Gavel With a Vengeance

While this story may be more aligned with the alley of Icarus Fallen, I think we are going to keep this home right here at the YAB NewsDesk. You see, CNN.com is reporting that tonight President George W. Bush will announce on national television his first-ever nomination to the Supreme Court of the United States. Recently, Justice Sandra Day O’Connor has opted for retirement over dressing just like her eight co-workers, and that has presented Bush with an opportunity to fill her chair.

Justice Stephen Breyer was last added by former President Clinton in 1994, meaning that for the last eleven years, there have been no changes to the reserved parking down at One First Street in NE Washington. According to the article, there is wild speculation that Edith Clement, a Circuit Court judge in New Orleans may be that choice, and that very well may be true. But the YAB NewsDesk thinks otherwise.

Our sources, which often remain unconfirmed anonymous because it’s really just Condon making stuff up as he goes along, have President Bush going in another direction. This is not out of disrespect for Judge Clement, as we assume her job isn’t as easy as the Big Easy implies. But rather, it is because there’s just a better candidate for the job out there. YABNews does not take this prediction lightly.

This Supreme Court Justice nomination has a lot riding on it. As the court keeps aging, (can we find a way to stop that?) this will be the first of numerous appointments in the next five years or so. We, the people, (did I steal that from somewhere?) need a justice to be a leader for the 21st century. A person of principle (no, not a Beta brother), where political ideologies are cast aside in the name of the Law. My fellow Americans (did I just steal that, too?), the man that President Bush should and will nominate tonight for such a high post should be none other than:

Samuel. L. Jackson.

Surely you know him. You shouldn’t even need his resume for such a post. But for the unconvinced, I give you the man in action. As you will see, his record has been exactly what Congress should be looking for.

This man, Samuel L. Jackson, has a long and storied career of respecting the law and upholding the rule of justice. From a very young point in his career, he knew that it was always best to Do the Right Thing. He has held several positions declaring what is illegal. In 2004, he aided Mr. Incredible to foil a plot by those who felt they were above the law. In Loaded Weapon 1, we saw Mr. Jackson time and time again stand up in the face of drugs, crime, and a shoddy parody.

The man has all the intangibles you should be seeking in a nominee. He has served on other Councils with authority. He served three terms with colleagues far older than Rehnquist on the planet of Coruscant. This man is totally used to the dress code – wearing long flowing robes were standard issue. In addition, he’s no stranger to a court room, having visited extensively in A Time to Kill and Rules of Engagement. When it comes to a hung room of justices, Jackson will be able to plead his opinion to the other eight with vigor, knowledge, and style. After all, he is The Negotiator.

But his most compelling reason to become a Justice is hidden in the dialogue he once uttered in 1994, under the pseudonym Jules. This man knows about judgment and upholding the rights of those who aim to do good…

“The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he, who in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who would attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.”

Assuming he doesn’t get eaten by a shark.

Sofa, So Good

I went shopping for two different things this weekend. And from my experience, I have concluded that the methods required for each purchase are completely opposite. Let me explain.

I went to the supermarket for cleaning supplies yesterday afternoon. The process for cleaning supplies is very easy. First, you know exactly what you are looking for. Second, that product is sitting on a shelf. Third, the price for that Windex is pretty standard no matter which supermarket you go to, give or take thirty cents. Pick up the product, take it to the front, pay for it, and go home. End of transaction.

The second shopping trip of the weekend was for something far more important: a new couch. The protocol for procuring a couch is far different from the above Windex scenario. To illustrate, let’s consider the Windex again. Had I implemented the couch technique there, I would have walked into the supermarket, found that the varieties of Windex are different from those in any other supermarket, tried out each bottle by spraying the frozen food doors, selected the Windex that “just feels right,” told the stockboy which one I want, filled out some paperwork, and expect the Windex at my door in 4-6 weeks.

Sounds simple, eh?

Fortunately, this all makes more sense for a couch. But I have to admit, even some of that is a little peculiar. Over the weekend, Katie and I went on such a mission.

When you arrive at a furniture store, it’s like walking in to somebody’s house. With the intention of buying their possessions. I’m glad this practice is limited to places of commerce. I can’t imagine having to go around my apartment and apply price tags to everything I own. Anyone who came in, from a friend to a missionary to a lost neighborhood kid could peruse the goods and opt to throw money down on the counter. Unless, of course, they choose to buy the counter.Now how do you know what couch is right for you and your place?

