Distractics - TV Edition

June 9, 2003.

I remember this day well. While it may have preceded YAB by a good 14 months, this day will live on in infamy. After being at my current place of work for almost six months, our department was re-located from the 5th to the 2nd floor in my building. We left on a Friday with our desks efficiently packed, the elves that we hire to do office moves came in on the weekend, and when we got in Monday, all was magically right in the business world, albeit 3 floors closer to the earth. As I sat down to enjoy my brand new cubicle, I flicked on my computer to begin commerce. And that’s when we learned that the network connection had yet to be re-established, leaving us off-line for the entire day.

I’ve been behind by a day ever since.

This past Friday, I realized for the first time in a long, long while, it was going to be a day of clock-watching. Since I had gotten used to being out of the office on Fridays to rent tuxedoes, I had grown so efficient on a 4-day work week that Friday was going to allow me a little recess. I looked at my phone sitting there, and I had an idea.

Nordberg!

Knowing I could count on him for distraction tactics – nay, distractics! – if I included geography in some form, I e-mailed him a challenge. I listed all 49 Awesome United States of America and Delaware, in alphabetical order in an e-mail. And via a back-and-forth e-mail exchange in which we take turns, our charge was to identify a television show that was based in each and every state. Sound easy? Sound hard? Don’t worry, we did the legwork for you, and our results are below.

I decided to start with a hallmark of television, granting Seinfeld bragging rights in New York. It was a solid selection, and a sitcom that warrants recognition. Nordberg agreed, and then responded with one for Connecticut. Of course, it was the Gilmore Girls. His stated reasoning: “I’m getting some hard ones out of the way early.” His actual reasoning: “It was the first one I saw in my purse.” That’s 2.

Ah, let’s move on to the Painfully Obvious types. These are shows that have their location in the name. And somehow we resisted not knocking out 17 states by merely listing all the CSI’s. Hawaii Five-O (HAWAII). Las Vegas (NEVADA). Eerie, Indiana (INDIANA). Roswell (NEW MEXICO). Dallas (TEXAS). Miami Vice (FLORIDA). Wow, that was great work. In other revelations, the sky is blue and rocks are heavy. That’s 8.

And then you have your iconic city TV shows. These are the ones that force people visiting that city to ask where they can find the house/office/bar in which it was set. No real surprises here. You’ve got Cheers (MASSACHUSETTS), Fraser (WASHINGTON), the Drew Carey Show (OHIO), The Wire (MARYLAND), and the Sopranos (NEW JERSEY). That’s 13.

What about shows that relied on local culture to advance the plot? These are shows that make you think of the location probably before you can name the secondary characters. Say hello to Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman (COLORADO), Dukes of Hazzard (GEORGIA), the Andy Griffith Show (NORTH CAROLINA), Northern Exposure (ALASKA), The Waltons (VIRGINIA), Newhart (VERMONT), and Big Love (UTAH). That’s 20.

What about newer shows? Yeah, we’ve got them, too. And even if they don’t go down in history as great television, they’ve now officially served their purpose. Thanks for the memories K-Ville (LOUISIANA), Eureka (OREGON), Saving Grace (OKLAHOMA), Smallville (KANSAS), and Army Wives (SOUTH CAROLINA). Hooray, 25!

Then you’ve got your group of older shows that you remember being on over a decade ago. Nordberg and I often remembered the show well, but couldn’t exactly place where they were without a little research. Nevertheless, they make the list. Evening Shade (ARKANSAS), Perfect Strangers (ILLINOIS), Murder She Wrote (MAINE), the John Larroquette Show (MISSOURI), Coach (MINNESOTA), and Step by Step (WISCONSIN.) Speaking of which, there are more shows set in Wisconsin than really are necessary. We could have gone That 70’s Show, Picket Fences, Happy Days, Laverne and Shirley. Look, I can’t help Nordberg is a dork. That’s 31.

Hey, shows that Condon likes to watch! Give me The Office (PENNSYLVANIA), The Family Guy (RHODE ISLAND), and Saved by the Bell (CALIFORNIA). Go Bayside, beat Valley! 34!

