It's the Final Walkdown

Who names a band after a continent, anyway?

Welcome back to your place of work. Did you have a nice vacation? Lord knows I sure did. Get something good for Christmas? I know I did. Little did I know that when I asked Santa to bring me a "Massive Peter King Meltdown of Seismic Proportions," he'd come through in the clutch. I guess you can count on a jolly fat man this time of year.

Both of them.

But before we get to the results, let's rant a bit. As my Facebook status broadcasted the Monday following the season's end, "MERRY FOOTBALL CHRISTMAS," Week 17 was indeed a time for the stars to align. First and foremost, the Eagles made the playoffs because 1) they steamrolled the damn Dallas Cowboys, the 2) Houston Texans hosted an improbably victory over the Bears, and 3) the Oakland Raiders (?!?) went to (!?!) Tampa Bay and won (!!!), thereby sending Philly to the postseason. What's more - the Redskins lost to end 8-8 and the Dolphins defeated the Jets at the Meadowlands to send the Patriots unfairly home for January. Talk about a Christmas miracle.

The day following, Peter King let me down. Again.

After all, his favorite topics all backfired on that fateful Sunday: Brett Favre proved yet again that closing one's eyes and throwing deep rarely wins football games, the Patriots off-season speculation as to the rehab of Thomas Brady, and Peyton Manning played a series and then sat the rest of the game against the Titans. And somehow, King focuses his attention on how Rod Marinelli's a good guy.

But what is overlooked in all this is the fact that in a week in which the Predictorate AVERAGED a 12-4 week, Peter King goes 9-7. Hey everybody, here's a massive 3-game gift to close out your season. And boy did it help turn the tide.

Week 17 Podium
Everyone's a winner this week, but especially Greg Winsky, who went 14-2. Just like Charlie Manuel, this guy knows how to finish. Going 13-3? Just about everyone else.

Did I mentioned PK went 9-7?

Hey, We Dethroned the King!

1. JOSH STOCK (173-82) +11 over PK, -2 under 2007 -- Despite being 2 games off his 2007 mark, Stock took control of the top spot in Week 12 and never looked back. How can someone so good at picking winner not understand how to work the e-mail? Congrats, Josh. E-mail me your address for your wicked sweet prize.
2. ROB HARFORD (171-84) +9 over PK, punted in 2007 -- In his e-mails to me, Harford was always one to question the Vegas spreads and explain rationally how Sin City is trying to drive him mentally insane. Rob was a Top 5 stalwart all year and clearly the Mayor of Blogtown.
3. CHRIS CONDON (170-85) +8 over PK, +3 over 2007 -- Vindicated. Way to get your bronze on.
4. ALEX PYKE (168-87) +6 over PK, +19 over 2007 -- An improvement of nearly 20 games? Maybe you should have a child every football season, Pyke.
5. KATIE CONDON (167-88) +5 over PK, -14 under 2007 -- Who new picking favorites and home teams in close games could yield consistently stellar results? Also, Nordberg thinks she's a witch.
6. (5th) MIKE NORDBERG (167-88), +5 over PK, +3 over 2007 -- Nordbergs do their best when picking a week in advance when going on vacation with limited internet access. I guess Mike vacations a hell of a lot more than Chris.
7. (5th) LIZ ARSENAULT (167-88) +5 over PK, +1 over 2007 -- With every pick sheet, Liz is always kind enough to wish me well or ask how things are. For 17 weeks, I ignored her in the name of statistical tabulation. To which I now replay: I am well, Liz. Thanks for asking!
8. STEWART ROBINETTE (166-89) +4 over PK, +1 over 2007 -- No man has perfected the "My Out-of-Office Message is Up, but I'm totally sitting at my desk waiting for this week's Pick Sheet" better than Mr. Robinette
9. (8th) KRISTIN FISCHER (166-89) +4 over PK, -1 under 2007 -- Kristin always emails her picks to her husband via carbon copy when submitting. It's like she's taunting him.
10. STEVE PHILLIPS (165-90) +3 over PK, +6 over 2007 -- And what's more - he won our Condon Fantasy League this year. Welcome to the Club, Commish.
11. JIM CONDON (164-91) +2 over PK, Rookie -- Jim checks in at 11 as the highest ranked rookie of the year. He's our Matt Ryan, you know, if Matt Ryan lived in upstate New York and looked frightenly similar to my father.
12. JON ROGERS (164-91) +2 over PK, +13 over 2007 -- Don't Mess with Texas.
13. ROB THOMPSON (163-92) +1 over PK, Rookie -- Thanks to the Chargers Sunday night win vs. Denver, you came out on top. Congrats.

Here lies PETER KING at 162-93. Since Peter King follows professional football for a living, and you, well, don't, we give the tie to the Predictorate. This allows us to welcome these two into our Winner's Circle.:

T-14. JACQUES ARSENAULT (162-93), EVEN, +1 over 2007 and DAVE REIF (162-93), EVEN, Rookie

As for the rest of the field:

• JOHN CONDON (161-94), -1 under PK, +5 over 2007
• JASEN ANDERSEN (160-95) -2 under PK, -3 under 2007
• GREG WINSKY (160-95) -2 under PK, Rookie
• JEFF COLLINS (159-96) -3 under PK, -7 under 2007
• DAN ENTWISTLE (158-97) -4 under PK, Rookie
• TIM FISCHER (158-97) -4 under PK, -4 under 2007
• DAN JENKINS (158-97) -4 under PK, Rookie
• NORDBERG (157-98) -5 under PK, Rookie
• MARK RITTER (157-98) -5 under PK, +1 over 2007
• SPUD MELLOR (157-98) -5 under PK, -4 under 2007
• KRISTEN MOREA (156-99) -6 under PK, -14 under 2007
• MATTIAS CARO (156-99) -6 under PK, -7 under 2007
• CHRIS SMITH (151-104) -11 under PK, Rookie
• BROOKE JENKINS (149-106) -13 under PK, Rookie
• JOE DUNKLEMAN (147-108) -15 under PK, Rookie

THERE'S NO I IN TEAM, BUT THERE IS ME

Congrats to the two-headed monster of Time Zone Rebellion, defeating Blogtown by 3.5 games. I guess it pays to have your score count 50% when you're in first place. Raquette Ballers placed third, followed by Hello McFly and DC United (tie), First Wives Club, Disciples of Chris, 36th and Asbury, Manhattan Transfer, Heels of Tar, and Renegade FC.

Congrats on a great season, and we'll see you all next year. I'll be in contact with our winners.

Dethronified!

Longest dramatic pause. Ever.

I give you the FINAL RESULTS OF YAB’S DETHRONE THE KING ’07!

Wow, what a season. The nice thing about running a pool such as this one is the fact that even if first place is out of reach, mediocre beat writers keep everyone in striking distance of glory. And this year has been no exception, as Peter King failed to deliver accurate predictions on a weekly basis and proved me right yet again. Can a casual football fan outpick a man whose job it is to analyze and dissect the great fame of football?

Yes. 13 times over.

13 of you ably bested the King in our 256 game Pickdown. Some did it by the narrowest of margins, like Mattias Caro – who rode a 12-4 final week to overtake Pedro Rex. And some did it by DESTROYING ALL LOGIC WHATSOEVER. Katie Condon outlasted King by 17 games. That’s right. If this had been a competition between just the two of them. She could have rested all her picks in Week 17 and still clinched with ease. In fact, in the SI.com competition, where there are over 50,000 entries, Katie would have finished in a tie for 8th.

Even I can't make that up.

Peter King ended the season at 162-84, good enough for a 14th place tie in a 26 person pool. My, that’s average. And considering we lost four valiant Shawnee Groupers over the waning weeks, that makes his efforts far less impressive. That said, I award the SAV ROCCA BETTER LUCK NEXT YEAR AWARD to those who punted – Karen Yelito, David Kull, Rob Harford, and Joseph Brescia.

