You're a McBlog

It’s time to check in with our good friends at McDonalds. Since I assume from their surname that they call the Emerald Isle home, it’s always nice to honor my fellow countrymen, countrywomen, and countryfryguys with a little bit of blog publicity.

(I don’t know what it is about fast food that makes it such a frequent topic here on YAB. It’s not like I eat it all that often. But probably when you are looking for a topic in the morning and you pass 37 chain restaurants on the way to work, they have a way of seeping into the comedic subconscious. But I digress.)

First things first, we send our best to the family of Herb Peterson, as he will be remembered in history as the man who invented the Egg McMuffin back in 1972. He passed away Wednesday. He was 89. While there appears to be no signs of foul play (HE WAS 89.), the Hamburglar has been taken in for precautionary questioning.

Wow, the Egg McMuffin. This guy invented it. For decades of fast food, no one had even imagined the notion of placing a conveniently circular cooked egg patty between the two ends of an English Muffin. THANK GOD FOR HERB PETERSON. Without him, you breakfast value meal today could consist of an English Muffin placed between two egg patties. What a mess.

And somehow, I’m sure the guy who invented the McRib Sandwich is continuing to live in anonymity, despite his crimes against humanity.

Once thing is clear about McDonalds – they sure know how to brand. No matter what, for the rest of all eternity, anytime somebody affixes a “Mc-“ to the beginning of any word, you’re going to assume that it has to be associated with the Golden Arches. McMansion? Yep. McPaper? Why not. McDegree? Yep, complete with grease-stained diplomas. While they may be no more than clever literary devices for less-than-clever journalists, they have permeated our vernacular to the point of exacerbation.

(That last sentence brought to you by SAT Verbal flash cards, no doubt.)

But if the trend is to exist, count on Mickey D’s to take advantage of it. Let’s say you’re sitting at a red light, enjoying the McDonald’s Snack Wrap you purchased at their drive-thru moments ago? In fact, you love its combination of ranch dressing and minimal prep time so much that you would like to work for an establishment clever enough to combine the two. How can you get more information about working at McDonalds? Look at your receipt, stupid.

www.mcvirginia.com

Look at that! They’ve localized their job openings by state, and went so far as to affix their trademark prefix to the state’s name and register it as a domain name on the world wide web! But hang on, maybe they just did it for VA. Let’s try another.

www.mcmaryland.com

www.mcnewjersey.com

Oh my gosh! That’s some serious forethought. Maybe they overlooked state where there aren’t actual people, just meandering water buffalo…

www.mcwyoming.com

NO WAY! These guys are McRelentless (TM!)! Ok, it turns out, that by going to www.mcstate.com, it clearly shows that they’ve gone ahead and registered all the dotcoms of state names with their M-C in front. So for all you aspiring rappers who have a strong affinity of geography and would like your own website, you’re out of luck. Enjoy being relegated to MySpace.

What’s this?

The only exception to the rule comes to us from Hawaii. The website for burger flipping positions in Maui is actually www.mchawaii.net, rather than .com. Why? Because it appears the Management Consultants of Hawaii has beaten a certain fast food behemoth to the punch.

Grimace is not going to stand for this.

Previewing the Midwest

Last year, the NCAA committee decided to no longer name each quadrant of the bracket after the host city in which their regional final would be played. After a longstanding tradition where we used directions to define where the Sweet 16 and Elite 8 matchups were held, for some reason we wanted to make four cities in particular more famous by naming a whole bracket piece after them.

This, of course, is the opposite of what the NHL did years ago, where they scrapped less helpful designations of divisions, named after important hockey people of the past, for the directional identities the conferences hold today. So if you were wondering on your last trip to the Wachovia Center what was the Patrick Division championships that the Flyers won on those banners, now you know.

As to why they haven't won anything in a while, I can't help you.

So, as I was saying, we're back to the mighty directionals of the compass: EAST! WEST!! SOUTH!!!

MIDWEST?!?!?

As long as I can remember, North has gotten shafted. Apparently there aren't enough decent hosting venues in North Dakota and Maine. Eh, can't blame them. The games would draw too many Canadians.

