The Year in Movies, 2005

One of my proudest recurring features, The Year in Movies, has twice occurred as the final post of each calendar year the blog has been around. As we had mentioned, I’m not a pro movie critic; therefore my job is not to see all the year’s movies for a living. However, as a cinema enthusiast, I feel qualified to impart my take on the year’s ten best. But in order to do such a thing, in the past I have given myself one extra year to see what I had missed, so that my Top Ten list isn’t just what I paid to see in the theatre and any early-year releases that fast tracked themselves to DVD release. When I reviewed the Best of 2004 in 12/05, I had seen 49 flicks. I thought that was a strong case for my list’s authority.

When 12/06 came around, I realized that I was not ready to post my Best of 2005 list. Sure, I had seen over 40 ’05 movies at that time, but some glaring omissions in watched list would negate the credibility my list had. The easiest way to disarm authority is to say, “Well, what about (Insert Movie here)?” and to have me respond, “Oh, I didn’t see that.” So with all due respect to Spud and The Chumscrubber, I now feel ready (with last night’s viewing of Hustle and Flow) to release The Year in Movies, 2005.

Yes, it’s May.

The other reason I was so hesitant to publish previously is that I was unsatisfied with what made up my Top Ten. The thing is with ’05, it was a year with a lot of good movies, just so few great ones. As I churned through some late winter Netflix rentals to displace the bottom end of the ten, few rose to the challenge. Before we get to the list, here’s some quick observations.

Worst Movie I Saw from 2005: The New World. With all due respect to Madagascar, The Game of their Lives, and The Wedding Date, Terrence Malick’s take on the story of John Smith and Pocahontas was a 150 minute movie where they introduced Smith’s main rival 100 minutes in. It was long, it was drawn out, and it was pointless. After watching this at the Tyson’s AMC, the four of us ran as fast as we possibly could for a strong drink. Like arsenic on the rocks.

Most Underrated Movie Not on My Ten: Serenity. A strong movie from the sci-fi genre, the dialogue alone makes me want to rent the entire Firefly series on which it was based. I’m a sucker for witty banter, and this movie delivered.

Most Overrated Movie: Brokeback Mountain. The thing is with Brokeback, it was universally declared the best movie of the year, (well by everyone but the Best Picture voters of AMPAS), and with such a universal accolade, I was expecting, well, the best movie of the year. While the love story was done well, this movie has a glaring flaw: the pacing. The movie takes place over 20 years in the lives of Ennis Del Mar and Jack Twist, yet it’s nearly impossible to figure out how far the story progresses with each passing scene. However, if it weren’t for the aging of the two leads’ children, you would have no idea we were fast forwarded by leaps of years. They did very little to make it clear that time was passing quickly, as Ledger’s appearance doesn’t change nearly at all, and Gyllenhaal grows a mustache, but it’s far from old and distinguished. This is a critical flaw for a movie that was predicted to be the best of the year.

Best Re-watchability: There are movies in any collection that you can put in anytime for background noise, for a release from reality, or just an excuse to wolf popcorn. This year’s winner, Mr. and Mrs. Smith, is an action-comedy that while thin on the resolution, has yet to disappoint.

The Year in Movies, 2005

1. Crash – And here’s the thing about Crash. It was a good-to-great movie that won Best Picture in a weak year. But as an art form, the storytelling and acting are phenomenal, the best I saw in 2005. It solidified Paul Haggis as an A-List screenwriter, reinvigorated the careers of Bullock, Newton, and Dillon, and introduced us to Michael Pena and Ludacris. It had a message, but wasn’t preachy about it. (Preachy: The Constant Gardener)

2. Kiss Kiss Bang Bang - Best script of the year. Runner-up in the re-watch category. Further proof that Val Kilmer is an under-rated character actor, and that Robert Downey Jr. could have been on the greats of his generation, if he didn't insist on being a golden god so often.

3. Munich - Other than a strange final scene choice for Spielberg, this would have been my favorite movie of the year. It's dark and depressing, but it found a way to ratchet up suspense, develop characters, and depict a historical even I had previously known little about. Now if Eric Bana could stay out of scripts involving Drew Barrymore, we'd all be a little happier.

4. King Kong - I was worried about this movie when I heard it was being re-made. Peter Jackson was due for a major letdown, and with Jack Black as the male lead, I was skeptical. But he also had Naomi Watts and Adrien Brody, so I looked forward to it. As the big monkey rampages through the final act in old New York City, I realize that this is Hollywood movie making. It was the perfect storm of everything big budget, and I loved it.

