A Boy and His Blog

Mom and Dad, I have a confession to make.

Over the course of my childhood, you were incredibly generous with me. Christmas was never a time of “Look, Santa brought you a stack of magazines from the coffee table” and my birthday gift was never “Enjoy these grass clippings from out back!” Maybe you were so nice to me because you know that I would use your example as to how to be generous to my once and future children, I can’t be sure. But as I look back at all the neat stuff I got as a kid, I’m eternally grateful.

Hell, I had a Nintendo when I was 6. 6!

And over the tenure of my NES days, I must have amassed upwards of 30 different games to play. And since this was the late 80’s, the idea behind each of these titles was fairly archaic and basic; Nintendo did not intend games to become Super until the 90’s. Some were sports games that kept me occupied before anyone had even invented season mode. Take “Baseball,” for example. I just played the real Phillies schedule, and actually kept the score book on a piece of paper sitting on the table in front of the television. I would conduct an entire March Madness bracket in Double Dribble by electing to be one team in each match up, and “advancing” the winner on the bracket before me. In 10-Yard Fight, I’d play against my father and beat him with a complex playbook of run to the left, run to the right, pass to the guy.” Worked every time.

To be fair, my dad didn’t stand a chance. He was a Tetris addict.

As a simultaneous form of conquest and gratitude, I did my best to win at video games. Several of them I could hang on a wall, plaque style, as I actually beat the final bad guy to achieve what every video gaming hero wanted to achieve in 1988: watch the credits of a bunch of Japanese guys roll by. Super Mario 2? Toast. Ghosts ‘n Goblins? Finished. R.C. Pro-Am? VICTORIED!

Some games even made learning fun!

In the latter days of Original Nintendo, I got “Where in Time is Carmen Sandiego?” as a Christmas present. Surely, you’re familiar with the premise of the Sandiego series. (If not, let Rock-a-pella explain.) Anyway, they ran our places for Carmen to hide (Where in Your Kitchen is Carmen Sandiego didn’t test well), so they allowed her to run from the fuzz via time travel. And as much fun as learning about the Renaissance is, the heavy almanac that came with that game served a better purpose as a trench ledge on which to steady the barrel of my Duck Hunt gun. Screw you, Laughing Dog.

But as for the aforementioned confession? It concerns not Carmen or the Dog. But rather, another video game hero and his gelatinous friend.

A Boy and His Blob.

I’m sure at some point I must have asked for this particular cartridge, because it doesn’t seem to be the type of game one of you would have seen on the shelf and been drawn to. I’d like to borrow the premise of the game from Wikipedia:

“A Boy and His Blob: Trouble on Blobolonia is a side-scrolling platformer in which the character and his friend Blob (full name Blobert) travel together on earth and on Blobert's home planet Blobolonia in a quest to defeat the evil emperor. Blobert can change into several different items when he is fed jelly beans. A licorice jelly bean, for instance, will change Blobert into a ladder, while a honey jelly bean will turn him into a hummingbird. Most of these transformations can be remembered mnemonically due to a correlation between the flavor of the jelly bean and the item that results.”

The truth is: I never figured out how to get past the opening screen. Seriously. For all the hours I tried to crack the blobular code, I got nowhere. I'm sure that had I figured how the game, I don't know, begins, it was probably challenging and perhaps educational. However, my gameplay was limited to winging candy at a glorified albino Hershey Kiss.

So thanks for the game, parents. But I've failed you.

I never got my passport stamped on Blobolonia.

Toby Keith Wears Bootas, Too

I work for a patriotic company. My patriotic company’s primary customer is the federal government, which is no doubt a patriotic way of doing business. Our logo contains only patriotic colors, the lanyard around my neck says “USA” in no less than 6 places, and our ads on Metrobuses feature our employees looking to the sky in some sort of patriotic tribute. It’s largely rumored that there’s a flock of bald eagles soaring across the sky just off-camera. Who wouldn’t look at such a site?

Communists. Communists wouldn’t look.

Furthermore, many of the civic service programs and initiatives our company carries out are for patriotic ends. Take the current supply drive that is occupying nearly 70% of the lobby downstairs. Because you can’t buy a Blackhawk helicopter for what you could have ten years ago at the Walgreen’s downtown, our federal defense budget has little room for many things that our fighting men and women could use over in Iraq. We’re not talking weaponry or armor here; no, it’s the simple supplies that make life so much easier that we so often take for granted stateside. Therefore, any employee of our patriotic firm that can part with new socks, batteries, DVDs that don’t suck, footballs, and the like are encouraged to do so. Patriotically.

However, our building has no less than 6 entrances, and most of the actual employees don’t come through the pristine lobby, thereby missing the solider supply drive altogether. Don’t worry though, military personnel. Whoever’s in charge here has thought of that and posted, well, posters in all of the elevator cabs. Since the first floor it largely common area, it is assumed that nearly everyone uses the elevators. This is called an ad saturation immersion strategy. There’s just one tiny problem here.

