Vending the Rules

There are certain inalienable truths in office building life. The last parking spot in the garage will be occupied by the Geo Metro you didn't see. The interior climate will force you to wear a parka to important meetings. Elevator chitchat is always awkward and never productive. But most importantly, vending machines will be your sworn enemy. If you let them.

I've often thought about posting a list on the sidebar of the blog a list of sworn enemies. You know, people that I have no interest in supporting, even though they've done a goold job of shooting themselves in the collective foot already. But everytime I think of doing this, the only people who come to mind are The Ice Queen - Svetlana Khorkina, and the director who gave birth to both Baby Geniuses and its stellar sequel. Don't get me wrong, both of these carry some serious clout, but I just feel that until I stop making friends (and therefore, more enemies,) that YABfeature is going to have to wait.

Unless of course, I can add inanimate objects to the aforementioned list...

Picture this scenario, if you will: It's the middle of the afternoon. It's only been a few short hours since you downed that unsatisfying salad for lunch, and several long hours before you take your culinary skills to task, putting together a fine dining experience that includes neither the words "Eggo" or "Hot Pocket." In order to tide thyself over during this food void, you disengage from your office chair, saunter on down to the breakroom area, and prepare to do battle with the twin monoliths of doom, or as my more normal co-workers call them, the vending machines.

As you pull your wallet out and shuffle through its contents for just one fresh new dollar bill, you, as usual, have a difficult time finding such a piece of legal tender. However, in your exploration, somewhere between that college ID you still use to get discount movie tickets and and that supermarket savings card from an establishment you haven't been to in years (cough*FoodLion*cough), you find a mysterious folded notecard. On its outside - "The 7 Simple Rules of Vending Machines." On the inside, said rules. So before you jam that portrait of Mr. Washington into the monolith, please heed the following advice.

1. You will always be disappointed. Don't get your hopes up. Appetite satisfaction will not come courtesy of a visit to the vending machine. Something will go wrong, and you need to accept that fact. What seems like a simple currency-for-junk food transaction is far from simple; it's like trying to find a Butterfiner that isn't broken within its wrapper.
2. Gravity works. The mechanics of a vending machine are pretty simple. Money goes in, selected item goes plunging towards the center of the earth at approximately 9.8 m/s/s. That's gravity baby, and there's nothing you can do about it. Candy will break. Chips will smash. Carbonated beverages will turn into ticking bombs, waiting to be detonated with a simple twist of the wrist. Stay away.
3. The Chessboard Effect - Most candy machines feature the coil schematic, where you can see the rows of candy all the way to the back of the machine. The coil will twist, and the front line item will fall to its digestive doom. Here's the catch. The good candy is always second in line. It's like the FastBreaks and Twix of the world are no better than rooks and bishops, and unless someone is willing to take that pawn of a Mr. Goodbar off your hands, the power pieces will remained trapped behind. FOR-EV-ER.
4. Slim Pickens' - Back to the soda side of the equation. Generally speaking, soda machines provide you with an array of choices, and the stock of each is normally well-mainted. UNLESS - you're actually thirsty and had a predetermined choice in mind. If that's the case, don't count on that Cherry Coke to be there. You're going to be stuck with that stupid lemonade that nobody likes.
5. Change is Good. - Most snack machines have a three-tiered pricing structure. Gum is the cheapest (and people fail to notice them on the bottom level), then there's another two leves, normally about 15 cents apart. Regardless of what you want, you will be about 1 dime short of your goal. And I guarantee you exactly that amount, at some point, fell to the ground and rolled under the machine. Are you gonna be the guy to reach under and get it? Mm-hmm.
6. Getting fresh. - Or, if you would like to avoid nickel and diming your way to a pack of Twizzlers, you can always go the route of the dollar bill. And as countless commercials and tv sitcoms have shown before, there's is not a single bill in circulation today that conforms to the rigid standards of the almighty vending machine. Best of luck.
7. Myth of the Double Play - Everybody knows someone who put in their dollar-fifteen on some idle Tuesday, pressed the Coke button, and ended up with not 20, but 40 ounces of ice cold refreshment. That's right, those freak incidents when the vending gods screw up and send two bottle of soda down the pike. This isn't divine intervention. It just means that the person before you just got screwed. And he's thirsty. And he's me.

