The History of an Infidel

I knew no matter what surrounded one line in yesterday's post, it would create a political firestorm. I could have written about puppies in the park, or a baby learning to walk, or how trees sway in the breeze, but as long as I included one line, I knew it wouldn't matter. Maybe it was my subconscious rattling off savant movie knowledge as a thinly veiled attempt to unearth the real problem with American society. Or maybe this is the controversial stuff that really makes blogs worth reading. That's right - I'm a blogger on the edge. And I've already said it once, so I'm sure as hell gonna say it again:

Blue M&Ms? Communists!

It's not that I think the small candy-coated pieces with the blue shells are stalwarts when it comes to economies based on the notion that all members of the economy benefit equally. First, you've got to realize that I first developed this theory in 1995. I was 14 years old. Some of my other theories at the time regarded Hootie and the Blowfish as a hit-making machine for decades to come. (Pin drop.) And while that one might not have panned out, the M&M Postulate holds true to this day. The blue ones? Yep, they're communist.

Some history, perhaps? No? Too bad. When M&Ms were first created back in 1941 as a snack for the soldiers while getting the Nazis out of France (we didn't share either. Take that, Hitler!), the color scheme was simple and established. Brown. Red. Orange. Green. Yellow. There was also a violet at the time, but it was an actual violet. Mars Chocolate Company learned very quickly that the soldiers preferred eating the candy over the flowers in the bag.

The line-up changed over the years in different combinations, but the players remained the same. It's like shuffling the deck on the '27 Yankees: no matter who batted cleanup, the Washington Senators were toast. No adding new colors, either. Why bother? You've established a successful product, so why mess with it? (And yet, we have green and purple ketchup. Thanks, Kerry!)

M&Ms came to represent America. It became a candy Americans could count on in times of trouble. According to the contemporary candy scholar, me, no other candy has been there for our citizens when times got tough.

• Cuban Missile Crisis? Butterfingers wouldn't suffice.
• Vietnam? Mr. Goodbar turned and ran.
• The Oil Crisis in the 70s? They wouldn't accept 100 Grands as payment.
• Bruce Willis' singing career? We couldn't even stick Twizzlers in our ears.

But M&Ms are all-American, stand up in the face of danger, Old Glory waving, eat your apple pie with a glass of Coke, my candy tis of thee American. Through and through.

Why mess with patriotism, Mars?

In 1995, the bottom dropped out. 10 million people (and I have all your names here in my cell phone) voted to add blue to the lineup. To use the Yankees analogy, it's like squeezing Chuck Knoblauch in between Gehrig and Ruth. To use, the patriotism analogy, it's like adding a spy to the U.S. Senate during the Cold War. This addition represents everything that is against the American Way. Against our capitalistic, every man for his own future, work hard and you shall prosper way. In a word, well, I guess that makes it...

Communist.

That's right, Blue. Get out of my M&Ms, and go back to the Easter color scheme where you belong.

(drops microphone on floor, exit stage right)