I Dub Thee, JUB-JUB!

ESPN, over the years, has managed to create some great personalities in the broadcasting game. They gave us the dry humor of Kenny Maybe, the clever writing of Dan Patrick, the enthusiasm of Keith Olbermann, and the complete inability to keep of a straight face of Charley Steiner. These anchors all had a specific, memorable look to compliment their weapons of wit, and it is for this reason that I was able to recall them from memory to write this opening. On the other hand – what comes to mind when I rattle off the following group of ESPN talent: Steve Levy. Rece Davis. Karl Ravech. Larry Beil. Chris Fowler?

Correct Answer: absolutely nothing.

These gents are the guys who look the most like your stereotypical news anchor and/or desk jockey. White guys with black hair. They haven’t kept jobs because of their astounding senses of timing or humor, but rather because they didn’t suck at what they do. No one has tuned in to Sports Center over the years because they knew any of the above names would be manning the highlights on a given broadcast, but they don’t flub their lines and don’t want to make their produce cry. As long as you can stay average and be a white guy with dark hair and little personality, you’ve got a career in sports broadcasting.But if you start to slip, you get called out on reputable blogs like You’re a Blog. With that said-

Chris Myers, you’re ruining my name. Stop it.

Myers, you had a decent run on SportsCenter. You often played the straight man, or in broadcasting terms, “the unfunny one.” That’s okay, one of the two of you had to be that guy. Better suited for Outside the Lines or Up Close, it was never your forte. And while I do not remember why it is you left ESPN in 1998 – that was the Summer of Shawnee Group Fun and I could have cared less – you’ve joined Fox and continually provided fans everywhere a poor example of what people named Chris are capable of.

Typically, one would think that a guy low on personality would fade into the backdrop of sports. I wouldn’t have to worry about Chris ruining the name Chris on national TV if he was merely mediocre. But as you now have inexplicably risen to the role of Head Sideline Reporter for FOX Sports, your incompetence serves as a daily reminder that not all named Chris are born equal.

Some are born in the Stupid Tree and hit every branch on the way down.

I suppose my dislike of Captain Vanilla goes back to last year’s Fiesta Bowl. Boise State, an underdog from the WAC played the Sooner powerhouse of Oklahoma, and won in overtime via a plethora of schoolyard trick plays. One BSU player that was an integral part of the stunning victory, Ian Johnson, was the target of Myers’ post-game interview. Here’s the thing – Ian Johnson had already let Fox Sports know that at the end of the game, he was planning on proposing to his girlfriend – a BSU cheerleader – on national television. Myers was briefed on this, as his interview was the lead-in to a magical event in collegiate athletics. His witty segue?

"I know you are going to propose to your girlfriend, congratulations"

Furthermore, I think every sports broadcast personality gets asked to cameo in a sports movie every now and then. Real reporters and anchors are used to give the fictional sports line added authenticity. Bob Costas, perhaps the Number One Seed in this category – has done Cars, Coach Carter, The Scout, and BASEketball.

Myers has Juwanna Mann and Rat Race on the old resume.

However, revenge is best served…conan.

Conan O’Brien, prior to the beginning of the World Series, had Fox lead play-by-play man Joe Buck as a guest. In the interview, Buck talked about a little game he plays with his friends where they’ll text message an obscure word and a dollar amount to Buck during the broadcast, and if Buck can work the word into the coverage, he gets the dollar amount. Conan offered $1,000 to the charity of Joe Buck’s choice if he could find a place for the word “Jub-Jub.” The gauntlet was dropped, and Buck accepted.

Now where could Joe Buck fit in “Jub-Jub” so that it would be clever, sneaky, and thwart the specific enemy that this particular column has been aimed towards? To the videotape!

From this point forward, Chris Myers shall be known as Jub-Jub. Perfect.