An Altitude Adjustment

I’m curious as to the other websites you visit when you’re not doing what ever the heck it is you are supposed to be doing. Can any of them claim that their source data was written at 28,000 feet above the earth (and climbing)? Trust me, the only Yahoo you’ll find up here is what skydivers yell right before jumping. And asking Jeeves just about anything in a pressurized airplane cabin will only get you some mumbled answer about returning your tray tables to an upright position.

We here at YAB are trying to cope with typing on a jet with precision and speed. However, both objectives are easier said than done. You see, the former is tough with this tricky turbulence issue. In fact, probably before I post this, I’m going to have to spellcheck the heck out of this; otherwise, this entry will look like a spelling bee between Mattias and Nordberg. As for the latter, my words per minute will be affected by the fact that we’re currently flying over the South. Everything’s a little slower down here. (Insert your own “Oh, snap!” joke here.)

I can’t say that I’m a frequent flyer, so I find myself greeting the whole Point-A-to-Point-B-soaring-through-clouds experience with enthusiasm and excitement. I mean, with new comfy stadium-style movie theaters becoming all the rage, I need to find somewhere to be forced to sit like a Super Pretzel, right?

Here are some quick-hit thoughts concerning the current state of air travel. I’d give you paragraphs, but having your knees wedged within your ribcage tends to hinder the whole coherent writing process.

• If you EVER get the opportunity to take a 5:30 AM flight out of the not the first, not the second, but the third-closest airport to your residence, take it. I highly recommended it. Reasons being: 1) Traffic is awesome. I listened to our local news talk radio station this morning at 3:58 AM, and the traffic guy literally had to just name all the roads that are normally a lost cause and report that they’re absolutely fine, just so he can fill his 45 second programming timeslot. This is the rewarding part of his job – it’s like being the weatherman in San Diego. Everyone would like him if he had this news at rush hour. Buying him drinks, left and right, I’m sure. Ok, 2) If at any point you say something completely senseless or incoherent later in the day, you’ve built yourself a failsafe excuse as to why you’ve left logic on the baggage claim.
  
• Electronic ticketing is a gift from above. The days of winding in and out of a cleverly-devised people trap are over. Now you can go right up to one of these touchscreen kiosks. Print your ticket, change your seat, change your flight, play some Frogger, you can do it all. (Well, except that Frogger part). More things should go the way of the touchscreen kiosk, in my opinion. Just imagine the possibilities. Touchscreen grocery checkout, sandwich ordering, movie tickets – wait, you mean that all of these are already possible? Hmm, ok, time for Condon to take it up a notch. Touchscreen-touchscreen kiosks – This will be a central kiosk that will operate all peripheral kiosks. You can do all of these functions from the comfort of your seat? What? Those exist already? Computers? Hmm…looks like I’ll never get ahead of the curve…
  
• US Airways has also made the flight attendants largely obsolete. When it’s time to strap in and take off, video screens drop down from the ceiling and show a segment on how to comply with all air safety regulations. Ok, so we’re in the next century, automated is cool. But I found a way to make it cooler. Picture this scenario. You miss that whole “Turn off electronic devices” on the video because you are listening to your electronic Dell mp3 player. The song randomly chosen for this moment in time is the driving techno-electronica “Sandstorm,” from Darude. Never in your life will “looking at the instruction card in the seat pocket” or “operating the drop-down oxygen mask” seem so important. I was so pumped up by the music, I almost cheered at the end. Of course, this would have been the exact moment when the video told us about needing to evacuate the plane in the event of a horrific crash. Umm…awkward?!?
  
• Every person in my row ordered tomato juice from the beverage cart. 5 for 5. Why is this? I have never seen anyone drink tomato juice other than on an airplane. What is it about airborne transportation makes one thing, “Man, I could go for some slightly acidic ketchup right now!”? I stick to my apple juice in a can with the requisite ice water mixer, thank you very much.
  
• As I type this, my laptop, Attica, has joined my knees deep within my ribcage. Why, you may ask? Simple. Another uncanny coincidence in air travel has to do with reclining seats. People who opt to recline seats, I guarantee you, are always placed directly in front of the following three passenger types. 1 – people over 75” in height. 2 – people trying to use a laptop. 3 – a combination of both 1 and 2. Like clockwork.
  
  And that’s five for flying.