Meter Mail, Volume 2

Look, we know that not every one happens upon You’re a Blog deliberately. The Interwebs are a big, big place – and there are many people just out there, looking for information, comedy, or some sort of informational comedy that only great minds like Troy McClure are capable of providing.

RIP, Troy.

Back in “December,” we decided to harness the comedy of the wayward souls that had come here via Google searches et al, by creating a recurring feature we labeled METER MAIL. If you recall, (or click the hyperlink, depending on your memory), I find out about these YAB new arrivals via the SiteMeter that’s buried at the bottom of this page. The Interwebs are a cyclical beast; every now and then search engines like Google, Yahoo, and Google France (yes, really) will find our humble little bastion of funny as a perfect place to direct those seeking answers. In fact, we took our newfound importance rather seriously a few weeks after Meter Mail was published, devoting an entire post to explaining everything there is to explain about the Marissa Tomei straight-to-DVD release, Danika – despite never seeing the flick.

In the words of Master Yoda, “Sadistic we are, mmm, yes!”

Well it appears from our traffic that we’re popular again, so we now deliver a second edition of Meter Mail. After all, a recurring feature is only recurring if it shows up a second time.

(all questions are actual wrong turns to our website)

“What is the penalty for marking the driveway with paint in nyc?”

-Bronx, New York

That’s a very important question, Bronx, and we’re sure glad you asked that. It is no secret that many of my classmates entered the law profession following our education at William and Mary, and some of them, including the Prodigal Roommate, passed the New York Bar Exam. However, since they are lawyers, and therefore charge for their services by the sixth of an hour, I’m hesitant to contact any of them on your behalf, since we don’t have much in the YAB Budget under the line item for “legal services.” So we’re going to go out on a limb and answer your question for you. The penalty is death. Sorry, New Yorkers live to protect their asphalt. We hope you were asking this question for its potential, not retroactively.

“What is a good NFL Survivor Pool Strategy?”

-Jersey City, New Jersey

For those who don’t know (and I think we’ve covered this before), a survivor pool requires you to pick one and only one winner each week in the NFL. If you are correct, you survive. If you are incorrect, you do not. And the one catch is you can’t pick the same team twice over the course of the season. The best strategy is to pick lesser teams with a strong chance of winning early in the season, so that when you are stuck with a tough decision in Week 10, you still have teams like Indianapolis and San Diego to use. My personal pick? I went with Seattle over Tampa Bay in Seattle. (Note: if you are in my survivor pool, then my advice would be Tampa Bay over Seattle.)

“What is a synonym for fortnight?”

-Cheever, England

I can’t imagine a scenario in which I would need to diversify my verbiage for the time period that contains two weeks. Look, I’m all for a lack of vocabulary repetition, but Cheever, fortnight is an excellent word. I try and slide it into conversation even when it’s completely gratuitous. Don’t give up on fortnight. It’s an outstanding word, and I believe we have you Brits to thank for it.

“Why did Julius Erving wear #6?”

-Petaling Jaya, Malaysia

Dr. J wore number six because that’s how many years he needed to get through NBA medical school. Everybody knows this.

“Can you put fish in alcohol bottles?

-Springfield, Illinois

This is the best question I’ve ever received. Rather than I answer it, I’d just like to take the time to evaluate this guy’s predicament, which no doubt spawned this peculiar question. The way I see it, three things may have happened.

• The fish bowl just got promoted to punch bowl.

• His fish narc’ed on him last time he had his underage friends over drinking a fortnight ago, and payback’s a bitch.

• This guy HAS put fish in alcohol bottles, and now he’s challenging Google to do the same. Somehow, cockiness doesn’t translate well to search engine query fields.