Save Your Carry-on, Save the World (Pt. 2)

As I had mentioned two posts ago regarding my encounter with Sylar, the first season of “Heroes” has wrapped for the year. While the setting for the final showdown between Sylar and the good guys was cool (a completely abandoned city plaza), the action and the lack of closure with several characters left me disappointed. But hey, I’ve already affirmed my inability to write effective reviews of television and movies, so that’s not what I’m here to do. Instead, I’m going to find work for the Heroes.

You never know when you’ll need some scratch for the ice cream truck.

This may be a big travel summer for the family and me, as we attempt to show off the little one to as many people as possible prior to her becoming, well, more than just little. I know we have at least one more trip via the wild blue yonder, so my encounter at the airport with Sylar may become a recurring theme. Now some people will decry against the crime of overpacking – the method by which you bring everything you own even though you won’t use 80% of it – and I have to admit, it’s a valid point. I’ll be sure to only pack 3 pairs of cargo shorts instead of 4 next time. But one place I will not skimp?

Bringing Heroes to the airport.

The way I see it, each of the superpowered characters on Tim Kring’s NBC creation have some ability to make my trip through the many terminals of an international airport go smoothly. Airports are notorious for letting Vehicular Car-ma kick you in the knees (only to benefit later on, of course), and there’s nothing more frustrating to see even your most uberconservative time management scenario get shot to hell because of something beyond your control. If there were only a group of people able to bend time, space, and matter to help you along the way, you could kiss TSA woes good bye. Our assigned Heroes Airport Tasks (HATs) are as follows:

1. For half a season, Isaac Mendez was the struggling, heroin-addicted artist who could paint the future, complete with comic book-style carnage, intrigue, and color. When the moment would strike him, his eyes would gloss over, and the painting would begin. A whirlwind of brushstrokes would ensue, and when it was all said and done, you’d have canvas-based future. It seems more and more I’m getting on airplanes at ungodly early hours of the day. And since the airlines’ website never seems to be updating in real-time, it would be nice to have a nice watercolor rendering of my plane taking off with a clock in the foreground. It would be nice to know if I should pack a crossword puzzle for a grueling three hour delay. Thanks, Isaac.
2. If you are returning home, you probably have a pesky rental car to square away prior to checking in. Sadly, there’s not enough time to guarantee making it through the lines and getting that minivan back to the off-site parking. Sometimes, it would be nice to be two places in one. Enter Niki Sanders. Just let her evil alter ego do the checking in – I wouldn’t want to see her get pissed at Enterprise for a quarter tank of gas. And while you wait in line with her, you can quote all the Varsity Blues lines you want. Thanks, Niki.
3. Man, has getting through the metal detector ever become a chore these days. Now you know you’re not a terrorist, and since you’ve got the Heroes with you, there’s zero possibility that an actual terrorist would be beating the system with this next maneuver. In case you haven’t flown in awhile, you need to put your personal belongings into these gray plastic bins so that they can be X-rayed. And once you take off your shoes and belt, remove your laptop from your carry-on, drop your spare change, cell phone and keys, you’ve got an impressive 62 plastic bins to collect once you make it through. As long as you assure electronics whiz-kid Micah Sanders that you’re not a terrorist, he’ll gladly “fix” the detector so that all of this can be avoided. Thanks, Micah.
4. You’ve made it into the terminal. Congratulations. Since you have 40 minutes to spare, you decide to stand in line at the Starbucks kiosk for a well-deserved shot of caffeine. Life is good. That is, until some track star sprints right by you trying to make the 9:15 to Tampa and his carry-on hits your venti Latte with the force of Terry Tate. Good thing those 3rd-degree skin burns are only temporary – since Claire Bennet is on hand to help with those pesky searings. Thanks, Claire.
5. We were fortunate enough to travel on a plane last week that our old child mistook for a stationary room with many rows of seats. Had we explained to her that we were cruising at an altitude of 38k, she may have screamed and cried her head off, as babies are prone to do. Now while Clara was an exception to the rule, it is a well-known fact that babies like to cry on airplanes. It’s something having to do with having an audience that allows them to belt so clearly into coach and first-class. However, I wonder what they’re actually trying to tell us, since flight attendants don’t seem to have any actual idea. Enter Matt Parkman. The LAP cop who can read people’s thoughts would be glad to translate babyspeak. Thanks, Matt.
6. All this help and you STILL missed your flight? Just call Senator Nathan Petrelli. He’ll give you a lift.