Cond-nominations 2009

You know why kids want to play on travel soccer teams? It's not the competition from neighboring townships, nor is it the bragging rights of representing your town. It has nothing to do with playing for a squad with an official name instead of a number (suck it, District 5). Travel team perks start and end with one thing: uniforms.

Upon making my first team, the Medford Warriors, at age 11, I hoped at every practice that the evening would conclude with a post-scrimmage distribution of jerseys. Going into it, I planned on doing whatever it took to get my favorite number at time: 9. Don't quite know why I was a fan of 9 - I don't remember being a huge Von Hayes or Pelle Eklund fan. But I was determined to don that digit. When the time came, I reached into the box and pulled out my 9. Was it really that easy? It certainly seemed so. You know, until I held up the shirt and saw my 9...

...was up-side down.

Since that moment, the number 6 has been my lucky number. Let's hope that the case with my 6th Annual Predictions of the Academy Award Nominations. Last year, I ended up with an average 32 out of 40. Here goes nothing...

Best Picture
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
The Dark Knight
Frost/Nixon
Milk
Slumdog Millionaire

Best Director
Darren Aronofsky, The Wrestler
Danny Boyle, Slumdog Millionaire
David Fincher, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Ron Howard, Frost/Nixon
Christopher Nolan, The Dark Knight

Best Actor
Clint Eastwood, Gran Torino
Frank Langella, Frost/Nixon
Sean Penn, Milk
Brad Pitt, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Mickey Rourke, The Wrestler

Best Actress
Anne Hathaway, Rachel Getting Married
Sally Hawkins, Happy-Go-Lucky
Melissa Leo, Frozen River
Meryl Streep, Doubt
Kate Winslet, Revolutionary Road

Best Supporting Actor
Josh Brolin, Milk
Robert Downey Jr., Tropic Thunder
Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Doubt
Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight
Dev Patel, Slumdog Millionaire

Best Supporting Actress
Penelope Cruz, Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Viola Davis, Doubt
Taraji P. Henson, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Marissa Tomei, The Wrestler
Kate Winslet, The Reader

Best Original Screenplay
Happy-Go-Lucky
Milk
Vicky Cristina Barcelona
WALL-E
The Wrestler

Best Adapted Screenplay
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
The Dark Knight
Doubt
Frost/Nixon
Slumdog Millionaire

Drowning in the Baby Pool

In my list of New Year's Resolutions, I have to admit that one of them begs for a a backstory:

12. Avoid any further wagers as to whether or not a friend or colleague is potentially pregnant. I'm folding my hand on that one for now.

You can stop your groveling, Number 12. For the backstory follows, in the form of an e-mail I sent to one Jasen Andersen shortly after the incident. Enjoy.

-----------------------------------

Jasen, I have a confession to make.

So at the beginning of November, I headed back to NJ for a funeral for Christina Toms' father. Much of my high school group also made said trip. As Christina is delivering her beautiful eulogy of her father, Kristen Morea (of DtK fame) teared up to the point where she had to sit down. Her husband tended to her, and after gaining the strength, she returned to the group.

En route to the burial, the topic of Kristen's self-excusal from standing arose. While Kristen's explanation was that she simply overheated (it was a tad warm in the church), one Karen Yelito opined: "Kristen's totally pregnant."

The skeptic and brother-sister rival in me immediately called Karen a heretic and explained that it was indeed what Kristen said it was - a mere moment of emotion and humidity colliding. While there have been a run of pregnancies in the Shawnee Group as of late, I felt that a mere need for some air does not automatically dictate a child in utero. Karen's response?

"Oh, you wanna bet?"

So we bet.

There's no point in betting unless you can win something you really want, so I called it: "If Kristen does not produce a child by 1 August next year, I win. You will have to buy me Wawa food and deliver it to my door in Virginia." Karen accepted. And since I was so sure of my correctness, I pretty much agreed to whatever terms she wanted. After all, it's not like I'd have a need to pay up. "If Kristen is pregnant, you need to visit me in Maryland and you must bring Jasen Andersen along." I accepted. Then Karen got greedy:

"And Liz Grimm."

"No." The bet was already final.

This week, we get an e-mail to our listserve:

So Kristen & I figured we'd follow the crowd and also let everyoneknow that Kristen is pregnant as well. She is due June 15th. Too soonto know the gender but everything is going great so far.

My immediate resply to Karen: SONOFABITCH.

Post-script: So Jasen has agreed to bail me out (with the help of Grimm) as we head to Maryland sometime in the New Year. In other news, I'm still craving Wawa.

It's the Final Walkdown

Who names a band after a continent, anyway?

