Time to Take the Donuts

Ready for a quiz? No? That’s okay, you never were in high school and look how successful you’ve become. (Moral of the story: Quizzes are a waste of time. Or in this case, an enjoyable time waster. Let’s proceed.)

The following list is a list of a typical set of 12 donuts that might be found in a box from Dunkin’ Donuts. I’m not saying that any two boxes are the same; however, I would venture a guess that if you asked the cashier to throw one together for you, it would look a lot like this:

Boston Crème-filled, Chocolate icing
Chocolate Cake Donut
Cruller
Glazed Donut, Chocolate icing (hole in middle)
Glazed Donut, Pink icing with Sprinkles
Jelly-filled, Powdered White
Plain Donut
Specialty Order Donut
Standard Glazed Donut #1
Standard Glazed Donut #2
White Crème-filled, Powdered White
Wheat Glazed Donut

Take this list and order them from 1 to 12. The criteria? The order in which these donuts will disappear from the box. We want to see what your opinion is on Donut Vanishing Theory, and then once we have it, we’ll proceed to prove how naïve it is. The actual answers are provided below.

(in order of disappearance)

1. Specialty Order Donut – Look, Dunkin Donuts make good Donuts, but they aren’t the type of gourmet, world-class donut you crave. Instead, they are the convenient road-side donut depot that a generous colleague of yours passes every day on the way to work. If he’s going to go out and be the Office Hero, he’s going to want more than a pat on the back and the good graces of the crazy secretary. He’s going to want his favorite donut, too. So when he gets to work, he’ll put the box down in the kitchen, send out an e-mail notifying all of his good deed, and chomp down on the one donut he ordered – just the way he likes it.
2. Standard Glazed Donut #1 – The next guy to the box got there in so much of a hurry that he probably spends his entire day that way. Always on the go, never stopping at the water cooler to chat up last night’s episode of Lost. He’s Nordberg (assuming Nordberg isn’t phoning it in that day.) He needs a simple, classic choice, to go with his plain, black coffee while he reads his Blackberry. (If this was a mock draft, though, I’d say he reached picking Glazed at #2. Why?)
3. Boston Crème-filled, Chocolate icing – This is why. The jewel of the draft dropped down to Number 3, where you’ve got that worker who was so exciting to get the donut e-mail that they also rushed down to the box to make the primo pick. Guy #2 is more concerned about efficiency, while this person wants a tasty treat to help get through the first hour of the day. It’ll be a grueling one, but it’s okay now. They just took home the Michael Jordan of the donut box.
4. Glazed Donut, Chocolate Icing – Another solid pick. And with less guilt and calories than number 3.
5. White Crème-filled, Powdered White – Ooh, this could totally backfire, but whoever grabbed it should be satisfied with their selection. The real reason we like donuts? The crème filling. It just tastes great. However, there’s very few avenues that one can take to have this delicious crème. Unless you go the “Bowl of Pudding” route, there are few ways one can get this stuff. Donuts are a great crème vehicle; let’s just hope that you’re careful enough that your blue shirt isn’t sprinkled like a snowstorm by the end.
6. Standard Glazed Donut #2 – Similar reasoning as number 2, but this guy was SO busy he didn’t get here right out of the gate. He’s lucky for his choice to still be around.
7. Chocolate Cake Donut – No one quite knows what to make of Chocolate Cake Donut. It appears to be a plain, boring donut, with the exception that it has that dark, fudgesque hue. Looking at the rest of the box, it’s a best option pick. Of course, milk may be a better compliment over coffee here.
8. Glazed Donut, Pink Icing with Sprinkles – There’s nothing like trying to call someone in your office to tell them the bad news about the 3rd Quarter earnings wit a sad, solemn, straight face. At a pause in the conversation, you take a bite of your donut. If you were the 8th to the box, your edible circus in a circle might ruin the tone of the meeting, no?
9. Plain Donut – Wow, safe pick thre, Captain Risk Taker. Let me guess, there’s no ice in your water glass for fear of cutting the inside of your mouth . Am I right? Bo-ring.
10. Wheat Glazed Donut – the donut that’s technicall 4% better for you than the rest has fallen into the latter half of the morning untouched. There’s two reasons for this. First, there’s been WAY better options on the board, so why would someone go for something that tastes slightly less than satisfactory. Secondly, the guy on the diet has spent the last two hours in agony deciding whether to partake on the free snacks, and he’s finally rationalized that since the dough is wheat, it’s going to be just fine.
11. Cruller – If turned up on their ends, donuts are supposed to look like inner tubes. Not the tire of a monster truck. Let’s move on.
12. Jelly-Donut, Powdered White – Somewhere there’s a guy who likes jelly donuts; otherwise Dunkin Donuts just wouldn’t make ‘em. Unfortunately, the odds are slim that he works in your office. As with the Crème-filled, white powdered sugar is an invitation for a ruined blazer, and honestly, who’s going to take the donut that two other people have probably already poked holes in, in hopes that there’s crème inside? Not me, sir. Not me.
    

Give yourself one point for every correctly-slotted donut. How’d you do?