I Need to Tell You About the Oscar

Whoa.

Like Chris promised, I, Keanu Reeves, am here to walk you through the 2nd half of OP2.0’s Academy Rewards results. Can’t say I’m invited to that throwdown too often these days. I’ve tried to put my acting chops to the test, with heartfelt, emotional dramas like Sweet November and A Walk in the Clouds. But then again, sometime all I’ve got is Johnny Mnemonic in me.

So let me describe to you my thoughts on the Oscars. The Oscars are real. Well, there’s not a guy named Oscar, he’s not real, it’s a made up world where Oscar is a real guy, but the actors are real, the characters they play are not, so confused, there is no spoon, realtime, unreal performances, I know kung fu?

(Chris told me not to try and use my brain in this guestblog. Ow.)

Ok, before I blow a gasket, here’s the other 12 Oscars from the 77th Academy Awards.

Best Sound Editing
The Incredibles – 56%
The Polar Express - 20%
Spider-man 2 – 24%

Who Chris picked: Spider-man 2
Who Keanu picked: Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure
Who should have won: The Incredibles
Analysis – An Oscar for sound editing for an animated movie? Despite Chris’ pick, that sounds like a pretty good deal. But I think I may have a better one. How about, I give you the finger, and you give me my phone call? How’s that for sound editing?

Best Sound
The Aviator – 32%
The Incredibles – 12%
The Polar Express – 4%
Ray – 48%
Spider-man 2 – 4%

Who Chris picked: Ray
Who Keanu picked: Chain Reaction
Who should have won: Ray
Analysis – Ah, I love sound. You hear that Mr. Condon? That is the sound of inevitability. It is the sound of your dea- (Condon jumps in and smacks the guest blogger.) – I mean, Ray was a great film.

Best Visual Effects
Harry Potter – Azkaban – 20%
I, Robot – 44%
Spider-man 2 – 36%

Who Chris picked: Spider-man 2
Who Keanu picked: Hardball
Who should have won: Spider-man 2
Analysis – Whoa. The party finally got one wrong. But not Condon. He’s most excellent. An honorary third member of Wyld Stallyns, indeed.

Best Foreign Language Film
As It Is in Heaven – 16%
The Chorus – 28%
Downfall – 4%
The Sea Inside – 40%
Yesterday – 12%

Who Chris picked: The Chorus
Who Keanu picked: Much Ado About Nothing
Who should have won: No idea whatsoever.
Analysis – I saw A Very Long Engagement and Motorcycle Diaries this year, and both should have been up for this Award. This is an outrage, and I believe that the Academy should reward their eligibility guidelines. (CPC - I shall not stand for this any longer. Will somebody please unplug Neo from the Matrix’s “Refined Speech” Module? It’s just annoying.)


Best Art Direction
The Aviator – 24%
Finding Neverland - 28%
Lemony Snicket’s – 8%
The Phantom of the Opera – 28%
A Very Long Engagement – 12%

Who Chris picked: The Aviator
Who Keanu picked: Bill and Ted’s Bogus Journey
Who should have won: The Aviator
Analysis – San Dimas High School Football Rules!

Best Makeup
Lemony Snicket’s – 44%
The Passion of the Christ – 48%
The Sea Inside – 8%

Who Chris picked: The Passion of the Christ
Who Keanu picked: The Passion of the Replacements
Who should have won: The Passion of the Christ
Analysis – I can’t say that many of my roles have required a whole lot of makeup. Not like in the Passion, anyway, where the wounds couldn’t have been more lifelike. I guess I wore eyeliner in Constantine, but I really have no idea why that movie made money. Boo.

Best Costume
The Aviator – 44%
Finding Neverland – 12%
Lemony Snicket’s – 32%
Ray – 0%
Troy – 12%

Who Chris picked: Finding Neverland
Who Keanu picked: The Matrix
Who should have won: Anyone but Ray
Analysis – How cool would it have been if when Howard Hughes walks into the Congress hearings, he was wearing sunglasses anda long black leather trench coat? Alan Alda would not have been nearly as persistent with those pesky questions. I know kung fu?

Best Original Song
Accidentally in Love, Shrek 2 – 44%
Al Otro Lado del Rio, Motorcycle Diaries – 16%
Believe, The Polar Express – 12%
Learn to Be Lonely, Phantom of the Opera – 24%
Look to Your Path, The Chorus – 4%

Who Chris picked: Learn to Be Lonely
Who Keanu picked: Anything by Wyld Stallyns
Who should have won: Accidentally in Love
Analysis – If this post goes below 55 words per minute, the blog is going to explode. Moving on…


Best Animated Short
Birthday Boy – 8%
Gopher Broke – 36%
Guard Dog – 16%
Lorenzo – 32%
Ryan – 8%

Who Chris picked: Guard Dog
Who Keanu picked: Point Break
Who should have won: Ryan, we guess.
Analysis – You're sayin' the FBI's gonna pay me to learn to surf? (Clearly, I have no idea what to say here. I never learned to read.)

Best Documentary Feature
Born into Brothels – 8%
Story of the Weeping Camel – 8%
Super Size Me – 80%
Tupac: Resurrection – 4%
Twist of Faith – 0%

Who Chris picked: Born into Brothels
Who Keanu picked: Balloons for 800, Alex
Who should have won: Born into Brothels
Analysis – Someone should do a documentary on me. Yeah, that’s a great idea! It could be about my quest to do a movie with a state in the name for the entire U.S. Let’s see, I was in My Own Private Idado, Feeling Minnesota, The Prince of Pennsylvania, I was Johnny Utah. What’s next? How about the superhero flick the Indianables?

Best Live Action Short
Everything in this Country Must – 8%
Little Terrorist – 44%
7:35 in the Morning – 16%
Two Cars, One Night – 16%
Wasp – 16%

Who Chris picked: Little Terrorist
Who Keanu picked: N/A (went to get a corn dog)
Who should have won: Wasp
Analysis – This is one excellent corn dog. I could eat eleventy billion of these things.

Best Short Documentary
Autism is a World – 40%
Children of Leningradsky – 28%
Hardwood – 8%
Mighty Times: Children’ March – 8%
Sister Rose’s Passion – 16%

Who Chris picked: Autisum is a World
Who Keanu picked: Paula Abdul’s “Rush” video
Who should have won: Mighty Times…
Analysis – Well, it’s clear Condon picked the right guy to fill in while he works on actual work. It’s been a pleasure to write down all these words for you folks. And I’ll see you next year, after I win my Oscar.

Whoa.