The Cutting Return of YABNews

It’s been a while since we’ve contacted the YABNews Desk for a lead on a story. All this time, we’ve been getting memos from them as to how they support the Writer’s Strike and refuse to produce any material. Then we realized that the royal “we” is a fictional writing device, and since I’m not part of the WGA, then neither are they. Hey, I don’t member authorizing the purchase of a foosball table for their break room.

You see, YABNews doesn’t know how to cover the big issues that consume today’s press. Primary elections? Not interested. Israeli-Palestinian peace talks? No thanks. The Writers Strike? Ok, maybe. No, over the years YABNews has focused on the truly unique in breaking media coverage.

If it should break residential architecture in the process, so be it.

Today we bring you the story of a hunting enthusiast in the great state of Michigan. I can’t say I’ve ever felt the real need to hunt. It’s not the primal longing that so many people claim it to be. Of course, I may have been turned off to the practice when I was young. I remember as a young lad attempting to snipe water fowl as they flew diagonally across my range of vision. If I missed, a neighborhood dog would inexplicably arise from the weeds to mock me. Stupid dog.

So while I can’t speak from experience, I have to assume that hunting supplies are expensive. Why? Because it can be considered a niche sport or game, and all supplies for niche sports and games are expensive. For some reason, those who enjoy their athletics on the fringe have more cash to burn. They buy things like snow skis and road bikes and rifles to fill that need. Of course, one has to wonder why so few people get into these sports. Maybe it’s because as kids we don’t have the kind of allowances to skeet shoot or ice climb. And because of this, these sports lay on the fringe. Like I said, it’s a vicious cycle.

Back to our YABNews report. According to the article:

A man who hid hunting knives in his pants to try to steal them from a western Michigan store tripped while fleeing and stabbed himself in the abdomen, police say… The man had put about $300 worth of hunting knives in his waistband, police told WZZM-TV. Police say he tried to leave the store, but Meijer employees confronted him and a scuffle
followed. The man then fell and was stabbed by the knives he had
hidden in his clothing, police said. They said it happened about 5:40
p.m.

Ok, I have a few thoughts about this real man of genius. And in honor of our hunting theme, you’re going to get them…IN BULLET FORM!!!

• Now while I haven’t had to price them lately, I really have no idea how much a hunting knife costs. Did the guy steal 1 $300 knife? Or maybe 25 $12 knives? We just don’t know. Regardless, a waistband isn’t exactly my first choice for knife concealment. Hey, buddy, ever heard of pockets?
• I take that back. My flag football league requires that all shorts or pants worn cannot have pockets. It prevents people from reaching for a flag and dislocating a finger on an errant stab. I’m cool with that. You know, except for the fact that every single pair of pants in Dick’s Sporting Goods now comes with pockets. I find it hard to imagine that our Knife Thief managed to shop around and find a pair that came pocket free.
• The fact that you are stealing knives gives us a good idea of where your morals rest. That said, why didn’t you steal some blankets or pillows, too? Hell, this is a camping store. They’ve probably got marshmallows in the back you could have ganked.
• If you have knives in your waistband and you’re going to trip or fall, you should probably do everything you can to not land in a position so that they may stab you. This is called the Kyle Williams Postulate. It’s named after a famous hurdler that in warmups tripped over a hurdle. Rather than further injure his thumb – which was in a cast from football season – Williams went into the track favoring his hand. Instead? Collarbone first. Had the Knife Thief listened to Kyle, he’d have a broken collarbone, but non-lacerated abs.