Free With the Price of Admission

Since the Flyers only garner about 12 seconds of daily Sports Center airtime, and March Madness has not yet begun, I think it’s safe to say that I’m ready for baseball season to begin. And why not? The actual pro ballplayers are enjoying themselves in sunny Florida (or Arizona), just taking batting practice and getting a tan. And with my softball season still over a month away, I’m taking blogging practice and getting a headache. Why can’t these two worlds – business and baseball – collide?

Oh, but they can.

In hopes of convincing fans to come down to the ballpark, pro teams will often create a promotion or theme night giveaway, in hopes that some crappy hat with MAB Paints stitched across the back will make it worth the price of your admission. Yeah, it makes the kiddies happy, and if you’re a hardcore, box-score keeping type, it may hold their interest until the top of the third. I remember growing up and going to numerous promotion days with my dad – the best, of course, being Bat Day. Now most promotions were for the kids, and this was strictly adhered to in the ads. “Hats for all kids 14 and Under! Juan Samuel baseball cards for all kids 14 and Under!” “Free Hot Dogs for all kids 14 and Under!” What does this mean?

Hey 15 year-olds! Stop freeloading and get a job, you slackers.

The Philadelphia Phillies enter this ’07 campaign with high hopes for their playoff chances. And because they want you to have equally high hopes, the following promotions have been planned. We comment on them now.

April 4th – Peanut Chews College Opening Night – Is there actually a Peanut Chews College? I figured after they failed miserably at making candy bars, they’d fold like a cheap card table, not venture into higher education.

April 15th – Jackie Robinson Salute – Since 2004, every April 15th has been in memory of the man who broke the color barrier in the Major Leagues. You want to talk memory, though? I remember that on the day when his number was retired across the entire league, the Phillies fielded the following starting 9 – Gregg Jefferies, Ruben Amaro, Darren Daulton, Rico Brogna, Mickey Morandini, Mike Lieberthal, Kevin Stocker, Scott Rolen, and Bobby Munoz. What’s so compelling about a team that lost that game? Not a single black guy in the starting lineup on Jackie Robinson Day. You stay classy, Terry Francona.

April 29th – Citizens Bank Phanatic Birthday – Look, I’ll honor another year of survival/existence for the big green freakshow that is the Phillie Phanatic. After all, not only did he not kill himself riding is all-terrain vehicle while looking through an eyehole no bigger than a stick of baseball card chewing gum, he lived through a horrific attack from a ferocious beast. Buy that guy(?) a drink.

June 3rd – Shane Victorino Hula Figurine – Look, there’s rumors that the Phils are going to trade Lieber to Toronto for solid outfielder Alex Rios, which has to make current rightfielder Shane Victorino a little bit nervous. Which must have been the exact time her agreed to a bobblehead that features him in a grass skirt. Hang loose, Shane. Hang loose.

June 26th – Stitch and Pitch Night – “Bring your knitting, stitching, quilting or other projects to the game and meet other enthusiasts while enjoying Phillies baseball.” Um, I’m not so sure that I want all of South Philly coming to the ballpark to knock back a few cold ones and then wield GIANT METAL NEEDLES. But hey, that’s just me.

July 29th – Equipment Drive – Look, fans. We’re proud to still be in playoff contention the day before the trade deadline, and we’d really like to bring in one more big bat to solidify our lineup for the stretch drive. Pittsburgh’s willing to part with Jason Bay, but in return they actually are requesting a truckload of big bats in return. Red and plastic, if possible. So if you have one, help out the Fightins,’ would ya?