To our champ, Katie Condon, goes the YON MIGHTY THRONE AWARD. She has won herself first place, a wicked sweet NFL prize (TBD), and folklore. Lots and lots of folklore. (Clara, when you were very little, Mommy should have gone to Vegas a lot more. She didn’t, which is why you’re stuck in your room writing college scholarship essays.) (179-77)

Second place goes to Josh Stock, as well as the HACK THE PLANET AWARD. Stock, came on very late in the year to break up the ladies’ tea party on the podium. Of course it should be noted that his two best weeks occurred when technology failed him. A returned e-mail and a Blackberry botch coincided with two weeks totaling 29-1. To avoid skepticism next year, Josh, get some training on these newfangled gadgets. We hear great things on the radio about Computer Learning Center. (175-81)

Third place and the MIGHTY PARADOX AWARD goes to Kristen Morea. Not only were her picks worthy of a mainstay locale on the Podium, they often were sent to me with an e-mail that said something like, “I’m totally going to suck this week” or “Man, these were hard ones!.” Liar. (170-86)

In a tie for fourth place, we have Kristen Fischer and, yes, Me. Let’s see, what do we have in common? We don’t hold spousal superiority, since I got housed by mine. Hey, we like musicals! Yeah, that’s it. So Kristen, join me in accepting this HOW WE GONNA PAY LAST YEAR’S RENT award. Cash prizes rarely fall off the podium, and that’s precisely we’re we’ve landed. (167-89)

Who likes a sixth place tie? Jeff Collins and Liz Arsenault. Liz gets the PERFECT 10 Award – which isn’t necessarily good. It just points out that she got exactly 10 games right in a week 7 times. Collins gets the SNEAKY FAST Award, for distancing himself from the Ocean City contingent in a matter of weeks without anyone realizing it. (166-90)

All alone in 8th place is Stewart Robinette. Somebody give him a hug. And a symbolic award. (165-91)

A three-way tie for ninth finds Eric Goldman, Jasen Andersen, and Mike Nordberg huddled together, two games ahead of Peter King. Goldman wins the RETURN TO SENDER Award, for emailing me his picks within 40 seconds of the email going out, Andersen gets the HAIL TO THE REDSKINS Award, as he boldly went where no one else dared – Washington over New England – and Mike Nordberg gets MOST IMPROVED. He rebounded from dead last early on to dethrone the King. Mike, can you please get your slacker brother in on this action next year? (164-92)

12th place – the DOUBLE CUTTING IT CLOSE Award – goes to the aforementioned Mattias Caro, as well as Christina Toms. Along with Jon Rogers, Toms made compiling the picks highly enjoyable, as she provided insights and vignettes on every single game. (163-93)

And finally, in 13th – the TIE GOES TO THE FISCHER Award is bestowed upon Tim Fischer, who picked up a game on PK in Week 16 and hung on in 17 to maintain pace. (If it helps, Tim, it was the Eagles over the Saints that got you caught up.) Because of your worthy effort and homerism, we will count you as a winner. While you may not have dethroned him, you probably were the one who hired the court jester to annoy him from here to the Pro Bowl.

For those who fell short, my condolences. There will be next year, and Peter King will be fatter. The full standings are posted in the side bar, and will be there until March Madness. Thank you all for participating, and we will see you next year! For those who did in fact Dethrone the King, I’ll e-mail concerning your slightly less wicked sweet prize.

One Last Cup of Joe

Joe Gibbs is retiring this afternoon.

I’m no Redskins fan, so you may be surprised to find me writing a post that eugoogilizes the career of a rival head coach. However, as a sports fan who has recently purchased real estate in the heart of Redskins Nation, I feel qualified enough to write a quick post about Coach Gibbs and what he’s accomplished in his second stint in Washington. Hey, if nothing else, I’ll probably piss off Mattias enough into getting a comment, right?

And before I begin, let me assuage the tension and inevitable comparisons to my team, the Eagles. The Eagles are not without their problems, and this off-season in particular could have a enormous impact on the next five years. (My thoughts? Keep Donovan McNabb, pay Westbrook for what he’s done, eat the cap space and cut Kearse or Howard, let L.J. Smith walk, sign a FB in free agency, pick a DB with your 1st rounder, and OT with your second, and replace the word “Lewis” with “Machine” on all of #83’s jerseys.) But enough about the Birds. Onto the ‘Skins.

Joe Gibbs’ second tour of Washington lasted four seasons. He inherited a team that had gone 5-11 under Steve Spurrier, and had approximately 37 University of Florida Gators on the roster. And we’re not just talking quarterbacks and speedy D-linemen – I swear they had 4 white wide receivers on that team (remember Chris Doerring?) From that last Spurrier team, only Ethan Albright, Randy Thomas, Chris Samuels, Jon Jansen, Rock Cartwright, and Ladell Betts remain. All are worthy, even if Ethan Albright is the worst player in the NFL. Aside, from some stalwart linemen, the team you’ve been enjoying under Gibbs for the last four years has been Gibbs’ team.

Or at least the one Dan Snyder got him for Christmas.

Regardless of what Gibbs was capable of on the field, his return to D.C. is a reflection of the players that owner Dan Snyder insisted on overpaying. Take this analogy. All Joe Gibbs wants for Christmas is a necktie. He got a mustard stain on his last necktie, and he needs to replace it in the rotation. Dan Snyder asked him what he wanted, and he asked for a necktie. It’s not asking for much – it’s a practical, sensible, respected gift.

“Hey, Joe! I hope you like this shiny Segway! Merry Christmas!”

The Redskins have never really had a chance to compete during Gibbs’ second tenure because of the terrible personnel moves that they have made. Insistent on making a splash, Snyder has thrown major cash and some players who have become decent (Springs, Carter, Randle El) and some disasters (Lloyd, Archuleta, and yes, Brunell.) They’ve had no regard for the importance of the draft, which is a shame. Because when they DO draft, they actually do a nice job (Campbell, McIntosh). But because of poor team management, draft picks are squandered. This team has no middle class. Because of Snyder’s ways, you’ve got a bunch of marquee stars and undrafted free agents. When you pay the big guys the big bucks, there isn’t much money left for, I don’t know, RESERVES. Under this plan, the Redskins will never go deep because of a lack of depth. It’s like the Sixers with Iverson. Until Snyder goes, they’re not going anywhere.

But what of Joe 2.0? 31-36 isn’t nearly the 140-65 of the good old days. I feel he never really figured out the new NFL. It’s a different game than in the 80’s – a game that Gibbs owned – and I don’t think his coaching style fit. That’s why so many new rookie coaches are finding success – they grew up watching and playing the new-style NFL. This team’s inability to hold a halftime lead haunted Gibbs, who got overly conservative when he was up a few. Sometimes he threw challenge flags because he liked to see them fly through the air. And man, are timeouts fun! In succession. Inducing 15-yard penalties. To lose a game.

Dagger.

Goodbye, Joe Gibbs. We’ll see you at the next Bee Gees reunion tour. A moving truck will be by your office shortly to haul of Al Saunders’ freaking play book.

Down Goes...Everybody?

Let’s say you’re an event planner, and you’ve been tasked with hosting the social event of the season. Based on your past efforts, pretty much everyone expects a quality effort out of your camp. Now you know what it takes to put together a respectable soirée, and the vendors you choose to support you have a well-known history and you know whether or not you can count on them in the clutch. Sure, they are 7-9 other parties going on the same night, so vendor contracts are one-per-party, but hey, you’ve done your homework.

Fantasy football is not unlike the above scenario; proper planning and track record are the co-names of the game. You do your homework by picking a proper team in your draft and not signing damaged goods. Take a quarterback’s offensive line. If his team’s front office lets its two Pro Bowl tackles walk in the off-season, leaving last year’s backups and this year’s rookies, this QB will be running for his life all season long. You can see this coming a mile away, and you can plan around it.

Take the weather, for example. An event planner can get round-the-clock meteorological updates and know ahead of time that he just might need to keep that vendor with the outdoor tent supply on Line 2 in case of rain. You can see weather coming. You can see a paper-thin O-Line. These things are predictable. But in either scenario – whether it was the gridiron or the gala – one can’t plan for the unexpected.

