Surprise! Live Blog!

There’s 1:34 left in the third quarter.

Originally, I had a plan to live blog the Eagles-Patriots game this evening. I figured that live blogs are at their funniest when the writer is at their absolute bitterest, so when the battered Green and White went to Foxboro, there’d be plenty of material. No one wants to read about how awesome your team is. This is why Bill Simmons has become unreadable as of late. With the Celtics atop the NBA, the Patriots being hailed as the best team of all life, and the Red Sox as your current World Champion baseball team, life is good for a fan. But when your columns are reduced how the refs sucked in a game you won over the Colts, maybe it’s time for a break.

End of the third quarter.

I was incredibly excited to watch Philly tonight. You know why? NO EXPECTATIONS WHATSOEVER. The Eagles have been a team of heartbreak and heart attacks this season. Every single game has come down to the waning minutes of the final quarter, win or lose. Every team they’ve played have been about as good as they are on paper – meaning no blowouts for better or for worse. My nerves can’t take this. I can’t hold Clara whilst watching a game – I don’t want her to grow up thinking I’m a psycho that yells at the colorful people on the moving picture box in the corner. So with the Patriots on the sched, all I had to do was sit back and watch the impending gridiron carnage.

Yeah, they’re going to lose this game. That’s been pre-ordained since God blessed Tom Brady’s parents with a son. Every analyst out there has spent nights trying to come up with a new way to verbally adore New England. The line at gametime was 24 points! Oh, and our franchise quarterback is sitting in his Delaware Valley house watching the game on television. Just keep it close, guys. Just keep it close.

12:02 left in the fourth quarter.

Hell, for the first half-hour I wasn’t even glued to the game. We were watching Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. Why? Because on my Sunday nights I like to get in my weekly cry. But when commercials roll, I switch to the Foxboro telecast. You know, just in time to see backup quarterback A.J. Feeley giftwrap a pick-six for Asante Samuel. 7-0, Patriots, and Tom Brady hasn’t even been on the field. Nice work, A.J. But then they get the ball back and tie it up on an efficient drive. Sure, Brady gets a chance to make the lead seven once again. However, the Eagles are playing aggressively and keeping pace. 15 minutes have gone by, and the blowout is still being kept in the shed. Reid calls for a surprise onside kick, and it freakin’ works. (Of course, if Feeley had worn cleats tonight, maybe it wouldn’t have been for naught.

9:37 left in the fourth quarter.

Go to hell, Jabar Gaffney. Seriously. Yes, you had a nice TD catch right before the half, but do you really have the resume to pull out the taunting-flap-the-wings thing towards the Philly sideline? For those unfamiliar with Gaffney, he was cut last season by the Eagles during training camp. He was a complete failure, couldn’t learn the playbook, and rookies like Hank Baskett and Jason Avant blew by him on the depth chart. Yes, you latched on to the Pats and just scored a nice TD. But that doesn’t mean you didn’t suck when the Eagles cut you loose.

7:20 left in the fourth quarter.

So now I’m lying here on the floor with my eyes glued to a game I whose outcome I was not planning on sweating in the least. I’m live blogging a game that should have been won by 24 points…or more. And yet, the Eagles are down 3 and about to get the ball and they have a shot to shut up every analyst in the country at once. Granted, they’re losing and there’s not much time left, but it is still a possibility. You know, this is one of the reasons I’ve gotten so jaded with ESPN. A couple of years ago, the Leinart-Bush USC Trojans were obliterating everyone on their schedule, and they had a date in the National Championship Rose Bowl against Texas. Since it’s been eons between the end of the season and the major bowl season, Sports Center had to find a way to fill the time. So what did they do? They put USC in a fictional bracket against the all-time great college football teams and had their analysts – even the respectable ones – debate their way through a hypothetical playoff system. USC was eventually crowned the winner of this stupid exercise…

…only to lose to Vince Young and Texas the next day.

4:53 left in the fourth quarter.

And now, A.J. Feeley is marching the Eagles down the damn field. The nerves are back. If I wasn’t type to you all, I’d be pacing back and forth in this otherwise quiet apartment. I’d be knocking back Yuenglings. I’d be laughing maniacally with every time Reid calls Westbrook’s number on a screen.

Interception. Of course.

3:33 left in the fourth quarter.

The play of the game, as Al Michaels has put it, has come on a 3rd and 1. It’s true. Let’s actually live-blog it. YES! It appears that Matt Light was so excited about the notion of a live blog that he false started. It’s 3rd and 6. This doesn’t change much, but it helps. My heart has slowed to 190 beats per minute. And of course, it’s a first down to Jabar Freakin’ Gaffney.

2 minute warning.

So if this game ends in the loss column, as it appears it will, the Eagles go to 5-6. But you have to be optimistic about the rest of the way. 5 games left – Seattle, the Giants, and Buffalo at home, Dallas and New Orleans on the road. All winnable games. And we can at least count on the one thing – the NFC sucks.

31 seconds left.

Westbrook’s going to return this punt. For a touchdown. Blindfolded.

Or he could fumble that. 19 seconds left. I hope that laminated playcalling sheets have a play called “The Play that Wins the Game.” I would recommend running that play.

Interception again. Oh well.What did we learn tonight, boys and girls?

1. The Patriots are beatable.
2. Al Michaels wears a girly scarf.