5. Good Night, and Good Luck - Meanwhile on the other end of the film spectrum was this black and white take on Edward R. Murrow vs. Senator McCarthy. David Straithairn finally delivered a performance that removed him from the "That Guy in That Movie" Hall of Fame. Don't get me wrong; he does a great job as the brother in The Firm, the commisioner of A League of their Own, and Pierce Padgett in L.A. Confidential, but this will be his career moment. Slickest movie of '05.

6. Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and The Wardrobe - An astute re-telling of the C.S. Lewis book, it blended fantasy, solid child actors, and a sweeping score to do justice to such a literary classic. It proved that a movie company needs to work hard to interpret a good book if they want it to succeed, as opposed to Eragon.

7. Cinderella Man - Every year, it seems, there are 6 big movies that could warrant Best Picture nominees, and one will be inevitably left out. Ron Howard's Depression-era boxing match hit the canvas as smaller movies like Capote snuck in. Make no mistake - this movie overcomes Renee Zellweger to make my list. And that's saying something.

8. March of the Penguins - Let me take this directly from my Film Critic review:Wow - I didn't know I can smile for 83 consecutive minutes. I loved this.

9. Walk the Line - The inevitable comparison for this movie will be the previous year's musical biopic, Ray. These movies are identical in structure, and the acting of Joaquin Phoenix and Jamie Foxx are a dead heat. But what makes Walk the Line a good movie is its pacing, and the inclusion of his early tourmates.

10. Sin City - I didn't like everything about this movie. The Bruce Willis storyline is weak, and I prefer a full story as opposed to three vignettes. However, the technical achievements in the visuals of this movie propel it past any other flaws it may have. Most revolutionary effects since The Matrix.

Honorable Mentions: Millions, Batman Begins

Locker Room of Brotherly Love '07

By this time Monday, we will have added 6 new athletes to a storied brotherhood that includes Mike Schmidt, Bobby Clarke, Reggie White, and Julius Erving. Not everyone has the thick skin to play in Philadelphia (Mr. Drew, we’re looking in your general direction. Wusspants.), but for those who do, we greet you with blind faith and love from the Delaware Valley Blind, championship-starved faith.

And hey, who doesn’t like a recurring feature?

Every Friday before the NFL Draft, we will annually publish the TOP TEN PHILLY ATHLETES. This is not a list to mark one’s potential or their past, nor will it show favoritism to any one team. To make the list, you need to 1) be good at what you do for a living (damn good, actually) and 2) play for one of the four major pro teams in Philadelphia at the time of posting.

(For the members of the Philadelphia Soul, KiXX, Wings, Phantoms, and Barrage, we’re sorry. Oh, and while your reading this, you’ve accumulated quite the angry queue of customers waiting for their copies. Kinkos – proud sponsor of athletes who need to pay the rent.)

I figure by publishing this list (much like my Oscar predictions), we’ll have a public record to see how Philly’s best rise and fall, appear and disappear over the years. Some will fade due to trades and retirement (Forsberg?), while others just have turned up the suck in the last year (paging a Mr. Gordon. A Mr. Thomas Gordon…)

Locker Room of Brotherly Love, 2007

1. BRYAN WESTBROOK - #36 - RB - EAGLES -- Credentials: The keystone of a resurgent '06 Eagles offense, rushing for 1,217 yards, making 77 catches for 699 receiving yards, and 11 touchdowns. Made many, many fantasy owners very happy. Fact I Didn't Make Up: He owns a vacation home in Ocean City, New Jersey. Fact I May Have Made Up: While in Ocean City, he challenges small children in Mini-Golf. Small children are no match for Brian Westbrook, whose career it is to find the holes.

2. RYAN HOWARD - #6 - 1B - PHILLIES -- Credentials: 2005 Rookie of the Year. 2006 NL MVP. His 58 home runs in 2006, earning Player of the Month honors during the Phillies' charge towards the playoffs in August and September. Fact I Didn't Make Up: Shares a name with a character on NBC's "The Office." Fact I May Have Made Up: Michael Scott is a better manager than Charlie Manuel

3. SHAWN ANDREWS - #73 - RG - EAGLES -- Credentials: Was a starting guard in the Pro Bowl for the NFC. The fist 1st round draft pick to live up to his billing since Lito Sheppard in 2002. "The Big Kid," as his team knows him, got hurt against the Saints in the playoffs, and his replacement was guilty of the soul-crushing false start on the final drive. Fact I Didn't Make Up: Andrews was born on Christmas Day, 1982. Fact I May Have Made Up: At 340 lbs., he often spends his birthday challenging Santa to an cookie eating contest.