This year, my team has been hit by the unexpected. If my fantasy squad were a social-to-do, it just got hit with the power failure that blacked out the city grid. Who saw this coming?

I know reading about somebody else’s fantasy football team isn’t exactly page-scrolling material, but this catastrophic maelstrom of woe that has befell my mighty squad is so remarkable that I beg you to continue. If you don’t, well then, you may have the same fate they did.

Coming into this year, I was the reigning champ in a league that has some Monrovians and some Bristolians, commish’ed by one Jon Rogers. I won last year largely due to an excellent draft, and a little luck (Mattias should have won, but his clinching receiver got a concussion in the 2nd quarter and finished fractions of a point behind.) Confident, I sat down at this year’s draft table to select the 10 players and 1 defense that would allow me to repeat and renew bragging rights for next off-season. (Yes, we drafted 12 rounds, but because Jon is a bench hater, I planned from Day 1 to use the last spot as a rotating waiver wire pick-up.) Let’s review, shall we?

1st Round: STEPHEN JACKSON, RB, Rams
Fate: After two slow weeks, Jackson finally looked like his Nike commercial in Week 3, posting 115 yards on the ground. He rushed 30 times, proving to be one too many. Jackson suffered a partial tear of his left groin, which I speak for all men by saying, “AUUUUUUOWWW.” We haven’t heard from Jackson since, missing the last 3 games.

2nd Round: MARVIN HARRISON, WR, Colts
Fate: In Harrison’s career prior to this season, he had missed 1 game. His durability is why I made him the highest-picked wideout in the draft. When I saw the Colts had pasted 38 points on Denver in Week 4, I was ecstatic – Marvin must have had 100 yards and at least a score, right? Stat line says! 1 catch for 8 yards? What the? “inactive with a bruised left knee?” Damn it.

4rh Round: JAMAL LEWIS, RB, Browns
Fate: I know this was a stretch, but I assure you it was a depth chart pick. However, the one way to negate depth is to develop a sort foot after getting one rush against New England last week. Lewis didn’t play this week, and was listed as “questionable” on the injury report. It appears my drafting strategy was questionable.

5th Round: ANDRE JOHNSON, WR, Texans
Fate: Hey, I remember that guy! He was awesome when he last played. IN WEEK FREAKIN’ 2. Stupid knee sprain.

6th Round: VERNON DAVIS, TE, 49ers
Fate: Last time I pick a stupid Terrapin. I had no idea Turtles were susceptible to Week 3 knee injuries. Turtles have knees?

7th Round: MATT LEINART, QB, Cardinals.
Fate: No one reminded me that you can’t spell “Leinart” without I and R. Broke his collarbone last week, done for the season.

9th Round: JAKE DELHOMME, QB, Panthers.
Fate: It would be nice to have a capable backup quarterback who can fill in when your starting quarterback breaks his collarbone. Preferably not one who needs SEASON-ENDING ELBOW surgery the same week. Cooked.

10th Round: DENVER BRONCOS, Defense
Fate: Yes, it’s impossible for 11 guys on the same unit of same team. This is true. However, when your best player, Champ Bailey, is one a first-name basis with the MRI lab, that’s not a good sign.

11th Round: JOSH SCOBEE, Kicker, Jaguars
Fate: How improbable is it for a kicker to get injured, what with the limited amount of activity required of him? That depends if I drafted him or not. Scobee must have the worst quad strain in NFL history – as he’s yet to kick anything this year.

If Edgerrin James or Laveranues Coles are reading this, you’ve been warned.

You’re next.

Dueling Previews '07: The NFC North

Finish Line! I see you!

Chicago Bears and Chuck (NBC, Mon, 8:00) – Of all the new shows coming out this fall, no show has had more intriguing or aggressive promotion than Chuck. It’s really a combination of elements that has brought Chuck about, and I think I’ve figured out the exact ingredients. First, you have Chuck – played by Zachary Levi – who looks like a bit like a “Jim-from-The-Office - plus-some-J.D.-from-Scrubs” hybrid. He’s a Best Buy-like store tech support officer, not unlike the very funny comedy setting from the 40 Year-Old Virgin. Finally, the plot has Chuck accidentally doing his job, opening an e-mail that decodes all of the government’s secrets, and now he’s a secret agent with a sexy partner. And as everybody knows, the world of sexy secret agencies is no place for a guy who knows how to hook up your printer. Meanwhile, in the Windy City, Rex Grossman (a man who was most impressive against the Vikes last year, throwing for 34 yards and 3 picks) remains the quarterback of a team with a sexy defense, an established running game, and a strong offensive line. Rex, meet Chuck. EDGE: Chuck

Detroit Lions and Kitchen Nightmares (FOX, Wed, 9:00) – Last year, the Detroit Lions were placed in this Dueling Preview Grid in the biggest mismatch ever, as an unknown show that I though had ZERO chance of survival was paired with it. The unfortunate series’ name, coinciding with the Lions’ news that one of their coaches drove through a Wendy’s naked, made it seem like a heavenly match. The Lions were awful, as expected, holding serve. Its projected failure of a TV rival? Some show called Ugly Betty. (Damn it.) This year, we hope to find a show to match with the Lions that will rival its levels of sucktitude accurately. And by gum (by gum?), we’ve found it. That show is Kitchen Nightmares, Fox’s extension of their moderately successful Hell’s Kitchen. Look, I’ve watched Hell’s Kitchen, and unless you like caustic criticism from a red-faced Brit, there’s not much to see. Cooking fans should tune into Top Chef, where the focus is more culinary, less casualty. Now, Gordon Ramsey will be coming into OTHER people’s restaurants and yelling at them. What if a boss from the company across the street came into your office and starting yelling at you? Not fun. As for the Lions, they have the right ingredients to improve by a few games this season. Assuming the only ingredient you need for said recipe is wide receivers. EDGE: Detroit Lions

Minnesota Vikings and Women’s Murder Club (ABC, Fri, 9:00) – The Women’s Murder Club is based on a series of James Patterson novels, although I’ve always noticed something screwy with them. Patterson is one of this authors who inexplicably churn out something like 20 novels a year. Of course, this is a clever rouse on behalf of the publishing company. By using James Patterson’s seal of approval, a publisher can try out new authors, and if their story sells well, maybe they’ll get a contract of their own. All in all, the WMC is a decent read – however I have no idea how it will translate to television. Women have proven their crime-fighting abilities time and time again on the various CSIs, but this will be their chance to make their mark. In a related story, Vikings quarterback throws like a girl. EDGE: Women’s Murder Club

Green Bay Packers and Pushing Daisies (ABC, Wed, 8:00) – According to the show’s synopsis, the main character, Ned, has a unique ability to bring people back to life simply by using his touch. However, if he touched them again, they would die forever. So Ned’s childhood sweetheart was murdered, and you know the Nedster went to the graveyard to rectify things – only now, any relationship they plan to maintain will have all the intimacy of a 6^th grade dance. He’s also a detective (though not a vampire), to complete the storyline. If I were the writer of this show, I would spend the first episode having Ned go to hundreds of cemeteries and touching every dead body he can dig up. That way, he’s released thousands of bodies back into the human population, resuming life as if their various illnesses/homicides/age-related deaths never happened. In Episode 2 and going forward, we resume the story arcs the original writers intended, only every now and then, Ned will touch a random stranger (the cashier at Starbucks, some businessman on the overcrowded Metro), and they will just drop dead on the spot. What an element of surprise! Hilarity would ensue. So why did I make this show the Green Bay Packers? I can’t remember. Oh, that’s right. Brett Favre is old. Brett Favre is old. Brett Favre is old. Brett Favre is old. Brett Favre is old. Brett Favre is old. Brett Favre is old. Brett Favre is old. Brett Favre is old. Brett Favre is old. Brett Favre is old. Brett Favre is old. EDGE: Pushing Daisies

Dueling Previews '07: The NFC South

I'm posting this while there's football on the television. If Trent Green completes his next completion, I will force myself to write an introduction to this column. Of course, this is a strong possibility, as long as Carlos Rogers is still on the field. But Trent Green isn't fazed by such under achievement. Let's wait and see...

