Wednesday, January 31, 2007

Me? It was the One-Horned Man!

(First off – it looks like Niagara has rightfully won the opportunity to get waxed by Kansas in the first round of tomorrow’s March Madness tournament. Good for them. In other news, be sure to scroll down a few posts for details on how to get into the second annual YAB = You’re a Bracket tourney. One more entry, and that’s a guaranteed prize for the winner.)

So…that’s the story you’re sticking to?

I suppose if we actually paid our YABNews team, we’d report on far more interesting things that may actually affect global politics, business, or at the very least, the weather. But no, for the
second time, we’re tracking alcohol-induced vehicular tomfoolery in the Great Northwest. (That’s a tag waiting to happen.)

To Montana, news team!

Last week in Billings, a truck driver found himself talking to the fuzz after realizing he could drive his truck no further. The reason? The front of the truck had been firmly lodged into a light post. Now maybe it was the five prior drunk driving convictions talking, but the police were a little overly quick to assume that Jack Daniels was riding shotgun with Mr. Phillip Holliday. I mean seriously, maybe the guy just has an intense distaste for light posts.

But no, we’re both wrong.


Hell, it wasn’t even Holliday behind the wheel! You can’t convict a man that wasn’t in the driver’s seat! What kind of country do we live in that just assumes that the man getting out of the driver’s side door immediately following a lamp-to-truck collision was the helmsman? Just ask Holliday – it wasn’t him.

A unicorn was driving.

Now why are we all so quick to assume this man isn’t telling the truth? OF COURSE you’re not going to see a unicorn get out of the car – they’re imaginary. And if any of you had an imaginary friend as a kid, you sure as hell know they’re invisible creatures. Have YOU ever seen a unicorn at the scene of a crime? Of course you haven’t. They’re too good at the hit-and-run. It’s a well-known fact that unicorns are terrible drivers – I would hide when the police came to investigate – most likely by means of vanishing, too. Back to invisibility until the next time they can bow their head down towards your kitchen counter and hook your key ring on their completely practical horn. Bunch of skeptics.

The bail has been set at $100k.

Now we’re not accusing Holliday of being a genius, either. If he indeed has a unicorn hiding in thin air, maybe he should get from here-to-there, I don’t know, ON THE BACK of the unicorn??? Rumor has it those suckers can fly.

As a postscript, we’d be remised if we weren’t serving an educational purpose here at YAB. Therefore…

Top Five Animals You Should Let Be Your Designated Driver.

  1. Monkeys – The closest to the human race genetically. There’s just something about having opposable thumbs that allows one to grip the wheel and not just slap it in frustration.
  2. Bears – Bears spend so much time in commercials breaking into mini-vans and eating innocent campers’ swag that I’ve got to assume one of these days they’re going to save their claws and drive that Honda Odyssey to the local Wegman’s.
  3. Cats – Okay. Actually just one, and his name was Toonces. Wait a minute? What am I saying? Didn’t most of those sketches end with that stupid feline driving off a cliff? Oh well. He must have gotten his license at some point, so he’s in.
  4. Centaurs – Exhibit the same vanishing power that unicorns do, only with a man torso – actually has hands to steer the car and adjust the A/C. And really, one doesn’t need toes to push the gas and brake – a sturdy hoof will do just fine.
  5. Kangaroos – A little lead-footed, but comes with own cupholder.

999. Groundhogs – They drive angry.

Tuesday, January 30, 2007

When Office Machines Go Bad

While watching some television over the weekend, Katie noticed that come March 22, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles will be back in theaters in all their pizza-eating brilliance, and she asked me (either because I’m a cinemaphile or an acclaimed herpetologist) “Why do we need another Ninja Turtle movie?” Great question, dear.

And upon researching an answer for my wife (turns out I AM a cinemaphile and not a turtle lover in a labcoat), I came across an astonishing fact. The first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Movie came out in 1990.

That was 17 years ago.

How the heck did that happen? For years I felt like that everything that was apart of my childhood occurred about ten years ago. It was a comfortable window that really did encompass just about anything I was about to recall in a memorable story. And somehow, in my ever-continuing age increase, I let the years slip, and what stared as an enjoyable afternoon on the couch turns into a shocking revelation of how the time has flown.


I thought turtles move slower than everybody else. Who cheated?

However, I then realized that is really HAS been 17 years since one of my all-time favorite kids movies hit the screen. How? Because the more I thought about it, I realized that I have an incredible compendium of Turtle Trivia that’s been kicking around my head all this time. It would have taken 17 years for me to gather this much useless knowledge. I will now use this blog to clutter your minds with TMNT movie trivia.

(Note: No, I didn’t consult IMDB to write this stuff. I've led a sad life.)

  • One of the all-time best rap songs is TURTLE Power, by the never-heard-from-again Partners in Kryme. Really, their flow belongs in my Lyrical Hall of Fame. Anyone who rhymes “When Tonto came pronto” is ok in my book.
  • The guy who plays the Shredder in the first sequel? None other than Lost’s Dr. Marvin Candle. Yeah. Anyone who wouldn’t believe mutant turtles as a Dharma project is a liar.
  • Introduced future movie bad guys to the Foot Clan Group Attack Method, whereby an army of hundreds wait their turn, one-by-one or two-by-two to take on their enemy, rather than swarm like they freakin’ should. See The Matrix Reloaded for more.
  • The angry Asian who plays Master Tetsu doesn’t grunt and speak in minimal sentences because he wants to seem cool or imposing; it’s because that guy didn’t speak a lick of English. Ninja Vanish.
  • A character from the original, Casey Jones, is one of few main human castings in the flick. I had a real problem with Casey Jones, the ex-hockey player who wields a stick with reckless abandon. This guy was strong and agile as hell; keeping up with the turtles and fighting trained ninjas. But from his mask and choice of stick, one thing is clear – he’s a goalie. I blame his Pee-Wee coach for not training him to be a puck-moving defenseman or power forward. He probably would have been way more successful and seen time in the NHL. Hell, if Chris Simon can do it…
  • Spud once told me that Sam Rockwell, the star of Confessions of a Dangerous Mind and Charlie’s Angels, is credited in the movie as “Head Thug.” Everybody’s gotta start somewhere.
  • Vanilla Ice is the only cast member to date from this film series to end up on The Surreal Life. We think.
  • However, Raphael does utter the line, “A Jose Canseco bat? Tell me... you didn't pay money for this.” Wow, a turtle prophet.
  • Ernie Reyes Jr, an acclaimed martial artist, rose to fame through this franchise, getting his own major character (Keno) in the second movie. However, a stellar screen presence and killer technique will not make me forgive him for Surf Ninjas, one of my all-time five worst movies.
  • In the fifth grade, my band teacher Mr. Johnson wrote an original piece of orchestra music for our elementary school that sounded incredible like the “Heroes in a Half-Shell” part of the Ninja Turtle theme song. He didn’t know this until he played it for a group of 11 year-old kids. From their reaction, he named the piece “Pizza Power.” Looking back at this moment, he should have named it “Flagrant Copyright Infringement.”

Monday, January 29, 2007

No, You Can't Ride Shotgun

It was supposed to be you and me, kid.

When word broke that many of Katie’s old a cappella mates would be descending on the DC region on the very same weekend, a reunion was inevitable. They came from Indiana and Texas, and all parts of Northern Virginia. It would have been a crime had Katie declined the invitation. Yes, there’s a new baby in the house, but that’s where it pays to have two parents-in-residence. Right?

On Saturday night, the Reveille crew gathered at our apartment prior to going out an enjoyable dinner at which the sparkling conversation probably did not include the following:

1) Fantasy Baseball mock drafts
2) Hanging drywall
3) How cute Clara isn’t

Of course this was a momentous occasion not just for the reasons of reunion; this signified something far more important. No, not the copious amounts of calamari to be served, nor the fact that dining across the parking lot from our apartment would continue to be “way cool.” You see, when the dinner party departed, and that door closed on our 4th floor pad, something else was afoot.

Dad and Baby. By themselves.

Sure, I had been out of the apartment on many an occasion, leaving Katie and Clara to bond. There’s work to attend, errands to run, and hell, I even took Saturday to enjoy the weather and play some roller hockey on our parking garage roof. But this was undoubtedly a first, and to tell you the truth, I kind of looking forward to it.

But then plans changed.

Over the course of the week, I had been envisioning what our night home together would involve. We’d have a bottle, which leads to the inevitable cycle of burping, playing, and sleeping. And then as the little one was falling asleep for a early evening nap, I’d tell her of all the things she’ll need to know to be successful in life. Why Pepsi is a far superior cola to Coke. Why John Woo is a horrible, over-rated film director. Which of the Care Bears use their power for good, and which are just vindictive colorful fiends that shoot rainbows out of their stomachs for spite. (Hmm…don’t think I’m not on to you for a second, Grumpy.)