Look, shows we never would have heard of if it weren’t for a last-gasp Wikipedia run! I give you the tv version of In the Heat of the Night (MISSISSIPPI) and Hawkins (WEST VIRGINIA). In Hawkins, Jimmy Stewart won a Golden Globe for being a lawyer and old, at the same time! 36 and counting.

Reality shows are fun if you’re in a bind. Nashville Star is as TENNESSEE as you can get, and that stupid MTV high school football show Two-a-Days makes Alabama seem interesting. 38, baby.

I pulled a gem with Hey, Dude for ARIZONA early on in the game. I’m still impressed with myself.

And then we have MICHIGAN. So many good choices here. Home Improvement made its mark, as did Freaks and Geeks and Martin. But Nordberg opted for 8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter. And since he spelled all the words correctly, he gets it. Hey, we’re men! We’re 40!

That leaves:
DELAWARE – IDAHO – IOWA – KENTUCKY – MONTANA – NEBRASKA – NEW HAMPSHIRE – NORTH DAKOTA – SOUTH DAKOTA – WYOMING.Care to help? Go and rock the comments.

(And no, the Cheyenne Local News at 5 does not count.)

Dueling Previews '07: The NFC North

Finish Line! I see you!

Chicago Bears and Chuck (NBC, Mon, 8:00) – Of all the new shows coming out this fall, no show has had more intriguing or aggressive promotion than Chuck. It’s really a combination of elements that has brought Chuck about, and I think I’ve figured out the exact ingredients. First, you have Chuck – played by Zachary Levi – who looks like a bit like a “Jim-from-The-Office - plus-some-J.D.-from-Scrubs” hybrid. He’s a Best Buy-like store tech support officer, not unlike the very funny comedy setting from the 40 Year-Old Virgin. Finally, the plot has Chuck accidentally doing his job, opening an e-mail that decodes all of the government’s secrets, and now he’s a secret agent with a sexy partner. And as everybody knows, the world of sexy secret agencies is no place for a guy who knows how to hook up your printer. Meanwhile, in the Windy City, Rex Grossman (a man who was most impressive against the Vikes last year, throwing for 34 yards and 3 picks) remains the quarterback of a team with a sexy defense, an established running game, and a strong offensive line. Rex, meet Chuck. EDGE: Chuck

Detroit Lions and Kitchen Nightmares (FOX, Wed, 9:00) – Last year, the Detroit Lions were placed in this Dueling Preview Grid in the biggest mismatch ever, as an unknown show that I though had ZERO chance of survival was paired with it. The unfortunate series’ name, coinciding with the Lions’ news that one of their coaches drove through a Wendy’s naked, made it seem like a heavenly match. The Lions were awful, as expected, holding serve. Its projected failure of a TV rival? Some show called Ugly Betty. (Damn it.) This year, we hope to find a show to match with the Lions that will rival its levels of sucktitude accurately. And by gum (by gum?), we’ve found it. That show is Kitchen Nightmares, Fox’s extension of their moderately successful Hell’s Kitchen. Look, I’ve watched Hell’s Kitchen, and unless you like caustic criticism from a red-faced Brit, there’s not much to see. Cooking fans should tune into Top Chef, where the focus is more culinary, less casualty. Now, Gordon Ramsey will be coming into OTHER people’s restaurants and yelling at them. What if a boss from the company across the street came into your office and starting yelling at you? Not fun. As for the Lions, they have the right ingredients to improve by a few games this season. Assuming the only ingredient you need for said recipe is wide receivers. EDGE: Detroit Lions

Minnesota Vikings and Women’s Murder Club (ABC, Fri, 9:00) – The Women’s Murder Club is based on a series of James Patterson novels, although I’ve always noticed something screwy with them. Patterson is one of this authors who inexplicably churn out something like 20 novels a year. Of course, this is a clever rouse on behalf of the publishing company. By using James Patterson’s seal of approval, a publisher can try out new authors, and if their story sells well, maybe they’ll get a contract of their own. All in all, the WMC is a decent read – however I have no idea how it will translate to television. Women have proven their crime-fighting abilities time and time again on the various CSIs, but this will be their chance to make their mark. In a related story, Vikings quarterback throws like a girl. EDGE: Women’s Murder Club

