Air Can-ada

Oh man, does it feel good to wield so much firepower.

Some might think I have the job of a desk jockey. All of my work can be done in relative safety, protected by an L-shaped shield of faux mahogany furniture. There’s a highly unlikely chance of a natural disaster here in suburban Virginia, I don’t have to operate with flames of death licking my heels, and wild animals do not roam freely at my feet. But these are not the reasons why I feel safe atop my ergonomically-compliant swivel perch.

It’s because I have my finger on the trigger.

That’s right, people. I’m armed and oftentimes dangerous. They say that police officers and soldiers have an increased sense of self-confidence when they know they have the ability to shoot to kill, and now I know exactly what they mean. I deal with my fair share of idiots during the day, and because of this, I’ve perfected a “It appears that I’m listening to you, but in reality I’m naming all the NHL teams alphabetically to pass the time in my head” face. Now, I can end these incessant sessions (that never allow me to finish with Toronto - Vancouver – Washington), with a quick move to my holster and a point blank blast –

Of canned air.

On Thursday, I decided it was time to do a little tidying up at my desk. Filing had been long overdue; Post-its littered the landscape endlessly. There’s nothing more satisfying to coming in on a Monday morning to a clean, organized desk. (For Nordberg, this comes as no surprise.) In order to get a thorough cleaning, however, I needed to borrow some supplies from the office supply cabinet.

The Smith and Wesson of the cylindrically compressed air gun rack, Office Max Gas Duster is not just a weapon – it’s a work of art. The cold steel of the can pressed against your palm as you take aim at dust, dirt, and loose paper clips gives you the strength of ten men, and the cleanliness of ten women. The long red pressure-sensitive trigger begs to be fired, and the tiny black straw that protrudes forth from the muzzle is a sight to be seen.

(Or a substitute for a coffee stirrer. One of the two.)

It started innocently enough, as I blasted cold jets of air from the can into the crevices between the keys on my keyboard. As the ‘board was vacated by all foreign substances, I’d like to say that my job was done. That justice was served. That cleanliness is next to godliness. But then the power, well, it just took over.

Cans of air have so many uses. They can remove Post-It notes from the desk and into the trash can. They can launch paper clips into the hallway on the heels of lesser-liked coworkers. You can file paper into neat piles using the same principles of physic that govern the sport of air hockey. What about blowing the air can into the phone to convince a vendor that you can’t find their invoice in the middle of a hurricane? Or dusting crumbs off the front of your desk from that English muffin you wolfed.

Or you can get creative…

As our intern nervously told me his vacation plans for the summer, I sat before him with one hand resting calm on the desk on the other on the trigger of my air cannon. Turns out he’ll be taking off two non-consecutive hours in October to go to the beach.

Works like a charm.

All the President's Pens

“Bush readies veto pen for war bill”

This is the teaser link that CNN.com is providing for its story on how President Bush is preparing to shoot down a bill that would give him full funding of the two wars with an added proviso that there’s a schedule of troop withdrawals. There’s both supporters and opponents of what the President is about to do, but there’s really a bigger issue at hand – I seamlessly worked the word “proviso” into political commentary. God, that qualifies me to take any news desk job I want not currently held by this guy.

Yes, everybody who paid attention in 8th grade Social Studies knows that the executive branch has the ability to wipe out any legislation it wants via the magic power of the veto. What you didn’t know, and apparently CNN has now inadvertently leaked to the world, is that upon entering the Oval Office, the President-elect is handed a special veto pen with which to carry out this constitutional right.

While the YABNews team was unable to locate photographic evidence of the President’s Veto Pen, we’ve done some serious investigating as to its make-up, and the results are pretty damn cool. Our first question was what color the Veto Pen’s ink is. Our records are showing RED, as to display the President’s rage and displeasure with the 312-page bill he was just forced to read. (Note: reading appropriations bills are like taking your kids to the mall to spend their allowances – ultimately it’s your cash, but you have no control over what you get for said cash.) Of course, prior to about 1940 or so, the pen only wrote in black and white, according to the history books. In addition, the Veto Pen is HUGE – it’s approximately 30 inches long and you need both hands to sign stuff with it. This is why so many Presidents are known by some sort of initialed-moniker. The Veto Pen is very heavy – would you rather collapse under the weight of the utensil after scribing “Franklin Delano Roosevelt,” when FDR will quash the bill just as effectively?

Guess what? There’s more.

As it turns out, the West Wing doesn’t delve into all the details of the Presidency. The Executive Pen collection is a well-guarded secret. Behind a secret panel on the Oval Office wall is a compartment that contains the Veto Pen, and all the rest. It can only be accessed by current Heads-of-State, and by turning the head of the Calvin Coolidge bust that sits on the end table by the candy dish of Krackels and Mr. Goodbars. Do you want to know about the other pens? Of course you do. We’ll describe ‘em here, but only if you promise not to testify against us in our soon-to-be pending treason hearing. Ok? Thanks.

