Baby Einstein on the Beach

Two posts ago, I mentioned that we, with Clara as a part of our Nielsen rating demographic, are a Baby Einstein family. For those unfamiliar with the product line of educational DVDs, let me clear up something that I wouldn’t had known had I not become a member of their frequent viewing audience.

Firstly, Baby Einstein does not feature smaller, miniature versions of history’s great minds and artists. It’s not like Muppet Babies, where you can throw on a diaper and dock some height so that we can all enjoy a smaller version of an established cadre of great characters. There isn’t a baby Albert Einstein running around saying adorable things with a German accent and trying to explain relativity to a puppy named Patches. It’s probably best that the designers decided to go in a different direction. After all, Einstein is known for his trademark wild, gray hair and mustache.

That would make for one creepy baby.

As for the content, for those unfamiliar with their work, Baby Einstein has a subject matter aimed to teach small children important words. You know, things like colors. Shapes. Numbers. It makes sense to start with these basic building blocks of our language. When I took Spanish I in high school, the fifth chapter of our books was about the environment. Apparently, once I had school supplies, places, colors, and family members down, it was time to protect our world. I kid you not – one of el vocabulario redacta was the Spanish words for “nuclear winter.”

Apparently, the outlook from one textbook publishing company for the next century’s a bit bleak.

But back to the programming. By method of repetition, and a combination of photography and puppetry, Clara is now reading on an 8th grade level. She found “A Separate Peace” overrated, longs to read other Shakespeare besides Julius Caesar, and can actually understand many of the articles in Financial Times. Who knew all it would take is a couple of hippo hand puppets teaching the horse hand puppets that if you have two of something, you can share.

And man, these things are addictive. I would rather watch Baby Noah teach me about the animals of the world than watch Everybody Loves Raymond. Do you know what they teach babies in Baby Noah? They teach you “wombat.” Yes, in the Outback chapter, you learn to identify kangaroos, koalas, geckos, and yes, WOMBATS.

This kid is going to know wombats at 13 months? I’ll clear some shelf space for her Fields Medal now.

One of the fun perks of working for Baby Einstein is crediting various historical figures as tops in their respective fields by naming their expertise after them, when it comes to children’s DVDs. To date, it appears that Einstein, Beethoven, Mozart, Wordsworth, McDonald, Noah, Monet, da Vinci, and many others. I’d like to take the opportunity to honor some other people with their own videos here.

Baby Nordberg: Learning Cartography
Baby Mellor: Learning Fantasy Sports
Baby Caro: Learning Colonial History
Baby Reif: Learning Automotives
Baby Harford: Learning Relationships
Baby Jester: Learning Cinema

And …

Baby Yelito: Learning Journey

Karen Yelito is Awesome! (For Now)

You remember last year when I spoke of the glory of Lacey Smith concerning her exemplary prognosticating in the first two rounds of the NCAA tournament? No? Fine, here’s a hyperlink. After 500 words of explaining her excellence, she went on to…well…NOT WIN You’re a Bracket II. That honor was bestowed upon Mike Nordberg, who managed to get the LEAST amount of games correct, and then hit the overall winner, Florida in the final. His pick of the Gators gave him 32 points, which he miraculously used to overcome the 31-point deficit he faced. Amazing.

(Apparently, this was Mike’s One Shining Moment, as he chose to “ride on a fancy submarine” over “defend his title.” He is noticeably absent from this year’s festivities.)

So all I'm saying, is that just because you're in the lead for the time being, it doesn't automatically confirm that you will be crowned the You're a Bracket III champion. And of course, we would like to feature the excellence of those in the driver's seat, so we'll do it. Just keep in mind that this is far from a coronation.

I give you Karen "The Coffee Machine" Yelito!!!

With only the Final Four standing in her way, Karen has amassed an impressive 101 points to date. If she goes perfect in the last three games, she could end up with 165 out of 193, easily a record for the YAB tourneys of the last three years. Her secret? It's all in the method.

1. Sit down with an empty bracket.
2. Crank some Journey.
3. Let the music be your guide.

I have no doubt that the silky voice of one Steve Perry is what has propelled Yelito into our top spot. She never Stopped Believin' in Xavier. She welcomed Louisville into the Elite 8 with Open Arms. She rooted for Davidson Faithfully (at least for a round). Any Way You Want It, Karen Yelito had it this year. And with 3 of the 4 Final Four teams (sorry, Texas), she's got the right to brag.

Or does she?

With four teams, three games, and one championship left, there are 8 different scenarios that can play out next weekend. And while she may feel invincible, (what with her picks she made like 3 minutes before leaving for work that day), it's worth mention that Karen will be crowned thy champion in only ONE SCENARIO. For those of you scoring at home, here's how next week may unfurl.

