Meter Mail, Volume 2

Look, we know that not every one happens upon You’re a Blog deliberately. The Interwebs are a big, big place – and there are many people just out there, looking for information, comedy, or some sort of informational comedy that only great minds like Troy McClure are capable of providing.

RIP, Troy.

Back in “December,” we decided to harness the comedy of the wayward souls that had come here via Google searches et al, by creating a recurring feature we labeled METER MAIL. If you recall, (or click the hyperlink, depending on your memory), I find out about these YAB new arrivals via the SiteMeter that’s buried at the bottom of this page. The Interwebs are a cyclical beast; every now and then search engines like Google, Yahoo, and Google France (yes, really) will find our humble little bastion of funny as a perfect place to direct those seeking answers. In fact, we took our newfound importance rather seriously a few weeks after Meter Mail was published, devoting an entire post to explaining everything there is to explain about the Marissa Tomei straight-to-DVD release, Danika – despite never seeing the flick.

In the words of Master Yoda, “Sadistic we are, mmm, yes!”

Well it appears from our traffic that we’re popular again, so we now deliver a second edition of Meter Mail. After all, a recurring feature is only recurring if it shows up a second time.

(all questions are actual wrong turns to our website)

“What is the penalty for marking the driveway with paint in nyc?”

-Bronx, New York

That’s a very important question, Bronx, and we’re sure glad you asked that. It is no secret that many of my classmates entered the law profession following our education at William and Mary, and some of them, including the Prodigal Roommate, passed the New York Bar Exam. However, since they are lawyers, and therefore charge for their services by the sixth of an hour, I’m hesitant to contact any of them on your behalf, since we don’t have much in the YAB Budget under the line item for “legal services.” So we’re going to go out on a limb and answer your question for you. The penalty is death. Sorry, New Yorkers live to protect their asphalt. We hope you were asking this question for its potential, not retroactively.

“What is a good NFL Survivor Pool Strategy?”

-Jersey City, New Jersey

For those who don’t know (and I think we’ve covered this before), a survivor pool requires you to pick one and only one winner each week in the NFL. If you are correct, you survive. If you are incorrect, you do not. And the one catch is you can’t pick the same team twice over the course of the season. The best strategy is to pick lesser teams with a strong chance of winning early in the season, so that when you are stuck with a tough decision in Week 10, you still have teams like Indianapolis and San Diego to use. My personal pick? I went with Seattle over Tampa Bay in Seattle. (Note: if you are in my survivor pool, then my advice would be Tampa Bay over Seattle.)

“What is a synonym for fortnight?”

-Cheever, England

I can’t imagine a scenario in which I would need to diversify my verbiage for the time period that contains two weeks. Look, I’m all for a lack of vocabulary repetition, but Cheever, fortnight is an excellent word. I try and slide it into conversation even when it’s completely gratuitous. Don’t give up on fortnight. It’s an outstanding word, and I believe we have you Brits to thank for it.

“Why did Julius Erving wear #6?”

-Petaling Jaya, Malaysia

Dr. J wore number six because that’s how many years he needed to get through NBA medical school. Everybody knows this.

“Can you put fish in alcohol bottles?

-Springfield, Illinois

This is the best question I’ve ever received. Rather than I answer it, I’d just like to take the time to evaluate this guy’s predicament, which no doubt spawned this peculiar question. The way I see it, three things may have happened.

• The fish bowl just got promoted to punch bowl.

• His fish narc’ed on him last time he had his underage friends over drinking a fortnight ago, and payback’s a bitch.

• This guy HAS put fish in alcohol bottles, and now he’s challenging Google to do the same. Somehow, cockiness doesn’t translate well to search engine query fields.

Meter Mail, Volume 1

A common feature of many well-read blogs is the reader mailbag. This features the editor, most likely out of original ideas and grasping for a new way to further incorporate his readership into a heightened level of interactivity, taking questions and answering them in an informative and helpful manner. Bill Simmons at ESPN is by far the best at said practice, and normally I’d link you to one of his columns doing just that, but he still hasn’t answered any of MY e-mails, including the following:

Bill,
What the hell happens if Tiki Barber retires and ends up on 20/20 waiting for Kornheiser to die so he can take his place along Tirico and Theisman? Does he fade into obscurity since no one watches 20/20? Or does he trying really hard to score interviews with Bush, the Pope, Brangelina, and Jesus only to have the managing editor take him out and have Brandon Jacobs conduct them?
Chris, VA

However, YAB isn’t as well-read as Simmons, and none of you people e-mail me questions (with the exception of Caro – I’m going to get to that soon, btw), so one would think it would be pretty hard to use the Reader Mail as a recurring feature for the blog. And since making up questions seems a little narcissistic (which I can’t believe I spelled right on the first try), we have to go to another source – the Site Meter.

If you ever scrolled down to the bottom of YAB, you’d see that since December-something 2004, there’s been a little monkey that’s been keep count of how many people visit YAB. And as we’ve mentioned in The Adventure of Links, it also reveals how some wayward surfers have searched for and ended up with something on our site. As of late, it seems that searches have often been typed in the form of a question, so even though at the time we weren’t much help, a column should help now in our new segment, Meter Mail.

(all questions are actual wrong turns to our website)

“Can someone please explain the movie Danika to me?”
- Columbia, South Carolina

Well, Columbia, I can’t say I’ve seen this 2006 movie starring Marissa Tomei, so there’s probably not a whole lot I can say. But I do know that her husband it the guy Russell Crowe pummels in Cinderella Man, and since Mr. Crowe and I are best buds, here’s a few bonus thoughts concerning Danika. First off, Marissa Tomei’s best performance is no doubt the one for which she won an Oscar, in My Cousing Vinny. But after that? Hands down – her cameo as Marissa Tomei on Seinfeld. Secondly, you probably noticed we’ve linked twice to IMDB in this very response. Does anyone remember what we did prior to IMDB, or a time when there wasn’t an IMDB? I remember sophomore year casting my Shawnee friends as the Kevin Smith universe, and I couldn’t remember Joey Lauren Adams’ character in Chasing Amy. I was forced to call the role “JLA” on the list. Was IMDB not around in 1999? Moving on…

“What was the oop d oop trick play from Varsity Blues movie?”
- Thousand Oaks, California

Wow! That’s a lot of oaks! Anyways, I can actually answer this question, rather than just reference the play in last year’s post on the NFL Coaching Carousel. The oop-tee-oop, a masterful passing play introduced by VanderBeek, featured 5 receivers – one split out on the left side, while the other four lined up right side, in the shape of a 2 x 2 box. The play is designed to isolate the solo receiver, one on one, against a corner, while the complete chaos of four received running slants and outs on the right demand the rest of the secondary’s attention. I have a question in return, T-Oaks. Does this movie make James Caan “Mr. Tweeder.”?

“Explain when you dive for a coin at the bottom of a pool, it's not where you think it is.”
- Minneapolis, Minnesota

Apparently, there aren’t banks in Minnesota.