Welcome back to your place of work. Did you have a nice vacation? Lord knows I sure did. Get something good for Christmas? I know I did. Little did I know that when I asked Santa to bring me a "Massive Peter King Meltdown of Seismic Proportions," he'd come through in the clutch. I guess you can count on a jolly fat man this time of year.

Both of them.

But before we get to the results, let's rant a bit. As my Facebook status broadcasted the Monday following the season's end, "MERRY FOOTBALL CHRISTMAS," Week 17 was indeed a time for the stars to align. First and foremost, the Eagles made the playoffs because 1) they steamrolled the damn Dallas Cowboys, the 2) Houston Texans hosted an improbably victory over the Bears, and 3) the Oakland Raiders (?!?) went to (!?!) Tampa Bay and won (!!!), thereby sending Philly to the postseason. What's more - the Redskins lost to end 8-8 and the Dolphins defeated the Jets at the Meadowlands to send the Patriots unfairly home for January. Talk about a Christmas miracle.

The day following, Peter King let me down. Again.

After all, his favorite topics all backfired on that fateful Sunday: Brett Favre proved yet again that closing one's eyes and throwing deep rarely wins football games, the Patriots off-season speculation as to the rehab of Thomas Brady, and Peyton Manning played a series and then sat the rest of the game against the Titans. And somehow, King focuses his attention on how Rod Marinelli's a good guy.

But what is overlooked in all this is the fact that in a week in which the Predictorate AVERAGED a 12-4 week, Peter King goes 9-7. Hey everybody, here's a massive 3-game gift to close out your season. And boy did it help turn the tide.

Week 17 Podium
Everyone's a winner this week, but especially Greg Winsky, who went 14-2. Just like Charlie Manuel, this guy knows how to finish. Going 13-3? Just about everyone else.

Did I mentioned PK went 9-7?

Hey, We Dethroned the King!

1. JOSH STOCK (173-82) +11 over PK, -2 under 2007 -- Despite being 2 games off his 2007 mark, Stock took control of the top spot in Week 12 and never looked back. How can someone so good at picking winner not understand how to work the e-mail? Congrats, Josh. E-mail me your address for your wicked sweet prize.
2. ROB HARFORD (171-84) +9 over PK, punted in 2007 -- In his e-mails to me, Harford was always one to question the Vegas spreads and explain rationally how Sin City is trying to drive him mentally insane. Rob was a Top 5 stalwart all year and clearly the Mayor of Blogtown.
3. CHRIS CONDON (170-85) +8 over PK, +3 over 2007 -- Vindicated. Way to get your bronze on.
4. ALEX PYKE (168-87) +6 over PK, +19 over 2007 -- An improvement of nearly 20 games? Maybe you should have a child every football season, Pyke.
5. KATIE CONDON (167-88) +5 over PK, -14 under 2007 -- Who new picking favorites and home teams in close games could yield consistently stellar results? Also, Nordberg thinks she's a witch.
6. (5th) MIKE NORDBERG (167-88), +5 over PK, +3 over 2007 -- Nordbergs do their best when picking a week in advance when going on vacation with limited internet access. I guess Mike vacations a hell of a lot more than Chris.
7. (5th) LIZ ARSENAULT (167-88) +5 over PK, +1 over 2007 -- With every pick sheet, Liz is always kind enough to wish me well or ask how things are. For 17 weeks, I ignored her in the name of statistical tabulation. To which I now replay: I am well, Liz. Thanks for asking!
8. STEWART ROBINETTE (166-89) +4 over PK, +1 over 2007 -- No man has perfected the "My Out-of-Office Message is Up, but I'm totally sitting at my desk waiting for this week's Pick Sheet" better than Mr. Robinette
9. (8th) KRISTIN FISCHER (166-89) +4 over PK, -1 under 2007 -- Kristin always emails her picks to her husband via carbon copy when submitting. It's like she's taunting him.
10. STEVE PHILLIPS (165-90) +3 over PK, +6 over 2007 -- And what's more - he won our Condon Fantasy League this year. Welcome to the Club, Commish.
11. JIM CONDON (164-91) +2 over PK, Rookie -- Jim checks in at 11 as the highest ranked rookie of the year. He's our Matt Ryan, you know, if Matt Ryan lived in upstate New York and looked frightenly similar to my father.
12. JON ROGERS (164-91) +2 over PK, +13 over 2007 -- Don't Mess with Texas.
13. ROB THOMPSON (163-92) +1 over PK, Rookie -- Thanks to the Chargers Sunday night win vs. Denver, you came out on top. Congrats.