If the final game is:

• North Carolina over UCLA: The Coffee Machine is your winner
• North Carolina over Memphis: David 'I Don't Want Your' Reif is your winner
• Kansas over UCLA: Kelly "The Darkhorse" Liggett is your winner
• Kansas over Memphis: Liggett's got the Jayhawk lockdown again
• UCLA over North Carolina: Why, that would be CHRIS CONDON!!!
• UCLA over Kansas: Tim "From 15th to 1st" Fischer comes out of nowhere.
• Memphis over North Carolina: Greg "Just Winsky, Baby" is your man
• Memphis over Kansas: Winsky gets the square.

It's far from over, kids.

3 Rites of Bachelordom

Hello? Anybody here?

Of course, I knew the answer to that question. Since the women of my household were driven by yours truly to Dulles International Airport at the crack of dawn Saturday, there better well be no one in my house answering back to my rhetorical query. You see, as parents, we are aiming to instill our child with very important lessons that will help her grow and develop. You know, things like colors, shapes, numbers, going on spring break –

Yeah. You heard me.

So while Katie and Clara are livin’ la vida Pensacola for the next few days, I’m alone in the townhouse for the first time, well, ever. And while it’s big and empty, I need to make the most of it and do the 3 things that I’ve always wanted to do in our new residence and have yet to have the opportunity.

1. Take a nap.

You see, we set aside some money in our new house budget to partially outfit the place with some select pieces of new furniture. Now ever since I graduated GW, Katie had always said that she’s like to get me a comfortable chair. And after much deliberation, I found a leather recliner that worked perfectly. It came the day before Clara’s birthday – a day I spent painting the stairwell in both fast and furious ways. In fact, at day’s end, I informed Katie that I’m taking the next 11 minutes to “sit in my chair.” And while much sitting has happened, I had yet to take a nap on purpose in my vaunted throne du Chris. Sure, there have been plenty of “Condonaps” – those which go unplanned in every way. But never had I lied down with full intention of taking the next 40 minutes to an hour to rest. Well guess what? After a early gym session on the way back from Dulles, I grabbed a blanket and did exactly that. OBJECTIVE COMPLETE.

2. Take a bath.

Another nice feature about our place is the larger-than-expected master bath. In addition to having a double sink and a shower stall, it’s got a large bath tub. Now, I’m not exactly a tub guy – showers serve their function nicely, thank you very much. But perhaps I favor the shower just because I haven’t crossed paths with a appropriately-sized one since I was 9. But this tub is large, and there’s more than enough room to just lie back and relax. Now I’m not advocating the bubble bath – what with all the scented candles and such – but I am advocating the water nap. Endorsed by my own daughter who fell asleep the first time we took her in a swimming pool, the motion of water is enough to cure an insomniac. And since attempting such an endeavor in an ocean or deep end often ends with, well, drowning, a bath would be a perfect opportunity. OBJECTIVE COMPLETE.

Despite my disclaimer, Nordberg I’m sure will call me out as a woman for the last one. To counter that effect, I submit the third thing:

3. Watch Band of Brothers

Short of hanging drywall, I can think of no more manly activity than watching a mini-series about World War II. Since I’ve never had HBO, I miss out on great events such as this, and with Tom Hanks’ new John Adams feature out, it reminded me of my interest in seeing Band of Brothers. Now I am only halfway through, but it’s been absolutely fantastic so far. Even though I know how it ends (America wins, Nazis lose), I can’t wait to polish off the last five episodes.

Otherwise, I’m just going to have to imagine wartime dialogue whilst watching Baby Einstein.

Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Finger

You see? That’s just not fair.

About a month ago, our company made a long-overdue strategic decision that kicked our existing maintenance vendor to the curb. Their contract had run out of options, and frankly, even if there were more, we probably would have said, “thanks, but no thanks” and given them the Heisman. In came a new firm, ready to take the torch of HVAC maintenance, landscaping of grounds, and janitorial duties. (Actual torch, however, was frowned upon. All three tasks probably involve some highly flammable material.)

The new guys are very different from the old guys. The subscribe to completely different values – ideals such as “competency, timeliness, and know-how.” It’s a refreshing change, to say the least, knowing that there’s a new sherriff in town – one that knows his way around an electrical outlet installation. The old guard has been run out of town, and while I do my best to clean up their A/R report, it’s unlikely I’ll invite them back for one more drink at the Corporate Real Estate Saloon. Over the last five years, there have been plenty of bullets flying back and forth, and it’s nice to see that the cavalry has finally arrived.

You may have notices a plethora of Old West analogies in the last ‘graph. Why would I do such a thing? Oh, that’s right. To provide an excellent segue to the point of this post altogether.

THE NEW GUYS WEAR COWBOY HATS.

Ok, not all of them. Just the one in charge of this building. But true to form, he walks around the property in a company issued windbreaker, workpants, and YES, a suede brown cowboy hat. Now the way I see it, there aren’t a whole lot of professions that you can get away with donning a ten gallon at work, but apparently being the one blue collar guy in a building full of white collars gives you that authority.