An Altitude Adjustment

I’m curious as to the other websites you visit when you’re not doing what ever the heck it is you are supposed to be doing. Can any of them claim that their source data was written at 28,000 feet above the earth (and climbing)? Trust me, the only Yahoo you’ll find up here is what skydivers yell right before jumping. And asking Jeeves just about anything in a pressurized airplane cabin will only get you some mumbled answer about returning your tray tables to an upright position.

We here at YAB are trying to cope with typing on a jet with precision and speed. However, both objectives are easier said than done. You see, the former is tough with this tricky turbulence issue. In fact, probably before I post this, I’m going to have to spellcheck the heck out of this; otherwise, this entry will look like a spelling bee between Mattias and Nordberg. As for the latter, my words per minute will be affected by the fact that we’re currently flying over the South. Everything’s a little slower down here. (Insert your own “Oh, snap!” joke here.)

I can’t say that I’m a frequent flyer, so I find myself greeting the whole Point-A-to-Point-B-soaring-through-clouds experience with enthusiasm and excitement. I mean, with new comfy stadium-style movie theaters becoming all the rage, I need to find somewhere to be forced to sit like a Super Pretzel, right?

Here are some quick-hit thoughts concerning the current state of air travel. I’d give you paragraphs, but having your knees wedged within your ribcage tends to hinder the whole coherent writing process.

• If you EVER get the opportunity to take a 5:30 AM flight out of the not the first, not the second, but the third-closest airport to your residence, take it. I highly recommended it. Reasons being: 1) Traffic is awesome. I listened to our local news talk radio station this morning at 3:58 AM, and the traffic guy literally had to just name all the roads that are normally a lost cause and report that they’re absolutely fine, just so he can fill his 45 second programming timeslot. This is the rewarding part of his job – it’s like being the weatherman in San Diego. Everyone would like him if he had this news at rush hour. Buying him drinks, left and right, I’m sure. Ok, 2) If at any point you say something completely senseless or incoherent later in the day, you’ve built yourself a failsafe excuse as to why you’ve left logic on the baggage claim.
  
• Electronic ticketing is a gift from above. The days of winding in and out of a cleverly-devised people trap are over. Now you can go right up to one of these touchscreen kiosks. Print your ticket, change your seat, change your flight, play some Frogger, you can do it all. (Well, except that Frogger part). More things should go the way of the touchscreen kiosk, in my opinion. Just imagine the possibilities. Touchscreen grocery checkout, sandwich ordering, movie tickets – wait, you mean that all of these are already possible? Hmm, ok, time for Condon to take it up a notch. Touchscreen-touchscreen kiosks – This will be a central kiosk that will operate all peripheral kiosks. You can do all of these functions from the comfort of your seat? What? Those exist already? Computers? Hmm…looks like I’ll never get ahead of the curve…
  
• US Airways has also made the flight attendants largely obsolete. When it’s time to strap in and take off, video screens drop down from the ceiling and show a segment on how to comply with all air safety regulations. Ok, so we’re in the next century, automated is cool. But I found a way to make it cooler. Picture this scenario. You miss that whole “Turn off electronic devices” on the video because you are listening to your electronic Dell mp3 player. The song randomly chosen for this moment in time is the driving techno-electronica “Sandstorm,” from Darude. Never in your life will “looking at the instruction card in the seat pocket” or “operating the drop-down oxygen mask” seem so important. I was so pumped up by the music, I almost cheered at the end. Of course, this would have been the exact moment when the video told us about needing to evacuate the plane in the event of a horrific crash. Umm…awkward?!?
  
• Every person in my row ordered tomato juice from the beverage cart. 5 for 5. Why is this? I have never seen anyone drink tomato juice other than on an airplane. What is it about airborne transportation makes one thing, “Man, I could go for some slightly acidic ketchup right now!”? I stick to my apple juice in a can with the requisite ice water mixer, thank you very much.
  
• As I type this, my laptop, Attica, has joined my knees deep within my ribcage. Why, you may ask? Simple. Another uncanny coincidence in air travel has to do with reclining seats. People who opt to recline seats, I guarantee you, are always placed directly in front of the following three passenger types. 1 – people over 75” in height. 2 – people trying to use a laptop. 3 – a combination of both 1 and 2. Like clockwork.
  
