A Legit Use for Ashton Kutcher's Trucker Hats

Over the past few years, CMT (or Country Music Television, for the acronym-challenged) has managed to quietly install itself as a fixture in that music-themed block somewhere on your cable listing between sports and news. This likely has to do with the emergence of country music as a more potent market force in the music landscape, not to mention the fact that Viacom bought it in 1999. Viacom, who owns MTV and VH1, has proven time and time again that they’ll let just about anything on their TVs. (I Love New York 2? Really?)

When CMT joined your cable lineup, they had to grow up quickly. The art of the music video, and for that matter, looking presentable, was an art not yet learned by many country music artists. There’s no way Alan Jackson in a neon life preserver sees the light of the day now. But CMT (which in this case, has nothing to do with compulsory military training or Charco-Marie-Tooth disease) knows that not all artists are pretty, so they’ll need something to fill the air between Carrie Underwood videos. It’s a shame there’s only one that’s held my attention.

Trick My Truck.

I’ve covered this topic before – hell, it was the reason I swore off couch sleeping in entirety – and there’s not much more you can write about a show that overhauls the least-flashy vehicle on the road. And I do not intend to do that. Instead, I’d like to point out a press release that CMT announced yesterday.

A new makeover series, Trick My Trucker, will debut on CMT on Nov. 10 at 9 p.m. ET/PT. From the producers of Trick My Truck, the new six-episode series will give truckers a physical and emotional overhaul for cash, prizes and a roadmap to healthy living. The show will be hosted by Bob Guiney (The Bachelor) and will feature celebrity stylist Harmonie Krieger and trainer Aaron Aguilera.

Ok, I have no problem with spin-offs. They can be enormously successful if a proper idea exists, at least one more than the fourth-leading actor would like to continue to receive a paycheck. (cough joey cough) And it’s not like truckers aren’t in need of some fine grooming to up their image. After all, there’s only so many shades of flannel that the ladies find attractive. I don’t understand Bachelor Bob’s involvement, and Hermione’s last name is Granger, not Krieger, but it’s likely that the ladies of Country Music Nation will tune in to see this latest production.

But I have a better idea.

You named the show Trick My Trucker, and the brand awareness to the name is what will link this new show to the old successful show about the vehicles. I got that. But where you thought you were clever, it turns out you were just misleading. And if you go by my take on the title, I think I have a WAY more entertaining program to sell you.

Trick My Trucker: The Punk’d of the Cargo Logistics and Transportation World.

Think of the potential pranks Hermione and her wizard buddies could play on innocent rig jockeys:

• Replace their intimidating car horns with one that plays the melody from “I Feel Pretty.”
• When they’re not looking, fill their trailer with melty popsicles.
• Get that damn Convoy song to get stuck on loop over the audio system.
• Open a nightclub in the back of the guy’s cargo hold. Velvet rope and all.
• Introduce new trucker lingo over the CB airwaves that makes no sense whatsoever. Example: “The coattails of the monkey butler are covered with paint thinner. Copy?”

Off to Mourn the Wizard

Bill Nye, the Science Guy: Good morning. I want to thank you all for coming on such notice. It is not typical for the Brotherhood of Fictional Science to meet on such short notice, but I feel that we could not wait for the next Halley’s Comet to come round, as per protocol. Before we begin, I would everyone to go around the room and give their name and field of expertise.
Beakman: My name is Beakman, and my world is zoology.
Spock: I am Mr. Spock. I can be of help with intergalactic astronomy.
Bunsen Honeydew: Yes, greetings. I am Dr. Bunsen Honeydew and this is my assistant, Beeker.
Beeker: MEEP!!!
Honeydew: We are skilled chemists.
Mr. Peabody: And hello, my name is Peabody, and this is my adopted boy Sherman. We are experts in time and space physics.
Nye: Excellent. Now as some of you may have heard, we've lost a brother in science yesterday. I know it's been a while since we've had a meeting or he's been on television, but I just learned that Mr. Wizard passed away, succumbing to cancer at age 90.
Beakman: In tribute, we must each pour a beaker of unknown brightly colored chemical compound out onto the pavement, in honor of our fallen brother.
Beaker: MEEP!
Honeydew: No, not YOU, Beeker. Had you no idea that you and I are named after random laboratory equipment? That Henson fella didn't try too hard in that department.
Beaker: meep...
Honeydew: Yeah, I know.
Mr. Peabody: How can you even understand a damn thing that guy is saying? All of his words are not only unintelligible, they're identical!
Honeydew: Honestly? I haven't a clue what he says all day. Faking it.
Spock: Allow me to mind meld with the lad. I will translate. (engages in mind meld) Ah, you see, Dr. Beaker has some brilliant theories on the acceleration of airborne particle fusion, not to mention some riveting ideas on nuclear atomization of sea turtles. But for now, all he has in his voice is sadness. Complete sadness.
Nye: As do we all, my colleague. Mr. Wizard was a staple in the educating of young minds via television. Without him, I would have no idea how to create a tornado by using a couple two-liter bottles.
Mr. Peabody: What I wouldn't give to put the youth of today in our WABAC machine. They could see that there's more science in two-liter bottles than just cramming a Mentos in there.
Beakman: And I had no idea that I could create contained housefires within my mom's stock pot. Some might say that I can credit my existence on morning television to the man.
Honeydew: You haven’t lived until you’ve created a paper mache volcano, or shot a rocket into the sky between tapings of The Muppet Show. Isn’t that right, Beeker? (looks around) Beeker?
Beeker: Mppp eeeep Mpp Meep Meeee Mppp Meppp.
Honeydew: Don't cry, old friend. It will be okay. Science will live on.
Nye: Of course it will. Thanks to YouTube, anyone can go back and honor Mr. Wizard, as the best intro sequence in scientific history is available there.
Spock: And yet, your intro theme has been viewed over 25,000 more times than his.
Nye: Dude, I'm THE Science Guy. Not some Science Guy. THE Science Guy.
Beaker: MEEP!
Spock: He called you an egomaniacal jerk.
Nye: Big words from a man whose jaw hinges at the back of his neck.