MIDWEST BRACKET CAPSULES

• Kansas has a famous saying, "Rock Chalk Jayhawk." It comes from a 19th century Chem professor of theirs who thought "Ra, Ra" was too hard to remember because it didn't rhyme with Jayhawk. Note to Coach Bill Self: if your team forgets what they're playing today, remind them that it sounds like "masketball." Works every time.
• .2% of people registered at CBS Sportsline have picked Portland State to knock off Kansas. I'm glad that all of the players' parents are internet savvy.
• When I was a kid, I played rec league basketball and my dad was the coach. As coach, one of the things you get to do is name the team. We were the Runnin' Rebels, no doubt named after the powerhouse of the early 90's, UNLV. Hey Dad, did our team have recruiting violations, too?
• Kent State would like to win just one game on the national scene where dumb sportswriters don't use "massacre" in the headline. Sincerely, the Golden Flashes.
• I have a photo hanging in my bedroom at my parents' house of me playing the French Horn in the All-SJ Jr. High Band. There's a trumpet player in it wearing an awesome St. Louis Blues jersey. I'm wearing a boring Clemson sweatshirt. I'm pretty sure I had no idea where Clemson was at the time. Hey, Brett Hull, wanna trade?
• Malik Allen, a forward for my high school at my time to attendance, went to Villanova. Now, he's showing how clever he can be with the Dallas Mavericks.
• David Reif went to Vanderbilt. And was good enough to play on the scout team.
• Siena is a college best served burnt.
• USC features a player who was simultaneously named after a breakfast juice AND a condiment! I give you O.J. Mayo! Awesome.
• Kansas State wishes more people would watch New Amsterdam, but will ultimately credit Fox with its wild schedule moves for the clever show's inevitable cancellation.
• No one will be rooting for the Wisconsin Badgers in Wisconsin this weekend. Especially if Brett Favre fails to be resurrected this Easter Sunday.
• Computer Science Fullerton? Dork.
• Gonzaga can't wait for tonight's episode of Lost. Something to remember - it may have been a season and a half since we last saw Michael, but on the island, it's closer to like three weeks. That's a lot less explaining to do. Number of times he says "my son" in this episode: eleventy billion.
• Davidson almost beat Maryland last year in the tourney. Failing to do so is their greatest regret.
• Georgetown's Roy Hibbert is a Level 5 vegan. He doesn't eat anything that casts a shadow.
• UMBC? I love acronyms. How about University of Mind-Bending Cattle? Seriously. Cows with mind control. UNSTOPPABLE.
  

September Madness!

Welcome to YAB. Don't mind the date - we've misplaced our calendar.

Regardless of the month it says it is, you are obligated as an American to reduce your productivity this upcoming Thursday and Friday and pay attention to likely meaningless games between colleges you never considered attending. And sure, it's one thing to root for the sake of rooting, but wouldn't it be a little more fun if you had some skin in the game?

Who the hell came up with that phrase, anyway?

(Ok, apparently it was Warren Buffet. That man is everywhere!)

Actually, I'll tell you what. At YAB, we ask not for your own skin, but offer the promise of a wicked sweet prize. (And just because Mike Nordberg has yet to receive last year's T-shirt doesn't mean that said promise will be unfulfilled.) Welcome to You're a Bracket III.

All you have to do is go to the following (outdated) url:

http://yab07.mayhem.sportsline.com/e

The password? Why that would be "condon."

In the coming 24 hours, expect some bracket capsules to help with your selections, although I should warn you.

I intend to make everything up.

Let's start with the East, shall we?

• North Carolina comes in as the top seed. I recently watched them fight off Duke in Durham at a sports bar, accompanied by Nordberg. Unfortunately, my last shirt was a Tar Heel blue polo. How can you wear a UNC-colored shirt to a bar and claim you aren't supporting the team? Answer: by buying Nordberg enough beer to keep him quiet.
• Mount St.Mary's, the 16 seed, had to defeat Coppin State for the right to be slaughtered by the Heels. On top of that, they made them go to OHIO to play said game. What prayer didn't St. Mary answer from the NCAA committee to warrant such abuse?
• Indiana's season has gone to hell ever since former Head Coach Kelvin Sampson was fired for texting his BFF, Jill.
• Arkansas has a senior guard named Sonny Weems. I did not make this up.
• Notre Dame promises, at no point in this tournament, that they won't even mention college football. That includes references to Rudy.
• George Mason beat William and Mary to win the Colonial. Their mascot, the Dreamcrusher, will be making the trip to the Big Dance.
• Washington State has had it with the Pearl Jam and coffee references, thankyouverymuch.
• Winthrop cried at the end of Atonement.
• Oklahoma can't get over the face that all of the hybrid vehicles are so damn ugly. What do you mean the Honda Element is not a hybrid?
• St. Joe's has a mascot who refuses to stop flapping his wings. Ever. That'll come in helpful should the gym bleachers catch on fire.
• Louisville is in Kentucky. Better luck next university founding.
• Boise State has developed a space age wood that shall be installed on their home court for next season. It's Smurf blue.
• Butler has banned the game Clue from all road trip activities.
• South Alabama has been granted a home game of sorts, getting to player Butler in Birmingham. It's near Greenbow.
• Tennessee's head coach Bruce Pearl has appeared at women's games shirtless and painted orange.
• American has seen the tape and should be in therapy shortly.
  

Just No Rob Schneider, Alright?

EW.com, the web version of Entertainment Weekly, provides plenty of online content to keep yourself enthralled while listening to boring conference calls whilst on mute. Sure, they’ve got breaking entertainment news and the latest on casting decisions for the summer blockbusters, but the real time wasters are the photo gallery montages of Hollywood’s best. Often, it’s stuff like “The Roles of Will Ferrell” or “Greatest Football Movies.” That’s fine. But every once in a while, they do something about things you, the reader, isn’t familiar with.

This is why I was excited to flip through today’s: 20 Movies We Can’t Wait to See.