Here lies PETER KING at 162-93. Since Peter King follows professional football for a living, and you, well, don't, we give the tie to the Predictorate. This allows us to welcome these two into our Winner's Circle.:

T-14. JACQUES ARSENAULT (162-93), EVEN, +1 over 2007 and DAVE REIF (162-93), EVEN, Rookie

As for the rest of the field:

• JOHN CONDON (161-94), -1 under PK, +5 over 2007
• JASEN ANDERSEN (160-95) -2 under PK, -3 under 2007
• GREG WINSKY (160-95) -2 under PK, Rookie
• JEFF COLLINS (159-96) -3 under PK, -7 under 2007
• DAN ENTWISTLE (158-97) -4 under PK, Rookie
• TIM FISCHER (158-97) -4 under PK, -4 under 2007
• DAN JENKINS (158-97) -4 under PK, Rookie
• NORDBERG (157-98) -5 under PK, Rookie
• MARK RITTER (157-98) -5 under PK, +1 over 2007
• SPUD MELLOR (157-98) -5 under PK, -4 under 2007
• KRISTEN MOREA (156-99) -6 under PK, -14 under 2007
• MATTIAS CARO (156-99) -6 under PK, -7 under 2007
• CHRIS SMITH (151-104) -11 under PK, Rookie
• BROOKE JENKINS (149-106) -13 under PK, Rookie
• JOE DUNKLEMAN (147-108) -15 under PK, Rookie

THERE'S NO I IN TEAM, BUT THERE IS ME

Congrats to the two-headed monster of Time Zone Rebellion, defeating Blogtown by 3.5 games. I guess it pays to have your score count 50% when you're in first place. Raquette Ballers placed third, followed by Hello McFly and DC United (tie), First Wives Club, Disciples of Chris, 36th and Asbury, Manhattan Transfer, Heels of Tar, and Renegade FC.

Congrats on a great season, and we'll see you all next year. I'll be in contact with our winners.

The Resolute 59

Looking back in the archives, I haven't been one for New Year's Resolutions. I've been one for grammatical variances, I've been one for statistical reflection, and at a complete lack of ideas for novel change, I'm sure I've been one for closing the daily blogging gap. The Second Coming of YAB looks back at those efforts fondly, but finds them devoid of any actual commitment to change.

So for 2009, we stop hiding behind creative prose and comedic devices and actually lay out this list of New Years' Resolutions. Since we're only 19 hours into 2009, it's probably not too late to compile a compendium of wishful thoughts and pipe dreams. Let's get our list on.

1. Come up with a better name than the Second Coming of YAB. Writing is hard enough; I don't need a God complex on my watch.
2. Put up decorative shelving in the master bath and a dome light in the master bedroom. And thus, vanquish the dreaded "Punchlist Projects."
3. Wait. That was two. Ok, the dome light is number 3.
   
4. Go through my clothes and donate to a worthy cause. Or at the very least, an unworthy cause with convenient collection locales.
5. Prevent all people I know from using 0-Ten for a shortened version of the year 2010. That's not gonna fly.
6. Document on paper or blog something on witnessing the first Philly sports championship since I was 3.
7. Lose a total number of pounds that correspond with the jersey number of a kicker or single-digit quarterback.
8. Do my part to make Melt Your Face-Off a Top 3 Hockey Blog on the Internets.
9. Not break a single pair of sunglasses.
10. Retroactively get hooked on Friday Night Lights.
11. Retroactively watch every episode of The West Wing for the first time.
12. Avoid any further wagers as to whether or not a friend or colleague is potentially pregnant. I'm folding my hand on that one for now.
13. Own and read 4 biographies of former United States Presidents.
14. Cut together the funniest Oscar Video yet, leaving only emergency reshoots for Oscar weekend.
15. Document in every way possible the ever-evolving childhood of Clara Grace.
16. Make sure she's a lefty.
17. Lose a total number of pounds that correspond with the jersey number of a wide receiver too cool to wear a number in the eighties.
18. Finally watch Schindler's List and Chariots of Fire, two Best Pictures I've owned for years and never watched.
19. Reward those who have Dethroned the King over the last two years with proper prizes and accolades.
20. Drive an Audi.
21. Drive a Volkswagen.
22. Daydream about driving a Bugatti.
23. Expand my prowess in the sports blogging community.
24. Teach Clara Col. Jessup's "You Can't Handle the Truth" monologue from a Few Good Men.
25. Remember people's birthdays.
26. Buy Katie flowers for no apparent reason at least three times this year.
27. Organize my mp3s, and once and for all decide what my favorite song is.
28. Organize my DVDs, and once and for all decide what my favortie movie is.
29. See a Flyers game at the Wachovia Center.
30. Return some dinner invitations for once and host friends here in Centreville.
31. Abolish the phrase "cool beans" in all circles of communication.
32. Replace my cell phone.
33. In the spirit of Mookie, name my work laptop.
34. Lose a total number of pounds that correspond with the jersey number of a defensive back or running back.
35. Run a six minute mile.
36. Not die after running a six minute mile.
37. Teach Clara either calculus or how to ride a tricycle.
38. Begin learning German.
39. Not allow laundry to pile up in front of my dresser.
40. Go skiing.
41. Attend Guys Trip VIII.
42. Occasionally cross-post at The Virginia Condons.
43. Visit a new state.
44. Wear a watch.
45. Learn to cook ribs on the grill.
46. Make it to the CAN Final Four in softball come August.
47. Lose a total number of pounds that correspond a number greater than my age.
48. Take Katie out to a nice dinner.
49. Cook Katie a nice dinner.
50. Win some free food by throwing my business card in the fishbowls of local dining establishments.
51. Convince one friend or family member to drive a Volkswagen or Audi.
52. See Number 50, Mom.
53. Meet another member of our MYFO Staff in person.
54. Go to a concert at Wolf Trap.
55. Lose this number of pounds.
56. Keep my leased cars immaculate in presentation.
57. Find a Wawa within an 8 mile radius of my house.
58. Get paid to blog.
59. End this list on a random, unexpected number.
    