You may look at a couch and like/dislike the material, whether it be leather, vinyl, micro-fiber, twizzler, whatever. But when shopping, pay no attention to this. You can put any final finish on it, no matter what the floor model looks like (except maybe the twizzler. This is no Willy Wonka showroom.)

You may look at a couch and like/dislike the color, but again, it doesn’t matter as you can change that in design. Therefore, there shall be no ruling out of couches do to the fact that they appear neon orange, girly pink, or shimmering silver. All remain in play, and you’re just going to have to deal with looking a little silly evaluating it as an option.

It’s about the feel, stupid.

In order to effectively shop for a couch, you need to sit on the merchandise. After all, with comfort being the number one decision point, you just have to. Would you buy a car without test driving?

Now it may seem silly, but you need to kick back and relax in a large room with many other strangers walking around, who are thinking about doing the very same thing. Now I’m not saying fall asleep; (although I could), but don’t just sit on the couch like you are in a job interview chair. Slouch. It’s the only way you’ll ever know if this is the couch for you.

With a personal seating history that has included a couch with a plywood infrastructure and a 30 year old pullout that has deteriorating metal framing, it’s nice to see that the furniture industry has humored me with a good price on a new product. It’s no senior year Camm dorm couch, but it’ll do.

Mr. Potter's Lullaby

Donald Duck was onto something.

Ok, not about the “walking around without pants” thing. Society would not be cool with everybody following in the footsteps of the cartoon duck on that one. But when it comes to learning, this quackpot had some serious brains. In 1959, Donald took time out of this busy schedule of posing for pictures with kids, donning one emotionless expression after another, and cut together an educational film. That flick, “Donald in Mathmagic Land,” was the pride of elementary school math teachers everywhere, and force fed to students on any day when there was a sub in charge. Haven’t seen it? Let me give away the theme: Math is magical.

(And if you couldn’t guess that from the title, you might want to consider retaking the 4th grade.)

Ah, magic. Seems to be the only thing people can talk about these days. And why not? At midnight tonight, millions up WAY past their bedtime will run to the Borders and get their hands on J.K. Rowling’s latest installment, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Ever since the last one came out in 2003, every pundit not focused on politics has been trying to predict what will happen in this penultimate edition to the young wizard and his friends. I thought about writing a blog with my predictions (the pundit that I am), but since I have yet to get through Book 5, that would be fairly inane.

However, even without getting all the way through Book 5, YAB is pleased to tell you exactly what happens to Harry once the series reaches its conclusion in Book 7. There is much speculation as to whether Mr. Potter will survive the series at all, ending as some sort of martyr. Well, I have the facts, and I am more than happy to share.

Harry Potter will survive.

What’s more, he is now an accountant in Tulsa, Oklahoma.

Question my research methods all you want, but the easiest way to find out what someone is up to (assuming VH-1 hasn’t done the leg work for you) is to look them up the phone book. And that, dear readers, it precisely what I did.

After completing his wizard education at Hogwarts, it appears that Harry has decided to get out of the spotlight for a while. So he did what any other self-respecting celeb would do: get a real job and move to Tulsa, Oklahoma. Now I’ve never been to Tulsa, or any other part of Oklahoma for that matter, but I have to assume there are far fewer flashbulbs and news reporters there than at those frenzied post-game Quidditch press conferences.

As a CPA, Harry Potter no longer hides from muggles – he helps them with their finances. The decision to enter the accounting field for Mr. Potter did not come without controversy. When we first alerted the Ministry of Magic of his decision, it was wildly unpopular. Lesser men and women are now in American prison for doing magical things with numbers on financial statements – leaving Harry a prime target for any whistleblower looking for point fingers.

This isn’t to say that he can’t use what he learned at Hogwarts in his new profession. Just like his days on Privet Drive, he has found the line between magic and non-magic and uses it to balance not only his life, but his clients’ books. He sharpens his No. 2 pencils with a flick of the wand, his enchanted calculator can plow through cash flows without the headache, and that invisibility cloak comes in handy when a frustrated customer is waiting in the lobby, and he wants to sneak out to his favorite Tulsa watering hole for a drink.

I guess one day when Professor Snape called in sick to class, Dumbledore had the substitute throw in Donald in Mathmagic Land, too. Who knew?