Green Bay Packers and Pushing Daisies (ABC, Wed, 8:00) – According to the show’s synopsis, the main character, Ned, has a unique ability to bring people back to life simply by using his touch. However, if he touched them again, they would die forever. So Ned’s childhood sweetheart was murdered, and you know the Nedster went to the graveyard to rectify things – only now, any relationship they plan to maintain will have all the intimacy of a 6^th grade dance. He’s also a detective (though not a vampire), to complete the storyline. If I were the writer of this show, I would spend the first episode having Ned go to hundreds of cemeteries and touching every dead body he can dig up. That way, he’s released thousands of bodies back into the human population, resuming life as if their various illnesses/homicides/age-related deaths never happened. In Episode 2 and going forward, we resume the story arcs the original writers intended, only every now and then, Ned will touch a random stranger (the cashier at Starbucks, some businessman on the overcrowded Metro), and they will just drop dead on the spot. What an element of surprise! Hilarity would ensue. So why did I make this show the Green Bay Packers? I can’t remember. Oh, that’s right. Brett Favre is old. Brett Favre is old. Brett Favre is old. Brett Favre is old. Brett Favre is old. Brett Favre is old. Brett Favre is old. Brett Favre is old. Brett Favre is old. Brett Favre is old. Brett Favre is old. Brett Favre is old. EDGE: Pushing Daisies

Dueling Previews '07: The NFC South

I'm posting this while there's football on the television. If Trent Green completes his next completion, I will force myself to write an introduction to this column. Of course, this is a strong possibility, as long as Carlos Rogers is still on the field. But Trent Green isn't fazed by such under achievement. Let's wait and see...

Screen pass complete to Ronnie Brown for 2 yards? That shouldn't count as a completion. I'm overruling the cheating exploits of Trent Green. Let's go.

New Orleans Saints (0-1) and Big Shots (ABC, Thu, 10:00) – Surely you remember the less-than-kind words we had for Cashmere Mafia, also on ABC. Apparently, ABC has written the same show twice, but in the latter, is replacing 4 women with 4 men. The question will be whether or not this can capture the replacement male audience. If it plays like a relationship-driven drama – good luck. Your male viewing audience is busy watching CSI. But if the combination of the four actors can grab a viewing early, it has a shot with Grey’s Anatomy as a lead-in. The four actor portraying these Big Shots are Dylan McDermott, Joshua Malina, Michael Vartan, and Christopher Titus. And while their day jobs are currently unknown, we’re putting money down in Vegas that they’ll be a snarky lawyer, an energetic producer on a 3^rd-place sports news show, an agent for a highly clandestine national agency, and a smart-ass in a bowling shirt. In New Orleans, there’s room for 2 big shots on a team, and according to the league office, 3 applications were submitted. The first is Drew Brees, who came over from San Diego last year to make a star out of Marques Colston, throw clutch TDs, and almost lead his team to the Super Bowl. The second is Reggie Bush, a jack-of-all-trades back, who while electrifying at USC, has yet to find how he will leave his mark on the league. The third is Jason David, the cornerback from Indy who – what’s that? Application revoked? Oh. EDGE: New Orleans Saints

Atlanta Falcons and Samantha Who? (ABC, Mon, 9:30) – A long, long time ago, Christina Applegate proved she had comedic timing, enough to belong in any supporting cast of a major network sitcom. As a lead player, she did just okay on her own show, Jesse, in the late nineties. After that, she broke into movies in a big way, as the only woman in the testosterone-laden cast of Anchorman. Hence, it’s time to give her another shot, as a woman recovering from amnesia who’s realizing that pretty much she’s an awful person (for source material: rent 13 Going on 30 with Jennifer Garner.) Sure, amnesia is a convenient way to forget that past, but will it lead to ratings in a 9:30 time slot, often the death knell for comedies? As for the Atlanta Falcons, it might be nice to claim amnesia now. That way, they could claim no recollection of the biggest off-season story, not to mention the signing of Michael Vick’s heir, one Joseph Harrington. “Hello, sir. And you are? We signed you to what? For how many years? You must be mistaken. Maybe you’re thinking of the Carolina Panthers. They’re a big fan of giving unqualified quarterbacks second chances. EDGE: Samantha Who?