However, the day before, I heard that an impromptu gathering was to be held in Alexandria for one of my good friends from the GW MBA program. Aside from being a wildly clever comedian, this guy also led a secret life of flying helicopters for the Air Force ‘round the Monuments. Also a new father, Mr. Miser is headed overseas to Iraq in a few weeks, and his time in Northern VA is fleeting. It’s an opportunity to see him to hard to pass up.

“Hey, Katie – I’m going to step out for a bit to see off Jeff. I’ll be back in a few hour-

Wait. You’re not Katie. You’re not even self-cleaning.”

And like that, Clara just earned her first date.

Yes, a night on the town with a newborn is a difficult thing, but it can be done. It rquires one to be swift and determined in their actions – wasted time could mean disaster. After all, we were only planning to stop by for an hour, but packing is a priority. You have two pieces of luggage that are required.

1) Diaper Bag – Must contain extra clothes, diapers, changing accessories, pacifiers, cloths, and a bottle of wine for the party hosts. (Note: this is the ONLY time one should stow alcohol in a diaper bag. No exceptions.)
2) Car seat - Must contain a baby.

And like a champ, Clara slept in the car, enjoying the sounds of college basketball on the radio. The crucial piece of baby equipment? A baby mirror. You affix this small rectangle of reflective surfacing to the headrest of the backseat in order to watch your little one. However, one must still adhere to the need to make swift and determined actions. Therefore, you can’t fiddle with the thing until your heart’s content – the quicker you get on the road, the less potential for tears. So when I sat down in the driver’s seat and looked back to check my handiwork, it turns out that I would only be able to view the reflection of Clara’s mouth and neck.

Eh, good enough.

Friday, January 26, 2007

YAB = You're a Bracket II.

When I was younger, the NCAA’s Selection Sunday was right up there in the Top Ten Days of the Year. (Ok, that may seem a little high – let’s back that up a bit. You’ve got Christmas and your birthday, the last day of school, Easter, Halloween, first day of soccer season, probably two of the days I spent in Ocean City in August, Flag Day (what? I was a patriotic kid that enjoyed a good Sousa march), and that’s about it. See, I told you there was room for Selection Sunday. Skeptics.)

However, back then, Selection Sunday was different. At 6pm, I’d lie down on the living room floor with a pen and a sheet of paper, resting against one of those uberthick magazines that my mom always got. As (Bryant/Greg/Barney) Gumbel read off the entries into this year’s college basketball bracket, I would scribble the names down furiously onto my own ad hoc grid. And I frickin’ meticulous. The lines were drawn with all of the straightness a yardstick could yield. (The bracket wasn’t so big that one required a yardstick, mind you, it’s just that growing up I could never find a ruler for the life of me and often resorted to pulling out the yardstick from behind the washing machine.) When Gumbel announced that Stanford would play Southwest Missouri State University, I would write out the whole name. Look, I was 10 years old. I had no idea if another team would make the tourney with the initials SWMSU.

And when it was all over, I would pore over the list schools with the eye of an actuary. I didn’t watch college basketball when I was that young, outside of an occasional Big 5 tilt or whenever Syracuse was on television. So I knew nothing. Other than that every March, all the teams got together in an organized list with rankings and records, and being a complete dork, this was fascinating to me.

You know, I could have waited until the next day to have a completed, error-free bracket courtesy of the local newspaper. Hell, my dad would even run copies of the thing so I’d have a dozen or so to keep me occupied (this was when I thought my dad was doing something completely illegal and cool, when in reality, making copies of personal stuff is probably the easiest office crime to commit.)

But now? Now we have the Internet.

For those who were unable to tune in to yesterday’s selection show, the bracket was probably on the internet mere minutes after the announcement. Gone are the days of yardstick brackets. Gone are the days of magazine theft. Gone are the days of non abbreviating Southwest Missouri State University. (Which, curiously, now goes by Missouri State. Way to defeat those other ordinally-directed Show-Me schools, you mighty Bears, you.)

Here are the days of YAB = You’re a Bracket II.

Last year when we ran this tournament, I think we had about 7 entries, and Mattias Caro walked away our champion. His trophy? We put his name over on the sidebar, for all to see, and to ensure that if somebody Googles him, they get our blog. This year? We promise more. If the tournament gets over 15 entries, there will be a prize for the victor. What, you may ask? Sure, you may ask. But we don’t know exactly what yet. Probably not an iPod, though.

Interested in being in yet another bracket pool? Join YAB = You’re a Bracket, which is being run by CBS Sportsline. I sent the info to a bunch of frequent readers a few minutes ago, but that by no means excludes you, random web surfer guy.

The Website! http://yab07.mayhem.sportsline.com/e
The Password! “condon” (without the quotation marks, Einstein.)

Thanks for playing. Go GW.

(Oh, one other note concerning the bracket. One of the biggest surprises yesterday was that the Drexel Dragons were left out despite a strong non-conference schedule and some big wins against some big schools. What may have been their nail in the coffin? Easy.)

Thursday, January 25, 2007

I'm No Superman, Part 3

The following events and dialogue transpired in the evening of Tuesday, February 13, 2007. Because of the looming ice storm, the regularly scheduled employees of INOVA Fair Oaks Hospital were unable to make it in. The cast of Scrubs filled in for the delivery, but as their shift came to an end, their replacements filed in. Who? The cast of ER. Of course.

(The nurse leaves the room, leaving Chris, Katie, and Clara alone for the first time.)

Chris: I was reading in the hallway that right about this time we get new nurses and doctors assigned to us for the night shift. I wonder what they’ll be like.
Katie: Well, I hope they’re helpful. We have a lot of questions if this little one doesn’t fall asleep.
(door opens)
Dr. Ross: Hi, there. I’m Dr. Doug Ross. And this is our newest medical student, John Carter. We’ll be the attending physicians for the evening.
Katie: Wow, very nice to meet you.
Dr. Ross: Hey, don’t mention it. I wanted to let you know about some of the electronic gadgets that are part of your bed. The other docs say it’s my specialty because I like to tinker with these things. I just tell them I’m Batman.

Chris: Excuse me?
Dr. Ross: Well, this button makes the bed go up and down, and that one calls the nurse. We have many good nurses here at CGH. One of them looks like Andie McDowell.

Katie: What are you talking about?
Dr. Ross: Well, that’s it for me. I think it’s about time for my shift to end. It was nice meeting you folks.
(they exit)
Chris: Wasn’t he on call for like 4 minutes?


(door opens again)
Dr. Green: Hi there, I’m Dr. Green – I’ll be taking over for my colleague, Dr. Ross. He had to go – something about being the sexiest man alive. This is our newest medical student, John Carter.
Katie: We’ve met.

Dr. Green: Great. Well, I wanted to let you know that your baby is doing great. She’s a good height and good weight, but don’t let her get too tall – they may not let her become a hotshot Navy fighter pilot.
Chris: Huh?
Dr. Green: Okay, don’t take my advice. Look, I graduated at the top of my class and was the President of my fraternity back in the day. (sighs) Ok, I want you to take this Motrin in two hours, and again when you wake up in the morning – it will help with the recovery process. Ok, I’m out. Someone’s playing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” in the hallway on a ukulele – that song kills me everytime. Nice meeting you.

(they exit)

(Door opens again)
Dr. Benton: Hi, I’m Dr. Benton and this is John Carter, our-
Katie: Newest medical student?
Dr. Benton: Yeah, he’s just hanging around waiting for his shot at the big time. Anyways, enough about him. I’m annoyed and arrogant, and I think as my patient, you should know that. I’m a trauma surgeon, and a damn good one. I really don’t know anything about birthing babies, but they sent me in here to give you some happy face time so your insurance company stops complaining. Look, I’m sorry I’m a little ticked, but I just came from the courthouse, and it turns our my son isn’t really my son. But hey, good luck with your daughter. I quit.
Chris: But your shift’s not over…
Dr. Benton: Bwah!
(they exit)

(over the next three hours, the Condons try and get some sleep. Over the course of he night, a blonde doctor, another woman with a crutch, a guy with a prosthetic arm, and a final woman with a fetching British accent all come to check in, but ultimately inexplicably leave before their shift is over.)

(morning comes, and the door opens)
Dr. Carter: Hi, we met last night. I’m Dr. Carter.
Chris: I thought you were a med student!
Dr. Carter: So did I, but time flies in this place. Everything seems so urgent around here – gunshots, helicopter crashes, virus outbreaks, inter-staff relationships – I mean, wow. You deal with that stuff, you get promoted quickly.
Katie: Well, congratulations are in order then?
Dr. Carter: Thanks! Anyways, your baby is wonderful and healthy. Keep feeding her at about 3 hour intervals. If you have any questions, the nurses’ desk is here at all times, even if the doctors keep leaving early. If you need me, call for me. But call loudly. I’m thinking of going to Africa on my lunch break. If I’m out, you can always page Uncle Jesse.

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Look at This Photograph

How do celebrities do it?