Screen pass complete to Ronnie Brown for 2 yards? That shouldn't count as a completion. I'm overruling the cheating exploits of Trent Green. Let's go.

New Orleans Saints (0-1) and Big Shots (ABC, Thu, 10:00) – Surely you remember the less-than-kind words we had for Cashmere Mafia, also on ABC. Apparently, ABC has written the same show twice, but in the latter, is replacing 4 women with 4 men. The question will be whether or not this can capture the replacement male audience. If it plays like a relationship-driven drama – good luck. Your male viewing audience is busy watching CSI. But if the combination of the four actors can grab a viewing early, it has a shot with Grey’s Anatomy as a lead-in. The four actor portraying these Big Shots are Dylan McDermott, Joshua Malina, Michael Vartan, and Christopher Titus. And while their day jobs are currently unknown, we’re putting money down in Vegas that they’ll be a snarky lawyer, an energetic producer on a 3^rd-place sports news show, an agent for a highly clandestine national agency, and a smart-ass in a bowling shirt. In New Orleans, there’s room for 2 big shots on a team, and according to the league office, 3 applications were submitted. The first is Drew Brees, who came over from San Diego last year to make a star out of Marques Colston, throw clutch TDs, and almost lead his team to the Super Bowl. The second is Reggie Bush, a jack-of-all-trades back, who while electrifying at USC, has yet to find how he will leave his mark on the league. The third is Jason David, the cornerback from Indy who – what’s that? Application revoked? Oh. EDGE: New Orleans Saints

Atlanta Falcons and Samantha Who? (ABC, Mon, 9:30) – A long, long time ago, Christina Applegate proved she had comedic timing, enough to belong in any supporting cast of a major network sitcom. As a lead player, she did just okay on her own show, Jesse, in the late nineties. After that, she broke into movies in a big way, as the only woman in the testosterone-laden cast of Anchorman. Hence, it’s time to give her another shot, as a woman recovering from amnesia who’s realizing that pretty much she’s an awful person (for source material: rent 13 Going on 30 with Jennifer Garner.) Sure, amnesia is a convenient way to forget that past, but will it lead to ratings in a 9:30 time slot, often the death knell for comedies? As for the Atlanta Falcons, it might be nice to claim amnesia now. That way, they could claim no recollection of the biggest off-season story, not to mention the signing of Michael Vick’s heir, one Joseph Harrington. “Hello, sir. And you are? We signed you to what? For how many years? You must be mistaken. Maybe you’re thinking of the Carolina Panthers. They’re a big fan of giving unqualified quarterbacks second chances. EDGE: Samantha Who?

Tampa Bay Buccaneers and Journeyman (NBC, Mon, 10:00) – It’s amazing what playing your cards right can get you. Jeff Garcia, despite being a Mexican-American, headed north of the border after college spends 5 years shredding the Canadian Football League. The 49ers notices said shredding, and signed him to a multi-year deal where he paid them back with 3 Pro Bowl appearances. However, the 49ers tanked and ran out of money, and Garcia was forced to bide his time in two disappointing seasons in Cleveland and Detroit. Certainly, he questioned his ability to start in the NFL. His wife, the 2004 Playmate of the Year, is a wise sage of a gal, and told him to take a backup job for the Eagles in 2006. Once Chunky Soup 5 went down with a torn knee, Garcia led the Eagles into the playoffs, including a win over the Giants. Now, because of that card, he’s starting once again – in sunny Tampa. However, I don’t anticipate the journeyman who wears #7 faring much better than NBC’s Journeyman, which seems to be a carbon copy of Quantum Leap, but with 41% less Bakula. EDGE: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Carolina Panthers and Life is Wild (CW, Sun, 8:00) – Do you remember when Lindsay Lohan was not crazy? The last movie she made during that time was the Tina Fey-penned “Mean Girls.” I enjoyed it at the time – but now that TBS has gotten a hold of it, it will be beaten dead by the end of 2007. Do you remember why Lohan’s character was new to the school? Very good, it’s because her parents just moved to the U.S. after spending years in the African grasslands. Life is Wild takes that brilliant screenplay exposition and flips the script on Fey and Lohan. In the CW’s replacement for 7^th Heaven, a high school girl also named Katie and her family leave the States to live on an animal preserve in South Africa! That’s brilliant! Now they can draw parallels between the interaction of wild animals with Katie’s struggles to adapt to her new family (new stepmom) and surroundings. Now I’ve never been to Africa, but I’ve seen what their native animals are capable of. Take the Panther, for example. Panthers are ruthless. They don’t have to answer to anyone and can make smaller, skinnier, dumber animals pay for their idiocy. This past April, ESPN had current Carolina WR Keyshawn Johnson sit center stage as a part of their draft coverage, having an empty seat for “Loud-Mouth Receiver” since they fired Irvin. When the Panthers spent an early round pick on USC WR Dwayne Jarrett, (Johnson’s alma mater), Keyshawn praised the move and spoke about how excited he was to teach his fellow Trojan the ropes. The next day the Carolina Panthers released Keyshawn Johnson, to make room on the depth chart for Jarrett. Man, Life in the NFL is Wild. EDGE: Carolina Panthers

Dueling Previews '07: The AFC South

As with last year's previews, the NFL managed to launch their season a few days early, preventing me from having a completely unbiased view of the season pending any actual results. On Thursday night, the Indianapolis Colts defeated the New Orleans Saints 41-10 at home in the RCA dome. So just when we thought John Mellancamp could fade into oblivion, his hometown team had to go and win the first every world championship for the Hoosier State. This no doubt led to Chevrolet renewing their deal with the Coug, as it seems we're in for more of the same commercials this year.

This is ourrrrrrr country.

Now onto Peyton and the teams he gets to beat not once, but twice this season.



Indianapolis Colts (1-0) and Cavemen (ABC, Tue, 8:00) – How did Peyton Manning not get a slot on the new fall primetime schedule? Peyton Manning, whose laser rocket arm endorses Sprint, was brilliant on Saturday Night Live last year. He, who was born from a rain-soaked Gatorade football, turned in the best commercial sketch in a decade with the United Way spoof. Manning, who thinks you should switch to DirectTV, did a ridiculous dance in the locker room sketch and got many laughs in the process. And yet #18, who never thinks it’s a bad time to use his Mastercard, is a Super Bowl MVP without a new pilot on any major network. But you know what? The Cavemen, who think you could save money on your car insurance by switching to Geico, have a prime comedy slot on ABC on Tuesdays. I tell you, Peyton Manning (who wears Reebok and wants you to as well), will find a way to get his revenge. He always does. EDGE: Indianapolis Colts


Houston Texans and Life (NBC, Wed, 10:00) – Life is about a guy who spent considerable time in jail for a crime he did not commit. (And it’s likely Martin Lawrence’s next great script idea.) Once he gets out, he does the completely logical thing – he becomes a police officer in the very precinct that threw him behind bars. He turns out to be a good cop, and yet nobody really trusts him or gives him a clean slate in their minds. No matter how much good he’ll do the Force, he’s going to have that reputation of being a criminal despite doing nothing to deserve that title. That guy is Matt Schaub. Matt Schaub spent last year as a quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons, a position that’s not exactly on the Best Jobs to Have list for 2007. He spent three years in the shadow of a man that felt the wrath of his actions weeks ago. But Matt Schaub didn’t stick around – he got traded to Houston. Hopefully the Texans will not falsely relate him to Vick’s misgivings. Also, hopefully his new offensive line will block a little better than the last guy who took snaps behind them and wore the #8 jersey. EDGE: Houston Texans


