17 Syllables of Hell

It’s not hard to call out a sham when I see one. Take the Kansas City Royals, for instance. That franchise is a sham. They didn’t spend 55 million dollars on mediocre pitcher Gil Meche because they actually want to climb out of the AL Central basement. They spent 55 million dollars on Gil Meche because the public will see them making the effort to improve talent by spending money. That’s a sham.

Defined, a sham is a fraud or a hoax. Britney Spears’ marriage? SHAM! The importance of the Golden Globes? SHAM! YouTube’s Lonelygirl15? SHAM! The decorative outward covering of a pillow? SHAM!

But you see, none of the above shams are news to you. I’m not exactly the first on their respective scenes to debunk any myths surrounding them. But that wasn’t the goal of this post. Rather the re-tread and re-hash, we have a much more covert sham that has gone undetected for years and years, and while many hold it up as beautiful display of art and talent, all it really can be is an imposter. Well, I’ve got a real problem with its perceived reverence, and I think it’s time to pull the curtain back and analyze this sham for what it really is. English or Japanese, singular or plural, it doesn’t matter to me.

That’s right. The biggest sham in literature?

HAIKU.

Yeah, haiku. It’s the form of poetry that your 6th grade teacher taught you that has never, ever had an actual impact on your life. Now we here at YAB respect poetry and we respect poets. We think sonnets are a beautiful way to convey images and feelings through words. We feel that flowery odes to urns, Grecian or otherwise, can be lovely. As parodists, we are even more impressed with poetic forms that are forced to rhyme and don’t use gap rhymes like “a bunch of trees.” Poetry is nothing that J. Evans Pritchard could ever define using a stupid mathematical calculation.

(Wow, there were a lot of obscure references in that ‘graph.)

But a haiku? No. A haiku does not belong in the same class as other poetic devices. It’s a set poetic format in which artistry must be forcefully stuffed into in order to produce its desired effect. (And by desired effect, we mean sub-par imagery.) For those lucky enough to be blanking on what exactly a haiku is, it’s a three-line poem, in which the syllables follow a 3-5-3 or 5-7-5 pattern. Each line must be an independent thought, and after reading one, you must feel like you deserve the last 8 seconds of your life back.

It’s really not hard
To stumble on a haiku
Accidentally.

Oh My God! I’m a poet, because that last sentence followed the format! In America, I could write “Poet” as my occupation on my tax returns! (except for the fact that poets, who lack income, don’t actually have taxes to file. Gah.) When this art form started in Japan, it was more about the choice of the words and the wit that came with it. Take this classic from the inventor of haiku, Matsuo Basho:

Hatsu shigure saru mo komino wo hoshige nari -- which translates to:

the first cold shower;
even the monkey seems to want
a little coat of straw.

You see? That’s, uh, brilliant. It follows Condon’s Cardinal Rule of Art. “If forced to use a sham artform (haiku, mime, reality programming), throw in a monkey for good measure.”