Because of their fame, they are targets at any time of day in any given place to get their picture taken. For some reason, magazines and websites pay top dollar for photographic evidence of famous people doing normal people errands. I can’t say I’ve ever opened up an Us Weekly and got all excited to see Jessica Biel or Daniel Craig picking up their dry cleaning. The fact that that I have visual proof that they prefer heavy starch over light really doesn’t change my opinion of their acting skills.

But then again, I can’t say I’ve ever opened up an Us Weekly at all.

And yet, smart celebs must be on their toes and look their best for this reason. Somebody cares about these photos, otherwise paparazzi would just be another Italian word that fades into the sunset. (Like Benigni.)

Why is this relevant to anything in the World of Condon? Maybe you’ve forgotten. I now share a home with the
Most Documented Human on Earth. So now, being in her presence and the shutter snaps and camera flashes that follow her everywhere she goes, it appears that I’m on the edge of the limelight. Yikes.

Since Clara isn’t quite ready to do anything that, well, would require her act independently of anyone else (short of sleeping and lying down), there’s a pretty good chance that Katie, myself, a relative, or a friend are also on the fringe of each new photo. It’s a support position, to be sure. The fact of the matter is that you’re getting photographed with far more frequency pre-baby than you may have expected. It’s a responsibility of raising a child. And what Spider-man failed to teach us, “With great power comes great responsibility, but with great responsibility comes great consequences.” Ack.

I now have to pay way more attention to my personal appearance, for fear of committing the ultimate gaffe of taking the focus off the baby. This affects me in several ways. First off, you have got to shave on a daily basis. In the past, if Saturday rolled around and you weren’t planning on seeing anybody, I may be tempted to forgo the daily routine of taking 6 blades of
steel to the face. No one’s going to really care. But with the introduction of baby pictures into the equation – which can happen at any time – my voluntary scruffiness could come back to haunt. And for those who have been following along with our little Snapfish press junket, something else regarding the patriarchal character may be bothering you.

Yes, I’m getting a haircut. Soon.

Also, your selection of fashion comes into question. After a long day at work, I’ve come home to give Mom a break and perhaps to do some household chores. I change out of my work clothes and into something a little more comfortable. And while comfort is a virtue, the real reason for the transformation of wardrobe is this: babies are quite good at making sure whatever you’re wearing at a given moment isn’t set in stone. She may have other ideas for your favorite t-shirt, and one undefended sneeze later, it’s back to the changing room for her…and you.

(It should also be noted here that on many an occasion, I’ve been photographed holding Clara while wearing that long-sleeve gray W&M shirt with the ’93 on the front. I DO have other shirts, and I do wear them. So why is it that any time we take a good picture together I’m wearing that one?)

Finally, I feel that as the supporting character to any Clara Grace still portrait, I serve as the only real measure that an onlooker can use to judge her size. That gave me an idea. Rather than insist on being a part of every single photo my daughter will ever take, why not introduce an object of unchanging size, so as to compare the two. It would be a unique form of measuring stick so that those not present in the room at time of photo really truly know how tall and big she’s getting. And since I’m all for using classic means of measurement, I suggest a
breadbox. From the use of a breadbox, all witnesses will know how quickly she’s grown. I’m not saying she needs to be in the bread box, just near it.

Plus, she’ll look totally cute holding it alongside her diploma at her college graduation.

Tuesday, January 23, 2007

The Paper Trail

In a business meeting, everyone comes prepared…to kill time.

Most functions that require various business professionals to sit around a table of rectangular-ovular shape are run by one or two people. The other 6-8 people there have come to listen. And as in most cases, if only 15% of the material is applicable to their job, then they need a diversion. A diversion that will keep them from falling asleep and performing the awkward trying-to-prop-thy-head-on-your-raised-arm-so-that-you-can-cover-one-eye technique. This is where note-taking comes in.

With the exception of the guy who fiddles with his Blackberry all meeting long, all attendees usually bring two things to a standard business meeting – a writing utensil and something on which to use said utensil. We’ve covered the importance of selecting your scribing implement wisely in the
past. But today we write to warn you of something you may not realize…

Your choice of paper says a lot about you.

Yes, this isn’t the third grade where the teacher hands out that weird sideways paper with the giant lines on it. We’re not here to practice cursive. We’re here to take notes at a meeting. And we trust you to be a professional. So what you choose to write on is completely up to you. We just wanted to let you know – we’re judging you because of it.


What does my paper say about me?

Single Sheet of Printer Paper – You really don’t intend on paying attention at all. In fact, it’s unlikely that whatever you write down actually makes it all the way back to your desk – there’s many a rogue wastebasket between here and there. The sheet was probably brought out of obligation – there’s really no way to cover your work – it’s not like you can write on it in your lap – and unless you turn the paper over, your sketch of the boss with horns and a tail will be visible by all. In essence, you’ve phoned it in, both the meeting and your ability to keep your real actions covert. Sarcastic Golf clap for you, sir.

Marble Composition Notebook – This guy’s the opposite. He values everything he takes out of this meeting, senseless scribbles and otherwise. After all, he’s chosen a notepad that requires you to keep everything you write. Have you ever tried to rip a sheet out of a marble book before? It’s like trying to do surgery at a construction site. No, Mr. Marble is a meticulous one, and he probably has a bookshelf in his office of every note and memo he’s written in his entire career. You may either be a little homicidal
(like this guy was), or maybe you’re an engineer and love having the inside cover metric table at ready access.

Any paper that’s not white or pale yellow – you are a dork. You may think that a blue/green/rose pad expresses your personality, but in reality, it just reminds us that you should be sitting at the kids’ table.

Legal Pad – The only time I’ve really heard of lawyers using legal pads are in John Grisham books. I swear, anytime one of his lawyer characters needs to get a deposition or witness testimony, Grisham makes sure to point out that his young gun scrawled his way through a whole box of these extra long paper repositories. I feel like the lawyers today have laptops and PDAs and other cooler gadgets to write on – hell, it’s not like they don’t have the money for that kind of swag. So what has become of the legal pad? Oh, it’s still alive and well, and someone in your meeting has probably got one, too. The legal pad writer is there to get down to business, and to be noticed in the process. Your notes seem way more important when written on that yellow parchment. What’s more, the ultimate show-off move can only come courtesy of the legal pad. In a normal notebook, going to the next page requires a casual flip of the page. With a legal pad, it’s a freakin’ production. Lift up the pad. Take finished paper and flip it upwards. Tuck the page underneath the pad. Place pad back down. And watch in amazement as your colleagues are impressed that you filled that whole page with notes. Man, you’re special.

Spiral notebook – You’re versatile, and we like you. It’s not a pretentious choice, and probably cost-efficient for the company. However, it’s the most likely candidate for a time-killer. There are plenty of pages, plenty of space for mindless lists, drawings, and calculations to balance your checkbook. The margins may seem sacred, but you’ll defile them and flip the page faster than you can say, “Do those icons come in cornflower blue?”

Laptop – Damn, you could just let that game of Minesweeper go, could you?

Monday, January 22, 2007

(Several) Pennies from Heaven

Your team wins the Super Bowl, and you assume you have the run of His Kingdom.

Look, I was a college student once. I know what it’s like to have to work hard for a little spending money on the weekends. I worked at the Dean of Students Office, where the most mentally stimulating thing I got to do was to look through all you student application files (little known fact: Nordberg was a baton twirler in high school) But hey, I made minimum wage, and that paid for pizza on the weekends. What Kevin Russell of Hobart, Indiana did? Well that’s just wrong.

For those too lazy to click through this link, this 21-year old tried to cash a check in the amount of $50,000 at his local bank. And if that’s not suspect enough for you, it turns out that the One who was paying to the order of Kevin Russell was none other than God.

Yep, the old King Savior, King of Kings, Lord of Lords, Servant. And that’s not me just throwing accolades the Almighty’s way. That’s the way God apparently signs his checks. Now Kevin Russell is in jail for check fraud as well as intimidation (I guess faulty funds transfers involving omnipotent deities will get you that charge.)

I’ve heard of televangelists getting rich in the name of the Lord, but college students? That’s a new one. So while Russell awaits a court date, we here at the YABNews desk spent all night praying, and out prayers have been answered. God, thanks for granting us this interview.


