Euclid Cheated and Stole, Too.

There’s an old adage that simply says, “The Numbers Don’t Lie.”
There’s a new adage that simply says, “Oh Yeah? Then mathematicians do.”

The absoluteness of numbers is why I enjoy working in Finance for a living. There’s an answer that can be revealed if you use logic, science, and a calculator every single time. It’s an epic battle to be right all the time and to have the scratch work to prove it. This is why I hated essay tests. Why did we need to bring subjective opinion into academics?

(This is also why I hated Reading Comprehension on the SATs, too. What’s the best answer of the four below for the underlying theme of this passage? What kind of question is that, fencesitter?)

But sometimes number crunchers don’t use their power for good. They use it for evil. And this evil is picked up by those who essay tests, and published on the internet or in a newspaper. And then it’s my job to expose them as the arithmetic charlatans that they are. What’s that? What are my credentials for performing this public service?

I was a mathlete.

I’m sure at some point this week (or some past March) you’ve been thrown the statistic that the annual NCAA college basketball tournament is a distraction so prevalent in the workplace that if one put that productivity in currency terms, American Business would be at a multi-billion dollar loss. (This year the figure is $3.8 billion). And news websites like CNN and MSNBC just take the headline and the total and tease it on their front page, and all of a sudden, Wall Street’s in a panic. “Oh my God,” those traders cry. “At that rate, the 12 GM plants across the country are on schedule to produce approximately nine cars this month. Sell, damn it!”

So overdramatic.

So while I’d like to blame the content editor on the press that makes this story a big deal, the real problem lies with the mathete (read: turncoat) that came up with the amount in the first place. Don’t you remember taking those tests back in high school, Numbers McAddstoofast? Your final answer isn’t what the judges are looking for! Don’t you read directions?

SHOW YOUR WORK.

Nowhere in any of these financial doomsday articles is there ever a supplemental margin of calculations that would demonstrate the $3.8 billion’s origins. Maybe they’re afraid to publish a picture of a nerd with a dartboard, I don’t know. But as your resident logarithmic public defender, I will grab my calculator and debunk the press for you. For Basketball. And for America.

First off, the figure, according to the nefarious article, quadrupled this year, up from $889 million last year. Wow! So we all got 300% raises during our last review period! (Checks paystub.) Oh. Guess not. (sigh)

No, the consulting firm wizards behind this adjusted their “number of basketball fans” up to 41% of the American public, meaning last year, they assumed the figure was 1 in 10. I don’t want to pull out a stats book or anything, but that’s probably more than a few standard deviations from being accurate, no? What did they do last year? Poll a group of 10 toddlers, with only one responding positively to the question (the rest cried when they saw Joakim Noah on TV.)

Random guess at B-ball fans nonwithstanding, it’s still a flawed number. It assumes that everyone in that 41% 1) sit in front of a computer, 2) will spend 14 minutes a day on March Madness for 16 days (even the non-game days?) and 3) this time is in addition to existing time wasting methods.

The blind construction worker on a smoke break begs to differ. (Dude, who gave that guy a sledgehammer, anyway?)

It just took you 4 minutes to read this post. You have 9 and a half to laugh at Duke, and then it’s back to the salt mine with y’all.

17 Syllables of Hell

It’s not hard to call out a sham when I see one. Take the Kansas City Royals, for instance. That franchise is a sham. They didn’t spend 55 million dollars on mediocre pitcher Gil Meche because they actually want to climb out of the AL Central basement. They spent 55 million dollars on Gil Meche because the public will see them making the effort to improve talent by spending money. That’s a sham.

Defined, a sham is a fraud or a hoax. Britney Spears’ marriage? SHAM! The importance of the Golden Globes? SHAM! YouTube’s Lonelygirl15? SHAM! The decorative outward covering of a pillow? SHAM!

But you see, none of the above shams are news to you. I’m not exactly the first on their respective scenes to debunk any myths surrounding them. But that wasn’t the goal of this post. Rather the re-tread and re-hash, we have a much more covert sham that has gone undetected for years and years, and while many hold it up as beautiful display of art and talent, all it really can be is an imposter. Well, I’ve got a real problem with its perceived reverence, and I think it’s time to pull the curtain back and analyze this sham for what it really is. English or Japanese, singular or plural, it doesn’t matter to me.

That’s right. The biggest sham in literature?

HAIKU.

Yeah, haiku. It’s the form of poetry that your 6th grade teacher taught you that has never, ever had an actual impact on your life. Now we here at YAB respect poetry and we respect poets. We think sonnets are a beautiful way to convey images and feelings through words. We feel that flowery odes to urns, Grecian or otherwise, can be lovely. As parodists, we are even more impressed with poetic forms that are forced to rhyme and don’t use gap rhymes like “a bunch of trees.” Poetry is nothing that J. Evans Pritchard could ever define using a stupid mathematical calculation.

(Wow, there were a lot of obscure references in that ‘graph.)

But a haiku? No. A haiku does not belong in the same class as other poetic devices. It’s a set poetic format in which artistry must be forcefully stuffed into in order to produce its desired effect. (And by desired effect, we mean sub-par imagery.) For those lucky enough to be blanking on what exactly a haiku is, it’s a three-line poem, in which the syllables follow a 3-5-3 or 5-7-5 pattern. Each line must be an independent thought, and after reading one, you must feel like you deserve the last 8 seconds of your life back.

It’s really not hard
To stumble on a haiku
Accidentally.

Oh My God! I’m a poet, because that last sentence followed the format! In America, I could write “Poet” as my occupation on my tax returns! (except for the fact that poets, who lack income, don’t actually have taxes to file. Gah.) When this art form started in Japan, it was more about the choice of the words and the wit that came with it. Take this classic from the inventor of haiku, Matsuo Basho:

Hatsu shigure saru mo komino wo hoshige nari -- which translates to:

the first cold shower;
even the monkey seems to want
a little coat of straw.

You see? That’s, uh, brilliant. It follows Condon’s Cardinal Rule of Art. “If forced to use a sham artform (haiku, mime, reality programming), throw in a monkey for good measure.”