A Vote and a Smile

(originally posted 8/29/08)

Holy crap, it’s dusty in here.

As you may or may not have noticed, YAB has been on a sabbatical since, well, May. I’d like to say that it was because something awesome was going on in my life that prevented me from writing on a regular basis here in Blogspotville – but it’s just not the case. Work has been busy, despite every auto industry-related newspaper article would lead you to believe. But to come back now – on an idle Friday just before Labor Day – would give you reason to believe that I’m ready to return to entertaining family and friends on the nuances of married/parental/homeownered life. Any return to the scene probably means I’ve got something big to write about that warrants immediate publication.

Wrong.

You know as well as I do that I don’t write about politics much. I live in a region so saturated with Capitol Hillbillies that my neighbors in traffic do the work for me. But it’s an election year, and therefore, let’s consider this my quadrennial piece of punditry.

This week, the Democratic National Convention has been the story, what with their successful invasion of Denver and their subsequent displacement of up to three professional sports teams. (Meanwhile, the Rockies are bunkered up in their dugout, poised to take a Louisville Slugger to the knees of anyone who comes near them with a five-foot tall placard with their state’s name on them. I support political conventions.

It gives Jon Stewart all the material he needs.

But as the DNC has drawn to a close, the Republicans have taken the nation’s focus with the news that candidate John McCain has selected his running mate. Good for him. And while it appears that he’s in no hurry to reveal the identity of said running mate, rumors are that his chosen one has their mail delivered in the crucial swing state of Alaska.

Probably like you, I’m not one who just clicks through news links that are sent to me in e-mail. Therefore, I know not the name of the GOP’s appointed second fiddle. And like I said, I’m busy at work these days. So rather than do my due diligence – we’re just going to assume what everyone’s ready to assume.

The Republican VP candidate is a Polar Bear.

Like I said, there are probably several logical reasons why the above statement isn’t a valid one. Polar Bears may not actually live in Alaska. The life span of polar bears may be below 35 years. With migratory patterns between Alaska and Siberia or gasp, Canada, the US of A may not be their place of citizenship. But my fellow Americans, I assure you this:

This would guarantee the Presidency for John McCain.

Hell yes, I’ve got reasons.

1. Polar Bears are Bears, and thereby, score high in Adorability. Coca-Cola makes a point to remind us of this every holiday season. And just because a baby polar bear can't muster the dexterity in his paws to open a tiny glass bottle of cola, does NOT mean he can't step in the Commander-in-Chief role should something happen to his running mate.
2. Polar Bears can also be MEAN. There's something at the negotiation table about mauling that gets policy done. Polar bears are tough on crime, tough on foreign policy, tough on illegal fishing. Toughness is a good characteristic for a VP to have.
3. Soft and furry coat takes focus of whiteness off McCain's dome.
4. As good as a selection Joe Biden is, I don't like him in the Vice Presidential debate against a Polar Bear.
5. Polar Bears who are forced to wear a suit and tie, are by definition, hilarious.
6. PB and J - how's that for a campaign banner?

Aloha Mr. Newark

Thanks for the tip, Caro. I told you I’d get to this.Friends, New Jerseyans, Shoremen, – lend me your eyes. We’ve got work to do.

The role of the older brother is not an occupation that I take lightly. Your parents decided to have you first for a reason, and that reason is to dictate order and law in the life of any subsequent being they have chosen to produce. For the most part, older brothers take the form of a sage elder, crossing the pitfalls of youth before their siblings to report back. It’s a reconnaissance mission of adolescence, basically. You can do the role with much kindness and adoration and hope to be respected. Or, like Wayne did on The Wonder Years, you can force respect by employing a repetitive series of charley horses to the arm of anyone following you on the family tree.

Today, New Jersey opts for Plan Wayne.

I’m no lawyer, but I am friends with enough of ‘em that I can probably practice law in some of the states that no one cares about (you know, the ones they don’t film TV shows in.) So I feel I’m fairly qualified to comment upon (or at least mock) an article published in the Wall Street Journal Law Blog last week. Let’s break down the case in question, with mind bullets:

• British Petroleum wants to build a natural gas refinery on the New Jersey side of the Delaware River. New Jersey, the laid-back state that it is, is cool with this.
• Delaware is not, for environmental reasons.
• Delaware is playing the role of Mr.Hand, who is interested in order and discipline.
• New Jersey is Jeff Spicoli, and would love some tasty waves, a cool buzz, and liquid fuel processing right about now.
  

Now the reason that this case is noteworthy (you know, other than the glaringly obvious correlation to Fast Times at Ridgemont High), is that the crux of the issue is a border dispute, and shockingly, this is one of the few areas of law that only the Supreme Court of the United States has exclusive jurisdiction over.
If it would please the Supreme Court, I would like to make an argument on behalf of the Garden State.

Delaware sucks.

Look, Delaware, we’re really proud that you ratified the United States Constitution before anyone else could even ink their quills. Good for you. If you hadn’t pushed your way to the table, you would just be a tiny state that really holds little special significance in the fabric that has become our nation’s union. That’s right. You’d be a pointy Rhode Island.

It’s also rumored that Thomas Jefferson gave Delaware the nickname “The Diamond State,” but I wouldn’t exactly go around proclaiming this as a coup. Thomas Jefferson didn’t exactly understand the value behind such a precious gem. Rumor has it he also called his mailbox “The Diamond Box,” France “The Diamond Country,” his left foot “The Diamond Appendage” and the local sandlot “The Diamond Diamond.” Hell, we’re lucky he didn’t give us the Diamondation of Independence.