God: Not a problem, My child.
Chris: So God, let’s get the facts straight. This WAS a fraudulent check, right?
God: Of course it was. I’ve been known to reward ingenuity in the past – Michaelangelo did such a nice job painting that ceiling that I made sure someone in the future named a Ninja Turtle after him – but monetary payouts? That’s not exactly my style.
Chris: So you’re saying you don’t have a checkbook?
God: Well, of course I have a checkbook. Someone’s got to pay the Sun so it doesn’t cut off our power. But there’s two ways to know if a check from Me is authentic.
Chris: Oh yeah? Do tell.
God: First off, there’s no way I have a savings account at the Chase Bank in Hobart. All of my accounts are kept safely at First Bank of St. Matthew. Once my tax collecting apostle came to Heaven, I had to give him something to do rather than insist to the other guests that they owe tax. For the record, there are no taxes in heaven.
Chris: So what happens on April 15th up there?
God: We have a barbeque luau. Last year we got Mozart to headline.
Chris: And the second check of authenticity?
God: My checks are HUGE. I get them from the same place the Publisher’s Clearing House gets theirs. It’s way more fun that way.
Chris: Of course. I should have known. So Lord, I’m in the market to buy some real estate. Do you have any advice for me?
God: Let me read you a passage from My Biography. (summons his Bible) In Timothy 6, it reads “Surely then, as far as physical things are concerned, it is sufficient for us to keep our bodies fed and clothed.” I say that shelter goes along with that. And while I love all my children, it should be noted that I find apartment complex landlords often use free will to stick it to good, hard-working people. This displeases me.

Chris: That’s what I figured. So what becomes of Kevin Russell, the man who thought he could swindle you out of a cool half mil?
God: There is an old Proverb (28:20 to be exact) that says, “The faithful man will be richly blessed, but one eager to get rich will not go unpunished.”
Chris: Sounds like a dagger to me, Kev.

Friday, January 19, 2007

The Eastern Snowboard

I think I’ve made it clear that I don’t think too highly of the DC region’s ability to handle snowfall. From school cancellations in case there might be snow, to unimpressive plowing capacity, to neighbors who probably would use a George Foreman Grill to defrost their mirrors, our Nation’s Capital panics, as if they were at a disco. And I’m not saying my hometown was that much better, since a mere 3 inches of snow could allow me to sleep in on a school day. However, both regions can’t compare to my benchmark – Oswego, New York. I have two family members that attended college there, and can speak of the horror stories that come with lake-effect snow (and one of said family members can also tell you he’s never coached a Louis.)

12 feet of snow, people.

(Yes, I know this happened a few weeks ago, but this post isn’t meant to break news. In fact, if we break anything, the Blogger Gods are going to keep our security deposit. Last time I sign a lease while playing Playstation.)

I still get excited when I wake up and it’s snowing. Sure, all it means now is that the commute will be slower and I’ll get to see a Jetta slide into a van or something, but it’s worth it. I never really got into the whole “building a snowman” thing anyway. In my day, we built forts. Glorified, asymmetric igloos that held a clearance of about 2 feet and were completely impenetrable. (Assuming one’s adversary, you know, was afraid of snow or didn’t think of sitting down on it.) On most days that we had off there was so little snow that it would require 2.5 yards of white stuff to build the fort. Needless to say, I haven’t seen 12 feet of snow in my life.

But as I see a mighty 1/8th of an inch accumulate outside my office window, I think back to the 3 Worst Snowstorms of My Life.

3)
I-95, VA – February 2003 – Upon leaving my alma mater at 9PM after a full day of action, my old hallmate Justin Moore said to me, “Hey, it’s starting to snow – if you want to crash here, that’s cool with me.” I responded, “No, I think I can get ahead of it, but thanks for the offer.”

Whoops.

For those unfamiliar with the route, it’s about 130 miles between Williamsburg and Alexandria. That should take even a cautious driver about 2 and a half hours. Throw in the fact that it’s a Saturday night and there’s no traffic – that may be closer to 2. Throw in 23 inches of blinding snow? Well, that might change things a little.

5 hours later, I was back in Northern Virginia. But not before cleaning out the Fredericksburg Wawa of every bottle of Mountain Dew they owned.

2)
Medford, NJ – January 1996 – Ah, the Blizzard of the Century (way to procrastinate there, Mother Nature.) Jersey got 30 inches of snow, forcing the Garden State to close the Turnpike from end to end and Shawnee High School to cancel classes for a week. Why do I remember this so vividly?

Part of my U.S. History I coursework was to do a book report concerning an aspect of our Nation’s Past. However, we didn’t exactly have a surplus of titles to select from. As per the instructions, we had to read a book by James Michener. For those who don’t know, James Michener is Literature’s Peter Jackson. He has never found an anecdote he doesn’t like, and he doesn’t believe in editing. He writes books of epic length and then names them after the geographical setting. I read his book
Alaska. Sort of.

It’s 868 pages long, and if it hadn’t been for the Blizzard of ’96, I may have only read 86 of them. Thanks for getting my back and dumping an icy catastrophe on my school district, God.

1)
Boston, MA – March 1997 – I accompanied the Morea clan to the city of Boston in order to check out a few potential locales for higher education. It was an ambitious 2 day trip we had planned, hoping to look a 4 schools. The morning at Tufts started innocently enough, and even though there was snow in the forecast, our tour guide proudly boasted, “New England winters are cold, but we have never had to cancel classes an account of snow.” I guess that was her showing us their commitment to academics or something. As we moved on to Harvard in the afternoon, the snow began to fall. It all seemed kind of perfect. You know, it was the oldest university in the country with the sweet architecture and the sparkling reputation – they could probably make it snow on command for prospective students.

We made it back to our hotel after a hot meal and went to bed early – after all, we still had Boston U. and BC to check out tomorrow. However, 36 inches of snow OVERNIGHT changed those plans. We were snowed in for three straight days to that hotel, and were so bored that we brushed off other people’s cars to pass the time. Moral of the story?

Only liars go to Tufts University.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Free With the Price of Admission

Since the Flyers only garner about 12 seconds of daily Sports Center airtime, and March Madness has not yet begun, I think it’s safe to say that I’m ready for baseball season to begin. And why not? The actual pro ballplayers are enjoying themselves in sunny Florida (or Arizona), just taking batting practice and getting a tan. And with my softball season still over a month away, I’m taking blogging practice and getting a headache. Why can’t these two worlds – business and baseball – collide?

Oh, but they can.

In hopes of convincing fans to come down to the ballpark, pro teams will often create a promotion or theme night giveaway, in hopes that some crappy hat with MAB Paints stitched across the back will make it worth the price of your admission. Yeah, it makes the kiddies happy, and if you’re a hardcore, box-score keeping type, it may hold their interest until the top of the third. I remember growing up and going to numerous promotion days with my dad – the best, of course, being Bat Day. Now most promotions were for the kids, and this was strictly adhered to in the ads. “Hats for all kids 14 and Under! Juan Samuel baseball cards for all kids 14 and Under!” “Free Hot Dogs for all kids 14 and Under!” What does this mean?

Hey 15 year-olds! Stop freeloading and get a job, you slackers.

The Philadelphia Phillies enter this ’07 campaign with high hopes for their playoff chances. And because they want you to have equally high hopes, the
following promotions have been planned. We comment on them now.

April 4th – Peanut Chews College Opening Night – Is there actually a Peanut Chews College? I figured after they failed miserably at making candy bars, they’d fold like a cheap card table, not venture into higher education.

April 15th – Jackie Robinson Salute – Since 2004, every April 15th has been in memory of the man who broke the color barrier in the Major Leagues. You want to talk memory, though? I remember that on the day when his number was retired across the entire league, the Phillies fielded the following starting 9 – Gregg Jefferies, Ruben Amaro, Darren Daulton, Rico Brogna, Mickey Morandini, Mike Lieberthal, Kevin Stocker, Scott Rolen, and Bobby Munoz. What’s so compelling about a team that lost that game? Not a single black guy in the starting lineup on Jackie Robinson Day. You stay classy, Terry Francona.

April 29th – Citizens Bank Phanatic Birthday – Look, I’ll honor another year of survival/existence for the big green freakshow that is the Phillie Phanatic. After all, not only did he not kill himself riding is all-terrain vehicle while looking through an eyehole no bigger than a stick of baseball card chewing gum, he lived through a horrific attack from a
ferocious beast. Buy that guy(?) a drink.

June 3rd – Shane Victorino Hula Figurine – Look, there’s rumors that the Phils are going to trade Lieber to Toronto for solid outfielder Alex Rios, which has to make current rightfielder Shane Victorino a little bit nervous. Which must have been the exact time her agreed to a bobblehead that features him in a
grass skirt. Hang loose, Shane. Hang loose.

June 26th – Stitch and Pitch Night – “Bring your knitting, stitching, quilting or other projects to the game and meet other enthusiasts while enjoying Phillies baseball.” Um, I’m not so sure that I want all of South Philly coming to the ballpark to knock back a few cold ones and then wield GIANT METAL NEEDLES. But hey, that’s just me.

July 29th – Equipment Drive – Look, fans. We’re proud to still be in playoff contention the day before the trade deadline, and we’d really like to bring in one more big bat to solidify our lineup for the stretch drive. Pittsburgh’s willing to part with Jason Bay, but in return they actually are requesting a truckload of big bats in return. Red and plastic, if possible. So if you have one, help out the Fightins,’ would ya?

Wednesday, January 17, 2007

International Stereotype Theatre

The following events may or may not have transpired late last week between the two military superpowers, Switzerland and Liechtenstein. The source of conflict, as pointed out by Christina Toms, however, is very real and the details can be found here.