Something for your Bike Spokes

For the most part, the things that you held dear during your youth probably haven’t changed much. There are only so many innovations toys and hobbies may take over the course of twenty years. If you were a video game kid, you’ll notice the controller has more buttons and the graphics have become insanely real, but it’s still the same idea. If you played with action figures, those little guys may have a few more accessories, but other than “ninja-brain-chop” action, their skills have gone unchanged. If you had an EZ Bake Oven (and this serves as a full disclaimer that I did NOT), I have to assume that the cookies you could make are as bland back then as they would be today. As much as things change, they stay the same. Except…

One childhood hobby of mine has underwent a dramastic change (that’s a Chris Smith word) since I last paid attention to it. And it only took a Chapter 9 bankruptcy proceeding for me to notice (the equivalent of a MAC truck in the financial world.) Burlington County’s own Fleer Trading Card Company has officially printed its final batch of baseball cards, crumbling under $40 million in debt. I had no idea Fleer was based in Mt. Laurel; if I had maybe I would have supported them in my youth. But it’s highly unlikely that my investment would equal a cool $40 mil. That’s a lot of Kevin Stocker future star cards.

Here’s the thing about seeing Fleer head to the dugout for the final time. It was going to happen sooner or later. When I was 6, there were three biggies in baseball cards – Topps, Donruss, and Fleer. I list Fleer third because that’s where they belong. When it came to collecting baseball cards, you really picked a brand and stuck with it. And when it came to design, reach, and photography, Topps was the best. Donruss, which did feature hot/cold zones for batters on the back, were a fine runner-up, but never the one you’d brag to your friends about. Fleer had a product merely to exist and make money (Objective: FAILURE). If these three were action blockbuster movies – Topps was the Star Wars, Donruss was the Tron, and Fleer was any Hilary Duff flick you can think of.

Baseball cards were the perfect way for a kid my age to spend discretionary income. Notice I say “were.” Today, baseball cards are the perfect way for eleventybillionaires to spend their discretionary income. In 1988, I could walk to the pharmacy in Ocean City and buy a pack of cards for 80 cents, hoping to get that killer “Todd Van Poppel” rookie. (For non-sports types – let’s just say Tony Danza could lace a double into the gap off of this highly-touted phenom). Today, 80 cents could buy me, um…three quarters and a nickel.

In the following years, packs crept to 4 or 5 dollars for a pack of fifteen cards, but it was justified. In a decade of Pogs, Pokemon, and Power Rangers, (and other collectibles beginning with ‘P’) this was a quality product. But then it all changed.

I blame the Internet.

Kids who now were rich thanks to dotcom ISP’s spent good money on their past hobby: cards. Pack prices skyrocketed, upwards of $100 per. And what had changed in the product? Extra features. Cards good for redemption of other memorabilia – game-used bats, jersey swatches, balls, seats, utility infielders. Cards were inserted with official signatures from ballplayers. It is an unconfirmed rumor that Upper Deck even offered through a lucky card the rights to Indians shortstop Omar Vizquel. Just imagine – an authentic Omar Vizquel – doing your homework and cutting the grass!

Once the best way to get kids excited about professional sports, the hobby has gone off of the deep end. And unfortunately for Fleer, someone forgot to fill the pool. Rest in Peace, Fleer. If you see Rickey Henderson in Heaven, let him know I have his rookie card.

What do you mean Rickey Henderson is still alive?

Insert Smash Mouth Lyric Here

Trying once again to emulate ESPN’s The Sports Guy, I give you the rambling thoughts of a running diary, collected during the 76th Major League Baseball All-Star Game in Detroit. Enjoy.

8:02 – I really wish I could get this off with a bang, but the pre-game commentary has been anything but interesting. A featurette on David Eckstein?? Commentator Kevin Kennedy specifically states that Eckstein certainly doesn’t have the “skills of an all-star,” but he is a true team player. Yes, and I hear he has a great personality as well.

8:15 – Ok, here are some quick hit impressions of the player introductions.
Felipe Lopez – Who?
Dontrelle Willis – Mushmouth lives!
Brian Fuentes - See Felipe Lopez.
Cesar Izturis – Racehourse Jockey
Carlos Lee – His nickname is El Caballo. Mr. Lee, may I introduce you to Mr. Izturis.
Chad Cordero – Get a little curve on that brim, son. It looks like you just bought your hat at Modell’s.
Bob Wickman – “I’m gonna eat you.”
Kenny Rogers – I really think, at least from this angle, that the man looks like George Clooney. What would have happened with George Clooney had kicked assaulted a cameraman? (Answer at the end of this column.)

