Look at This Photograph

How do celebrities do it?

Because of their fame, they are targets at any time of day in any given place to get their picture taken. For some reason, magazines and websites pay top dollar for photographic evidence of famous people doing normal people errands. I can’t say I’ve ever opened up an Us Weekly and got all excited to see Jessica Biel or Daniel Craig picking up their dry cleaning. The fact that that I have visual proof that they prefer heavy starch over light really doesn’t change my opinion of their acting skills.

But then again, I can’t say I’ve ever opened up an Us Weekly at all.

And yet, smart celebs must be on their toes and look their best for this reason. Somebody cares about these photos, otherwise paparazzi would just be another Italian word that fades into the sunset. (Like Benigni.)

Why is this relevant to anything in the World of Condon? Maybe you’ve forgotten. I now share a home with the Most Documented Human on Earth. So now, being in her presence and the shutter snaps and camera flashes that follow her everywhere she goes, it appears that I’m on the edge of the limelight. Yikes.

Since Clara isn’t quite ready to do anything that, well, would require her act independently of anyone else (short of sleeping and lying down), there’s a pretty good chance that Katie, myself, a relative, or a friend are also on the fringe of each new photo. It’s a support position, to be sure. The fact of the matter is that you’re getting photographed with far more frequency pre-baby than you may have expected. It’s a responsibility of raising a child. And what Spider-man failed to teach us, “With great power comes great responsibility, but with great responsibility comes great consequences.” Ack.

I now have to pay way more attention to my personal appearance, for fear of committing the ultimate gaffe of taking the focus off the baby. This affects me in several ways. First off, you have got to shave on a daily basis. In the past, if Saturday rolled around and you weren’t planning on seeing anybody, I may be tempted to forgo the daily routine of taking 6 blades of steel to the face. No one’s going to really care. But with the introduction of baby pictures into the equation – which can happen at any time – my voluntary scruffiness could come back to haunt. And for those who have been following along with our little Snapfish press junket, something else regarding the patriarchal character may be bothering you.

Yes, I’m getting a haircut. Soon.

Also, your selection of fashion comes into question. After a long day at work, I’ve come home to give Mom a break and perhaps to do some household chores. I change out of my work clothes and into something a little more comfortable. And while comfort is a virtue, the real reason for the transformation of wardrobe is this: babies are quite good at making sure whatever you’re wearing at a given moment isn’t set in stone. She may have other ideas for your favorite t-shirt, and one undefended sneeze later, it’s back to the changing room for her…and you.

(It should also be noted here that on many an occasion, I’ve been photographed holding Clara while wearing that long-sleeve gray W&M shirt with the ’93 on the front. I DO have other shirts, and I do wear them. So why is it that any time we take a good picture together I’m wearing that one?)

Finally, I feel that as the supporting character to any Clara Grace still portrait, I serve as the only real measure that an onlooker can use to judge her size. That gave me an idea. Rather than insist on being a part of every single photo my daughter will ever take, why not introduce an object of unchanging size, so as to compare the two. It would be a unique form of measuring stick so that those not present in the room at time of photo really truly know how tall and big she’s getting. And since I’m all for using classic means of measurement, I suggest a breadbox. From the use of a breadbox, all witnesses will know how quickly she’s grown. I’m not saying she needs to be in the bread box, just near it.

Plus, she’ll look totally cute holding it alongside her diploma at her college graduation.