Am I saying I want to wear a cowboy hat? Of course not. That would look ridiculous with even the most casual of business casual dress. But it does bring up a greater point that I would like to address here now.

We need to bring hats back.

Look at movies from the 50’s, like The Apartment (okay, 1960). All the men went to and from work, in complete respectable suits. If it was cold, they were overcoats. If it was warm, they wore blazed. But no matter what, they wore HATS. Yes, hats that matched the suit, and kept their heads from getting wet. They were high-fashion AND high-function. So seriously, what happened?

BRING BACK THE FEDORA.

I would love to make this part of Corporate America’s required attire once again. Remember back in middle school when the teachers would arbitrarily declare one day a year “Hat Day.” Those days were awesome. It gave people personality. It gave them life. Now all we’ve got for that are ties. And half the time and those are a hassle you’d prefer not to wear anyway.

But a fedora? A fedora is cool. Custom-fit, one for each suit – that’s what we need to return to. Who’s with me? Who will wear a fedora?

Sure beats a cowboy hat.

October Madness!

As you may have noticed, we didn’t get around to previewing half of the NCAA Men’s Basketball bracket last week. You see, once Siena knocked down Vandy, we got ecstatic with our chances that this just might be the year that we win it all. Any additional analysis went out yon window, leaving YAB Nation with only 50% of a preview, of which about 12% wasn’t completely fabricated in every way.

In order to make it up to you, we’re going to turn that Preview into a Review, by simply screwing with the space-time continuum further, and kicking the letter P to the curb. (Sorry, P. Maybe Sesame Street will throw you a bone and let you sponsor an extra episode someday soon.)

NCAA South Bracket Review

First Round

(1) Memphis 87, (16) UT-Arlington 63 – Why did it happen? Because God has made it clear to all 16 seeds that they’re not allowed to ever win a game. If they were allowed, they’d be called 16-4 seeds, as to give them the illusion of being dangerous 12 seeds. Plus, the Tigers have Chris Douglas-Roberts. Never trust a man with three first names.

(8) Mississippi St 76, (9) Oregon 69 – Why did it happen? Because Oregon spent too much time in the Nike “What Not to Wear Lab” and missed the pre-game shootaround.

(5) Michigan St 72, (12) Temple 61 – Why did it happen? Temple has a game named Dionte Christmas, arguably their best player. He didn’t score a damn point in the first half, completely my 3-team Philly screw up teaser (0-3 is not good). Somebody ruined…himself.

(4) Pittsburgh 82, (13) Oral Roberts 63 – Why did this happen? Because I mocked them openly over on MYFO. Sorry, guys. At least you have salvation still going for you.

(6) Marquette 74, (11) Kentucky 66 – Why did this happen? Because of brand name confusion. I blame KFC. For years, they were known as Kentucky Fried Chicken. In order to allay concerns from health fanatics, they dropped the unhealthy word (fried) from their moniker, hoping people would be fooled. Of course, no one expects the other side effects. In doing so, KFC lost its statehood altogether. The Wildcats have no fast food chain to call their own. Wandering from Arby’s to Taco Bell in the middle of the night, they are value meal nomads. That wears on the old treads, and makes it impossible to generate a surprising upset. The loss is on your watch, Colonel.

(3) Stanford 77, (14) Cornell 53 – Why did this happen? I have no clue. However, the media didn’t have a single shred of basketball analysis to add to this game, other than the combined SAT score would kill any other matchup. Real brilliant, guys. For the record, other tourney schools in the US News Top 20? Duke, Vandy, Notre Dame. Apparently, being smart isn’t a requirement to make the Sweet 16.

(7) Miami 78, (10) St. Mary’s CA 64 – Why did this happen? Because every year, one major conference team who has no business not getting upset holds form and beats a trendy underdog. Plus, Little Rock is so much more like South Florida than California.

(2) Texas 74, (15) Austin Peay 52 – Why did this happen? Because I dropped P from Preview. Sorry, Austin.

Second Round

Memphis over Mississippi State – Damn you, alphabetical order! You win every time!

Michigan State over Pittsburgh – Because the Big East hates me. Bane of my existence this year. I just can’t figure them out. It’s kind of like Eli Stone. For those who turn their TVs off immediately after Lost, you’ve been missing a highly entertaining law dramedy starring Johnny Lee Miller (Hackers!) and Natasha Henstridge. It’s a great show, but at some point, ABC’s going to decide it’s not their next hit and start screwing with the timeslot. It’s already been confirmed Lost is taking in April 24, so what becomes of it then? Oh, and Drew Neitzel was a rebounding machine.

Stanford over Marquette – Just because your name begins with M, it doesn’t mean you’re automatically in the Sweet 16.

Texas over Miami – Matthew McConaughey is a notable Longhorn alum. Humberto Reboredo aptly represents the Hurricanes. This game was decided by “Number of Movies Each Has Done with Kate Hudson.” Sorry, man.