Tampa Bay Buccaneers and Journeyman (NBC, Mon, 10:00) – It’s amazing what playing your cards right can get you. Jeff Garcia, despite being a Mexican-American, headed north of the border after college spends 5 years shredding the Canadian Football League. The 49ers notices said shredding, and signed him to a multi-year deal where he paid them back with 3 Pro Bowl appearances. However, the 49ers tanked and ran out of money, and Garcia was forced to bide his time in two disappointing seasons in Cleveland and Detroit. Certainly, he questioned his ability to start in the NFL. His wife, the 2004 Playmate of the Year, is a wise sage of a gal, and told him to take a backup job for the Eagles in 2006. Once Chunky Soup 5 went down with a torn knee, Garcia led the Eagles into the playoffs, including a win over the Giants. Now, because of that card, he’s starting once again – in sunny Tampa. However, I don’t anticipate the journeyman who wears #7 faring much better than NBC’s Journeyman, which seems to be a carbon copy of Quantum Leap, but with 41% less Bakula. EDGE: Tampa Bay Buccaneers

Carolina Panthers and Life is Wild (CW, Sun, 8:00) – Do you remember when Lindsay Lohan was not crazy? The last movie she made during that time was the Tina Fey-penned “Mean Girls.” I enjoyed it at the time – but now that TBS has gotten a hold of it, it will be beaten dead by the end of 2007. Do you remember why Lohan’s character was new to the school? Very good, it’s because her parents just moved to the U.S. after spending years in the African grasslands. Life is Wild takes that brilliant screenplay exposition and flips the script on Fey and Lohan. In the CW’s replacement for 7^th Heaven, a high school girl also named Katie and her family leave the States to live on an animal preserve in South Africa! That’s brilliant! Now they can draw parallels between the interaction of wild animals with Katie’s struggles to adapt to her new family (new stepmom) and surroundings. Now I’ve never been to Africa, but I’ve seen what their native animals are capable of. Take the Panther, for example. Panthers are ruthless. They don’t have to answer to anyone and can make smaller, skinnier, dumber animals pay for their idiocy. This past April, ESPN had current Carolina WR Keyshawn Johnson sit center stage as a part of their draft coverage, having an empty seat for “Loud-Mouth Receiver” since they fired Irvin. When the Panthers spent an early round pick on USC WR Dwayne Jarrett, (Johnson’s alma mater), Keyshawn praised the move and spoke about how excited he was to teach his fellow Trojan the ropes. The next day the Carolina Panthers released Keyshawn Johnson, to make room on the depth chart for Jarrett. Man, Life in the NFL is Wild. EDGE: Carolina Panthers

Dueling Previews '07: The AFC South

As with last year's previews, the NFL managed to launch their season a few days early, preventing me from having a completely unbiased view of the season pending any actual results. On Thursday night, the Indianapolis Colts defeated the New Orleans Saints 41-10 at home in the RCA dome. So just when we thought John Mellancamp could fade into oblivion, his hometown team had to go and win the first every world championship for the Hoosier State. This no doubt led to Chevrolet renewing their deal with the Coug, as it seems we're in for more of the same commercials this year.

This is ourrrrrrr country.

Now onto Peyton and the teams he gets to beat not once, but twice this season.



Indianapolis Colts (1-0) and Cavemen (ABC, Tue, 8:00) – How did Peyton Manning not get a slot on the new fall primetime schedule? Peyton Manning, whose laser rocket arm endorses Sprint, was brilliant on Saturday Night Live last year. He, who was born from a rain-soaked Gatorade football, turned in the best commercial sketch in a decade with the United Way spoof. Manning, who thinks you should switch to DirectTV, did a ridiculous dance in the locker room sketch and got many laughs in the process. And yet #18, who never thinks it’s a bad time to use his Mastercard, is a Super Bowl MVP without a new pilot on any major network. But you know what? The Cavemen, who think you could save money on your car insurance by switching to Geico, have a prime comedy slot on ABC on Tuesdays. I tell you, Peyton Manning (who wears Reebok and wants you to as well), will find a way to get his revenge. He always does. EDGE: Indianapolis Colts