  And that’s five for flying.

The Mid-Terminal

Alright, alright, the Oscars are over. Let's return to our daily attempt at some good, old-fashion funnybringing.

As I may or may not have alluded to, the Fantastic Four of Governor's Square - Chrispudaveberg - will be taking it to the streets of New Orleans this week. Seems like simple enough of a vacation to plan, right? I mean, spring break is coming up for all four of these post-grad lads? Why don't they just take off then for a few days of Cajun cooking and playing Marco Polo in the mighty Mississippi?
Call me Will Smith, 'cause I'm the Hitch in this.

Well, as you know, The Condon-patented "Twice the Work, Twice the Fun" Program requires all participants (read: just Condon) to take a full load of courses while holding down a full-time job. So, if the Fantastic Four (not coming to a theater near you) is to take off, then it looks like Condon will have to take off work for a few days. Done.

Nope, that's not going to do it...

Oh, right, the class thing. Looks like George Washington, aside from being a patriot and a President, also dabbled in the fine science that is meteorology. For while the founders of UNC-Chapel Hill and Vanderbilt may think spring falls in the first full week of March, Mr. Washington did not. Instead, he figured spring to be delayed by one more full week. (Strangely enough, his fellow statesman George Mason would have agreed with him, but that clever Cornelius Vanderbilt fellow convinced him it was this week. So impressionable, that guy.) And therefore, by majority rule, the trip shall not be during the spring break. No proble, Condon's felxible like Gumby. I'll just book a flight that gets me back by the time I have class on Wednesday. Double done.

Now what?

Let's see, I know I have not talked about my spring clourses yet here on YAB, so here's a quick analogy. My spring semester is not unlike Rice Krispies. My Information Systems should be a snap, Managerial Accounting is so boring that the professor crackles like static on a busted television, and if I don't keep up with the breakneck pace of my Saturday World Economy professor, my head is going to pop. Now just because a person goes on vacation every now and then, doesn't mean that their reliance on a healthy breakfast does the same. Therefore, even though I've jumped through the work and class hoops, I've still got to deal with the cereal of my life.

Three Exams. Four Days. D'oh!

Ok, in order to deal with the last monkeywrench in the toolbox (or zoo, depending on your preference), it's time to harken back to the days of William and Mary to figure out what Undergrad Chris would do at a time like this. Let's see, turning back the clock, we must find a similar situation where U.C. had a lot to do without a whole lot of time to do it. From what I hear, his pressure cooker writing sessions were legendary. The One Draft Wonder, he was known as in some circles. Quick with the keystokes, ready with results. Alright, now if we can get this time machine to work, I'm sure we'll see Condon punding away at the computer...

What? What's that?

Apparently the secret to the pressue cram apparently isn't the clock, or the class, or the climb to completion.

It's Wawa.

So as I study in the Terminal at BWI this week, let's hope that the Convenience Store King has found its way into the airport kiosk biz. Not that I'm worried, but that would rock.

Oh, I want to be in that number...

When the Saints Go Marching In.

You've got to love patriotic music. It's the music of America. It's the music of freedom. It's the music you learned in elementary school whether you liked it or not. You learned that this land was not made just for you, that flags could be both grand and old, and that somewhere in our country there were kings that their subjects had to call "The Purple Mountain Majesties." I'm cool with learning this music at such a young age. Kids today should be proud to be Americans (even if they've never heard of Lee Greenwood.) Growing up in other nations would be much different. Hell, I'm not even talking about underdeveloped countries. I hear in England, they don't teach you patriotic music. Just the greatest collective works of Wham! Eech.

But amidst all of these flag waving ditties, it seems that a point was chalked up in the God column. That's right, between the choruses of America the Beautiful and My Country Tis of Thee, I have no doubt you learned the lyrics to the spiritual "When the Saints Go Marching In." That's right, a spiritual. Wickedness and the snares of the Devil will be vanquished when those old saints come marching in. Spirituals are tricky tunes. Heck, their very origins are rooted in the game of singing some words to mean something completely different. (You hear that, L.F.O.? Lyrics are supposed to MEAN something..) Symbolically speaking, this song speaks volumes. It's a song of ethereal battle, with God playing the role of the New England Patriots, and the Devil, ironically enough, playing the role of the New Orleans Saints.