4. CHASE UTLEY - #26 - 2B - PHILLIES - Hardest working player in Philly sports. Normally that's a term you give someone who tries hard but isn't very good (I was featured in a BCTimes article with that praise from my track coach), but Utley backs it up. Batted .309 in 2006 and was an All-Star. The ladies find him dreamier than Pay Burrell. Fact I Didn't Make Up: Uses Zeppelin's "Kasmir" as his coming-to-the-plate music. Fact I May Have Made up: That's only because the stadium DJ didn't have Journey.

5. DONOVAN MCNABB - #5 - QB - EAGLES -- Credentials: Despite a season-ending injury in October, McNabb is still the leader of this team. Dropping to 5th is a result of this off-year. But hey, he still eats his Chunky Soup. Fact I Didn't Make Up: Attended Syarcuse University, where his go-to target was WR Marvin Harrison. Fact I May Have Made Up: He's 100 per cent Irish.

6. SIMON GAGNE #12 - LW/C - FLYERS -- Credentials: Has over 200 career goals in 5 seasons, eclipsed the 40 goal mark in the second-to-last game of the season. Voted MVP of the Flyers, earning the Bobby Clarke Trophy for the second straight year. Fact I Didn't Make Up: I own a Gagne #12 jersey. Fact I May Have Made Up: Is terrified of spiders and shrieks like a little girl when he sees one.

7. JIMMY ROLLINS - #11 - SS - PHILLIES -- Credentials: Three-time MLB all-star, has the longest hitting streak in Phils' history (38 games), and currently is 2nd in the league in home runs. Fact I Didn't Make Up: Rollins originally wore #6, but that switched to #11 to allow rookie Ryan Howard to wear #6. Fact I May Have Made Up: It's because Howard threatened to eat him.

8. ANDRE IGUODALA - #9 - G/F - 76ERS -- Credentials: Led team in '06-'07 with 18.4 ppg, led team once Allen Iverson was traded to Denver. Highly-athletic and talented player, looks to be cornerstone of next Sixers' team. Also averages 6 rebounds and assists per game. Fact I Didn't Make Up: Chris Webber bought him a Rolex so that he would switch from #4 to #9 upon Webber's arrival. Fact I May Have Made Up: Has an extreme longing for cake.

9. MIKE KNUBLE - #22 - RW - FLYERS -- Credentials: On the worst team in Flyers' history, one of two players to maintain a positive plus/minus rating. Scored 54 points on the season in 64 games, including 30 assists. Fact I Didn't Make Up: Competed for Team USA in the Torino Olympics. Fact I May Have Made Up: In ice dancing.

10. BRIAN DAWKINS - #20 - FS - EAGLES -- Credentials: Dawk is the emotional leader of this team, and earned a Pro Bowl invite this past year for his locker room presence and his big play ability. Said pbig plays include a Week 15 INT of Eli Manning, a Week 16 INT of Tony Romo, and a 4th and Goal sack of Jason Campbell - a game in which I was in attendance. Fact I Didn't Make Up: Dawkins is a huge fan of the Wolverine comics, often assuming the nickname "Weapon X." Fact I May Have Made Up: His facemask is made of adamantium.

Time to Take the Donuts

Ready for a quiz? No? That’s okay, you never were in high school and look how successful you’ve become. (Moral of the story: Quizzes are a waste of time. Or in this case, an enjoyable time waster. Let’s proceed.)

The following list is a list of a typical set of 12 donuts that might be found in a box from Dunkin’ Donuts. I’m not saying that any two boxes are the same; however, I would venture a guess that if you asked the cashier to throw one together for you, it would look a lot like this:

Boston Crème-filled, Chocolate icing
Chocolate Cake Donut
Cruller
Glazed Donut, Chocolate icing (hole in middle)
Glazed Donut, Pink icing with Sprinkles
Jelly-filled, Powdered White
Plain Donut
Specialty Order Donut
Standard Glazed Donut #1
Standard Glazed Donut #2
White Crème-filled, Powdered White
Wheat Glazed Donut

Take this list and order them from 1 to 12. The criteria? The order in which these donuts will disappear from the box. We want to see what your opinion is on Donut Vanishing Theory, and then once we have it, we’ll proceed to prove how naïve it is. The actual answers are provided below.