(overheard between two Swiss soldiers, marching around midnight)
Hans: Dude, I totally don’t think we’re going the right way. We should have been in St. Gallen an hour ago?
Jakob: Totally. My feet are tired.
Hans: Yeah, mine too. Let’s stop a second. (stops and surveys the area) Hey look, it’s a deli – I could go for a bite. You?
Jakob: Absolutely. Hey, wait! Shshsh! Look at that cheese in the window. Notice anything…odd?
Hans: The complete lack of holes?
Jakob: Exactly. Something’s not right here.

(up above, in the tower of Our Lady of Liechtenstein Church)
Josef: What the? Something’s not right here. Who in the name of Franz Joseph II is that hungry mob? If my calculations are correct, that unruly crew is accounts approximately for 1 out of every 40 people in Liechtenstein. And my mother said I wouldn’t be a mathem- WHOA. They have weapons!!! I better report them. Marco! You need to call the Prince! (Marco is not a co-lookout, but rather, a goat) Damn. It’s times like these I wish we weren’t so hard up on population control. Have to do everything myself.

(at Swiss Military HQ in Zurich)
General Herzog: Hey remember that time when we repelled the Germans in ’45?
Lieutenant Borel: No. But do YOU remember when we airlifted troops to help out against the Soviet Union?
Herzog: Not really. God, why do we even have a military HQ. The biggest aerial attack we have ever launched was when you and I played darts last Tuesday.
Borel: You still owe me chocolate for my win (sees something coming in over the wire). What’s that? The Swiss 1st (and only) Infantry reported missing? Casualties unknown? God, I had no idea.
Herzog: Kind of makes you wish the government had sprung for more than fancy pocketknives for hand-to-hand combat, no?
Borel: God, where could they be?

(at the castle of Liechtenstein’s ruler)
Lowly Page: Your highness, a goat just ran here all the way from, well, across the street. Something’s afoot in the Western Quadrant.
Their Highness: What’s that, Lowly Page?
Page: There’s an angry mob outside Uhlig’s Deli!
Highness: Are they hungry?
Page: Worse. They’re Swiss.
Highness: Neutrality my arse. This is a full scale attack – alert our defenses!!!
Page: All those farmers that own pitchforks??
Highness: Yes. Both of them.

(back in Zurich)
Borel: Look, I feel really bad about beating you in Darts, by the way. I wish there was a way we could have tied or something-
Herzog: Not now! It appears we’ve done something far worse – we’ve invaded Liechtenstein!
Borel: Did you just make up a sovereign state?
Herzog: No! They’re our neighbor – to the east!
Borel: Germany?
Herzog: No, no. Under them?
Borel: Austria?

Herzog: No, in between!
Borel: Really? That’s an independent nation? That area no bigger than Washington DC? Who let that happen?
Herzog: The Treaty of Pressburg in 1806.
Borel: Hmm…we COULD take them, couldn’t we?
Herzog: And ruin our perpetual neutrality? Never! Tell our boys to apologize and to prepare a lovely quiche for the Prince.

Whew. Close one.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Hengwen Yahma Hengwen Yahma Bahda

One thing that I heard frequently during Katie’s pregnancy concerning my impending fatherhood duties was always a version of the following: “Oh man! A father! Good luck changing diapers – what a task that can be!” Well, in a purely informational version of the Condad Chronicles, let’s dispel the rumors for all once and future parents, shall we?

Changing a diaper is not that hard.

There are a lot of things in this world that are, in fact, hard. Teaching oneself the laws of advanced thermodynamics is hard. Making a Black Forest Chocolate Cake – that’s hard. Driving home from Williamsburg during a midnight blizzard – rather difficult. Double shifting a job with grad school – not easy. Editing an Oscar Party video is hard (and more on that soon). Running through an airport terminal with three bags of luggage and an all-too-close departure time is hard. Those damn Magic Eye puzzles (is that a schooner?) are damn near impossible. And while the intensity, dexterity, and strength needed for these tasks are all very high…

Changing a diaper is not that hard.

I mean really, it’s a simple changing out of the old and installing the new. We go through these motions all the time. Can you change the oil in your car? Replace an old, boxy computer monitor with a sleek flat panel? Making a sandwich for your wife and prior to presentation remembering she asked for Provolone, not Swiss? Look, it’s a presto-change-o operation, changing a diaper. And since the diaper isn’t 1) 400 lbs. heavy, 2) covered in slippery axle grease, or 3) invisible, this is a rudimentary procedure.

Here is a simple set of instructions if for some reason, somebody placed a baby on your desk RIGHT NOW and refused to take the baby away until you changed its diaper:

  1. Place the baby, face-up, on a flat yet comfortable surface.
  2. Undress the baby’s lower half in order to gain access to diaper.
  3. Remove diaper by peeling back the adhesive strips and sliding diaper out from underneath baby.
  4. Wipe baby clean with moist wipes, which you have nearby (perhaps next to the stapler.)
  5. Apply diaper rash cream (if necessary.)
  6. Lift baby’s feet and slide new diaper underneath.
  7. Adhere new adhesive strips to front of the diaper.
  8. Re-dress baby’s lower half.
  9. Pick up baby, and hold her towards the sun while singing “The Circle of Life.”

Geez, what was so hard about that?

Now you can sure that this may become a repetitive process. After all, a baby is not unlike adults in the sense that this is just the final piece of the digestive system puzzle (that’s strictly a figurative term – no one actually wants to construct a puzzle that includes 47 pieces of intestine jigsaw.) And it’s not exactly true that this is only a daytime operation – a happy baby needs to be changed, no matter what the clock says. However, changing a baby’s diaper at 4 in the morning isn’t any harder in terms of actual physical difficulty – no, no. It’s just a bit more challenging. And this extra challenge definitely requires an improved set of instructions:

How to change a diaper at 4 in the morning, so that you can get back into your warm bed as soon as humanly possible.

  1. Place the baby, face-up, on a flat yet comfortable surface.
  2. No, that’s a stuffed bear, and he doesn’t need to be changed.
  3. Pick up your actual child (hint: the crying one) and place face-up on a flat yet comfortable surface.
  4. Remove swaddling clothes, as to grant better access to disaster relief area.
  5. Undress the baby’s lower half in order to gain access to diaper.
  6. Remove the diaper by peeling back the adhesive strips and sliding the diaper out from underneath baby.
  7. Ok, buckle like a belt and turn on the light in the next room. Hey look, THERE’s the baby. You guessed right.
  8. Wipe baby clean with moist wipes.
  9. Wipe your forehead with a different moist wipe to wake yourself up. Turns out you’ve just spent 2 minutes mopping the bottle of baby powder.
  10. Locate baby again. Apply wiping technique.
  11. Apply diaper rash cream, and make sure that you put it BACK in its place. No one wants to confuse it with toothpaste in an hour.
  12. Lift baby’s feet and slide new diaper underneath.
  13. Re-dress, and re-swaddle.
  14. The Baby. Not You. You look ridiculous.
  15. Lie the baby back down to sleep.
  16. Tip toe back to your bed.
  17. Scream silently as your ram your knee against the nightstand. Do NOT wake the baby.
  18. Collapse to the floor in pain. Realizing the baby could stir if you get up, resign yourself to sleeping there until morning.

It’s the Circle. The Circle of Life.

Monday, January 15, 2007

Scoring the Duel - AFC

Let’s kick off another big week at YAB with the second half of our Scoring the Duel recap, where we see how our Fall TV vs. NFL match-up predictions fared, with no real statistical grading method other than “Because I Said So.” And now, the AFC.

Obligatory link alert:
NFC North and South, NFC East and West,
AFC North and South, AFC East and West

Pittsburgh Steelers vs. FOX’s The Winner – You may have seen in recent ads that Fox is finally ready to unroll their Rob Corddry sitcom. It’s hard to say how well it will do, but with a better lead than Brad Garrett in the star’s chair, YAB still has high hopes. So even with an incomplete resume, we’ll give this rookie the edge over a truly disappointing Pittsburgh Steelers (8-8) campaign. Certainly Joey Porter will be tuning in to tilt the Nielsen scales against his old team. VERDICT: WRONG!

Baltimore Ravens vs. ABC’s Knights of Prosperity – There’s this great old SNL cartoon whereupon winning the Super Bowl, the Disney Corp (ABC’s parent) tries to make it up to Ray Lewis for not sending him to Disney World by giving him his own animated feature, Ray of Light. Really, one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen on SNL. Why? Because the “Disney Corporation now acknowledges that Trent Dilfer sucks.” So that’s what’s been said of Baltimore (13-3). Meanwhile, “Knights” ran an ad blitz featuring all these great praise quotes from EW and Rolling Stone. And yet, it’s currently up against American Idol. Ah. VERDICT: RIGHT!