Of course, kids don't understand symbolism at the age of learning W.T.S.G.M.I. Not until they are taught the Cask of Amontillado in middle school does the word allegory even remotely touch their lips. Well, your blogger extraordinaire never did well with Poe, and often finds himself completely misunderstanding symbolism altogether. He's often got a case of Literalitis, for which there is no cure, and occasionally he shows the symptoms of Misunderstoodia. Condon's a sick man.

I think When the Saints Go Marching In means even more than you think.

Sure, the Light vanquishing the Dark - that's definitely in there. But what you, good readers, do not realize, is that the song takes special meaning for the adventure I shall have taken this morning while you were asleep in your beds (1 bed per reader, I got the tenses right, trust me.) Oh, I will wait for that number, yes, that number that when called will allow me to join the march. That number is 1242. And that march is sponsored by none other than USAir.

I can hear the trumpets and jazz band now.

Those saints? Yeah, they're there, destroying the demons, but lest we forget those saints using our highly developed gift of airborne travel. They will come from D.C. And from New York. And Nashville. And wherever the heck Nordberg is coming from. We're Big Easy bound. And we all plan to march in between 8:47 and 9:27 AM.

And I'll let you wonder how the blog will roll on while Condon is on vacation. Let's just say it's taken care of. I aim to please.

Epiblog - The episode of Saved by the Bell where the Glee Club sings the aforementioned song is one of their best. Especially because Scott Wolf plays a dorky extra in it. That Zack, lip syncing the whole thing. What will that boy come up with next? (Especially now that NYPD Blue is done...) I smell Saved by the Bell: The Grad School Years. Sweet.

I Need to Tell You About the Oscar

Whoa.

Like Chris promised, I, Keanu Reeves, am here to walk you through the 2nd half of OP2.0’s Academy Rewards results. Can’t say I’m invited to that throwdown too often these days. I’ve tried to put my acting chops to the test, with heartfelt, emotional dramas like Sweet November and A Walk in the Clouds. But then again, sometime all I’ve got is Johnny Mnemonic in me.

So let me describe to you my thoughts on the Oscars. The Oscars are real. Well, there’s not a guy named Oscar, he’s not real, it’s a made up world where Oscar is a real guy, but the actors are real, the characters they play are not, so confused, there is no spoon, realtime, unreal performances, I know kung fu?

(Chris told me not to try and use my brain in this guestblog. Ow.)

Ok, before I blow a gasket, here’s the other 12 Oscars from the 77th Academy Awards.

Best Sound Editing
The Incredibles – 56%
The Polar Express - 20%
Spider-man 2 – 24%

Who Chris picked: Spider-man 2
Who Keanu picked: Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure
Who should have won: The Incredibles
Analysis – An Oscar for sound editing for an animated movie? Despite Chris’ pick, that sounds like a pretty good deal. But I think I may have a better one. How about, I give you the finger, and you give me my phone call? How’s that for sound editing?

Best Sound
The Aviator – 32%
The Incredibles – 12%
The Polar Express – 4%
Ray – 48%
Spider-man 2 – 4%

Who Chris picked: Ray
Who Keanu picked: Chain Reaction
Who should have won: Ray
Analysis – Ah, I love sound. You hear that Mr. Condon? That is the sound of inevitability. It is the sound of your dea- (Condon jumps in and smacks the guest blogger.) – I mean, Ray was a great film.

Best Visual Effects
Harry Potter – Azkaban – 20%
I, Robot – 44%
Spider-man 2 – 36%

Who Chris picked: Spider-man 2
Who Keanu picked: Hardball
Who should have won: Spider-man 2
Analysis – Whoa. The party finally got one wrong. But not Condon. He’s most excellent. An honorary third member of Wyld Stallyns, indeed.