Tennessee Titans and Nashville (FOX, Fri, 9:00) – When we starting writing these previews a year ago, we looked for clever ways to link a group of 53 guys playing a sport with a program that has little sports content. We’ve paralleled actor’s careers with that of new free agents, found similarities in the plotlines, used plays-on-words, words-on-plays, and everything else in between. Well, guess what? The Tennessee Titans play in Nashville. BOOM! Be careful where you step – the literary magic is falling from the skies as we speak. Anyway, Nashville is brought to you by the people who produce Laguna Beach, as they refocus their view from the West Coast of Orange County to the country hot spot of Tennessee. We’ll follow a bunch of aspiring musicians who are likely prettier than they are talented, including Terry Bradshaw’s kid. (Ok, in that case, she’s like more talented than pretty, if she didn’t fall far from the tree.) I will only watch this show if they cast Vince Young. As he proved in the Rose Bowl two years ago and last year in the latter half of the season, this man can do it all. It’s just a shame that LenDale White frequents the Krispy Kreme near Dave’s old apartment a little too much. EDGE: Tennessee Titans

Jacksonville Jaguars and Cane (CBS, Tue, 10:00) – Who doesn’t love a good Bible story? (Answer: Osama bin Laden.) CBS has decided to kick it Old Testament with a modern-day adaptation of the story of Cain and Abel. Hector Elizondo, whose name is 38% more fun to say than mine, overlooks his elder son (played by the guy who was Richard Alpert on Lost) in favor of Jimmy Smits. Smits’ spoils? Why, he’s now in charge of the family business, a rum and sugar operation. Of course, it’s an operation on the up-and-up, since Smits no doubt has old pals in the NYPD up the coast. However, you have to feel bad for the Nestor Carbonelli (read: Alpert), who has remained in his father’s good graces for the past few years, working through injuries, showing immediate resolve, being a team leader, and agreeing to run for his life when his protection has broken down. Tough luck, Nestor, I mean Richard, I mean Frank – what should we call you, anyway? Screw it; for now on, Hector Elizondo’s two children will be called David Garrard and Byron Leftwich. And we hate to break it to you, it’s not called rum friends; it’s called rum business. EDGE: Cane

Dueling Previews '07: The AFC West

For the record, we received an incredible 25 entriesto our Dethrone the King contest; a marked improvement on the 8 or 9 who did battle with PK last year. Now I hate to admit, but the Big Honkin' Doofus correctly picked the Indianapolis Colts to down the New Orleans Saints last night, but the good news is - 22 of you guys did as well. Look for the standings to be posted Monday morning, and then updated again with the MNF game in the book the following morning.

If you want to check out PK's logic, it's up at SI.com. In the meantime, here's the AFC West.

Denver Broncos and Carpoolers (ABC, Tue, 8:30) – One of 9 new shows from American Broadcasting Company, Carpoolers focuses on the suburban life of four men who have nothing in common but their daily commute. Ah, traffic sitcoms. This hasn’t been tried since the early seasons of the Drew Carey Show. A nice premise, but ultimately, won’t the required “all 4 guys in the car scene” become trite, much like the obligatory “talk at the fence with Wilson scene" did on Home Improvement? But don’t worry, people! One of the four guys will be played by Jerry O’Connell! Now Jerry, I need to place your new sitcom with one of the NFL’s 32 teams, and I’ve narrowed it down to 2. It’ll either be Denver or San Diego. What’s that, you’ll either surf or ski? Clever. Look, Denver’s where you should be. But San Diego’s come in with a last-minute scenario. It’s big. Look, before a Dueling Preview, people get crazy. San Diego is offering seven years for 38 million. Signing bonus of 6. Now before I go back to Denver, let’s get something down on paper. You’re not dealing with Bob Sugar, are you? You let that snake in the door? It appears Carpoolers signed an hour ago. EDGE: Denver Broncos

San Diego Chargers and The IT Crowd (NBC, Midseason) – NBC can be trusted with the art of the comedy. They have the only two comedies I make an effort to catch weekly (Scrubs, The Office), and two more than I don’t mind every now and then (30 Rock, Earl). However, they seemed content with the four adding 0 new half-hour series to their fall lineup (Chuck is an hour long, even though it is rumored to be humorous). Waiting on the bench is The IT Crowd, a remake of a British series hopefully funnier than Jimmy Fallon’s old SNL crutch, Nick Burns: Your Company’s Computer Guy. But hey, NBC is getting all synergistic by tapping the host of The Soup on E!, Joel McHale, to star. And he, unlike Aisha Tyler, is damn funny. The LT Crowd will live and die by the stylings of LaDanian Tomlinson, the unanimous #1 Fantasy Football Pick, new Nike pitchman, and a player good enough to hijack the nickname of the most-feared linebacker of the 1980’s. It took a playoff loss at home to kick out a coach that led his team to a 14-2 record last year, and another year of seasoning for QB Phillip Rivers should pay dividends. If it doesn’t, expect Shawne Merriman to become the Terry Tate for the IT Crown on NBC this spring. EDGE: San Diego Chargers

Oakland Raiders and Baby Borrowers (NBC, Midseason) – Any show that advertises itself as a “unique social experiment” is always a recipe for needing a midseason replacement for a midseason replacement. Here, NBC will saddle a couple of teenagers with the responsibilities of adulthood, such as maintaining a real house, a real job, and raising children. Hey teenagers, let me fill you in on the ending to this – YOU ARE NOT QUALIFIED TO RAISE CHILDREN. I’m 27, and I’m barely qualified. Children are more unpredictable that Jerry Porter’s hands on any given Sunday. When I was your age, I couldn’t be counted on to pack a pair of shoes for a college visitation trip. You think I could keep up with a baby? This one will grab America’s attention, only to flame out like Kid Nation. Raider Nation, on the other hand, is being run by a kid – new head coach Lane Kiffin. Kiffin is only 32 years old. CB Duane Starks is 33, and DT Warren Sapp is 34. At least he can consult his elders if need be. But don’t sleep on the Raiders. Despite their inability to sign the number one pick in the draft or cut their third-rounder outright, they should be much improved from last year, with a defense that should steal a few games from the league’s easiest schedule. EDGE: Oakland Raiders

Kansas City Chiefs and Eli Stone (ABC, Midseason) – This comes from a write-up about Eli Stone, which stars Johnny Lee Miller: Eli has built a successful career at a top law firm in San Francisco representing only the biggest and richest corporations that make a habit of screwing over the little guy. But after experiencing a series of odd hallucinations, Eli seeks to find a deeper meaning to life while trying not to lose his job and destroy his relationship with the bosses' daughter.” Oh crap, now our lawyers are seeing things? What’s next? Tech support guys saving the world? Anyway, we’ll tune in because of Miller, who could have used some hallucinations to see some of the crap that The Plague was going to pull on him and his friends in the underrated 1995 indie flick “Hackers.” Now if you’re a fan of the Kansas City Chiefs, we’d like to let you know that a lot of what you’ve seen recently concerning your team actually happened. That hallucination that your Offensive Coordinator made Larry Johnson carry over 400 times, an NFL record – that happened. That hallucination that showed your team picking up Tyler Thigpen as a QB safety valve, rather than Byron Leftwich? Happened. That hallucination that proved that training camp is an excellent time to practice your dance moves? Happened. It’s going to be a long year, and Eli’s coming. EDGE: Eli Stone

Dueling Previews '07: The NFC East

Part of the fun of writing these previews is keeping track of which of the 32 teams and which of the 32 shows you've already written. Often, you find yourself writing these whenever the moment strikes you - and since that moment often occurs in the midst of a boring conference call, a fair amount of these write-ups were penned at my desk. However, publishing has occurred at night, requiring me to transfer my documents from laptop to laptop. Somehow, some way, I screwed up. After putting in a good 6-pack of preview capsules last night, my document from today overwrote all that I had done last night. Fortunately for me, 4 of those were already published in the first two columns. So when you read the Eagles and Saints - you're reading a Take 2.

Take 2's are less funny on principle. I blame Firefox .