Cincinnati Bengals vs. ABC’s The Nine: The Nine, a bank hostage drama, has been off the air since November. That’s a big mistake on our part. In our preview of the Bengals (8-8), we were initially referring to the jersey number of QB Carson Palmer. Turns out, we meant Chris Henry, Deltha O’Neal, Reggie McNeal, Odell Thurman, Eric Steinbach, Matthias Askew, Frostee Rucker, A.J. Nicholson, and yeah, Chris Henry again. Nine Bengals that were arrested this year. VERDICT: WRONG!

Cleveland Browns vs. ABC’s Dancing with the Stars: There are no football players on this year’s installment of Dancing with the Stars. That said, we still think about 7 of the contestants could make the Browns’ (4-12) roster out of training camp. VERDICT: RIGHT!

Houston Texans vs. NBC’s Friday Night Lights: The Texans (6-10) had a much better year than anyone realized. They swept Jacksonville and beat the Colts for the first time in their history. Good for the Texans. And Friday Night Lights started off slow, virtually recreating Varsity Blues in their first episode, but has moved on to create a well-directed, gripping drama that Jasen Andersen will kill me if I don’t give it the win here. VERDICT: RIGHT!

Jacksonville Jaguars vs. CBS’ The Class God, I hated the Jags (8-8) this year. I’d pick them to lose tough games to good teams, which they’d win. Then I’d pick them to win games over beatable opponents on the road and they’d lose. Their defense was solid, but it’s time to try someone new at quarterback. And meanwhile, completely under the radar, The Class continues to succeed in the wheelhouse of CBS, their Monday night comedy block. I smell renewal in their future. VERDICT: RIGHT!

Indianapolis Colts vs. NBC’s Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip. Ok, for Studio 60 to win a match-up against the Super Bowl Champion, it would have to be everything that was good about SportsNight and the West Wing and then take it to the next level. I’ve seen every episode of Studio 60, and while I’ve enjoyed it, it’s only been enjoyed because it’s Aaron Sorkin writing the show. Overall, they’ve made sketch comedy seem largely uninteresting. The magic just isn’t there. VERDICT: WRONG!

Tennessee Titans vs. CBS’ Survivor: Cook Islands – I think it’s time that Survivor either 1) calls it a day and throws in the towel or 2) moves to somewhere non-tropical – like Alaska. I’d watch Survivor Alaska. Competitors running around on the beach – the seasons aren’t memorable any more. So move it somewhere off the beach. The Titans (8-8) may tune in as well, since all is well in Nashville. It appears that not only did Vince Young not eat his playbook, he proved that it doesn’t take a laser-rocket arm to win some football games. VERDICT: WRONG!

Miami Dolphins vs. NBC’s 30 Rock – So I picked Studio 60 to thrive and 30 Rock to implode. Why did I not consider the Baldwin Factor? Alec Baldwin has now entered the acting stratosphere where he can pretty much play Alec Baldwin in any role and people will love him. Look at the following efforts: 30 Rock, The Cooler, Along Came Polly, The Departed, Fun with Dick and Jane – he’s always playing Alec Baldwin. And that, apparently, is what has cemented 30 Rock as part of NBC’s solid 4 comedies. Oh, and the Dolphins (6-10) kinda sucked. VERDICT: WRONG!

New England Patriots vs. NBC’s Kidnapped – Never pick a rookie tv show against Bill Belichick (12-4). Never pick a rookie tv show against Bill Belichick. Never pick a rookie tv show against Bill Belichick. Never pick a rookie tv show against Bill Belichick. Never pick a rookie tv show against Bill Belichick. VERDICT: RIGHT!

New York Jets vs. ABC’s Men in Trees – From my original prediction – “But no, this show will play out like a cross between “Someone Like You” and that crappy Heather Graham sitcom that lasted all of 3 episodes.” While that may be true, people inexplicably are watching it. The Jets, on the other hand, had a great year and a playoff appearance, and nobody seemed to notice. VERDICT: RIGHT!

Buffalo Bills vs. ABC’s Six Degrees – I watched this pilot. I wasn’t surprised when it got cancelled. Heroes did the same exact premise, and gave people mutant-like superpowers. So which is better, a 7-9 football team that performed right about to expectations, or a show that was half-decent that’s now on hiatus. Considering Buffalo was still in the playoff race in Wk 15, I’ll give them the W here. VERDICT: WRONG!

Denver Broncos vs. CBS’ Shark – Man, I was quick to write this one off. With Denver (9-7) on the outside looking in, James Woods had led this show to strong ratings and a renewal for a second season. But hey, at least Jake Plummer won’t be around to see it. VERDICT: WRONG!

Oakland Raiders vs. FOX’s Celebrity Duets – What? You mean I have to pick a winner of this one? The Raiders, who for so long pretended they didn’t plan on winning a single game, and actually got worse once Aaron Brooks got injured? Or Celebrity Duets? A stupid reality show that crowned CARLTON from Fresh Prince of Bel-Air its king? Come on – this isn’t fair. VERDICT: RIGHT? (But only because I hear Carlton broke out his “It’s Not Unusual” dance on stage.)

San Diego Chargers vs. FOX’s Vanished – What’s the difference between Kidnapped and Vanished? Not much, apparently. Not only did Ladanian Tomlinson not watch either of these vaguely-named programs, he made sure that anyone who drafted him in Fantasy Football has a new trophy to shine. (With the exception of me, who managed to work some WM-league magic with Stephen Jackson. Muwaha.) VERDICT: RIGHT!

Kansas City Chiefs vs. BRAVO’s Top Chef – You know my favorite part about 32-team, 32-TV show preview recap columns? The end. VERDICT: RIGHT!

AFC 9, Fall TV 7
Condon’s Record: 9-7 (20-12)

NFL 20, Fall TV 12

Friday, January 12, 2007

Scoring the Duel - NFC

To finish off our Post-Partum Blog Explosion Tour, this is the first of two parts recapping and handicapping just how dead-on (or off) we were regarding our September Dueling Previews of the NFL and New Fall Television. If you remember, we paired each of the 32 NFL teams with a fledgling network rookie, and predicted which would have the better season. Since I am writing this introduction first (as intros are meant to be written, unless you ask my HS English teacher Mrs. Newman), I really have no idea how well we did. Surprises are fun. First, here’s the NFC. The AFC to follow later this afternoon.

(Oh, for archival purposes, these are the links.)

NFC North and South, NFC East and West,
AFC North and South, AFC East and West

(Initial Predictions in BOLD)
Green Bay Packers vs. NBC’s Twenty Good Years – The Packers (8-8) were better that expected, so much so that we’re going to enjoy a whole other year of John Madden and Peter King pining over Brett Favre. In other news, John Lithgow can go back to making bizarre soup commercials. VERDICT: WRONG!

Chicago Bears vs. FOX’s Standoff – Well, the Bears (13-3) did better than anyone expected despite Rex Grossman at the helm, earning a trip to the Super Bowl. So unless Standoff has become a ratings juggernaut for Fox, it’s unlikely it took down the Monsters of the Midway in 2006. (scanning Fox’s lineup) Yeah, I thought not. VERDICT: RIGHT!

Minnesota Vikings vs. CW’s Runaway – Sometimes a team in the NFL can be the fortunate beneficiary of having an easy schedule over a given season. So even though the Vikings (6-10) struggled after some big quality wins early on, it’s not hard to knock off a Donnie Wahlberg program that was cancelled by October. VERDICT: RIGHT!

Detroit Lions vs. ABC’s Ugly Betty – Let’s see, we sort of picked a team with Jon Kitna at the helm and no real reason to live over the eventual Golden Globe winner for Best TV Comedy. As punishment for such a blatant misfire, we promise to watch every Detroit Lion (3-13) game next year, no matter how painful. VERDICT: WRONG!

New Orleans Saints vs. NBC’s Heroes – WOW. There’s a good matchup. Heroes is easily my favorite new show, and thanks to the recent Mr. Bennet episode, it stands as the surprise hit of NBC’s Monday night. And at the same time, the Saints (10-6) were the surprise of the season, going to the playoffs, beating the Eagles before losing to Chicago in a blizzard. Both are high performers. However, we’ll ultimately vindicate our prediction and give the edge to Heroes. Why? The Saints lost at home to Washington. VERDICT: RIGHT!

Carolina Panthers vs. CBS’s Smith – Smith’s star Ray Liotta was finished with this 3-episode wonder so quickly he had time to participate in the wretched “Wild Hogs,” opening in theaters this weekend. Sadly, for William H. Macy, he didn’t have any other engagements. As for the Panthers (8-8), a mediocre year is all it takes to beat the first official canceled show on the Fall. VERDICT: RIGHT!

Tampa Bay Buccaneers vs. ABC’s The Bachelor: Rome – Ok, let’s see – I know absolutely nothing about how well The Bachelor did picking beautiful women in Rome, or how well he did in the ratings. But I have to assume he fared better than Tampa (4-12), who only one four games and their starting QB was a weekly Injured List fixture because of a ruptured spleen. Ouch. VERDICT: WRONG!