Best Foreign Language Film
As It Is in Heaven – 16%
The Chorus – 28%
Downfall – 4%
The Sea Inside – 40%
Yesterday – 12%

Who Chris picked: The Chorus
Who Keanu picked: Much Ado About Nothing
Who should have won: No idea whatsoever.
Analysis – I saw A Very Long Engagement and Motorcycle Diaries this year, and both should have been up for this Award. This is an outrage, and I believe that the Academy should reward their eligibility guidelines. (CPC - I shall not stand for this any longer. Will somebody please unplug Neo from the Matrix’s “Refined Speech” Module? It’s just annoying.)


Best Art Direction
The Aviator – 24%
Finding Neverland - 28%
Lemony Snicket’s – 8%
The Phantom of the Opera – 28%
A Very Long Engagement – 12%

Who Chris picked: The Aviator
Who Keanu picked: Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey
Who should have won: The Aviator
Analysis – San Dimas High School Football Rules!

Best Makeup
Lemony Snicket’s – 44%
The Passion of the Christ – 48%
The Sea Inside – 8%

Who Chris picked: The Passion of the Christ
Who Keanu picked: The Passion of the Replacements
Who should have won: The Passion of the Christ
Analysis – I can’t say that many of my roles have required a whole lot of makeup. Not like in the Passion, anyway, where the wounds couldn’t have been more lifelike. I guess I wore eyeliner in Constantine, but I really have no idea why that movie made money. Boo.

Best Costume
The Aviator – 44%
Finding Neverland – 12%
Lemony Snicket’s – 32%
Ray – 0%
Troy – 12%

Who Chris picked: Finding Neverland
Who Keanu picked: The Matrix
Who should have won: Anyone but Ray
Analysis – How cool would it have been if when Howard Hughes walks into the Congress hearings, he was wearing sunglasses anda long black leather trench coat? Alan Alda would not have been nearly as persistent with those pesky questions. I know kung fu?

Best Original Song
Accidentally in Love, Shrek 2 – 44%
Al Otro Lado del Rio, Motorcycle Diaries – 16%
Believe, The Polar Express – 12%
Learn to Be Lonely, Phantom of the Opera – 24%
Look to Your Path, The Chorus – 4%

Who Chris picked: Learn to Be Lonely
Who Keanu picked: Anything by Wyld Stallyns
Who should have won: Accidentally in Love
Analysis – If this post goes below 55 words per minute, the blog is going to explode. Moving on…


Best Animated Short
Birthday Boy – 8%
Gopher Broke – 36%
Guard Dog – 16%
Lorenzo – 32%
Ryan – 8%

Who Chris picked: Guard Dog
Who Keanu picked: Point Break
Who should have won: Ryan, we guess.
Analysis – You're sayin' the FBI's gonna pay me to learn to surf? (Clearly, I have no idea what to say here. I never learned to read.)

Best Documentary Feature
Born into Brothels – 8%
Story of the Weeping Camel – 8%
Super Size Me – 80%
Tupac: Resurrection – 4%
Twist of Faith – 0%

Who Chris picked: Born into Brothels
Who Keanu picked: Balloons for 800, Alex
Who should have won: Born into Brothels
Analysis – Someone should do a documentary on me. Yeah, that’s a great idea! It could be about my quest to do a movie with a state in the name for the entire U.S. Let’s see, I was in My Own Private Idado, Feeling Minnesota, The Prince of Pennsylvania, I was Johnny Utah. What’s next? How about the superhero flick the Indianables?

Best Live Action Short
Everything in this Country Must – 8%
Little Terrorist – 44%
7:35 in the Morning – 16%
Two Cars, One Night – 16%
Wasp – 16%

Who Chris picked: Little Terrorist
Who Keanu picked: N/A (went to get a corn dog)
Who should have won: Wasp
Analysis – This is one excellent corn dog. I could eat eleventy billion of these things.

Best Short Documentary
Autism is a World – 40%
Children of Leningradsky – 28%
Hardwood – 8%
Mighty Times: Children’ March – 8%
Sister Rose’s Passion – 16%

Who Chris picked: Autisum is a World
Who Keanu picked: Paula Abdul’s “Rush” video
Who should have won: Mighty Times…
Analysis – Well, it’s clear Condon picked the right guy to fill in while he works on actual work. It’s been a pleasure to write down all these words for you folks. And I’ll see you next year, after I win my Oscar.

Whoa.