The Executive Pen Collection

• The Veto Pen – if you’ve forgotten what the Veto Pen looks like already, you probably also failed 8th grade Social Studies. Just a correlation we’re supposing.
• The Appointment Pen – The President, our Hiring Manager-in-Chief, is responsible for the specific selection of thousands of specific civil posts. When he signs the offer letters, he uses this pen. It’s very shiny and very big, yet writes in a dull grey ink. This is to symbolize the lavish attention you’ll be getting as U.S. Ambassador to China, with the sad monthly stipend the job actually pays.
• The Conference Call Pen – Sometimes, the President is stuck on the phone with the leaders of Canada and Mexico, who are bickering about NAFTA trade rights. The Mexicans want lumber for a cheap price, and the Canucks seem to turn Chihuahuas into sled dogs. The President doesn’t give a damn about their problems and needs to stay awake. He puts the call on “mute” and doodles with this pen. A gift from Bill Cosby.
• The William Pen – It’s red, white, and blue, everything it writes comes out liberty, and is used for official proclamations devising federal and state rights and regulations. A gift from the Keystone State.
• The Pardon Pen – Ok, we do know from the West Wing that the President has until the very last minute to grant executive pardons to those who he feels do not deserve incarceration. For those in the clink, this is a happy, happy day. That probably explains why the ink from this pen smells like birthday cake. Hooray!
• The Phnom Pen – makes swift, crisp pen strokes. Used to order attacks on insurgents that have been behaving badly. Extra ink is stored in a tiny pot called by most Presidents the “Pol.”

The Paper Trail

In a business meeting, everyone comes prepared…to kill time.

Most functions that require various business professionals to sit around a table of rectangular-ovular shape are run by one or two people. The other 6-8 people there have come to listen. And as in most cases, if only 15% of the material is applicable to their job, then they need a diversion. A diversion that will keep them from falling asleep and performing the awkward trying-to-prop-thy-head-on-your-raised-arm-so-that-you-can-cover-one-eye technique. This is where note-taking comes in.

With the exception of the guy who fiddles with his Blackberry all meeting long, all attendees usually bring two things to a standard business meeting – a writing utensil and something on which to use said utensil. We’ve covered the importance of selecting your scribing implement wisely in the past. But today we write to warn you of something you may not realize…

Your choice of paper says a lot about you.

Yes, this isn’t the third grade where the teacher hands out that weird sideways paper with the giant lines on it. We’re not here to practice cursive. We’re here to take notes at a meeting. And we trust you to be a professional. So what you choose to write on is completely up to you. We just wanted to let you know – we’re judging you because of it.

What does my paper say about me?

Single Sheet of Printer Paper – You really don’t intend on paying attention at all. In fact, it’s unlikely that whatever you write down actually makes it all the way back to your desk – there’s many a rogue wastebasket between here and there. The sheet was probably brought out of obligation – there’s really no way to cover your work – it’s not like you can write on it in your lap – and unless you turn the paper over, your sketch of the boss with horns and a tail will be visible by all. In essence, you’ve phoned it in, both the meeting and your ability to keep your real actions covert. Sarcastic Golf clap for you, sir.

Marble Composition Notebook – This guy’s the opposite. He values everything he takes out of this meeting, senseless scribbles and otherwise. After all, he’s chosen a notepad that requires you to keep everything you write. Have you ever tried to rip a sheet out of a marble book before? It’s like trying to do surgery at a construction site. No, Mr. Marble is a meticulous one, and he probably has a bookshelf in his office of every note and memo he’s written in his entire career. You may either be a little homicidal (like this guy was), or maybe you’re an engineer and love having the inside cover metric table at ready access.

Any paper that’s not white or pale yellow – you are a dork. You may think that a blue/green/rose pad expresses your personality, but in reality, it just reminds us that you should be sitting at the kids’ table.

Legal Pad – The only time I’ve really heard of lawyers using legal pads are in John Grisham books. I swear, anytime one of his lawyer characters needs to get a deposition or witness testimony, Grisham makes sure to point out that his young gun scrawled his way through a whole box of these extra long paper repositories. I feel like the lawyers today have laptops and PDAs and other cooler gadgets to write on – hell, it’s not like they don’t have the money for that kind of swag. So what has become of the legal pad? Oh, it’s still alive and well, and someone in your meeting has probably got one, too. The legal pad writer is there to get down to business, and to be noticed in the process. Your notes seem way more important when written on that yellow parchment. What’s more, the ultimate show-off move can only come courtesy of the legal pad. In a normal notebook, going to the next page requires a casual flip of the page. With a legal pad, it’s a freakin’ production. Lift up the pad. Take finished paper and flip it upwards. Tuck the page underneath the pad. Place pad back down. And watch in amazement as your colleagues are impressed that you filled that whole page with notes. Man, you’re special.

Spiral notebook – You’re versatile, and we like you. It’s not a pretentious choice, and probably cost-efficient for the company. However, it’s the most likely candidate for a time-killer. There are plenty of pages, plenty of space for mindless lists, drawings, and calculations to balance your checkbook. The margins may seem sacred, but you’ll defile them and flip the page faster than you can say, “Do those icons come in cornflower blue?”

Laptop – Damn, you could just let that game of Minesweeper go, could you?