Atlanta Falcons vs. CW’s The Game – Michael Vick would like you all to know that’s he’s very sorry about flipping the middle finger to the Falcons (7-9) fans, trying to smuggle weed onto an airplane, and preventing Matt Schaub from being a solid NFL QB. The CW would like to apologize for still being on the air. VERDICT: RIGHT!

New York Giants vs. FOX’s ‘Til Death – Wow, I actually predicted ‘Til Death on this one. But not out of a respect for Brad Garrett’s comedic timing, but out of doom for the G-Men’s (8-8) season. The problem here? Eli Manning in the pocket is funnier than the comedy of ‘Til Death, and that’s just tragedy. But somehow, inexplicably, the Giants made the playoffs, so we’ll give them the W. VERDICT: WRONG!

Washington Redskins vs. BRAVO’s Million Dollar Listing – What to say of an underachieving ‘Skins campaign? (5-11) Back in August, I said the following: “They’re not playoff bound, but they win this Scrooge McDuck matchup.” But while the Redskins won 5, MDL lasted 6 episodes. Dagger. VERDICT: WRONG!

Dallas Cowboys vs. Fox’s The Wedding Bells
– This show is actually coming on the air in a few weeks, having been pushed back in the schedule so Fox could give us the World Series and Are You Smarter than a Fifth Grader. One should consider Dallas (9-7) a success story, with a young QB, TO not exploding, and a solid defensive effort against everyone but Philly and New Orleans. The Wedding Bells – probably not in the market for a renewal. VERDICT: RIGHT!

Philadelphia Eagles vs. CBS’s Jericho – Jericho didn’t exactly grip the nation like CBS had hoped, as this Lost clone now is mired after a few scheduling changes. A week after the Eagles’ (10-6) loss to the Saints in the playoffs, someone asked me if I was over how it ended. I could honestly say yes. After McNabb went down, I’m more than happy with the streak of wins and a playoff game victory. VERDICT: RIGHT!

San Francisco 49ers vs. FOX’s Happy Hour – The 49ers (7-9) won 7 games and almost won the NFC West away from the coasting Seattle Seahawks. Their QB of the future showed promise, and Frank Gore was a fantasy stud. The cast of Happy Hour got their cars towed, as the show was cancelled so fast they didn’t even make it out to the parking lot. VERDICT: RIGHT!

St. Louis Rams vs. ABC’s Brothers and Sisters – In order to advance in my Condon fantasy league, I needed a huge MNF game out of Marc Bulger, hoping the Rams (8-8) could pull out a win themselves. I was within 6 points as Bulger fired down the right sideline during garbage time to Isaac Bruce, making it possible for me to move on. Instead, the Bears’ Charles Tillman picked it off. I guess he was a big fan of Brothers and Sisters. VERDICT: RIGHT!

Seattle Seahawks and FOX’s Justice – Justice was a Fox legal drama with no real “catch.” It was just lawyers dealing with cases in L.A. It got put on hiatus in November, and Fox is pretending it doesn’t even exist. The Seahawks (9-7) were almost canceled in the first round of the playoffs, but Tony Romo made sure that didn’t happen. VERDICT: RIGHT!

Arizona Cardinals vs. ABC’s Help Me Help You – The Cardinals (5-11) blew one of the most memorable Monday Night Football games in recent years, bowing out to the Bears and allowing us (via Denny Green) to know that the Bears “are who we thought they are.” The uninspired Ted Danson psych comedy was a goner by December. This is a real coin flip here, so let’s flip an actual coin. And the winner? Arizona VERDICT: RIGHT

NFC 11, Fall TV 5
Condon's Record: 11-5

Thursday, January 11, 2007

Lyrical Brilliance in Two Dimensions

Amidst the wreckage of this year’s Grammys, it appears that one of the 481 awards they hand out went to the Black Eyed Peas for Best Pop Performance by a Duo or Group. And to what melodic ode can they attribute their new shiny golden paperweight?

My Humps.

Yes, the song that was listed as having the absolute WORST song lyrics in the HISTORY OF MUSIC by
The Boston Phoenix (an excellent read, btw) was number one this year in this category. I’m surprised the guys from The Fray didn’t actually cut the cables to their cable car upon learning the news. (It should be noted that our two previous lyrical tirade recipients, LFO and Train, also made the list. Damn straight.) Good God – let’s just hope that this particular Grammy wasn’t one of those specific songwriters’ award. Because if it is, in the words of Alex Trebek, “We’ve reached a new low.”

It’s not that hard to write good lyrics, people. I’m not talking great ones, just good ones – ones that make more sense than “lovely lady lumps.” Paul Simon, Elvis Costello, Garth Brooks – these people can write good lyrics. But one does not need to be classically gifted like those three to write poignant, catchy verse. Look at TV theme songs! Some of these are inherently clever! Hell, I’ll even take the Rembrandts over Fergie. In order to point out just how ludicrous her music is, I’m going to take this morning’s post to highlight lyrical brilliance in the most unusual of places.


The Disney Afternoon.

Yes, an underappreciated haven for excellent songwriting comes courtesy of those silly cartoons that you watched after school in the early nineties. Yeah, the colors were shiny and there was a disproportionate number of ducks in that cartoon block, but you were sucked in every day. And it wasn’t because the storylines were riveting or that you had a crush on Launchpad McQuack; it was those theme songs. In ascending order of, well, awesomeness, I give you the themes of the Disney Afternoon.

5. RESCUE RANGERS – Ch-Ch-Ch-Chip and Dale, now with a stuttering problem! Ok, definitely the weakest, but today would at least be deserving of a nomination in Best Pop Performance by a Duo of Group (they can have the Pussycat Dolls’ spot). Unmemorable verse, but a chorus that sticks. Also, my sister and I beat this Nintendo game 3 days after we got it on Christmas. Warrants mentioning.

4. DARKWING DUCK – When there’s trouble, you call DW. Not that’s a complex rhyme that I’m proud to present. And for no reason whatsoever, they hired Michael Clarke Duncan to say “Let’s Get Dangerous” in the middle of the choruses. Solid effort.

3. GUMMI BEARS – By far the best part of this cartoon – which I hated by the way. The cartoon itself made such little sense, and all in all, was secretly run by drug runners (Gummiberry juice that makes you fly? Hello?) But I really think that this song could be played as an army marches into battle, and even though there’s a complete lack of driving rhythm but a surprising amount of French Horn. Just follow the first verse:

Dashing and daring, Courageous and caring, Faithful and friendly, With stories to share.
All through the forest, They sing out in chorus, Marching along, As their song fills the air!

(Now picture it with sweet Mister Mister-esque vocals. Rock.)

2. DUCK TALES – Duck puns are too easy to make, and they rarely pay off (see Spud’s Film Critic review of Howard the Duck for proof.) And yet, the writers of the Duck Tales theme pull it off. (It’s a duck blur?) And yes, the most memorable part of it is the chorus’ “Woo-Ooo,” but that’s still better than saying “My Hump” 6 straight times, right? In addition, the chorus is as follows:

Duck Tales, Woo-ooo / Tales of derring-do, bad and good luck tales, Woo-Ooo

Any kids’ TV theme songwriter that’s gutsy enough to use a grown-up term like derring-do in a chorus needs to be commended.

1. TALE SPIN - I’m pretty sure they came up with this cartoon for two reasons – 1) to offset the duck infestation that was taking over the TV and 2) to showcase the theme song. It’s like Tim Rice and Alan Menken, hot off their movie streak (Aladdin, Lion King, Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast) had this great calypso riff in their head. And they pitched it to Disney, but they had no plans to do a Caribbean flick – Pocahontas was next – and Pirates wouldn’t come until a decade later. So in order to appease them, they came up with Tale Spin, which feature a Doobie Brothers-type breakdown in the middle that is, well, awe-inspring.

I rest my case.

Wednesday, January 10, 2007

I'm No Superman, Part 2

The following events and dialogue transpired in the mid-afternoon Tuesday, February 13, 2007. Because of the looming ice storm, the regularly scheduled employees of INOVA Fair Oaks Hospital were unable to make it in. In their place, the cast of TV’s Scrubs, at the end of their unexpected shift.

JD: Now that the Janitor has let me with no real news as to the well-being of Katie and Chris, not to mention no pretzel to eat for lunch, it may come as no surprise that when it comes to the miracle of birth, I have as much know-how as Dr. Kelso has tact with our nursing staff
Dr. Kelso: Good afternoon, ladies. I’d ask how you all are doing, really I would, but it’s that I’m old and then that information as to how you are, which I don’t give a damn about, would enter my brain and push important medical knowledge out. Surely, you understand.
Carla: Of course, Dr. Kelso. Can I get you a coffee?
Dr. Kelso: Why, that would be lovely!
Turk: Baby, did you just inject pudding into Kelso’s coffee?

