If one chose to travel from my hometown to the New Jersey Township of Freehold by car, you could expect to be on the road for slightly under 50 miles, slightly over an hour, heading slightly NNE, and pass approximately 9 Wawas. You would also get to spend some quality time on the New Jersey Turnpike, while migrating from the nice, forest-loving South Jersey into the ambiguous, non-quite-sure-what-to-define-it-as Central Jersey. This is how you would do it, if you decided to travel by car.
However, if you choose to travel by moon rock, the route is a little more direct. All you have to do is get in your moon rock, descend from the sky by the powers of gravity, reach a terminal velocity, and with all the collision insurance you can buy, crash through the roof of a house in Freehold and lodge thyself into a wall.
(It’s a more direct route, but there’s way fewer Wawas via this method.)
Yes, much to the surprise of the Freehold Township branch of NASA (read: old crazy guy with a telescope), some sort of metal-based rock came crashing to earth Tuesday night. Authorities are calling it golf-ball sized, which by viewing this photo of the thing, we have two questions. First, has anyone thought to rent the 1996 Rian Johnson flick, “Evil Demon Golfball from Hell!!!”, as to make sure that this wasn’t a present from Satan that came from below? (And also to be the first to ever rent said flick?) Secondly, look at this picture of the rock. Now think of how big a golf ball is.
What kind of jumbo golf do the good people of Freehold play? What do they use for golf tees? Umbrella stands?
Moving past the littlest of details, we’re really glad that Detective R. Gelber was so quick to offer his ruler for the official measurement. How do we know it was old Gelby? He has a freakin’ label on his ruler. I can understand laying claim to something more valuable, like a stapler, by putting one’s personal sticker on it, but a ruler? Is Freehold a crime bastion for measurement tool theft?
Anyways, after the Feds ruled out that it did not come from an airplane (thank God, by the way – I’d be rethinking air travel if plane parts look like that.), it was left to the police force of Freehold to determine its origins. You know, investigate chemical compounds, weigh, feel, observe, calculate, matter studies – stuff that could be helpful.
OR! We could just put it in this tube? Yeah, that’ll solve the mighty mystery.
(Apropos of nothing, an anagram for Freehold Township is Tenfold Horsewhip. Warrants mentioning.)
You wonder why completely ridiculous things happen to good people sometimes. There’s no way anyone could have predicted ye old ball of space foil would crash through their roof, forcing them to make the weirdest call to their insurance provider ever. But these people should consider themselves lucky. After all, remember that woman who was struck by the lamppost that fell courtesy of the Cat in the Hat during the Macy’s parade? Yeah, her. She’s also the resident of the apartment that Cory Lidle’s plane crashed into on the Upper East Side. Just wow.
What’s YAB’s take on this “moon rock” from outer space? Simple.
God didn’t like his baked potato.