(in order of disappearance)

1. Specialty Order Donut – Look, Dunkin Donuts make good Donuts, but they aren’t the type of gourmet, world-class donut you crave. Instead, they are the convenient road-side donut depot that a generous colleague of yours passes every day on the way to work. If he’s going to go out and be the Office Hero, he’s going to want more than a pat on the back and the good graces of the crazy secretary. He’s going to want his favorite donut, too. So when he gets to work, he’ll put the box down in the kitchen, send out an e-mail notifying all of his good deed, and chomp down on the one donut he ordered – just the way he likes it.
2. Standard Glazed Donut #1 – The next guy to the box got there in so much of a hurry that he probably spends his entire day that way. Always on the go, never stopping at the water cooler to chat up last night’s episode of Lost. He’s Nordberg (assuming Nordberg isn’t phoning it in that day.) He needs a simple, classic choice, to go with his plain, black coffee while he reads his Blackberry. (If this was a mock draft, though, I’d say he reached picking Glazed at #2. Why?)
3. Boston Crème-filled, Chocolate icing – This is why. The jewel of the draft dropped down to Number 3, where you’ve got that worker who was so exciting to get the donut e-mail that they also rushed down to the box to make the primo pick. Guy #2 is more concerned about efficiency, while this person wants a tasty treat to help get through the first hour of the day. It’ll be a grueling one, but it’s okay now. They just took home the Michael Jordan of the donut box.
4. Glazed Donut, Chocolate Icing – Another solid pick. And with less guilt and calories than number 3.
5. White Crème-filled, Powdered White – Ooh, this could totally backfire, but whoever grabbed it should be satisfied with their selection. The real reason we like donuts? The crème filling. It just tastes great. However, there’s very few avenues that one can take to have this delicious crème. Unless you go the “Bowl of Pudding” route, there are few ways one can get this stuff. Donuts are a great crème vehicle; let’s just hope that you’re careful enough that your blue shirt isn’t sprinkled like a snowstorm by the end.
6. Standard Glazed Donut #2 – Similar reasoning as number 2, but this guy was SO busy he didn’t get here right out of the gate. He’s lucky for his choice to still be around.
7. Chocolate Cake Donut – No one quite knows what to make of Chocolate Cake Donut. It appears to be a plain, boring donut, with the exception that it has that dark, fudgesque hue. Looking at the rest of the box, it’s a best option pick. Of course, milk may be a better compliment over coffee here.
8. Glazed Donut, Pink Icing with Sprinkles – There’s nothing like trying to call someone in your office to tell them the bad news about the 3rd Quarter earnings wit a sad, solemn, straight face. At a pause in the conversation, you take a bite of your donut. If you were the 8th to the box, your edible circus in a circle might ruin the tone of the meeting, no?
9. Plain Donut – Wow, safe pick thre, Captain Risk Taker. Let me guess, there’s no ice in your water glass for fear of cutting the inside of your mouth . Am I right? Bo-ring.
10. Wheat Glazed Donut – the donut that’s technicall 4% better for you than the rest has fallen into the latter half of the morning untouched. There’s two reasons for this. First, there’s been WAY better options on the board, so why would someone go for something that tastes slightly less than satisfactory. Secondly, the guy on the diet has spent the last two hours in agony deciding whether to partake on the free snacks, and he’s finally rationalized that since the dough is wheat, it’s going to be just fine.
11. Cruller – If turned up on their ends, donuts are supposed to look like inner tubes. Not the tire of a monster truck. Let’s move on.
12. Jelly-Donut, Powdered White – Somewhere there’s a guy who likes jelly donuts; otherwise Dunkin Donuts just wouldn’t make ‘em. Unfortunately, the odds are slim that he works in your office. As with the Crème-filled, white powdered sugar is an invitation for a ruined blazer, and honestly, who’s going to take the donut that two other people have probably already poked holes in, in hopes that there’s crème inside? Not me, sir. Not me.
    

Give yourself one point for every correctly-slotted donut. How’d you do?

Against the Spread

This morning I watched another employee struggle mightily to prepare his on-the-go breakfast. His intent was simple enough; his plan consisted of going to the cafeteria, buying a bagel, affixing his spread of choice to said bagel, paying, and eating. End of transaction.

As I waited patiently behind him (close enough to make sure he knew I was there but not close enough to be categorized as “looming,”), I watched as he became unhinged when it came time to select his bagel topping of choice. And then when he realized that the marmalade he was putting on his bagel was actually honey, he looked at me, with complete regret, and said, “You know, I thought this was marmalade.” Not being a marmalade connoisseur and having no capacity to reverse his tragic error, I did the only thing I could think of –

I shrugged. And then I composed this list so that you don’t make the same mistake.