Carla: Why yes. That’s right. I did.
Turk: That’s my girl!!! So uh, have you gotten a chance to sew those Hot Poc-
Carla: Can I get you a coffee?

Turk: Why sur-wait a minute.
JD: As I walked into the delivery room, with all the carefree spirit of a brand new baby, I looked at my watch – 3:43 PM. Which meant I also was looking at a brand new baby. Hello there, what’s your little girl’s name?
Chris Condon: It’s Clara Grace.

JD: I love that name. Dr. Cox says Clara is my Monday name, and he uses Grace on every other Thursday.
Chris: That’s really nice. You know I loved you in Garden State.
JD: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Chris: Sure you do – you’re Zach Braff, and you’re a talented writer/actor/director. A real triple threat. Of course, this is nonwithstanding that silly romantic comedy you spit out last fall – what was that about?
JD: No, see my nametag? My name is J.D. I have no idea what picture you are referring to, unless it’s to my feature film hospital drama debut, Dr. Acula.
Katie: Uh, guys?
Chris and JD: What?
Chris:
Oh, I’m so sorry, honey – it’s just not every day that Zach Braff-
JD: It’s just not every day that JOHN DORIAN-
Chris: - whatever – look man – it’s not about who you are or are not pretending to be – it’s about my wife and my new baby girl and or new family. Hell, you’re not even supposed to be here today.
Dr. Cox: Well, bravo there, Tall Man – no I mean really, that was an excellent Super Daddy moment you just laid on us. I think I head that speech on a Hallmark Special just last week – this of course doesn’t mean that I actually watch Hallmark Specials but rather I am using it as an example for all new fathers who feel they can conquer the world, but have to start with overstepping Newbies that just don’t know where to stop and instead annoy us all with their inner monologue. Man, it’s times like these where you wonder why I just cross my arms like so and speak in massive run-on sentences. (Pauses) Or not.
JD: (cue some obscure mellow song by The Shins or Death Cab) Yes, it’s the miracle of life and it happens every day at the hospital. The parents are always changing and the babies are always crying, but it’s beautiful and it’s why I got into medicine. Granted, who knows when I’ll take that leap into fatherhood, since I plan to spend another 3 seasons pining over Elliott, but c’est la vie.

(later)

Katie: I can’t believe she’s actually here, in my arms.
Chris: I can’t believe Zach Braff helped deliver our child.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Godzilla's Next Challenger

“Mom! We're on high alert here. I almost killed you! Right then! You don't even know!”
- Eddie (Vince Vaughn),
“Mr. and Mrs. Smith”

There are many types of drills in this world. There are the kind that you use (with limited success) to hang framed prints and posters on the wall. There are the formal marchings of the military, those which require a specialized sergeant to carry out. High schools often have whole teams of drill, that assist in halftime show entertainment at football games. Hell, they’re even drills that could really
use a banana right now. However, none of these listed drills can help you when danger is around the corner.

That’s why we have safety drills, orderly exercises that train people as to how to act under extreme situations of duress and panic. They’re pretty effective, we assume, considering we live outside the path of hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, and air raids (?). But you can never prepare too much, we sometimes believe, which is why we wish to pass on this story of careful preparation, in case you ever find yourself in a similar situation.

Ah, the old escaped ferocious animal drill.

Now I’ve been to a few zoos in my lifetime, and I’ve always wondered would happen if any of the more mobile animals were to escape their nature preserve-like habitats. Most animals (at least in Philly and DC) either have 1) water 2)a fence or 3) the simple laws of gravity to prevent them for joining the tourists on the other side. Yeah, birds can fly around but if a toucan gets out, is anyone fearing for their lives (assuming you aren’t holding a multi-colored bowl of fruity cereal?) But monkeys – yeah – now there’s a real threat to society.

Those suckers can move.

Much like the kids in Jurassic Park, monkeys know that they have to climb if they want to overcome a giant fence (electrified or not). And in case they try and pull such a stunt, the Zookeepers of the Tokyo Tama Zoo are drilling to make sure they know how to act accordingly.

Enter Guy in a Monkey Suit.

Yes, the Tokyo Zoo’s idea to see how their employees would prepare for a loose monkey was to dress up one of their own and set him loose on the sidewalks. First off, I don’t care how noble you’re feeling – if there is an upright monkey as tall as you casually walking your way, you don’t try and contain it; you run for your life.

So the monkey is freewheeling his way through the park and the Tama Zookeeper Strike Force
leaps into action. Yes, that’s a mini-clown car assault vehicle, and yes, that’s a woman with a tranquilizing shotgun hanging out the window to take that monkey down.

And it appears she
succeeded.

But here’s the thing about this drill: they didn’t plan for the consequences. While the fake monkey was stopped in its tracks, thus ensuring a peaceful return to his cage of origin, the image of a primate being gunned down in cold fur is now emblazoned in the memories of horrified school children.

The final act, however, was greeted by hysteria among the young crowd who, as they watched the drama unfold, were completely taken in by the animal's 'demise'. It took some time for staff to circulate and reassure the audience that the horror had all been a fantasy.

The next time my office has a fire drill, I think I’m going to convince our intern to run around the building dressed as a raging ball of flame and fire. Yeah, that’ll do the trick.

Monday, January 08, 2007

Undercover Savior

Over 2000 years of Christianity, the hardest question for latter-day believers to answer is not the marketing genius of “What Would Jesus Do?”, but rather the more carefully defined “What Did Jesus Say?” Motivational speakers may insist that actions speak louder than words, but when it came to the Son of God, he held an ace up his sleeve. Sure, his actions (turning water into wine, the miraculous buffet line at Cana) were righteously cool, but when you have the trump card that anything you say becomes Truth, well then, that’s a mighty power, isn’t it?

(Of course, that meant Jesus had to be a straight-shooting orator with no wavering. What if the early Christians didn’t understand sarcasm? He could have said something like, “Oh yeah, Jude, you could TOTALLY knock down that tree if you ran into it headfirst like a bull.” Had Jesus been sarcastic, I’m sure we would have gone through Apostles faster than the Flyers do goalies. Ok, back to the point.)

Fortunately for modern Christians, the early shift wrote down many of these Words of God in a well-translated and unabridged compendium of Godspeak. Today, we know it as the Bible. (Previous fad names that have faded over the years: The Chronicles of Jesus, Lord of the Things (All of ‘Em!), and The Almighty Deity in the Hat) Now when a Christian wants to know what God and the Church teach on a matter, they can easily flip open the Good Book and do some research. Don’t believe us? Fine.

As an example, let’s look at hunting.

I mean, sure, God only spent one of his first seven days of Creation coming up with all crazy sorts of animals to populate the Earth, but wouldn’t the Almighty get mad if his favorite creation (read: us) started taking potshots at the other members of His Kingdom as they try to innocently cross a meadow or stream? What if you were in that position? Say you spent all day building a fleet of Lego spaceships – a real majestic set of crafts that would make even George Lucas blush. And while getting a sandwich from the kitchen, the one Lego Technic (the ones with the motors) battle cruiser you built flips out and just starts smashing fighter jet after fighter jet. Wouldn’t you feel up for some post-lunchtime smiting of that one rogue Technic?

Hell yes you would.


(The previous example needs two disclaimers – 1) I don’t currently have time to play with Legos, although I would totally like to, and 2) I never had any Lego Technic sets, so I may be speculating on their abilities a touch.)

According to Proverbs 12:27, "The slothful man roasteth not that which he took in hunting: but the substance of a diligent man is precious." Huh? Translated, this means that it is not wrong to hunt, but if one hunts for sport with no intention of using the animal for trade or food is slothful. Yes, he is full of sloth. Wait that makes zero sense at all. Ok, long story short, when you used to play Oregon Trail and would kill 32 bison in a single hunting session, but were only capable of carrying 200 pounds back to your shoddy covered wagon – that was morally wrong as per God. Which is probably why on the way to the next town you son Johnny dyed of dysentery. Payback’s a bitch.

While we feel that this was incredibly helpful for all you hunters out there, we’re a little worried that YAB doesn’t exactly reach to the far corners of the forest. Even laptop-toting hunters probably can’t get a wireless signal up in their little tree perches, and therefore, have no way to know how God is accounting for their actions. Lucky for YAB, we have help in the fight to spread God’s word.

Like OneSource Outfitters.

That’s right, hunting people! You can take the Word of God with you on your next foray into shooting animals for food and profit with your very own Camo Bible! It’s the New King James Version (King James was known to be a deadly marksman for quail back in the day), and features a mossy Oak Breakup camouflage cover. Now as you wait up in your crow’s nest with weapon drawn, you can sooth your nerves with some delightful Psalms, or maybe get pumped with the fire and brimstone of Revelations. Why? Because that deer over there can’t see your Bible, now that it’s been covertly dressed.

As for you in a BRIGHT ORANGE VEST, well, that’s another issue.