Hate Mail from Garden Gnomes

(Originally posted: 5/29/08)

One of the things you have to do when you switch from one job to another is make sure you leave nothing behind. Part of this is obvious, and actual. When you close the door to that old office for the last time, make sure you have taken every last personal item with you. What if I had accidentally left my diploma from GW sitting on the shelf? The next person to fill the position may accidentally assume they have gotten their MBA and start managing things they are far from qualified for. Won’t you be sorry when you here your old office building has been trampled by a fleet of angry zoo animals because some lackey in your old job signed a spend approval above his pay grade?

Note: That would be the best spend approval EVER.

But not only are your personal belongings things you can load into a box and throw in the back of your car, you also have to deal with the virtual belongings. After 5 years, do you realize how many things can be tied to your e-mail address? Answer: Eleventy billion. Just think about all the automated bill statements you have. If you lose visibility into this e-mail address, you better count on bankruptcy court. Because you will never be able to pay another bill ever in the history of forever. Period.

(Yes, I know this seems like an ideal scenario. But so is running water and electricity.)

In order make sure this didn’t happen, I wrote an e-mail to just about every address of friend and family I could think of, to ensure that our interwebbian communication will not cease on account of me decided to work for a different firm with a blue logo. It follows…(wait for it)…now.

Dear Everybody I've Ever Met,

I am writing to let you know that after today, you will no longer be receiving e-mail from me at this address. After all, today is my last day at SAIC. I've accepted a new position with the corporate office of Volkswagen-Audi, which from their web site, seems to be a small German firm that manufactures road vehicles. I've always had an entrepreneurial spirit, and I look forward to contributing at a small enterprising start-up. I start Monday. My German needs work.

From this desk, I've written (briefly counts "Sent Items") eleventy billion e-mails in the last 5+ years. And if you're receiving this, you've probably been on the receiving end of at least one of them. Well, if you receive an e-mail from this address after today, it's not from me. Barring the unlikely possibility that this company hires someone with my exact name over the weekend, it probably won't happen anyway. But if it does, beware.

That e-mail would be from a Chris Condon imposter.

Chris Condon imposters can't be treated lightly. For one, they're shorter than me more times than not. If there's anything I learned in life, you don't trust short people. (I already have a list of 7 people in my head who will no doubt be e-mailing me to argue.)

AND SCENE!

And judging from the overwhelming response, I lowballed that one. Try 14 people. If their ringleader, whose name is an anagram for “MINI SHORT CATS” ever gets them organized, we could have one serious pint-sized rebellion on our hands.

Always Bet on Black?

I thought we made it clear long, long ago that I’m not a big fan of e-mailed advertisements. Unless you’re offering a discount on something I was already going to buy (read: EA Sports), I’m probably not going to frequent your website just because you thought it would be fun to reach out and say hello. Yeah, everyone likes getting e-mail, and we think it is real fancy when you’re able to work our actual name into your sales pitch, but ultimately, you’re just wasting our time and our server space.

Believe it or not, one does have control over what e-ads (we assume the hyphen is in place of the letter “g”) appear in his/her inbox. If you choose to closely guard your address by not entering it anywhere on the Internet, you’re probably pretty safe. However, keep in mind by staying under the radar like that probably won’t get you to the level of popularity you need to be Homecoming Queen, either. You’ll have to achieve that post the old fashion way – by begging and whining to MTV to be an episode of “Made.” What was I talking about? Ooh, shiny.

I tend to only use my main e-mail address on websites from which I’d like some sort of documentation or receipt. I figure it’s a way better plan than them mailing me an actual receipt, which I’ll inexplicably stuff into my wallet and keep there until Katie insists I clean out the raging sea of paper that it has become. After all, when the baby’s here, we don’t want her crawling into my wallet, only to go missing for long periods of time.

(Let’s wait until she’s 16 for her to go missing with access to my credit cards, shall we?)

Anyways, one of the e-mails I receive about once a week comes from a website called Tastings Journal. I can’t exactly remember why, either. In general, it’s a website that offers you meal offers at insanely-outrageous restaurants for only slightly-outrageous prices. I really have no idea how they have it, unless OpenTable.com is being generous with their proprietary data. I can’t tell you what the e-mails say; I delete them much too quickly to comprehend the words they contain. Anyways, I decided that I have had enough of the Tastings Journal, and unsubscribed this morning. Their response?

This is the last email you will receive from us. We have added you to our "blacklist", which means that our newsletter system will refuse to send you any other email, without manual intervention by our administrator.

I’ve been blacklisted?

How about “unsubscribed” or even “begrudgingly ignored???” No, no, I’ve been blacklisted. My e-mail address has been added to a long list of people who do not like to eat gourmet cuisine for less-than-gourmet prices. And if there were ever a new fancy restaurant to open nearby, they would be warned NOT to contact me for my business. My money’s no good there, and Tastings Journal wants to make sure it stays that way.

What did I do to deserve this?

That’s right, I opted out of further mailings. I didn’t sell secrets to the Soviet Union. I haven’t written a pinko screenplay as propaganda. Geez, people. I’m all for America! I have spoken out against the evils of the Cold War! I watch the Colbert Report. What more do you want?

(Other than rooting for America’s team, that is.)