Houston Texans and Life (NBC, Wed, 10:00) – Life is about a guy who spent considerable time in jail for a crime he did not commit. (And it’s likely Martin Lawrence’s next great script idea.) Once he gets out, he does the completely logical thing – he becomes a police officer in the very precinct that threw him behind bars. He turns out to be a good cop, and yet nobody really trusts him or gives him a clean slate in their minds. No matter how much good he’ll do the Force, he’s going to have that reputation of being a criminal despite doing nothing to deserve that title. That guy is Matt Schaub. Matt Schaub spent last year as a quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons, a position that’s not exactly on the Best Jobs to Have list for 2007. He spent three years in the shadow of a man that felt the wrath of his actions weeks ago. But Matt Schaub didn’t stick around – he got traded to Houston. Hopefully the Texans will not falsely relate him to Vick’s misgivings. Also, hopefully his new offensive line will block a little better than the last guy who took snaps behind them and wore the #8 jersey. EDGE: Houston Texans


Tennessee Titans and Nashville (FOX, Fri, 9:00) – When we starting writing these previews a year ago, we looked for clever ways to link a group of 53 guys playing a sport with a program that has little sports content. We’ve paralleled actor’s careers with that of new free agents, found similarities in the plotlines, used plays-on-words, words-on-plays, and everything else in between. Well, guess what? The Tennessee Titans play in Nashville. BOOM! Be careful where you step – the literary magic is falling from the skies as we speak. Anyway, Nashville is brought to you by the people who produce Laguna Beach, as they refocus their view from the West Coast of Orange County to the country hot spot of Tennessee. We’ll follow a bunch of aspiring musicians who are likely prettier than they are talented, including Terry Bradshaw’s kid. (Ok, in that case, she’s like more talented than pretty, if she didn’t fall far from the tree.) I will only watch this show if they cast Vince Young. As he proved in the Rose Bowl two years ago and last year in the latter half of the season, this man can do it all. It’s just a shame that LenDale White frequents the Krispy Kreme near Dave’s old apartment a little too much. EDGE: Tennessee Titans

Jacksonville Jaguars and Cane (CBS, Tue, 10:00) – Who doesn’t love a good Bible story? (Answer: Osama bin Laden.) CBS has decided to kick it Old Testament with a modern-day adaptation of the story of Cain and Abel. Hector Elizondo, whose name is 38% more fun to say than mine, overlooks his elder son (played by the guy who was Richard Alpert on Lost) in favor of Jimmy Smits. Smits’ spoils? Why, he’s now in charge of the family business, a rum and sugar operation. Of course, it’s an operation on the up-and-up, since Smits no doubt has old pals in the NYPD up the coast. However, you have to feel bad for the Nestor Carbonelli (read: Alpert), who has remained in his father’s good graces for the past few years, working through injuries, showing immediate resolve, being a team leader, and agreeing to run for his life when his protection has broken down. Tough luck, Nestor, I mean Richard, I mean Frank – what should we call you, anyway? Screw it; for now on, Hector Elizondo’s two children will be called David Garrard and Byron Leftwich. And we hate to break it to you, it’s not called rum friends; it’s called rum business. EDGE: Cane

Dueling Previews '07: The AFC West

For the record, we received an incredible 25 entriesto our Dethrone the King contest; a marked improvement on the 8 or 9 who did battle with PK last year. Now I hate to admit, but the Big Honkin' Doofus correctly picked the Indianapolis Colts to down the New Orleans Saints last night, but the good news is - 22 of you guys did as well. Look for the standings to be posted Monday morning, and then updated again with the MNF game in the book the following morning.

If you want to check out PK's logic, it's up at SI.com. In the meantime, here's the AFC West.

Denver Broncos and Carpoolers (ABC, Tue, 8:30) – One of 9 new shows from American Broadcasting Company, Carpoolers focuses on the suburban life of four men who have nothing in common but their daily commute. Ah, traffic sitcoms. This hasn’t been tried since the early seasons of the Drew Carey Show. A nice premise, but ultimately, won’t the required “all 4 guys in the car scene” become trite, much like the obligatory “talk at the fence with Wilson scene" did on Home Improvement? But don’t worry, people! One of the four guys will be played by Jerry O’Connell! Now Jerry, I need to place your new sitcom with one of the NFL’s 32 teams, and I’ve narrowed it down to 2. It’ll either be Denver or San Diego. What’s that, you’ll either surf or ski? Clever. Look, Denver’s where you should be. But San Diego’s come in with a last-minute scenario. It’s big. Look, before a Dueling Preview, people get crazy. San Diego is offering seven years for 38 million. Signing bonus of 6. Now before I go back to Denver, let’s get something down on paper. You’re not dealing with Bob Sugar, are you? You let that snake in the door? It appears Carpoolers signed an hour ago. EDGE: Denver Broncos

