Nothing But Flowers

You got to love coming back to the office after a nice three day hiatus following the Christmas holiday. Since we were given Christmas Eve off as well, it's been a good week since I was last at this desk scouring my inbox for red flags and black eyes. Now, judging from its size, my inbox is able to breathe a little easier due to the holiday, as it seems some of my usual suspects also took leave to recover from shopping and eating, unwrapping and sleeping. However, with that said, all was not quiet in E-mailandia.

Like I said, some took off for Christmas, but some did not. I'm glad that I am working today, rather than taking off the entire week. January, by way of our fiscal year end, is a very busy time of year around here, and I know that Monday will begin the roller coaster ride of getting all costs booked for FY05. Therefore, by tending to the immediate issues that sprang up in my absence over my hiatus today (as opposed to Monday) will make Monday seem less bad. It'll still be no fun to be back full-time, but then again it could be worse. In other words, instead of Monday being The Mummy Returns, it'll simply be The Mummy.

Ok, let's see immediate issues in the inbox (why do I feel like Strong Bad?)

Um...36 new messages. Typical. Here's my favorite:

We have received your e-mail request to be removed from our e-mail offers and newsletters. As a valued customer, we are disappointed that we will be unable to send you future promotional opportunities with 1-800-FLOWERS.COM .

Funny, I don't recall sending such a request. But this is not spam, since it's got my e-mail address plastered all over it. I have used this vendor in the past to send flowers (without spending extra cash on toll-yes-please phone numbers), and therefore, it makes perfect sense that I am on a mailing list somewhere in their database, where they can hawk their latest floral arrangements and holiday giftsets. No problem with that. If my stream of work related e-mail ever dries up, at least I can count on the folks at 1-800-FLOWERS.COM to make be feel wanted. But apparently, these e-mails will be stopping soon, since I sent it my "e-mail request." I have no recollection of doing this. (But then again, I have no recollection of moving from the living room to my bed in my sleep 5 out of 7 days a week. Stranger things have happened.)

To add insult to idiocy, it appears that they will be disappointed that they will be unable to send me future promotional opportunities. There's no way this can be true. Do you they really think I'm going to believe they will experience a change in emotional state because I have now refused acceptance of a mass mailing that I have never responded to by way of product purchase? Hmm. I'm sure Christmas was a depressing one around the 1-800-FLOWERS.COM office. Thanks to me. I've ruined Christmas for millions of...um...automated order taking database applications.

PLEASE NOTE: that if you have additional e-mail addresses on file with us, you must send an e-mail to remove@reply.1800flowers.com from each of those e-mail addresses to remove each from our list.

Or, I can let the phantom e-mail remover guy do it. You know, just in case I decide that the government is spying on me through jpeg images of azaleas, and I need to tighten up my security against Big Brother.

If you do not have access to the email address please send us the information to custservice@reply1800flowers.com clearly indicating the addresses you wish to have removed.

If I do not have access to the email address anymore, do you really I think I care if it gets promotional mailing from 1-800-FLOWERS.COM? 'Cause, man, I would hate to think that Kamikaze79@aol.com is just overflowing with stuff I can't and never will read. This is like asking me, "Hey Chris, remember that old Volvo you drove? Well, it's just cracked the 200,000 mile mark, and could use an oil change. You don't have any financial responsibility to pay for said changing of oil, but we just thought you'd like to know."

Due to timing issues related to the completion of the removal process you may receive future promotional e-mails or newsletters before your request to be removed is implemented. We apologize for any inconvenience this may cause you.

You damn well better apologize. In fact, if I get one these e-mails, now that my subconscious (Ig?) has unsubscribed me, I think I deserve retribution. How about a dozen roses for Valentine's Day? Or no, something even weirder. Like a corsage made of Venus Fly Traps and cauliflower.

We look forward to serving your gift giving needs in the future.

And I look forward to being a disappointment for you and yours.