New York Giants and Gossip Girl (CW, Wed, 9:00) – I don’t need to tell you anything about Gossip Girl to make you realize that it’s going to be terrible. It’s essentially a watered down Cruel Intentions setting with a group of kids as bright as the Laguna Beach crowd. Instead, let me list some of the projects that the cast of Gossip Girl have been in, to prove my point: “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants,” “Surface,” “The Covenant,” “John Tucker Must Die,” and “Spy Kids 2.” Sure, there’s a kid in it who played a bit role in Children of Men, but he’s unlikely to be the Gossip Girl. As for gossip in the NFL, it has a way of becoming bulletin board material. When a player doesn’t think twice and says something about his upcoming rival, it gets back to that rival quickly, and fuels the fire for Sunday afternoon. However, the New York Giants will have some difficulty putting to use the smack talk that’s surfaced in the past week about them. For the speaker of these harsh words doesn’t play for any opponent – it’s former G-Men running back and new NBC correspondent Tiki Barber. In a manner of days, the man with the imposing eyebrows has ruined any pro-Giants sentiments he held by trashing the current head coach, questions the abilities of Eli Manning, and likely will have something to say about Michael Strahan’s holdout. But then again, Mr. Fumbli is just saying what we were all thinking. EDGE: Gossip Girl

Washington Redskins and Reaper (CW, Tue, 9:00) – What the hell, CW? You were supposed to be the network for America’s Youth! You’ve brought us shows like Dawson’s, Charmed, Smallville, and Everwood! You’ve given a voice to teenage angst when teenage angst was too flummoxed to speak! And what do you do to the kid you have as the lead in “Reaper?” “Slacker geek Sam discovers his parents sold his soul to Satan before he was even born. And now, on his 21st birthday, the evil one has come to collect.” Sam didn’t even get a chance – thanks a lot, parents! Now he has to spend his life working as hard as he can just to attain mediocrity, since the Devil will always be nearby asking for a ten-spot. Sound familiar, DC Metrophiles? You’ve got Jason Campbell, a talented quarterback under center this year, and thanks to good coaching and a solid Auburn past, he could turn into the best QB the ‘Skins have had in the last decade. (Sorry, Heath and Danny.) He could lead a team to the Super Bowl on his arm – that is, if he had a team to lead. For Campbell, the time is now, because Owner Dan Snyder’s ability to overpay and overvalue free agents and have complete disregard for the college draft will SCREW the Redskins next year, and the one after that, and the one after that, and the one after that, and THEN we’ll finally be in the last year of Brandon Lloyd’s contract. EDGE: Washington Redskins

Dallas Cowboys and The Cashmere Mafia (ABC, Tue, 9:00) - You’re not going to see the Cashmere Mafia until December, people, and you are probably better off for it. It seems that ABC has taken the idea behind Sex and the City and Desperate Housewives and came up with this – four big shot ladies of the NYC who are superior to their male co-workers, doing their best to break the glass ceiling. Look, I’m friends with several very intelligent, good-looking, female MBA graduates, and I’d like to speak on their behalf. Casting Lucy Liu in their image is an insult and a crime. I wish that Sever had killed her. (Unless she was Sever; in that case I was rooting for Ecks.) Now when I saw “The Cashmere Mafia” on the lkist of new shows, I knew that it was my opportunity to throw a cheap shot in the direction of one of the Eagles’ NFC rivals. With Terrell Owens and Tony Romo in their offensive cast, this was not a hard decision to make. However, unlike the Cashmere Mafia, it’s unlikely you’ll see these guys/gals playing for their lives in December. Sorry, Wade. EDGE: The Cashmere Mafia

Philadelphia Eagles and Back to You (FOX, Wed, 8:00) – Funny story about Back to You. Over at Melt Your Face-off, a very early post by my linemate Reasonable Doubt managed to turn the entire Pittsburgh Penguins fanbase against us. It turns out that people from Steel City can’t exactly take a joke like those from say, Edmonton. A few days later after they were calling for our jobs, we posted another article, also with Pittsburgh fans in the crosshairs. LeNoceur had stumbled across a Washington Post online chat discussing fall television, and with Back to You being set in Pittsburgh, all of Western PA was fearing ridicule yet again. Despite getting the privilege of being the setting for a evening news-based sitcom starring PrimeTime powerhouses like Kelsey Grammer and Patricia Heaton, they were more concerned with how their small market would be lampooned before a national television audience. Hey, Pittsburgh – this is going to be funny. Relax. Staying calm works. That’s the only way Sidney Crosby is able to sneak in to R-rated movies. Wait a minute – this was supposed to be a football preview? Right. For the Eagles, they should seem limited competition from the NFC East, all whom are dealing with their own problems. Last year, we went to the playoffs on the back of Jeff Garcia, and this made him very tired. He’s now in Tampa, along with weak-in-the-knees Jeremiah Trotter. It looks like it’s Back to You, Donovan. EDGE: Philadelphia Eagles

Dueling Previews '07: The AFC North

I feel like we've come to a point in cinema where the beginning credits are no longer necessary. The Internet has already informed many of the moviegoers as to who the main talent in the film is - directors, actors, producers - these roles have become common knowledge. I think unless you have a killer musical score or a sweet visual montage to utilize random words at the beginning of your movie, we should all agree to go the way of television and abandon the opening themes altogether. Words are just getting in the way of what you really want to see.

You know, like the preview of the AFC North.

Pittsburgh Steelers and The Sarah Connor Chronicles (FOX, Midseason) – The nineties were quiet for Sarah Connor, who assisted California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger in fighting Technology gone wrong in the Terminator franchise. When the Machines rose over a decade later, Arnold didn’t need her help. Who knows what she was up to? She may have gone back to waitressing. She may have spent more time in a mental institution after her first botched bombing attempt at Cyberdyne. Hell, she may have stayed home and cried, as she watched her son Edward Furlong get eaten up by Young Hollywood. But thanks to a crack team of writers, she’s now fighting the bad guys yet again. Of course, after hanging out with T-1000 and his friends in the first two movies, her specialty has been fighting the baddest guys Technology can muster. Her latest foe? Why, the new mascot of the Pittsburgh Steelers, who is pictured here. His name is Steely McBeam. (take some time here to stop laughing, I’m dead serious.) Connor will use her wit, brawn, and guile to defeat this beast made of steel, which is a welcome change over the methods employed by Roethlisberger last summer. EDGE: Pittsburgh Steelers

Cleveland Browns and Bionic Woman (NBC, Wed, 9:00) – The idea behind the original Bionic Woman, which appeared on ABC and NBC in the late seventies, was that aside from the Six Million Dollar Man, no one really expected an everyday working woman to possess such super powers. She possessed blinding speed, great strength, flowy hair – standard seventies’ superhero requisites. And apparently 31 years later, we’re due for another installment, even if we didn’t really expect it, either. It has little star power in the cast, but then again, neither did NBC’s flagship rookie last year, Heroes. Phil Savage, on the other hand, has made great strides to rebuild his team, the Cleveland Browns, who have lacked a hero all the way back to the days of Bernie Kosar’s Jew fro. He was the mover AND the shaker in this year’s NFL draft, netting accomplished fisherman and offensive tackle Joe Thomas third overall, and then wheeling and dealing to pick their future franchise QB in Brady Quinn at pick 22. They also swiped division rival workhorse Jamal Lewis from Baltimore (no doubt an equal price to pay Art Modell, who stole ALL OF THE BROWNS on behalf of Charm City.) Throw in a bionically repaired leg for Kellen Winslow Jr., we just might see a winning season for the Dawg Pound. He CAN rebuild them. EDGE: Cleveland Browns

Baltimore Ravens and The Big Bang Theory (CBS, Mon, 8:30) – Of all the new sitcoms, this one seems to be the most predictable. Which means it will be perfect for CBS’ Monday night lineup. I’ve never understood the allure of shows like Two and a Half Men or According to Jim. A show that pairs a couple of physics nerds across the hallway from a smokin’ hot “screenwriter/waitress” (they throw screenwriter in there to make her smarter, but she’s not fooling anyone), and most likely, they’ll learn valuable lessons from one another. I also don’t understand why everyone in TV apartment complexes know and socialize with their neighbors. Since college, I’ve lived in no less than four different rental pads, and the most information about ANY of my neighbors was that at Random Run, they were from Romania and liked Tae Bo at 8 am on Saturdays. And they weren’t smokin’ hot screenwriter/waitresses. But then again, neither are the Baltimore Ravens. Everyone’s got them in the playoffs (you know, those boring previews that actually try and predict football straight up), but then losing in the divisional round because they got a bye but can’t handle an AFC powerhouse in their own building. San Diego? New England? Indy? All of them are the smokin’ hot, sexy screenwriter picks for prognosticators. Baltimore is the physics nerd. They’re going to be there in the end, no doubt – but that’s not why Football Nation is turning on the TV. EDGE: Baltimore Ravens