By using a still from “Leatherheads,” I was hooked into flipping through the album of 20. After all, Clooney’s directing, it’s got Jim from the Office, and it has a screwball comedy vibe that’s admirable when proper actors take these sorts of projects. I have to agree, Leatherheads is marked on my calendar, and I hope to see it when it comes out on April 4. But what of the rest?

Sure, there are some that are definitely worth a watch. Drillbit Taylor and Forgetting Sarah Marshall are Judd Apatow comedies, so likely will be entertaining. And I’d be remised if I didn’t mention Harold and Kumar 2 for the sake of Jon and Jasen. And on a more serious note, it may be good to remember that Funny Games rolls out on March 14. But then there are others on the list, which seems to only be movies from March and April, that aren’t quite as promising. The Ruins? A Lohan flick? What is this?

Then I thought to compare the list to the major releases on the calendar for the next two months.

March 7:
College Road Trip
10,000 B.C. – ON THE LIST
Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day – ON THE LIST
Married Life – ON THE LIST
The Bank Job

March 14:
Doomsday
Horton Hears a Who! – ON THE LIST
Funny Games – ON THE LIST

March 21:
Drillbit Taylor – ON THE LIST
Meet the Browns

March 28:
21 – ON THE LIST
Stop Loss – ON THE LIST
Run, Fatboy, Run
Superhero Movie (you’re kidding, right?)

April 4:
Leatherheads – ON THE LIST
Shine a Light – ON THE LIST
Nim’s Island – ON THE LIST
The Ruins – ON THE LIST
My Blueberry Nights – ON THE LIST

April 11:
Prom Night
Smart People – ON THE LIST
The Brothers Bloom

April 18:
88 Minutes
Forgetting Sarah Marshall – ON THE LIST

April 25:
Harold and Kumar 2 – ON THE LIST
The List – ON THE LIST (AND REDUNDANT!)
Baby Mama – ON THE LIST
Deception – ON THE LIST
Big Stan – Rob Schneider is in this. That’s all you need to know.


Apparently, EW can’t wait to see over 70% of all movies ever. Doesn’t that seem, I don’t know, a bit high? For March and April?

They could have had an 8-movie list of “8 Movies We Think You Should Not See.” Seems more efficient.

The Honduran Post Paradox

I call this current lack of blogging the Honduran Post Paradox.

Shortly after college, when my classmates and I were scattered by the winds of future employment (if CareerBuilder.com wants to trademark that, I demand a cut), we entered into it confidently that we’d all keep in touch. After all, thanks to the Internets, we had it EASY. There wouldn’t be letter writing, there wouldn’t be outrageous long distance phone charges, and for the love of all things postal, there wouldn’t be hand cramps from the writing of lengthy tomes. Our parents may have had to struggle with such hardships, but not us. No, sir. We are living in the age of the Computer, and the Computer remembers where everyone is FOR you. Good computer.

Everyone went their own directions and acquired new e-mail addresses. Some included domain names for impressive-sounding companies. Others had migrated to a new .edu address. And yes, some chose to rock this fledgling new startup called “gmail.” Regardless, if you got two people stuck in front of a computer during the day, with not a whole lot to do, you could exchanged upwards of 30 “letters.” Postage-free.

And then Jasen moves to Honduras.

As you may recall, one Jasen Andersen decided to spend his first two years of post-graduate life helping the people of Honduras via the Peace Corps. He probably spent 24 long months making Survivor references that nobody would get. The people of Honduras were eternally grateful for Yaz’s contributions, considering he had to leave all his family and friends back in the States.

As friends of Jasen, all we could do to support his cause was the keep him abreast of the goings-on in our lives as well as the news here in the States. Many of our friends rose to the challenge, including some who even went and visited him in his tiny jungle hamlet. I’d like to say that I was one of these friends – a trip where Grimm and I were to invade the ‘duras in the summer of ’03 nearly happened, if it weren’t for some last minute work obligations. (Or Grimm had to drop a couple grand on the Grimm Prix – can’t remember.) Alas, it did not happen.

Of course, I could always write the lad. After all, I had free time on my hands looking for a job and making sure the walls of my apartment didn’t fall down. But here’s where the rub lies. The longer I took to write him, the more monumental (in my head) the correspondence had to be. What started as a simple note to say hey steamrolled into a full letter, and then a chapter, and then a book, and then a parody, and then a play, and then a full journal. That’s the Honduran Post Paradox. The more you want to write, the more you get crushed by heightened inner expectations. Ultimately, I never wrote him, and as they say in Slapshot –

“You go to the box, and you feel shame.”

Some would say that we’ve gotten to the point on YAB with the backdating that it’s time to write a full journal in order to get back on track. It’s not that nothing has happened in the last couple of months. It’s just that energy to kick things off once again that has prevented me from writing. Yeah, I’ve been busy, but no busier than July 04-now, during which the blog has flourished. Well, instead of trying to write something epic to get back on track, let’s just start with a post. A simple post, like this one. ell, consider this a return.

It’s not grand yet, but it will be.

Welcome back, YAB. Welcome back.