Proofread for your country.

The “Support Our Troops” campaign is a noble name, and it appears in four places (patriotically) on the full-color, one page flyer. Who doesn’t want to support troops? They’re doing a job you don’t want to do, and they look cool doing it. Well, apparently SpellCheck doesn’t want to support the troops. After all, there’s a rectangular banner in red and white that borders the entire flyer. And within the red bordered ribbon, the following phrase is repeated over and over:

SUPPORT YOUR TROOPAS.

Easily the greatest typo since I was asked to donate bloof, it appears that not only does patriotism mean supporting the UNITED STATES, but now it also means that I should claim allegiance to the foot soldiers of King Koopa.

And I thought the French made for strange bedfellows.

Koopa Troopas, or mildly agitated turtles, spent the 80’s not as a part of Iran-Contra, but instead torturing a portly Italian plumber and his slightly taller, definitely more fashionable brother, Luigi. Maybe we’ve decided to ally with the villains of the Super Mario Brothers series for diplomatic reasons, but it’s more likely that it goes back to the lines drawn in the sand during WWII. After all, was Mario’s home country not a member of the Axis of Evil? Italia, we remain divided to this day.

I suppose you’re curious as to what a bunch of two-dimensional slow-moving baddies from a 1986 video game can bring to America’s efforts in Iraq. Here’s a listing of the Troopa capabilities.

Goomba – clearly a land force, as they have never once shown any inclination to become airborne. Will attempt to defeat insurgents by running them over at 2 MPH.

Bullet Bill – heavy artillery corps; Bill’s weaponry can go for miles without feeling the adverse affects of gravity. We could just fire them from here, you know, if Africa wasn’t in the way.

Blooper – The Troopas’ equivalent of a Navy Seal force. Curious zig-zag attack pattern particularly helpful in avoiding Persian Gulf depth charges.

Boo – covert spies; especially good at Red Light, Green Light on the streets of Fallujah

Bond? Mattias Bond?

Hey, look! ACTUAL reader mail!

“Oh great YAB master, since this new year ends in Double-O Seven, does that mean I now I have licence to kill?”
- Mattias Caro

It’s really an outstanding question, and with Casino Royale still in theaters, I’m slightly astounded that United Artists have yet to work this into some second-run promos. I’d suggest Mattias give up his pursuit of law to work for Sony Pictures, but before he does I’ll warn him. Despite an incredible 2006 and Spider-man 3 coming this summer, the next month of Sony flicks requires some serious Yard-Stomping. And I just can’t picture Matty on an urban step team. Huh.

Let’s move to the actual question. If Mattias is correct in his assumption, this will mark only the second time since the birth of Christ that society actually has been given the licence to kill (and yes, that’s the British, or Worse, spelling). No one refers to the 7 A.D. as 007 A.D., which is why a young Jesus never considered turning water into martini. That leaves our only precedent on the topic to be 1007, A.D. According to Wikipedia, King Aethelred the Unready of England did not spend 1007 killing, but instead paid the Danes 36,000 pounds of silver for two years of following peace.

That’s nearly 49 pounds of silver a day. Yeah, Aethelred got hosed.

So despite the greatest efforts of Ian Fleming, it does not appear that the coincidence that this year ends in 007 has any ability to distribute or renew licences to kill. And even if it were, you couldn’t actually get any good killing in until at least July. Since our country only really has one outlet for licence administration, you would have to apply for said licence at the DMV.

Take a number.

While we’re sorry to disappoint, we don’t like to leave our readers empty-handed. Now, by our count, we’ve only actually watched 6 of the 22 James Bond movies, but we certainly hate when people to us like we’ve seen ‘em all. In order to combat looking stupid in a cinematic cocktail party discussion, and also to avoid spending 32 hours of our life watching the rest of the Bonds just so we can be “in the know,” we’ve developed a cheatsheet. At any party, in my shirt pocket there’s a Fun Fact for each of the 22 flicks that we can wow the world with. As a thank you for your loyal readership, we transcribe our notecard now:

1. “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service” – George Lazenby’s only turn as James Bond.
2. “For Your Eyes Only" - The final film to be solely produced by United Artists.
3. “Dr. No” – the most fun Charade clue to put in the hat of all time. There’s nothing better than watching the other team make their players realize the second word is “No” without helpless thinking they’re on the wrong track.
4. “Goldfinger” – The best James Bond theme was easily the one by Moby. In it is a line of dialogue – “Do you expect me to talk? No! Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!” - This comes from Goldfinger. And Moby’s a vegan.
5. “Live and Let Die” – Axl Rose wrote the screenplay.
6. “Licence to Kill” – Lowest-grossing Bond film.
7. “Thunderball” – Highest-grossing Bond film
8. “Octopussy” – Grossest-named Bond film.
9. “Tomorrow Never Dies” – Since I work for a scientific firm, I can tell you this. Most nuclear scientists don’t look like Denise Richards. (by most, we mean all)
10. “Diamonds are Forever” – The Bond girl was named Plenty O’Toole. Must have been Irish.
11. “The Spy Who Loved Me” – This is Ian Fleming’s spoof film in which he satirizes the classic spy film, “Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me.”
12. “The Living Daylights” – Theme song was performed by a-Ha. And the entire film was sketched in black and white, much like a comic book.
13. “From Russia with Love” – In Russia, you don’t shake martini. In Russia, Martini shakes you.
14. “You Only Live Twice” – budget for production was approximately 36,000 pounds of silver.
15. “Casino Royale” – Daniel Craig makes Grimm’s teeth sweat.
16. “Die Another Day” – The secret weapon is the movie? Named “Icarus.” Mattias, it appears you missed your chance to apply for that licence.
17. “The Man with the Golden Gun” – Considering that Saruman from LOTR played the baddie, we’re surprised Roger Moore actually survived the shooting schedule.
18. “Tomorrow Never Dies” – Conversely, Yesterday Always Lives.
19. “A View to a Kill” – Roger Moore’s swansong. Just for fun, Q invented a gatling gun that looks like a swan.
20. “Moonraker” – Yeah, we have no idea how he got into outer space either.
21. “Goldeneye” – Nothing beats Rockets in the Temple. NOTHING.

Hi. I'm Blog Man.

With Christmas shopping reminders everywhere, YAB is lucky to know that you’re sitting here in front of your computer rather than killing time at work purchasing gifts for loved ones at one of those e-commerce superstores. Yeah, we may not have a shopping cart here for you to you, but take solace that we were part of a nefarious scheme to steal a shopping cart in order to film a scene of Mafia: The Move.

No shopping carts were harmed in the filming of Mafia: The Movie.

For Katie and I in Apartment World, we don’t have to deal with many of those store circulars. First off, we don’t subscribe to a newspaper, since the web is perfectly fine as a periodical source (if you don’t mind those creepy dancing silhouette people in the pop up ads for Lowermybills.com.) Secondly, we live in a new building, so junk mailers don’t even know our residence exists. If you would like to mail us a Christmas card, our address is

The Condons
Under the Radar
Question Mark, Virginia 22Q3BORK

However, when we do come across the latest ad from Best Buy or Circuit City, we’re pleased to see that no matter which side of the Nintendo Wii vs. Sony Playstation 3 battle you take, you’ve supported the economy of the Rising Sun.

I, for one, welcome our Japanese electronic overlords.

With the exception of Xbox, our video gaming lives have been centered around the creative ideas of Japanese programmers. Some games have translated incredibly well – others leave you more confused than when you began. (Take this one, for example.) It is true that video games have made great advancements over the systems on which our generation was raised. But little has changed as to the mentality of the Japanese programmer. Their maxim remains the same: “We can make the Americans scared of ANYTHING.”

Perhaps this is why so many recent horror movies have been based on a Japanese original. The Ring, The Grudge, Mr. Baseball – all of them have roots in the far East. But when Japan decided we needed to turn random elements of nature and science into nightmares for children, they turned to a tiny space warrior with a penchant for getting sucked into games of chicken with a mad scientist a la Marty McFly. That’s right.

We’re talking about Mega Man.

Mega Man, whose only qualifications to be a hero of over 10 editions of the same game is that he’s well, Mega, is an eternal struggle with Dr. Wily, who’s probably much luckier than had his surname been Clumsy or Eatspaste. Each game in the series forces double-M to do battle with a series of robots with specific strengths based on what ever chapter in his high school science book the good Doctor had opened that day. (Why Wily never figured out assembly line production or Nuclear Man is beyond this blog.)

The first game featured robots that could harness the true powers of the universe, and thus, strike fear into the hearts of American children. Ice Man, Bomb Man, Fire Man – all worthy adversaries that did well to not get lost in translation. Later editions of the series would feature foes such as Metal Man, Heat Man, Needle Man, Skull Man – and Mega Man handled them all with class. (Little did Dr. Wily know, Mega Man’s real weakness? The ladies.)

However, some horrific ideas just didn’t take. Wily and his Japanese brain trust, clearly up against some publishing deadline, slid in a few characters, that will, just didn’t hit that fright standard. The worst five follow now.

1. Bubble Man (MMII) – Never once have seen a bubble coming right for my car windshield and thought, “Oh my God – I’ve got to veer for my life.”
2. Centaur Man (MMVI) – His special talent? Redundancy!
3. Wood Man (MMII) – Here’s a picture. You decide if he’s scary, or just a national park malcontent.
4. Dust Man (MMIV) – If there’s a household appliance specifically designed to bust your superpower, your power probably isn’t all that super.
5. Gyro Man (MMV) – You like-uh the juice?
   

Sadly, Rocket Man was never an enemy in the Mega Man series. Will it ever happen? Well, we think it’s gonna to be a long, long time.