Top 10 Bagel Toppers (delivered Letterman fashion)

10. HONEY – Even though I spent much of my formidable childhood watching a bear with no pants and no self-confidence get his head stuck in a pot of this stuff, I’ve never quite figured out the allure of honey. From the way it looks in the Winnie the Pooh cartoons, it looks like it should taste way better than it does. You know what? Honey should taste like butterscotch. That’s what it looks like in the cartoon. I would eat butterscotch on a bagel – that would be great. It would eliminate honey as a condiment, and it could even usurp the name “honey.” That way, grown men don’t have to utter ridiculous sounding words like butterscotch. Ok, I’m done now.

9. MARMALADE – Look, I think this stuff, on a bagel or not, is even grosser that honey. But you should have seen the dejection in that guy’s eyes this morning. So I’m going to give marmalade the 9 slot in hopes that this guy who I’ve never seen before in my life and don’t even know the name of is a loyal reader of YAB and this will brighten his day. (I kid you not; he looked like someone just kicked his puppy.)

8. JELLY – Yeah, it’s got to be a bit of a disappointment to see jelly / jam / preserves / whatever fall so far down this list. But I just think about all those times I’ve been to diners and have seen that little jelly holder in the middle of the table go completely untouched when people are trying to improve their bagel. And don’t tell me that the service at the diner fills it back up every time new customers come in. Diner service isn’t that helpful. Or health code regulated.

7. BUTTER – Yeah, another top seed falls early here. It’s not that we think butter is an inferior condiment by any means. It’s just that bagels are not Butter’s wheelhouse. Toast and English Muffins – this is where Butter just schools the rest of them. But when the amount of volume of bread in the breakfast item increases, Butter just doesn’t keep up. There are melting issues, and there are no nooks, nor are there crannies to inspire Butter to bring it’s a-Game.

6. LOX – You want to look grown-up in a fancy breakfast business meeting? Ask for lox for your bagel. Nothing like cold fish in the morning make a healthy breakfast. Is that fish your impressed boss smells? Nay. It’s respect.

5. VEGGIE SPREAD – Widely considered to be part of the cream cheese family, we feel that the veggie spread gets the due it so rightly deserves here at Number 5. You feel like your doing your body good by opting for an item that has the same caloric intake as regular cream cheese, but since there are miniscule specks of generic vegetables known as “green” and “red” in there, it’s like being on a diet. Ah, the mind games of breakfast – much like how McGriddles are good for you because it combines all the foods your were planning to order and reduces the quantity of food you eat, right? (Ed. Note – McGriddles are the worst culinary invention since Gogurt.)

4. NUTELLA – During my freshman year of college, roommate David Reif kept a jar of this stuff in his closet. A combination of chocolate, hazelnut, and Italian swarthiness, it appears that someone in Europe manages to convince their parents it was cool to have chocolate for breakfast. I didn’t really understand until I had it myself for many a meal on my European trip. But I still don’t understand why Dave kept it in his closet with a 7-month old hockey puck of a bagel, his brother Peter, and a 6 pack of crappy warm beer he found on the way home from the delis one night.

3. PEANUT BUTTER – Peanut butter is essentially the Peyton Manning of bagel toppings. In so many lists and rankings, one can expect PB to show up near the top, being flawless in craving-satisfaction as well as textural enjoyment. But somehow, peanut butter never makes anyone’s Desert Island List of Must-Have Foods. Why is this? I’ll tell you why. It’s out of protest. Personally, I enjoy reduced-fat peanut butter, for bagels and otherwise. I like it a lot – enough to make it Number 3. And yet, the Man only sells reduced-fat peanut butter in the tiny jars in your local supermarket. What the? This is why you’re never in the title game, Peyton Butter.

2. CREAM CHEESE – Except for the darkhorse candidate about to follow, this is the choice that destroys all the rest. Cream cheese is a light, tasty, enjoyable spread that will not melt, run, or do whatever the heck jelly does to get on your pants. Plus, I’ve got a bit of a hometown bias. From Kraft’s website: The name "Philadelphia Brand cream cheese" was adopted by Reynolds for the product because at that time, top-quality food products often originated in or were associated with the city, and were often referred to as being "Philadelphia quality." Heck yeah!

1. PIZZA – I’d like to quote the following poem in order to justify our top slot.

Pizza in the morning.
Pizza in the evening.
Pizza at suppertime.
When pizza’s on a bagel,
You can eat pizza.
Anytime.