Cincinnati Bengals and Aliens in America (CW, Mon, 8:30) – Chad Johnson is not of this world. This is a man who makes casual viewers watch Bengals games in order to witness first-hand his next ludicrously awesome touchdown celebration. He swiped Terrell Owens’ stick, attached a lobster to it, and now he dons a most excellent hat. He even insisted on being called Ocho Cinco last year, complete with jersey patch. And this was all in a down year – Chad has vowed to RETURN to his entertaining excellence this year, since last year he turned himself down a notch. He loves to play the game and it shows. The CW, on the other hand, seems to have the right idea to television innovation. They’re trying to mimic the success of The Office by green lighting unusual sitcom ideas, like “Nobody’s Watching” and now Aliens in America. AinA features the pairing of two aliens – an awkward Wisconsin high school kid and a Pakistani exchange student named Raja, in hopes that adolescent hilarity doth ensue. So why does this innovation seem to feel a lot less like The Office and a lot more like Perfect Strangers? (Side note: if anyone enters the Dethrone the King pool with Balki’s method of picking teams, I will gladly grant you a bumper sticker.) EDGE: Cincinnati Bengals

Dueling Previews '07: The AFC East

The AFC East is often listen first in most football standings found in newspapers. Why is that, you say? Well, for any newspaper market that does not serve as home to an NFL team, they really have no reason to list any division above any other. So instead, they default to placing the AFC before the NFC, for the sake of alphabetization. After that, the East Coast Bias that was brought to the New World by the Pilgrims takes over. (They had the option of landing on the West Coast, they opted not to.) Therefore, the AFC East gets listed first. Before anything else can happen, there are the damn Patriots staring you in the face.

Guess what AFC East? In my world, you just got demoted to Second.

Again, leave a note in the comments if you want a last minute chance to get in on our Dethrone the King football pool. Bumper stickers are at stake, people.

New England Patriots and Dirty Sexy Money (ABC, Wed, 10:00) – Unlike “Life,” the producers behind DSM actually spent time coming up with a series title that will get the attention of possible viewers. And they followed up that by loading the cast with heavyweights like Donald Sutherland, Daniel Baldwin, and Kjill Clayburgh, all of them part of a crazy Hiltonesque family that will rely on a new lawyer to keep them out of jail and the tabloids simultaneously. Who better than Peter Krause, the man who co-anchored my all-time favorite sitcom, Sports Night? Krause (pronounced unnecessarily as Kraus-uh), will bring his Casey McCall charm and his Six Feet Under acting cred to a role that seemed designed and written exactly for him. As for the aforementioned Money, the Patriots finally opened up the wallet and spent some of the hard-earned cash those Super Bowl championships gets you. With big name free agent Adalius Thomas in the linebacker corps, Randy Moss patrolling the post routes, and yes, Vinny Testeverde warming the bench, the Pats hope it was Sexy well spent. EDGE: New England Patriots

Buffalo Bills and Kid Nation (CBS, Wed, 8:00) – Have you heard about Kid Nation?? CBS isn’t really promoting it – they’re letting the media do it, and they’re not even spending a dime. Basically, the premise is such: children are left to run their own town, form a government, and carry out basic living tasks like cooking, gathering resources, maintain order in the home, and play fantasy football. I don’t see what’s so revolutionary about this – the kids from the Simpsons tackled this over a decade ago. (An episode, which if it already isn’t, should be a part of any promotion video for Model UN programs) Well, some parents are ticked that their little boys and girls were effectively laboring as children, and their injuries (namely cooking grease burns) should not be tolerated. Look lady, the waiver was very clear, and you signed it. Hell, the kids even got paid thousands of dollars each. (They quickly spent it at 11 year-old entrepreneur Kenny’s Candy, Puppies, and Dress-Up Arcade.) Sadly, Buffalo Bills 21 year-old running back Marshawn Lynch’s application was not accepted for the show, and now will have to settle for a job that made him a fantasy sleeper across the country. In addition, rookie Paul Posluszny has been named starting linebacker after a stellar career at Penn State. Neither is expected to be dumb enough to eat the purple berries. They taste like burning. EDGE: Kid Nation

Miami Dolphins and Canterbury’s Law (FOX, Midseason) – You have to hand it to Fox. It’s about time they entered the fray of making drab dramas about a group of lawyers that should be interesting, but ultimately are not. What made The Practice a winner? What made Ally McBeal a success? Why do people stomach Shatner on Boston Legal? For every successful law show (these 3), another 5 have bitten the dust in the early throes of fall prime time programming. And now FOX, who would prefer to produce underwhelming shows of all varieties, have thrown their case onto the docket. Canterbury’s Law comes from the Grey’s Anatomy school of Program Naming, putting Juliana Margulies in the lead role. Margulies has earned her TV drama cred as being part of the early years of NBC’s ER. Similarly, Trent Green has earned his NFL Football cred as the QB of the highly successful Kansas City Chiefs offense from the first half of this decade. But was Trent Green the reason? I say nay. Al Saunders was the Clooney. Priest Holmes was the Edwards. Tony Gonzalez was the LaSalle. And Larry Johnson was the latecomer, Noah Wyle. Each of those guys is what made ER great. Trent Green? He’s just the Juliana Margulies. Enjoy him, Miami. EDGE: Canterbury’s Law

New York Jets and K-Ville (FOX, Mon, 9:00) – Perhaps the most ambitious new series, K-Ville actually refers to New Orleans, Louisiana. Viewers will follow the efforts of a fictional police force that has been assigned to defend a city that was defenseless two years ago against Hurricane Katrina. This will not be your standard cop show, and if nothing else, it’s probably worth an effort. (What’s that? They put it against Heroes? Nice knowing ya, K-Ville) So why didn’t I make the obvious connection to the New Orleans Saints here? It’s because there is a greater problem at hand for K-Ville than obviousness, and that problem’s name is Anthony Anderson. Anderson, who you may remember from such excellent work such as Kangaroo Jack and the TNBC show “Hang Time,” is the perfect example of wasted talent. Look, I know Anthony Anderson is a funny guy. When cast in the right role (as in Me, Myself, and Irene), he can be killer. But too many times, casting directors find a place for Anthony Anderson that couldn’t be a bigger mismatch. In Transformers, he played a paranoid computer hacker that ruined scenes – the only acting performance more egregious was Tuturro’s. In Romeo Must Die, he’s inexplicably cast as a funny guy in a movie that had no business casting a funny guy. Who is A-Squared’s NFL equivalent. Well, his name is Thomas Jones, and he plays running back for the New York Jets. After mis-castings in Tampa Bay, Arizona, and Chicago, let’s hope he’s found his dream role. EDGE: K-Ville

Dueling Previews '07: The NFC West

Welcome back to another year of Dueling Previews, the only place on the Interwebs where you can find a comprehensive NFL season preview and a review of all the rookie shows on the prime time TV schedule - AT THE SAME TIME. We feel that last year was a rousing success, as we provided far more pub to cellar dwellers like Celebrity Duets, Vanished, and "Oakland Raiders" than just about anywhere else.

Honestly, from scrutinizing the new fall schedule, we don't have high hopes for TV in 2007-2008. Nothing has caught my eye as a must-see, and with Lost on hiatus until January, it's going to be brutal. In order to combat dullness, the NBC Studio Football Night crew has now expanded to 18 people, bringing in new faces including John Riggins, Jimmy Fallon, Kenny Chesney, and Tank Johnson's ammo guy.

But football never disappoints. If you have an interest in making games like Oakland-Detroit actually interesting, you can join our Dethrone the King pool here on YAB by leaving a comment on this post.