San Diego Chargers and The IT Crowd (NBC, Midseason) – NBC can be trusted with the art of the comedy. They have the only two comedies I make an effort to catch weekly (Scrubs, The Office), and two more than I don’t mind every now and then (30 Rock, Earl). However, they seemed content with the four adding 0 new half-hour series to their fall lineup (Chuck is an hour long, even though it is rumored to be humorous). Waiting on the bench is The IT Crowd, a remake of a British series hopefully funnier than Jimmy Fallon’s old SNL crutch, Nick Burns: Your Company’s Computer Guy. But hey, NBC is getting all synergistic by tapping the host of The Soup on E!, Joel McHale, to star. And he, unlike Aisha Tyler, is damn funny. The LT Crowd will live and die by the stylings of LaDanian Tomlinson, the unanimous #1 Fantasy Football Pick, new Nike pitchman, and a player good enough to hijack the nickname of the most-feared linebacker of the 1980’s. It took a playoff loss at home to kick out a coach that led his team to a 14-2 record last year, and another year of seasoning for QB Phillip Rivers should pay dividends. If it doesn’t, expect Shawne Merriman to become the Terry Tate for the IT Crown on NBC this spring. EDGE: San Diego Chargers

Oakland Raiders and Baby Borrowers (NBC, Midseason) – Any show that advertises itself as a “unique social experiment” is always a recipe for needing a midseason replacement for a midseason replacement. Here, NBC will saddle a couple of teenagers with the responsibilities of adulthood, such as maintaining a real house, a real job, and raising children. Hey teenagers, let me fill you in on the ending to this – YOU ARE NOT QUALIFIED TO RAISE CHILDREN. I’m 27, and I’m barely qualified. Children are more unpredictable that Jerry Porter’s hands on any given Sunday. When I was your age, I couldn’t be counted on to pack a pair of shoes for a college visitation trip. You think I could keep up with a baby? This one will grab America’s attention, only to flame out like Kid Nation. Raider Nation, on the other hand, is being run by a kid – new head coach Lane Kiffin. Kiffin is only 32 years old. CB Duane Starks is 33, and DT Warren Sapp is 34. At least he can consult his elders if need be. But don’t sleep on the Raiders. Despite their inability to sign the number one pick in the draft or cut their third-rounder outright, they should be much improved from last year, with a defense that should steal a few games from the league’s easiest schedule. EDGE: Oakland Raiders

Kansas City Chiefs and Eli Stone (ABC, Midseason) – This comes from a write-up about Eli Stone, which stars Johnny Lee Miller: Eli has built a successful career at a top law firm in San Francisco representing only the biggest and richest corporations that make a habit of screwing over the little guy. But after experiencing a series of odd hallucinations, Eli seeks to find a deeper meaning to life while trying not to lose his job and destroy his relationship with the bosses' daughter.” Oh crap, now our lawyers are seeing things? What’s next? Tech support guys saving the world? Anyway, we’ll tune in because of Miller, who could have used some hallucinations to see some of the crap that The Plague was going to pull on him and his friends in the underrated 1995 indie flick “Hackers.” Now if you’re a fan of the Kansas City Chiefs, we’d like to let you know that a lot of what you’ve seen recently concerning your team actually happened. That hallucination that your Offensive Coordinator made Larry Johnson carry over 400 times, an NFL record – that happened. That hallucination that showed your team picking up Tyler Thigpen as a QB safety valve, rather than Byron Leftwich? Happened. That hallucination that proved that training camp is an excellent time to practice your dance moves? Happened. It’s going to be a long year, and Eli’s coming. EDGE: Eli Stone

Dueling Previews '07: The NFC East

Part of the fun of writing these previews is keeping track of which of the 32 teams and which of the 32 shows you've already written. Often, you find yourself writing these whenever the moment strikes you - and since that moment often occurs in the midst of a boring conference call, a fair amount of these write-ups were penned at my desk. However, publishing has occurred at night, requiring me to transfer my documents from laptop to laptop. Somehow, some way, I screwed up. After putting in a good 6-pack of preview capsules last night, my document from today overwrote all that I had done last night. Fortunately for me, 4 of those were already published in the first two columns. So when you read the Eagles and Saints - you're reading a Take 2.

