Vending the Rules

There are certain inalienable truths in office building life. The last parking spot in the garage will be occupied by the Geo Metro you didn't see. The interior climate will force you to wear a parka to important meetings. Elevator chitchat is always awkward and never productive. But most importantly, vending machines will be your sworn enemy. If you let them.

I've often thought about posting a list on the sidebar of the blog a list of sworn enemies. You know, people that I have no interest in supporting, even though they've done a goold job of shooting themselves in the collective foot already. But everytime I think of doing this, the only people who come to mind are The Ice Queen - Svetlana Khorkina, and the director who gave birth to both Baby Geniuses and its stellar sequel. Don't get me wrong, both of these carry some serious clout, but I just feel that until I stop making friends (and therefore, more enemies,) that YABfeature is going to have to wait.

Unless of course, I can add inanimate objects to the aforementioned list...

Picture this scenario, if you will: It's the middle of the afternoon. It's only been a few short hours since you downed that unsatisfying salad for lunch, and several long hours before you take your culinary skills to task, putting together a fine dining experience that includes neither the words "Eggo" or "Hot Pocket." In order to tide thyself over during this food void, you disengage from your office chair, saunter on down to the breakroom area, and prepare to do battle with the twin monoliths of doom, or as my more normal co-workers call them, the vending machines.

As you pull your wallet out and shuffle through its contents for just one fresh new dollar bill, you, as usual, have a difficult time finding such a piece of legal tender. However, in your exploration, somewhere between that college ID you still use to get discount movie tickets and and that supermarket savings card from an establishment you haven't been to in years (cough*FoodLion*cough), you find a mysterious folded notecard. On its outside - "The 7 Simple Rules of Vending Machines." On the inside, said rules. So before you jam that portrait of Mr. Washington into the monolith, please heed the following advice.

1. You will always be disappointed. Don't get your hopes up. Appetite satisfaction will not come courtesy of a visit to the vending machine. Something will go wrong, and you need to accept that fact. What seems like a simple currency-for-junk food transaction is far from simple; it's like trying to find a Butterfiner that isn't broken within its wrapper.
2. Gravity works. The mechanics of a vending machine are pretty simple. Money goes in, selected item goes plunging towards the center of the earth at approximately 9.8 m/s/s. That's gravity baby, and there's nothing you can do about it. Candy will break. Chips will smash. Carbonated beverages will turn into ticking bombs, waiting to be detonated with a simple twist of the wrist. Stay away.
3. The Chessboard Effect - Most candy machines feature the coil schematic, where you can see the rows of candy all the way to the back of the machine. The coil will twist, and the front line item will fall to its digestive doom. Here's the catch. The good candy is always second in line. It's like the FastBreaks and Twix of the world are no better than rooks and bishops, and unless someone is willing to take that pawn of a Mr. Goodbar off your hands, the power pieces will remained trapped behind. FOR-EV-ER.
4. Slim Pickens' - Back to the soda side of the equation. Generally speaking, soda machines provide you with an array of choices, and the stock of each is normally well-mainted. UNLESS - you're actually thirsty and had a predetermined choice in mind. If that's the case, don't count on that Cherry Coke to be there. You're going to be stuck with that stupid lemonade that nobody likes.
5. Change is Good. - Most snack machines have a three-tiered pricing structure. Gum is the cheapest (and people fail to notice them on the bottom level), then there's another two leves, normally about 15 cents apart. Regardless of what you want, you will be about 1 dime short of your goal. And I guarantee you exactly that amount, at some point, fell to the ground and rolled under the machine. Are you gonna be the guy to reach under and get it? Mm-hmm.
6. Getting fresh. - Or, if you would like to avoid nickel and diming your way to a pack of Twizzlers, you can always go the route of the dollar bill. And as countless commercials and tv sitcoms have shown before, there's is not a single bill in circulation today that conforms to the rigid standards of the almighty vending machine. Best of luck.
7. Myth of the Double Play - Everybody knows someone who put in their dollar-fifteen on some idle Tuesday, pressed the Coke button, and ended up with not 20, but 40 ounces of ice cold refreshment. That's right, those freak incidents when the vending gods screw up and send two bottle of soda down the pike. This isn't divine intervention. It just means that the person before you just got screwed. And he's thirsty. And he's me.