Toby Keith Wears Bootas, Too

I work for a patriotic company. My patriotic company’s primary customer is the federal government, which is no doubt a patriotic way of doing business. Our logo contains only patriotic colors, the lanyard around my neck says “USA” in no less than 6 places, and our ads on Metrobuses feature our employees looking to the sky in some sort of patriotic tribute. It’s largely rumored that there’s a flock of bald eagles soaring across the sky just off-camera. Who wouldn’t look at such a site?

Communists. Communists wouldn’t look.

Furthermore, many of the civic service programs and initiatives our company carries out are for patriotic ends. Take the current supply drive that is occupying nearly 70% of the lobby downstairs. Because you can’t buy a Blackhawk helicopter for what you could have ten years ago at the Walgreen’s downtown, our federal defense budget has little room for many things that our fighting men and women could use over in Iraq. We’re not talking weaponry or armor here; no, it’s the simple supplies that make life so much easier that we so often take for granted stateside. Therefore, any employee of our patriotic firm that can part with new socks, batteries, DVDs that don’t suck, footballs, and the like are encouraged to do so. Patriotically.

However, our building has no less than 6 entrances, and most of the actual employees don’t come through the pristine lobby, thereby missing the solider supply drive altogether. Don’t worry though, military personnel. Whoever’s in charge here has thought of that and posted, well, posters in all of the elevator cabs. Since the first floor it largely common area, it is assumed that nearly everyone uses the elevators. This is called an ad saturation immersion strategy. There’s just one tiny problem here.

Proofread for your country.

The “Support Our Troops” campaign is a noble name, and it appears in four places (patriotically) on the full-color, one page flyer. Who doesn’t want to support troops? They’re doing a job you don’t want to do, and they look cool doing it. Well, apparently SpellCheck doesn’t want to support the troops. After all, there’s a rectangular banner in red and white that borders the entire flyer. And within the red bordered ribbon, the following phrase is repeated over and over:

SUPPORT YOUR TROOPAS.

Easily the greatest typo since I was asked to donate bloof, it appears that not only does patriotism mean supporting the UNITED STATES, but now it also means that I should claim allegiance to the foot soldiers of King Koopa.

And I thought the French made for strange bedfellows.

Koopa Troopas, or mildly agitated turtles, spent the 80’s not as a part of Iran-Contra, but instead torturing a portly Italian plumber and his slightly taller, definitely more fashionable brother, Luigi. Maybe we’ve decided to ally with the villains of the Super Mario Brothers series for diplomatic reasons, but it’s more likely that it goes back to the lines drawn in the sand during WWII. After all, was Mario’s home country not a member of the Axis of Evil? Italia, we remain divided to this day.

I suppose you’re curious as to what a bunch of two-dimensional slow-moving baddies from a 1986 video game can bring to America’s efforts in Iraq. Here’s a listing of the Troopa capabilities.

Goomba – clearly a land force, as they have never once shown any inclination to become airborne. Will attempt to defeat insurgents by running them over at 2 MPH.

Bullet Bill – heavy artillery corps; Bill’s weaponry can go for miles without feeling the adverse affects of gravity. We could just fire them from here, you know, if Africa wasn’t in the way.

Blooper – The Troopas’ equivalent of a Navy Seal force. Curious zig-zag attack pattern particularly helpful in avoiding Persian Gulf depth charges.

Boo – covert spies; especially good at Red Light, Green Light on the streets of Fallujah