All the President's Pens

“Bush readies veto pen for war bill”

This is the teaser link that CNN.com is providing for its story on how President Bush is preparing to shoot down a bill that would give him full funding of the two wars with an added proviso that there’s a schedule of troop withdrawals. There’s both supporters and opponents of what the President is about to do, but there’s really a bigger issue at hand – I seamlessly worked the word “proviso” into political commentary. God, that qualifies me to take any news desk job I want not currently held by this guy.

Yes, everybody who paid attention in 8th grade Social Studies knows that the executive branch has the ability to wipe out any legislation it wants via the magic power of the veto. What you didn’t know, and apparently CNN has now inadvertently leaked to the world, is that upon entering the Oval Office, the President-elect is handed a special veto pen with which to carry out this constitutional right.

While the YABNews team was unable to locate photographic evidence of the President’s Veto Pen, we’ve done some serious investigating as to its make-up, and the results are pretty damn cool. Our first question was what color the Veto Pen’s ink is. Our records are showing RED, as to display the President’s rage and displeasure with the 312-page bill he was just forced to read. (Note: reading appropriations bills are like taking your kids to the mall to spend their allowances – ultimately it’s your cash, but you have no control over what you get for said cash.) Of course, prior to about 1940 or so, the pen only wrote in black and white, according to the history books. In addition, the Veto Pen is HUGE – it’s approximately 30 inches long and you need both hands to sign stuff with it. This is why so many Presidents are known by some sort of initialed-moniker. The Veto Pen is very heavy – would you rather collapse under the weight of the utensil after scribing “Franklin Delano Roosevelt,” when FDR will quash the bill just as effectively?

Guess what? There’s more.

As it turns out, the West Wing doesn’t delve into all the details of the Presidency. The Executive Pen collection is a well-guarded secret. Behind a secret panel on the Oval Office wall is a compartment that contains the Veto Pen, and all the rest. It can only be accessed by current Heads-of-State, and by turning the head of the Calvin Coolidge bust that sits on the end table by the candy dish of Krackels and Mr. Goodbars. Do you want to know about the other pens? Of course you do. We’ll describe ‘em here, but only if you promise not to testify against us in our soon-to-be pending treason hearing. Ok? Thanks.

The Executive Pen Collection

• The Veto Pen – if you’ve forgotten what the Veto Pen looks like already, you probably also failed 8th grade Social Studies. Just a correlation we’re supposing.
• The Appointment Pen – The President, our Hiring Manager-in-Chief, is responsible for the specific selection of thousands of specific civil posts. When he signs the offer letters, he uses this pen. It’s very shiny and very big, yet writes in a dull grey ink. This is to symbolize the lavish attention you’ll be getting as U.S. Ambassador to China, with the sad monthly stipend the job actually pays.
• The Conference Call Pen – Sometimes, the President is stuck on the phone with the leaders of Canada and Mexico, who are bickering about NAFTA trade rights. The Mexicans want lumber for a cheap price, and the Canucks seem to turn Chihuahuas into sled dogs. The President doesn’t give a damn about their problems and needs to stay awake. He puts the call on “mute” and doodles with this pen. A gift from Bill Cosby.
• The William Pen – It’s red, white, and blue, everything it writes comes out liberty, and is used for official proclamations devising federal and state rights and regulations. A gift from the Keystone State.
• The Pardon Pen – Ok, we do know from the West Wing that the President has until the very last minute to grant executive pardons to those who he feels do not deserve incarceration. For those in the clink, this is a happy, happy day. That probably explains why the ink from this pen smells like birthday cake. Hooray!
• The Phnom Pen – makes swift, crisp pen strokes. Used to order attacks on insurgents that have been behaving badly. Extra ink is stored in a tiny pot called by most Presidents the “Pol.”

TR is Rushmore's Sunderland

Forget the 2008 Presidential Race. I’d like to hold a Special Election to promote a former President to acclaimed status.

As it currently stands, Mount Rushmore contains the stately heads of Abraham Lincoln, Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, and Theodore Roosevelt. This quartet served as the inspiration for the Washington Nationals’ Presidents Race for the 2006 season at RFK. Similar to the mighty sausage drag race of Wisconsin, the Presidents Race of RFK has Nats’ staffers inside the costumes of our former heads of state, as they race from the right field foul pole to a finish line in front of the dugout.

Here’s the Fab Four.

However, it has become local lore that while 3 of our former Commanders-in-Chief started their mornings in the White House with a brisk jog, one lags horribly behind. That’s right, Nats fans – TR is slower than Nick Johnson’s recovery from his broken leg. With one season plus one game in the books, Teddy Roosevelt has NEVER, EVER won the Presidents Race.

After being an also-ran for 81 games last year, the Nats’ management even devised a way for TR to cheat his way to an Opening Day victory yesterday, during Washington’s 9-2 loss to the Marlins. An inning prior to the great race, a certain 26th President of the United States appeared to be contemplating suicide, as he stood high above the field. While his peculiar placement drew the park’s interest away from Hanley Ramirez’s sick opening day, it did nothing to assuage the fears that he’d take a flying leap down to the pavement.

No, he had other plans in mind.

Over the reign of Theodore Roosevelt, historians have had many exciting tales to lament and ultimately, exaggerate in middle school textbooks. There was that time he left the country to round up animals for the Smithsonian on an African safari, and killed a bear using only his teeth. He got the idea of having a Great White Naval Fleet playing with his tub toys – a practice later attempted by Taft – this is why he got stuck. And now, Teddy Roosevelt has learned to fly.

For those too lazy to click through to the accompanying YouTube video, Captain Big Stick leapt from the roof of RFK and utilized a zip line to zoom ahead of mere bipedal Washington, Jefferson, and Lincoln. He surged out to a commanding lead over his rivals. 2007 could be HIS year. However, in order to win the race, TR would have to land and finish the final few steps on foot. His landing was far from graceful – as he fell on his back in shame, the other three sped by. Same old result.

So what should we do with a foam representation of a former President whose ethics are now called largely into question? Impeach him posthumously? Nay.

Send him to the minors.

I know we broke free of Great Britain for life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, but I feel that we can still learn from our former rulers. In their English Premier League, any team deemed to be substandard, or unable to keep up with the level of competition the rest of the league is exhibiting, they are demoted to the Football League Championship. Each year, three teams go down, and three teams come up. This encourages teams to not phone it in (as Washington may be threatening to do in ’07), as well as give teams from other origins a chance to compete on the main stage.

Wouldn’t this be PERFECT for the Presidents Race?

After last year, TR would get demoted for a year, and seek reinstatement next off-season. In the meantime, a new challenger would enter the fray and take on the other Fathers of our Country for this season.

I leave it to the YAB Readership YAB for Presidential suggestions.