Your state university has the only female team name in the whole NCAA. How fierce.

But hey, at least famous actor Judge Reinhold is from Wilmington. And with that, my argument has come full circle.

I rest my case.

Distractics - TV Edition

June 9, 2003.

I remember this day well. While it may have preceded YAB by a good 14 months, this day will live on in infamy. After being at my current place of work for almost six months, our department was re-located from the 5th to the 2nd floor in my building. We left on a Friday with our desks efficiently packed, the elves that we hire to do office moves came in on the weekend, and when we got in Monday, all was magically right in the business world, albeit 3 floors closer to the earth. As I sat down to enjoy my brand new cubicle, I flicked on my computer to begin commerce. And that’s when we learned that the network connection had yet to be re-established, leaving us off-line for the entire day.

I’ve been behind by a day ever since.

This past Friday, I realized for the first time in a long, long while, it was going to be a day of clock-watching. Since I had gotten used to being out of the office on Fridays to rent tuxedoes, I had grown so efficient on a 4-day work week that Friday was going to allow me a little recess. I looked at my phone sitting there, and I had an idea.

Nordberg!

Knowing I could count on him for distraction tactics – nay, distractics! – if I included geography in some form, I e-mailed him a challenge. I listed all 49 Awesome United States of America and Delaware, in alphabetical order in an e-mail. And via a back-and-forth e-mail exchange in which we take turns, our charge was to identify a television show that was based in each and every state. Sound easy? Sound hard? Don’t worry, we did the legwork for you, and our results are below.

I decided to start with a hallmark of television, granting Seinfeld bragging rights in New York. It was a solid selection, and a sitcom that warrants recognition. Nordberg agreed, and then responded with one for Connecticut. Of course, it was the Gilmore Girls. His stated reasoning: “I’m getting some hard ones out of the way early.” His actual reasoning: “It was the first one I saw in my purse.” That’s 2.

Ah, let’s move on to the Painfully Obvious types. These are shows that have their location in the name. And somehow we resisted not knocking out 17 states by merely listing all the CSI’s. Hawaii Five-O (HAWAII). Las Vegas (NEVADA). Eerie, Indiana (INDIANA). Roswell (NEW MEXICO). Dallas (TEXAS). Miami Vice (FLORIDA). Wow, that was great work. In other revelations, the sky is blue and rocks are heavy. That’s 8.

And then you have your iconic city TV shows. These are the ones that force people visiting that city to ask where they can find the house/office/bar in which it was set. No real surprises here. You’ve got Cheers (MASSACHUSETTS), Fraser (WASHINGTON), the Drew Carey Show (OHIO), The Wire (MARYLAND), and the Sopranos (NEW JERSEY). That’s 13.

What about shows that relied on local culture to advance the plot? These are shows that make you think of the location probably before you can name the secondary characters. Say hello to Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman (COLORADO), Dukes of Hazzard (GEORGIA), the Andy Griffith Show (NORTH CAROLINA), Northern Exposure (ALASKA), The Waltons (VIRGINIA), Newhart (VERMONT), and Big Love (UTAH). That’s 20.

What about newer shows? Yeah, we’ve got them, too. And even if they don’t go down in history as great television, they’ve now officially served their purpose. Thanks for the memories K-Ville (LOUISIANA), Eureka (OREGON), Saving Grace (OKLAHOMA), Smallville (KANSAS), and Army Wives (SOUTH CAROLINA). Hooray, 25!

Then you’ve got your group of older shows that you remember being on over a decade ago. Nordberg and I often remembered the show well, but couldn’t exactly place where they were without a little research. Nevertheless, they make the list. Evening Shade (ARKANSAS), Perfect Strangers (ILLINOIS), Murder She Wrote (MAINE), the John Larroquette Show (MISSOURI), Coach (MINNESOTA), and Step by Step (WISCONSIN.) Speaking of which, there are more shows set in Wisconsin than really are necessary. We could have gone That 70’s Show, Picket Fences, Happy Days, Laverne and Shirley. Look, I can’t help Nordberg is a dork. That’s 31.

Hey, shows that Condon likes to watch! Give me The Office (PENNSYLVANIA), The Family Guy (RHODE ISLAND), and Saved by the Bell (CALIFORNIA). Go Bayside, beat Valley! 34!

Look, shows we never would have heard of if it weren’t for a last-gasp Wikipedia run! I give you the tv version of In the Heat of the Night (MISSISSIPPI) and Hawkins (WEST VIRGINIA). In Hawkins, Jimmy Stewart won a Golden Globe for being a lawyer and old, at the same time! 36 and counting.

Reality shows are fun if you’re in a bind. Nashville Star is as TENNESSEE as you can get, and that stupid MTV high school football show Two-a-Days makes Alabama seem interesting. 38, baby.

I pulled a gem with Hey, Dude for ARIZONA early on in the game. I’m still impressed with myself.

And then we have MICHIGAN. So many good choices here. Home Improvement made its mark, as did Freaks and Geeks and Martin. But Nordberg opted for 8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter. And since he spelled all the words correctly, he gets it. Hey, we’re men! We’re 40!

That leaves:
DELAWARE – IDAHO – IOWA – KENTUCKY – MONTANA – NEBRASKA – NEW HAMPSHIRE – NORTH DAKOTA – SOUTH DAKOTA – WYOMING.Care to help? Go and rock the comments.

(And no, the Cheyenne Local News at 5 does not count.)