Ok, let's get to it. Who's up for running an Oop-Tee-Oop?

Arizona Cardinals and Viva Laughlin (CBS, Sun, 8:00) – Have you seen anything about CBS’ new rival to Extreme Makeover: Home Edition? No? It’s probably because the ad wizards at CBS have no idea how to promote a show that’s being described as a story about “a dreamer who gambles his assets on the launch of a fabulous new casino. He's plagued by a mistress, a murder, money problems and a greedy rival. Oh, and people occasionally break into song.” Ok, it seems like a standard Vegas drama – I see gambling, organized crime, cut-throat business tactics, and what? Choreographed singing and dancing? (Allison Fraser would LOVE this.) Is this our generation’s Cop Rock? In the NFL, the Las Vegas-esque position is the quarterback. The QB is the movie star, the rock star, and the high roller of the team. One of the few faces a fan can recognize sans helmet, the QB makes the big money and knows how to spend the big money, just like in Vegas. Now based on the off-season coverage of the NFL, a casual fan might conclude the quarterback is the one responsible for the violence against puppies. Hey man, Vegas has violence, so should its NFL equivalent. This makes sense. But Matt Leinart isn’t your typical quarterback. He doesn’t kill puppies. He LOVES puppies. Check out that photo! That is so un-quarterback like! And that, there, is no song and dance. EDGE: Arizona Cardinals

San Francisco 49ers and Private Practice (ABC, Wed, 9:00) – 4 years later, it may be safe to assume that the greatest asset that ABC’s dramedy powerhouse Desperate Housewives gave the network was not the Emmys, the ratings, or America’s unhealthy obsession with Eva Longoria – easily the least talented of the four actresses on that show. No, what DH did was re-open a timeslot that had been long considered deceased by TV watchers – Sundays at 10. For the viewership who would tune in to see DH then stuck around for Grey’s Anatomy, another ratings powerhouse. Now Grey’s has gotten too big to afford all its actors, and have spun off red-headed doctor Kate Walsh into her own private practice in California, far from the familiar halls of her Seattle hospital home. Similar thinking hit WR Darrell Jackson this past summer, bolting the Seahawks’ familiar blue, gray, and electric green (?) after 7 years to set up shop in San Francisco. Will his QB, Alex Smith, now in his third year, prove to be a passer with surgical precision? We’ll have to tune in and see. EDGE: Private Practice

Seattle Seahawks and Moonlight (CBS, Fri, 9:00) – When we read that Moonlight is about a dashing private eye who also happens to be a vampire, we scanned all of the NFL rosters for a player who would be most likely to fit that profile. But then we got a call from the NFL’s new commissioner, Roger Goodell, who asked us explicitly to avoid prolonging the negative image that has plagued the league in his first year of office. Since it’s unusual for us to get phone calls from pro sports commissioners (owners, on the other hand…) we decided to oblige Mr. Rog. So instead, we’re using this space to promote the player in the nfl who we feel is the complete opposite of a dashing private eye who also happens to be a vampire. And that player is Seahawks quarterback Matt Hasselbeck. If he were dashing, Elizabeth from Survivor would have married him over his understudy brother, Tim. If her were a private eye, he could have solved the mystery of the questionable refereeing from Super Bowl 40. And if he were a vampire, he would have a strong distaste for garlic. Matt can’t enough of that stuff. EDGE: Seattle Seahawks

St. Louis Rams and The Next Great American Band (Fox, Fri, 8:00) – Before I get to Stephen Jackson and company, let me give you a brief explanation as to what American Band aims to do – and that is to improve the rock scene by turning it into a voting arms race. Much like American Idol aimed to make a superstar out of one person via a drawn-out, watered-down reality competition, your next supergroup will be formed using similar methods. Here’s the rub. Great bands are formed over time by friends who have inherent musical chemistry, not by choosing a lead singer to pair with a shredworthy guitarist to pair with a drumming virtuoso. That may be how good rock is formed, but not great rock, which the title so implies. The Rams? They’re good rock, not great rock. If they haven’t made it to the NFC Championship with the current cast of characters, they inch closer to a tear-down and rebuild phase. Torry Holt and Isaac Bruce aren’t getting younger or healthier, and Marc Bulger is the starting QB because his wife was less scary than Kurt Warner’s. Defense has a new face in Adam Carriker, but otherwise is toast against stronger teams. The Rams may want to be Zeppelin; instead we have Nickelback at the Edward Jones Dome, now through December. EDGE: St. Louis Rams

This afternoon: The AFC East!

Dethrone the King!

I’m not a big fan of people who have the surname “King.” It’s like some shot of nomenclature self-entitlement has fused with their general personality, because some time long ago one of their relatives fell into a fortunate position of royalty. They’re aren’t many monarchies these days; people continuing to exist with the “King” name are hard-pressed to find a throne and scepter to call their occupation. So instead, they are forced to take non-ruling positions in our global work force. Talk about a shot to the ego.

After all, your last name probably is based upon either 1) the place in which your ancestors hailed from or 2) the job your ancestors held. Most of these words have dulled over time, and have become non-offensive to those who use them today. Rob Harford, for example, probably can attribute his family handle to some tiny hamlet back in England. Chris Smith, no doubt, comes from a long line of smiths, those who worked with metal for a living. Karen Yelito – erm, well, uh, no doubt got her name when a great-great grandfather cried whilst falling off a cliff. Everyone’s got a story.

But those who choose to continue using “King?” I have no patience for these people. Larry King is perpetuating idiocy in the media by lobbing softball questions at repentant Paris Hilton and putting his support behind crappy movies like Rush Hour 3. Stephen King, though a great writer, prides himself on not owning a cellular phone. One of these days he’s going to be alone in a spooky house and something from the undead will be closing in, tracking his every move. And since the undead know to kill the phone lines, Stephen King will one day regret his anti-technological stance. James King – he, wait no, SHE is that pretty blonde nurse who bites it in the bombing scene from Michael Bay’s Pearl Harbor. Her androgynous moniker confuses me to this day. (And judging from Josh Hartnett’s perpetual confused face, he doesn’t know what to make of it, either.) And that Martin Luther King – my GOD – no, wait –

We’re cool with Martin Luther King. Junior.

But Peter King? No freakin’ way.

Peter King is the football journalist Emeritus over at Sports Illustrated. He’s well-respected for his weekly Monday Morning Quarter Back (MMQB) column, where he covers the week in the NFL, among other things. He’s parlayed his surging readership to an occasional desk appearance on NBC’s Sunday night football coverage. And he prides himself on having a cell phone with every possible football contact in its address book. And yet,

I CAN’T STAND HIM.

You want reasons, in a blinding, over-crowded paragraph form? Sure! He name drops so much, it’s like he dropped a phone book on his foot. He showed repeated bias towards the New England Patriots, his hometown team. He constantly mentioned his daughter’s collegiate sports prowess, and then gets mad when other websites poke fun at it. He thinks that his views on coffee are shaping the entire industry. He invokes a “Quote of the Week” feature, and then proceeds to list 9 Quotes of the Week. He takes moral stances on things that have nothing to do with his expertise – like the amount of violence in The Departed. He makes list of the 500 Best Players in the NFL, and insists that Packers CB Al “I Am Served Often with Jam” Harris is better than 1,554 other guys. He reviews movies that came out 9 years ago because he just got around to seeing them. (Saving Private Ryan was recently featured.) He makes obvious statements like “This LaDanian Tomlinson kid may turn out to be a decent back in this league.” Oh, and he sucks at fantasy.

WHAT WILL WE DO TO COMBAT THIS?

YAB will be holding a weekly “Pick the Winners” known as Dethrone the King, a way to prove that you, the average person, know more than a guy who follows football for a living. Each week, I will e-mail you my patented DtK form, and all you have to do is e-mail it back to me before the games start that week. The standings will be maintained in the sidebar here at YAB, and anyone who ends up with a better record than Peter King at year’s end will receive a YAB bumper sticker that proclaims your scrumtrilescense.

If you are interested, let me know in the comments.