Hello, Saddle.

So this is what my office looks like.

Going on vacation over the Christmas holiday is both good and bad. Any time away from the commute, the meetings, and the water cooler is of course a luxury worth taking, but it makes the inevitable return to the office a mixed bag. And unfortunately for me, everything bad in the mixed bag far outweighs the good.

It’s like trail mix. Trail mix should be awesome. 2 of the 3 main ingredients – M&Ms and peanuts – are excellent snack foods. Unfortunately, they are forced to share that bowl on the end table with raisins – a food that I loathe. Raisins were a mistake on God’s part – they are defective versions of other foods that are successful and delicious. However, they’ve stuck around because some yokel ate a few once and didn’t die. I can’t blame God for ruining trail mix because he didn’t say “Eat the shriveled ones” to his Creation. But he did give us free will, which is what allowed us to eat shriveled waste. That leaves me with an untouchable, albeit healthy, snack mixture by the lamp.

Like I was saying, the first day back from any vacation is full of surprises. Most you can account for – thanks to the Blackberry (decidedly more delicious than raisins), you didn’t miss a single email. But there are the unexpected things that you can’t read on a helpful handheld, and provide excellent fodder for a comedy blog that took December off. Let’s recap.

• My mouse feels weird. Yeah, I know. I put my hand down on it, and the ergonomics just didn’t feel right. I actually looked around my office to make sure I sat down in the right place. I don’t have a mouse that is superfancy or anything – it’s your basic Dell Microsoft rollerball mouse with that tracking wheel that only works 47% of the time. That should be a sign that you should go home. What if you picked up your toothbrush after a week and instead of being smooth plastic, it was the sure-grip rubber material? Sure, it’ll get the job done, but you’ll question its whereabouts from the past 7 days. (ADA Note: You should brush your teeth more than once per week.)
  
• Who stole my trash can? Since I have an office, it is my responsibility to place the trash can outside my locked floor at the end of the day. Having last left my office 9 days ago, my trash can has been sitting in the hallway, apparently for the taking. Because it’s gone. It’s not that my trash can is anything special – I didn’t buy it and it looks like every single other one in this office – but man, oh the time we had. For reasons unknown to me, I had the Chili’s trash can. It was a black rubber receptacle like any other, except for the minor fact that it had a giant Chili’s Bar and Grill bumper sticker emblazoned across one side. Now I do my best to maintain a professional visage, so I made sure that the Chili’s side was always facing me and not the passers-by. Now, it’s gone.
  
  On the bright side, I am no longer constantly craving baby back ribs.
  
• In a very nice gesture, my West Coast boss got me a gift card for Christmas. That was extremely thoughtful, and now I feel like a bit of a doof for not reciprocating. But hey, that’s why she makes the big money and I don’t – to appease the underlings with shiny plastic merchandise vouchers. You see, you really can’t go wrong with getting me a gift card. I’m going to open it (this one was in a standard business envelope), and I’m going to be happy. Why? Because I have now been given the green light to go to a store and buy whatever I want for Christmas. My East Coast boss got me an iTunes gift card that I promptly turned into a stellar mix CD for all the interstate driving we just did. So what will this card be? Target? Best Buy? iTunes (again?) Really, I’m going to be happy with anything, since I’m not picky.

Starbucks. Figures.