Trying once again to emulate ESPN’s The Sports Guy, I give you the rambling thoughts of a running diary, collected during the 76th Major League Baseball All-Star Game in Detroit. Enjoy.
8:02 – I really wish I could get this off with a bang, but the pre-game commentary has been anything but interesting. A featurette on David Eckstein?? Commentator Kevin Kennedy specifically states that Eckstein certainly doesn’t have the “skills of an all-star,” but he is a true team player. Yes, and I hear he has a great personality as well.
8:15 – Ok, here are some quick hit impressions of the player introductions.
Felipe Lopez – Who?
Dontrelle Willis – Mushmouth lives!
Brian Fuentes - See Felipe Lopez.
Cesar Izturis – Racehourse Jockey
Carlos Lee – His nickname is El Caballo. Mr. Lee, may I introduce you to Mr. Izturis.
Chad Cordero – Get a little curve on that brim, son. It looks like you just bought your hat at Modell’s.
Bob Wickman – “I’m gonna eat you.”
Kenny Rogers – I really think, at least from this angle, that the man looks like George Clooney. What would have happened with George Clooney had kicked assaulted a cameraman? (Answer at the end of this column.)
8:21 – Each of the starters have come out of the tunnel holding a baseball. I’m sure this is just an attempt to make some money by MLB, as no doubt we’ll see these in an auction in the coming weeks. Most players completed the awkward “shake-my-teammates’-hands-but-don’t-drop-the-ball” process, but Bobby Abreu had other intentions. He throws the ball into the stands – for free! Not only is he a home run derby champ, he’s the people’s champ!
8:31 – After Brian McKnight aces the National Anthem, a stealth bomber flies over Comerica Park. Unfortunately, it has a mind of its own and it’s choosing its own targets. Hey, Brian, why do you think Jamie Foxx declined this job?
8:37 – Tim McCarver has made his first appearance. This is the man, while broadcasting the ALCS, stated, “The thing about ground balls is, they have a tendency to go out of the park.” I feel dumber just hearing his voice.
8:41 – DHL showing us for the second time their “There’s no crying in shipping!” commercial. Cute idea, but as I watched it later for the eleventy billionth time, it’s really a poor parody. And the “crying guy” has grown more awful than Bartolo Colon’s haircut.
8:44 – Scooter, the FOX Sports talking cartoon baseball. tells us what a change-up is. (“Another word for Slowball,” he explains). I sit here wondering if my job could have talking cartoons to explain the blatantly obvious. Oh wait, it does.
8:54 – Hey, there’s real-live baseball happening. A-Rod singles, despite the fact he is wearing bizarre white baseball cleats. Man, even in uniform, he’s got this metrosexual thing down cold. (Meanwhile in NYC, Jeter is sitting in a barco-lounger eating Fritos in his underwear.)
9:01 – As the best hitting catcher in MLB history steps to the plate, it makes me realize just who Mike Piazza is becoming - Jack Parkman. Parkman is the opposing slugger in the Major League movies, and Piazza is morphing into him. Even down to the little shimmy when he steps to the plate. Oh, and Mark Buerhle strikes him out.
9:09 – Miguel Tejada just turned this double-shutout into rubble, launching a John Smoltz pitch into the seats. Right after Joe Buck predicted him as the MVP. I smell conspiracy. No, actually I smell the toaster. Waffles are done!
9:24 – Blockbuster commercial. I hate this “no late fees” scam. The guy in the spot says “What if you had a rental car and returned it 7 days late, and the car company said, “Hey, don’t worry about it, no big deal!” Wow, great analogy, Blockbuster. Why don’t you mention that if he returns the rental car 8 days late, he has to BUY THE RENTAL CAR.
9:29 – David Ortiz just launched a rocket against the bottom of the right field wall. Two AL runners score. Ortiz, rounding first, passes out from exhaustion. Once, just once, I would like to see a big guy try and stretch a single into a double.
9:51 – Ok, not a whole lot has happened in the past half-hour. Spud and I just had a conversation about how in love the Japanese people are with Seattle centerfielder Ichiro Suzuki. I predict he runs for public office in Japan after he retires. Chevrolet, as a chief sponsor, is not as much of a fan as Ichiro knocks a two-run single to Abreu in right. There’s no word in Japanese for pick-up truck.
10:05 – Clemens enters the game. Piazza exits. For those who lack the back story, there was a feud between these two about two years back. Piazza mocked Clemens in public. Clemens threw at Piazza. Later, Piazza got a broken bat grounder off of a Rocket fastball, and the barrel of his bat coincidentally charged the pitcher’s mound. Clemens picked it up and threw it at Piazza. Yeah, no bad blood here. Had Manager Tony LaRussa left him in to catch Clemens, it would have been nice to see Clemens try and throw the ball through his catcher, not to him. Sigh.
As the replacements come in and the innings grow long, so does this diary. The AL went on to win 7-5, with Tejada getting the MVP, as predicted by Joe Buck. Tim McCarver made Chris Griffin from Family Guy sound like a genius, David Ortiz was put on a respirator before being replaced in the sixth, and even Kenny Rogers came in for some poetic justice, as Andruw Jones rocked a slider into the left field bleachers.
I leave you with this thought. No matter how good you are at something, pursue your dream. Don’t let skill or talent get in the way of your goals. Proof? Two words: David Eckstein.
4 comments:
*might as well be walking on the sun* oh wait...nevermind. perhaps the only thing besides the bmx mullets in the bar that made the all star game tolerable was reading your delightful little commentary...which leads me to the following conclusion...frisbee is good for you. there, i admitted it. took me almost 10 years ;-)
I've been waiting for "norm" to say that for 6 of those 10 years! I spent thousands of dollars on subliminal messages in Army training videos. But in the end, all it took was the power of YAB. I am humbled.
-watch out robbo. i'm still prone to throwing frisbees in the street...especially if they are thrown at me by one rich eggert...
Oh, man, I remember that day. Such a sharpshooter, that Eggert.
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