Decision Points and the Un-Cola

Last night, the nightcap of my Wednesday class doubleheader was called early. Was it rain, you may ask? Nay. New Venture Initiation is held indoors in a brand new building, and canceling the session on account of internal precipitation would force students to question the advent of the apocalypse, much less the integrity of the architectural design. No, class at 8:10 PM ended no later than 8:27 PM when our professor’s scheduled guest speaker was a no show.

An entire period’s agenda: WIPED OUT.

From the view of the professor, this could erupt into a complete calamity without a swift course of action. Due to an outside problem (the guest speaker was sitting in her stalled Buick on I-395), this leader of students now has to come up with a contingency plan and fast. The guest speaker in a graduate school setting is like the professor phoning it in. Let someone else instruct the great minds of tomorrow while you sit in the back row with your legs up on the desk and daydreaming that you could be watching the new episode of Lost instead of “working hard for the money.”

From the view of the student, this is also a crossroads. Learning is a priority, sure, otherwise you would not have enrolled in grad school. But the possibility of having school canceled because the aforementioned prof was caught off-guard is just as an attractive an option. Did I mention rain earlier? Hell, this would be a regular snow day. And in a week preparing for Oscar Party III, I wouldn’t mind in the least if we were dismissed 93 minutes early.

This is a possibility because we all have free will to come and go as we please. When class is over, the school day is over. The professor knows that his decision to teach or to cancel will directly determine how much school is left on this cold, windy Wednesday. This is why I nearly jumped out of my seat when he threw his hands up in helplessness and announced:

Class is over.

But what if this had been elementary school? I’m not saying that elementary school teachers brought in guest speakers or phoned it in, but rather I am pointing out the different circumstances. Imagine if Mrs. Hammer in 5th grade just dismissed us at 11am? 18 kids would meander their way home with little sense of direction or actual chance of making it before their little legs tired out. That’s why they had contingency plans: in-class games.

There is one game that sticks out in my mind as being a classroom activity that definitely beat playing in traffic trying to find my house. Here’s a memory-lane recap. (And a secret hope that my professor is reading and will schedule it for next week.)

7-UP – This was the kid brother of Mafia. 7 kids go up to the front of the class. Everyone else puts their head down on the desk, with their thumb in the air. The Secret 7 then walk around the room and press down one thumb each, with as much stealth and secrecy as a 10 year-old can muster, and then return to the front of the room. When everyone’s back up front, everyone else wakes up and tried to guess who (if anyone) gave their thumb a smackdown. Guess right? You go up front. Guess wrong? Stay where you are, and give whoever you guessed paranoia about why you think they picked you.

This game freakin’ ruled.

You know what? Forget Oscar Party III. We’re just playing a 7-Up marathon. Good night, and good luck. Heads down. Thumbs up.

Screw you, Ruby!

Because this Tuesday belongs to IHOP.

Tomorrow morning, the world will wake up to Ash Wednesday, which signifies the beginning of the Lenten season on the Christian calendar. As the clock strikes midnight tonight, many around the globe will participate in various forms of fasting, withholding, and penance, meaning many of the luxuries they are accustomed to will not be seen again until after Easter. YAB has thought long and hard about what it will give up as a hard-hitting divertainment webpage. And since we are weak-willed, we have finally settled on the following:

During Lent, YAB will not use the tilde (~) key on the keyboard. Phew. That’s a sacrifice for the ages.

But it is not yet Ash Wednesday, so we will also recognize today’s significance: it’s Fat Tuesday! (Even so, we will withhold a tilde explosion for syntax-sake.)

Yet, let’s dig a little deeper into the customs of Fat Tuesday. Of course, it signifies the end to Mardi Gras, Carnival, and the NHL’s Olympic work stoppage. Many of the vices and comforts that will be locked away come Lent enjoy a final 24 hours of gluttony on this day. In the olden days, (let’s say 15th century for all you historiphiles), milk and eggs were two items were given up for Lent.

(Secretly, cows and chickens LOVE Lent. It’s like their annual vacation.)

But as tradition would have it in many European countries, all of the milk and eggs would have to be used up on this Tuesday, since it would no doubt not last the entire 40+ days (Spam would have been another story.) So on the day before Ash Wednesday, the best way to blow through all of your remaining stock would be to make a dish that would require both in great quantities.

Pancakes.

As it is known in many countries, today is also Pancake Tuesday. And pancake market leader IHOP isn’t sleeping on the built-in marketing opportunity. If you go to your local International House, you can get a free short stack of ‘cakes on this day only. It is a well-know fact that IHOP as a chain gives up “cleaning the sticky syrup containers” for Lent, so you better get there fast.