Live! On Tape Delay!

As Oliver Stone could tell you, everybody likes a good conspiracy theory. There’s just something incredibly fun about finding the fatal flaw in the perfect heist of the imagination. Hell, just last week, Bill Simmons may have lowered the boom on the much-suspected NBA Draft Lottery of ’85, when the struggling big-market Knicks won the right to draft Patrick Ewing. It’s an investigative reporter’s dream shot. Nice work, Sports Guy.

Methinks there’s a flaw in your Idolatry.

Flipping back and forth with the remote last night, I watched the Phillies continue to roll over the hapless Nationals, and at the same time, the American Idol Gives Back special on Fox. Both had good causes in mind. The former further prevents Charlie Manuel from getting lynched in the town square (actually, no rope could hold Fatty McBotcherson.) The latter raised over $30 million for much-deserving charities both in Africa and in the United States. This money will go towards rebuilding the hurricane-raved areas of Louisiana, as well as buy medicine, clothing, and mosquito nets for the indigent of Africa. Oh, and there’ll probably be some money left over for wool –

To pull over the eyes of America.

Aside from AI not booting anyone to the curb this week, the FOX promos pushed its viewers to tune in, so that they may witness “the duet of a lifetime.” Fair enough. I’m 27 and with the exception of a Billy Joel-Elton John concert when I was 14, I can’t say I’ve really seen the duet of my lifetime. So in the second hour, Seacrest finally revealed that it would pair the most famous Canadian on the planet with the biggest Idol to ever hit pop music. (No, not Ruben Studdard.)

Elvis Presley.

I’m not here today to blow your doors off with the fact that Elvis Presley actually died in 1977. That is a well-known fact, and Fox would be crazy to try and make the world believe this. They acknowledged it, saying that Celine Dion “will travel back to the days of 1968” for this amazing duet. And there she was, “magically,” singing on the Idol stage with the King of Rock ‘n Roll, for all the world to see.

I’m not here to tell you they did a crappy job, either. The camera angles, moving and fading, made it appear that the hologram of Elvis Presley was true-to-life. This was far bigger than a blue screen endeavor. Celine played it up, too; looking over and watching the great one belt out a song he actually sand nearly 40 years ago. But the conspiracy doesn’t lie with whether or not FOX used an exhumed corpse or a hologram – they have readily acknowledged that. The conspiracy lies with something else.

The Magic of Television.

I have read the following press clipping in one that more place this morning:

Celine Dion made TV history in America last night when she performed live with Elvis Presley. Technology enabled the Canadian to appear to sing alongside Presley onstage at the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood during the American Idol "Idol Gives Back" charity special. The late rocker appeared in hologram form for the breathtaking duet of "If I Can Dream" with Dion, leaving many audience members stunned and convinced they were seeing a ghost.

Um. What?

I credit American Idol for running their show live week in and week out. The Celine-Elvis performance, however, WAS NOT LIVE. Working with a hologrammed performer brings up a host of potential glitches, and if one were to go wrong, i.e. the wrong camera angle at the wrong time, the technological breakthrough that was Cyber-Elvis would be a laughing stock. But man, it looked live, didn’t it? The Idol backup singers were in the weird white outfits they donned last night, and the stage looked identical to how it did last night.

Here’s the video (that is, until Fox yanks it from YouTube)

Like I said, everything gives the impression that it’s live, with one MAJOR EXCEPTION. Let’s focus on the Idol contestants, shall we? They rarely show them up close, but we can tell that from attire to hairstyle, it’s a perfect emulation. Blake, Chris, Phil, Lakisha, Melinda, and Jordan – all mirror images of how they looked last night.

“But Condon, maybe it WAS them last night – it was live, right?”

NO!

First, it happens at 2:11 in the video, when the Idols walk out from their seats. Pay attention to the first one out of the blocks. Then at 2:44, we pan across the Idols from right to left, there’s a tall and skinny guy out to the far left. Damn, he looks familiar. A freeze frame at 2:58 will allow you to count seven, not six Idols swaying the duet of a lifetime. And one more time, at 3:07, some gawky kid seems to be standing out in his white suit. And that gawky kid isn’t Seacrest.

It’s Sanjaya Malakar, who was kicked off last weekend.

This was taped more than a week ago, friends.

And for the audience members stunned and convinces they were seeing a ghost, we have some advice for you.

American Idol is not haunted. The NFL Draft, however...