Bond? Mattias Bond?

Hey, look! ACTUAL reader mail!

“Oh great YAB master, since this new year ends in Double-O Seven, does that mean I now I have licence to kill?”
- Mattias Caro

It’s really an outstanding question, and with Casino Royale still in theaters, I’m slightly astounded that United Artists have yet to work this into some second-run promos. I’d suggest Mattias give up his pursuit of law to work for Sony Pictures, but before he does I’ll warn him. Despite an incredible 2006 and Spider-man 3 coming this summer, the next month of Sony flicks requires some serious Yard-Stomping. And I just can’t picture Matty on an urban step team. Huh.

Let’s move to the actual question. If Mattias is correct in his assumption, this will mark only the second time since the birth of Christ that society actually has been given the licence to kill (and yes, that’s the British, or Worse, spelling). No one refers to the 7 A.D. as 007 A.D., which is why a young Jesus never considered turning water into martini. That leaves our only precedent on the topic to be 1007, A.D. According to Wikipedia, King Aethelred the Unready of England did not spend 1007 killing, but instead paid the Danes 36,000 pounds of silver for two years of following peace.

That’s nearly 49 pounds of silver a day. Yeah, Aethelred got hosed.

So despite the greatest efforts of Ian Fleming, it does not appear that the coincidence that this year ends in 007 has any ability to distribute or renew licences to kill. And even if it were, you couldn’t actually get any good killing in until at least July. Since our country only really has one outlet for licence administration, you would have to apply for said licence at the DMV.

Take a number.

While we’re sorry to disappoint, we don’t like to leave our readers empty-handed. Now, by our count, we’ve only actually watched 6 of the 22 James Bond movies, but we certainly hate when people to us like we’ve seen ‘em all. In order to combat looking stupid in a cinematic cocktail party discussion, and also to avoid spending 32 hours of our life watching the rest of the Bonds just so we can be “in the know,” we’ve developed a cheatsheet. At any party, in my shirt pocket there’s a Fun Fact for each of the 22 flicks that we can wow the world with. As a thank you for your loyal readership, we transcribe our notecard now:

1. “On Her Majesty’s Secret Service” – George Lazenby’s only turn as James Bond.
2. “For Your Eyes Only" - The final film to be solely produced by United Artists.
3. “Dr. No” – the most fun Charade clue to put in the hat of all time. There’s nothing better than watching the other team make their players realize the second word is “No” without helpless thinking they’re on the wrong track.
4. “Goldfinger” – The best James Bond theme was easily the one by Moby. In it is a line of dialogue – “Do you expect me to talk? No! Mr. Bond, I expect you to die!” - This comes from Goldfinger. And Moby’s a vegan.
5. “Live and Let Die” – Axl Rose wrote the screenplay.
6. “Licence to Kill” – Lowest-grossing Bond film.
7. “Thunderball” – Highest-grossing Bond film
8. “Octopussy” – Grossest-named Bond film.
9. “Tomorrow Never Dies” – Since I work for a scientific firm, I can tell you this. Most nuclear scientists don’t look like Denise Richards. (by most, we mean all)
10. “Diamonds are Forever” – The Bond girl was named Plenty O’Toole. Must have been Irish.
11. “The Spy Who Loved Me” – This is Ian Fleming’s spoof film in which he satirizes the classic spy film, “Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me.”
12. “The Living Daylights” – Theme song was performed by a-Ha. And the entire film was sketched in black and white, much like a comic book.
13. “From Russia with Love” – In Russia, you don’t shake martini. In Russia, Martini shakes you.
14. “You Only Live Twice” – budget for production was approximately 36,000 pounds of silver.
15. “Casino Royale” – Daniel Craig makes Grimm’s teeth sweat.
16. “Die Another Day” – The secret weapon is the movie? Named “Icarus.” Mattias, it appears you missed your chance to apply for that licence.
17. “The Man with the Golden Gun” – Considering that Saruman from LOTR played the baddie, we’re surprised Roger Moore actually survived the shooting schedule.
18. “Tomorrow Never Dies” – Conversely, Yesterday Always Lives.
19. “A View to a Kill” – Roger Moore’s swansong. Just for fun, Q invented a gatling gun that looks like a swan.
20. “Moonraker” – Yeah, we have no idea how he got into outer space either.
21. “Goldeneye” – Nothing beats Rockets in the Temple. NOTHING.