8:21 – Each of the starters have come out of the tunnel holding a baseball. I’m sure this is just an attempt to make some money by MLB, as no doubt we’ll see these in an auction in the coming weeks. Most players completed the awkward “shake-my-teammates’-hands-but-don’t-drop-the-ball” process, but Bobby Abreu had other intentions. He throws the ball into the stands – for free! Not only is he a home run derby champ, he’s the people’s champ!

8:31 – After Brian McKnight aces the National Anthem, a stealth bomber flies over Comerica Park. Unfortunately, it has a mind of its own and it’s choosing its own targets. Hey, Brian, why do you think Jamie Foxx declined this job?

8:37 – Tim McCarver has made his first appearance. This is the man, while broadcasting the ALCS, stated, “The thing about ground balls is, they have a tendency to go out of the park.” I feel dumber just hearing his voice.

8:41 – DHL showing us for the second time their “There’s no crying in shipping!” commercial. Cute idea, but as I watched it later for the eleventy billionth time, it’s really a poor parody. And the “crying guy” has grown more awful than Bartolo Colon’s haircut.

8:44 – Scooter, the FOX Sports talking cartoon baseball. tells us what a change-up is. (“Another word for Slowball,” he explains). I sit here wondering if my job could have talking cartoons to explain the blatantly obvious. Oh wait, it does.

8:54 – Hey, there’s real-live baseball happening. A-Rod singles, despite the fact he is wearing bizarre white baseball cleats. Man, even in uniform, he’s got this metrosexual thing down cold. (Meanwhile in NYC, Jeter is sitting in a barco-lounger eating Fritos in his underwear.)

9:01 – As the best hitting catcher in MLB history steps to the plate, it makes me realize just who Mike Piazza is becoming - Jack Parkman. Parkman is the opposing slugger in the Major League movies, and Piazza is morphing into him. Even down to the little shimmy when he steps to the plate. Oh, and Mark Buerhle strikes him out.

9:09 – Miguel Tejada just turned this double-shutout into rubble, launching a John Smoltz pitch into the seats. Right after Joe Buck predicted him as the MVP. I smell conspiracy. No, actually I smell the toaster. Waffles are done!

9:24 – Blockbuster commercial. I hate this “no late fees” scam. The guy in the spot says “What if you had a rental car and returned it 7 days late, and the car company said, “Hey, don’t worry about it, no big deal!” Wow, great analogy, Blockbuster. Why don’t you mention that if he returns the rental car 8 days late, he has to BUY THE RENTAL CAR.

9:29 – David Ortiz just launched a rocket against the bottom of the right field wall. Two AL runners score. Ortiz, rounding first, passes out from exhaustion. Once, just once, I would like to see a big guy try and stretch a single into a double.

9:51 – Ok, not a whole lot has happened in the past half-hour. Spud and I just had a conversation about how in love the Japanese people are with Seattle centerfielder Ichiro Suzuki. I predict he runs for public office in Japan after he retires. Chevrolet, as a chief sponsor, is not as much of a fan as Ichiro knocks a two-run single to Abreu in right. There’s no word in Japanese for pick-up truck.

10:05 – Clemens enters the game. Piazza exits. For those who lack the back story, there was a feud between these two about two years back. Piazza mocked Clemens in public. Clemens threw at Piazza. Later, Piazza got a broken bat grounder off of a Rocket fastball, and the barrel of his bat coincidentally charged the pitcher’s mound. Clemens picked it up and threw it at Piazza. Yeah, no bad blood here. Had Manager Tony LaRussa left him in to catch Clemens, it would have been nice to see Clemens try and throw the ball through his catcher, not to him. Sigh.

As the replacements come in and the innings grow long, so does this diary. The AL went on to win 7-5, with Tejada getting the MVP, as predicted by Joe Buck. Tim McCarver made Chris Griffin from Family Guy sound like a genius, David Ortiz was put on a respirator before being replaced in the sixth, and even Kenny Rogers came in for some poetic justice, as Andruw Jones rocked a slider into the left field bleachers.

I leave you with this thought. No matter how good you are at something, pursue your dream. Don’t let skill or talent get in the way of your goals. Proof? Two words: David Eckstein.

Trivia Answer - Absolutely nothing. He's Batman.