Rock Back and Fire

In 101 minutes, 2009 will be here. The year 2009 will bring upon the 5th Anniversary of You're a Blog. Who feels old now? (Jamie Moyer, put your hand down.)

In the early days of YAB, my writing was constrained by many parameters. For one, I was leading a life that endured more repetition that your average episode of Scrubs. (Only with less life lessons set to the music of Jack Johnson or The Fray.) I had a regular office job, lived in a regular apartment, and drove a regular car in regular traffic. I rooted for above-average sports teams, shopped for a regular list of groceries on a regular basis, and had a regular sleep schedule where I slept regularly in the same place in my regular apartment every night.

Okay, scratch the last one.

In this blog's infancy, I aimed to be different despite all above the above regularities. And in most cases in this world, "difference" can be defined by an adherence to a bare minimum of rules and standards. And yet, it was the Rules and Standards that I set for YAB that forced my template for bringing the funny. Some of these rules included:

• Blogging on a daily basis, meaning every single weekday including the occasional "observed Monday" holiday.
• Missing one of these clearly defined blogging days results in working harder on a subsequent day, blogging multiple times.
• A complete refusal to report or blog about something that the news media has already done the work on. If you want to know what's going on in the world, read CNN.
  
• A complete refusal to achieve reader traffic by artificial means, such as e-mail blasting, linking to places for a free pingback, and skywriting. Oh, how I loathe the skywriting.
• Posts must be at least 500 words. You know, because verbosity is the soul of wit.
  
• Always strive to be funny.
• Always strive to not be not funny.

You see how complex I made being "different?" With these many rules, I could probably put together an excellent romantic comedy script for the likes of Greg Kinnear and Sandra Bullock by now.

So now, a mere 92 minutes before 2009 is upon us, I've decided to return. What caused this? Bad Chinese?

(I'm no racist.)

You can attribute this second coming to two people, whether they know it or not. Let's review their casefiles. (Fictitious middle names have been added to protect the innocent.)

1. Robert Eugene Rockhound Harford - Of all the people who I led out of the darkness and into the blogging world, Rob has been the closest mirror image I've had. I'm sure somewhere in my archives I can pull that national anthem I wrote for his blog as proof. The nice thing about Rob is he never forgets. Whether it's a subtle jab at my inactivity or an incessant thirst for some Hi-8 videotape I have buried in a box from a 2003 camping trip, he remembers. He could be an almanac, you know, if almanacs had calves the size of whole chickens.
   
2. Frances Santana Moss Reynolds - (heck, just using her real first name has rendered her anonymous) It may have been a simple compliment at a Christmas party, but it meant more than you know. Thanks for reading.

So here we are. 83 minutes from an epic match between a giant crystal ball and gravity and I'm giving it another run. Gone are many of the rules that led to this blog's crushing demise. Here to stay are some new...guidelines.

• Any time your color scheme matched that of an 0-16 football team, it's time to tweak.
• I'll leave the Daily gig to Jon Stewart. Be prepared for exciting bouts of sporadic regularity!
• I can't believe what I'm about to type: PROPER TIME AND DATE STAMPING.
• Crossposting to Facebook, so random classmates from middle school can be in the know.
• Did I mention the PROPER TIME and DATE STAMPING?

You know why Phillies' pitcher Brett Myers was so effective in the playoffs after a tumultuous season that saw him eating on a Triple-A per diem in July? He stopped thinking about how to pitch and what he had to do with each and every pitch. He stopped adhering to rules. He rocked back and fired.

Not a bad mantra for 2009. This is going to be fun.