IHOP as an establishment has always been a source of high comedy, and we’re not quite sure why. Sure, there was our story about how a bunch of older people hightailed it to the Manassas franchise back in June. But just think of the diplomacy involved with such an establishment. The United Nations has spent over 50 years trying to get everybody on the same page, but Security Council abstentions often divide and shatter the tenuous agreements of cooperation. There is no such strife at IHOP. Belgian waffles are totally cool with being on a serving tray with Swedish pancakes and French toast. And while we have no idea where the hell Rooty-Tooty-Fresh-and-Fruity hails from, we’re proud that more food fights haven’t broken out over boundaries, borders, or butter knives.

So on this Shrove/Fat/Pancake Tuesday, we here at YAB take off our collective caps and salute the banner of the international diplomacy organization that has created breakfast table peace and observes the sacred traditions of the Lenten season.

IHOP, we who are about to eat, salute you!

Four Hundred.

Blog Rule #13: A recurring bit only remains a recurring bit if you allow the bit to be recurring.

Every 100 posts, we toss in this quiz of the prior century. Each time, the wiseguys in the YAB Marketing Department promise those who complete the quite all the luxuries in life: fame, glory, legend, free t-shirts. Now the YAB T-Shirt Mill still remains on the shelf due to a lack of starter capital. The money we’ve got; it’s the cost of time we have yet to be able to afford. So as the order list increases with each new winner, our IOU’s grow longer. But the next hundred (The March to 500!) will see the end of GRAD SCHOOL and the return of a life more ordinary. (Oh, and for historical bookkeeping sake, we’re a massive 16 off the pace. Not good at all.)

You have until the actual March 3rd to email your answers to condon@gwu.edu.

1. What two letters did YAB manage to avoid using when writing a mid-season post on the Philadelphia Eagles? (1)
2. In BCE Chapter 8, who was hired on to be YAB’s legal representation? (1)
3. What was Condon’s percentage correct with this year’s Cond-nominations? (1)
4. Where does Chris keep his alarm clock in moments of temporary insanity? (1)
5. What is my name as per the Holy Sacrament of Truncation? (1)
6. Who are the only two current cast members of SNL that made YAB’s Top Ten of All-Time? (2)
7. Name three different statements I made in honor of New Year’s (hint: a resolution is not one of them) (2)
8. What two people did Nordberg “mistake” to be brothers of Warren Buffett in his Omaha-cast interview? (2)
9. What word caused YAB great surprise (since Condon has never used it before) while also striking fear into the heart of Mr. Philbin? (2)
10. Name two of the starting 5 on YAB’s Fantasy Knives team. (2)
11. What 3 foreign languages were employed in our “Lost in Translation” story of a Liz Grimm dinner party with dead folks? (3)
12. What’s the REAL reason Senators push for filibustering? (3)
13. What two items did I take with me when exiting the building during a freshmen year fire drill? (3)
14. What is the name of the group of people who wait until midnight to start long road trips to avoid traffic? (3)
15. What caused the DONUT STAMPEDE? (3)
16. What was the nickname given to the fool who threw his friend’s shoe out of the Metro doors on the way to a U2 concert (while Condon went to class)? (4)
17. What childhood figure is actually America’s secretive method of training young America to vote? (4)
18. How much must a starter salad cost to know if you are eating a fancy lunch? (4)
19. What was the name of the attacker who I thought Tim Fischer attacked on a track bus back in high school, only to later find out it was me who attacked him? (4)
20. Where was the Colonial Williamsburg cooper re-enactor actually from? (4)

I'm Feeling Very Olympic Today, 2006

The YABNews team has very few correspondents on hand. While reputable news programs like CBS Evening News and the Daily Show seem to have resident experts on any topic at their complete beck and call. We have no such budget, and therefore no such laundry list of contacts. But as exhibited when YAB and YABNews were just 19 posts young, it turns out that on our speed dial we’ve still got our correspondent for all things Olympic. So without further ado, once again YAB is proud to present our guest blogger live for Torino: YODA.

Because Yoda hates column-style, he returns with an ’06 Games round of quick-hitters.

