When Office Machines Go Bad

While watching some television over the weekend, Katie noticed that come March 22, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles will be back in theaters in all their pizza-eating brilliance, and she asked me (either because I’m a cinemaphile or an acclaimed herpetologist) “Why do we need another Ninja Turtle movie?” Great question, dear.

And upon researching an answer for my wife (turns out I AM a cinemaphile and not a turtle lover in a labcoat), I came across an astonishing fact. The first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Movie came out in 1990.

That was 17 years ago.

How the heck did that happen? For years I felt like that everything that was apart of my childhood occurred about ten years ago. It was a comfortable window that really did encompass just about anything I was about to recall in a memorable story. And somehow, in my ever-continuing age increase, I let the years slip, and what stared as an enjoyable afternoon on the couch turns into a shocking revelation of how the time has flown.

I thought turtles move slower than everybody else. Who cheated?

However, I then realized that is really HAS been 17 years since one of my all-time favorite kids movies hit the screen. How? Because the more I thought about it, I realized that I have an incredible compendium of Turtle Trivia that’s been kicking around my head all this time. It would have taken 17 years for me to gather this much useless knowledge. I will now use this blog to clutter your minds with TMNT movie trivia.

(Note: No, I didn’t consult IMDB to write this stuff. I've led a sad life.)

• One of the all-time best rap songs is TURTLE Power, by the never-heard-from-again Partners in Kryme. Really, their flow belongs in my Lyrical Hall of Fame. Anyone who rhymes “When Tonto came pronto” is ok in my book.
• The guy who plays the Shredder in the first sequel? None other than Lost’s Dr. Marvin Candle. Yeah. Anyone who wouldn’t believe mutant turtles as a Dharma project is a liar.
• Introduced future movie bad guys to the Foot Clan Group Attack Method, whereby an army of hundreds wait their turn, one-by-one or two-by-two to take on their enemy, rather than swarm like they freakin’ should. See The Matrix Reloaded for more.
• The angry Asian who plays Master Tetsu doesn’t grunt and speak in minimal sentences because he wants to seem cool or imposing; it’s because that guy didn’t speak a lick of English. Ninja Vanish.
• A character from the original, Casey Jones, is one of few main human castings in the flick. I had a real problem with Casey Jones, the ex-hockey player who wields a stick with reckless abandon. This guy was strong and agile as hell; keeping up with the turtles and fighting trained ninjas. But from his mask and choice of stick, one thing is clear – he’s a goalie. I blame his Pee-Wee coach for not training him to be a puck-moving defenseman or power forward. He probably would have been way more successful and seen time in the NHL. Hell, if Chris Simon can do it…
• Spud once told me that Sam Rockwell, the star of Confessions of a Dangerous Mind and Charlie’s Angels, is credited in the movie as “Head Thug.” Everybody’s gotta start somewhere.
• Vanilla Ice is the only cast member to date from this film series to end up on The Surreal Life. We think.
• However, Raphael does utter the line, “A Jose Canseco bat? Tell me... you didn't pay money for this.” Wow, a turtle prophet.
• Ernie Reyes Jr, an acclaimed martial artist, rose to fame through this franchise, getting his own major character (Keno) in the second movie. However, a stellar screen presence and killer technique will not make me forgive him for Surf Ninjas, one of my all-time five worst movies.
• In the fifth grade, my band teacher Mr. Johnson wrote an original piece of orchestra music for our elementary school that sounded incredible like the “Heroes in a Half-Shell” part of the Ninja Turtle theme song. He didn’t know this until he played it for a group of 11 year-old kids. From their reaction, he named the piece “Pizza Power.” Looking back at this moment, he should have named it “Flagrant Copyright Infringement.”