• Upon us are the Winter Olympics they are. What with them do they bring, hmm? Adventure? Heh. Excitement? Heh. A Jedi craves not these things. Condon is reckless. But only 3 feet tall am I. The remote on the kitchen counter he keeps. Cannot reach and forced to watch I am. Hmm. Yes.
• Remember when I was in Olympics I do. Hoth in 1980. Was very cold, but wore Wookie fur at the Opening Ceremonies I did. Not flattering on a Jedi, Wookie fur. But more fashionable than weird mascots I find. Look like the offspring of a Rancor and a stormtrooper.
• Bode Miller has much to lean in the ways of Medaling. Powerful he has become, yet the dark side I sense in him. Once he starts down the dark path, forever it will dominate his destiny, consume him it will. Disqualifications, turned ankles, slow result times, Bode has much to learn. The dark side has compelled him, made its mark it has. A Bodeist, Yoda is not. But there is another.
• Bode has not a sister, but a teammate. Julia Mancuso shows great promise in the Force. Won the Giant Slalom she has. But make her a Princess, does that? No matter, Yoda has vision of Julia with a tiara. Silly-looking she is. Like the time I accidentally dropped an X-Wing on Master Luke’s foot. Laughed for many hours we did. *Nordberg does a masterful impression of my laugh. Ask him you must.*
• Pete Fenson is Yoda’s new hero. Curling is a game that can be played at any age, even 900 as I am. A bronze medal the Americans have earned. Now they must spread knowledge they have to the young Padawans, the women. Much potential have they. Hope one can they will be come wise in the Force, use it for good and for awesome. (Channeled Strong Bad, Yoda just did.)
• American hockey not a disappointment, contrary to many in the galaxy’s beliefs. Not expected to medal they were not. Transition year it has been. Young prospects they are hopeful for, as Jabba the Hutt shall play goal in 2010. Bigger shock it is to Canada to be gone as of now. Lost to Switzerland they did in the round robin. Major upset the Maple Leafs have fallen to. Unmatched since rebel force destroyed an empire.
• In closing, Yoda has been very happy with the Olympics. Always watching I am, as Dagobah now gets NBC in HD. Have to sign off, as bobsled is today. Rooting for the Jawas I will be, who have hollowed out R2-D2 as a sled.

Note: Outside the Trilogy, Yoda ‘s favorite flick is Cool Runnings. We here at YABNews hoped you enjoyed our guest blogger. He meant you no harm.

Jersey, Here I Come

At work, our team is largely responsible for managing the finances of various corporate facilities up and down the east coast. Most of the buildings aren’t very sexy or interesting – several are of that 1-level sprawling office building that belongs in a industrial business park. For most of us most of the time, what parts of the portfolio we individually analyze is not a big deal. Since site visits are extremely rare, an assignment of Reston, Virginia is just as good as Orlando, Florida. (You just hope that the latter has more mice than the former.)

But with a new fiscal year upon us, Corporate Real Estate has taken on some more locations. And sure enough, the finances of said sites have fallen to those brave souls in McLean, VA. Us. So in some twisted form of Christmas, the gifts of new locales were distributed around the team. With eager anticipation, I unwrapped my new facility gift and to much surprise, I actually was excited to see what lay within.

State: New Jersey

Ok, so that’s a good sign. A Garden Stater taking care of one of its own. I like the sound of that. But I know better than to be blindly optimistic. There’s a lot of places in NJ that I’d rather not think about (pretty much anything above Trenton). And I don’t want a repeat of thinking when I was handed the Vienna property, I would pack my bags for Austria. So I guess I should just read the town’s name already, eh?

Town: Red Bank

Red Bank, New Jersey is famous for one and one thing only – being the center of the ViewAskewniverse. Director Kevin Smith has centered 5 of his 6 movies in this small South Jersey town, and created a laundry list of characters so unique and quotable that he was able to turn Clerks into a sequel-worthy flick. Well, guess what Mr. Svennig, you’ve got a new neighbor: Me.

Now the field of facility management is not a glory road by any means. But then again, most of the characters from Smith’s movies don’t really appear to be headed for lifestyles of the rich and/or famous anytime soon. For the most part, these slackers have spent their days milling at convenience stores, trolling the local mall, “tracing” comic books, playing roller hockey on the roof, and even finding time to stop demented angels bent on a holy crusade. But these lots in life have been worth something: comedy. And it is with comedy in mind that I’ve decided to make some personnel recommendations to the higher ups in my company on how to staff our new Red Bank facility operation.

Facility Manager: Brodie Bruce – By far the best choice, Mr. Bruce knew the mall like it was his own bedroom. He lived, ate, drank, and breathed that place. I’d expect him to gain the same affinity for this new work location. And good news, Brodie. Our facility doesn’t have any escalators.
Building Engineer: You need someone handy here, since a building is only as sound as the person maintaining it here. While not a Red Bank local, God has been known to frequent Red Bank (as captured in Dogma) and can restore complete disaster with the best of them.
Receptionist: Silent Bob – Most receptionists annoy me because they are either 1) overly chatty, 2) are on the phone on some personal call while you wait patiently at the desk, or 3) make small talk when you’re just out front to wait for a colleague to come through the door. Not a problem with Silent Bob. Hell, he can even buzz you in with a Jedi mind trick.
Security: Who else but the Mallrat security guard, LeFours. Intimidating as hell in that rice cake hat, and I even heard he’s got 3 kills.

Dear God – if you want to not accept this very attractive offer as building engineer, this lowly human totally understand. I can force someone else (Jay?) to do it. I just figured you had prior experience (the Great Flood, the Plagues, that building in Bruce Almighty…)