Take 2's are less funny on principle. I blame Firefox .



New York Giants and Gossip Girl (CW, Wed, 9:00) – I don’t need to tell you anything about Gossip Girl to make you realize that it’s going to be terrible. It’s essentially a watered down Cruel Intentions setting with a group of kids as bright as the Laguna Beach crowd. Instead, let me list some of the projects that the cast of Gossip Girl have been in, to prove my point: “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants,” “Surface,” “The Covenant,” “John Tucker Must Die,” and “Spy Kids 2.” Sure, there’s a kid in it who played a bit role in Children of Men, but he’s unlikely to be the Gossip Girl. As for gossip in the NFL, it has a way of becoming bulletin board material. When a player doesn’t think twice and says something about his upcoming rival, it gets back to that rival quickly, and fuels the fire for Sunday afternoon. However, the New York Giants will have some difficulty putting to use the smack talk that’s surfaced in the past week about them. For the speaker of these harsh words doesn’t play for any opponent – it’s former G-Men running back and new NBC correspondent Tiki Barber. In a manner of days, the man with the imposing eyebrows has ruined any pro-Giants sentiments he held by trashing the current head coach, questions the abilities of Eli Manning, and likely will have something to say about Michael Strahan’s holdout. But then again, Mr. Fumbli is just saying what we were all thinking. EDGE: Gossip Girl

Washington Redskins and Reaper (CW, Tue, 9:00) – What the hell, CW? You were supposed to be the network for America’s Youth! You’ve brought us shows like Dawson’s, Charmed, Smallville, and Everwood! You’ve given a voice to teenage angst when teenage angst was too flummoxed to speak! And what do you do to the kid you have as the lead in “Reaper?” “Slacker geek Sam discovers his parents sold his soul to Satan before he was even born. And now, on his 21st birthday, the evil one has come to collect.” Sam didn’t even get a chance – thanks a lot, parents! Now he has to spend his life working as hard as he can just to attain mediocrity, since the Devil will always be nearby asking for a ten-spot. Sound familiar, DC Metrophiles? You’ve got Jason Campbell, a talented quarterback under center this year, and thanks to good coaching and a solid Auburn past, he could turn into the best QB the ‘Skins have had in the last decade. (Sorry, Heath and Danny.) He could lead a team to the Super Bowl on his arm – that is, if he had a team to lead. For Campbell, the time is now, because Owner Dan Snyder’s ability to overpay and overvalue free agents and have complete disregard for the college draft will SCREW the Redskins next year, and the one after that, and the one after that, and the one after that, and THEN we’ll finally be in the last year of Brandon Lloyd’s contract. EDGE: Washington Redskins

Dallas Cowboys and The Cashmere Mafia (ABC, Tue, 9:00) - You’re not going to see the Cashmere Mafia until December, people, and you are probably better off for it. It seems that ABC has taken the idea behind Sex and the City and Desperate Housewives and came up with this – four big shot ladies of the NYC who are superior to their male co-workers, doing their best to break the glass ceiling. Look, I’m friends with several very intelligent, good-looking, female MBA graduates, and I’d like to speak on their behalf. Casting Lucy Liu in their image is an insult and a crime. I wish that Sever had killed her. (Unless she was Sever; in that case I was rooting for Ecks.) Now when I saw “The Cashmere Mafia” on the lkist of new shows, I knew that it was my opportunity to throw a cheap shot in the direction of one of the Eagles’ NFC rivals. With Terrell Owens and Tony Romo in their offensive cast, this was not a hard decision to make. However, unlike the Cashmere Mafia, it’s unlikely you’ll see these guys/gals playing for their lives in December. Sorry, Wade. EDGE: The Cashmere Mafia

Philadelphia Eagles and Back to You (FOX, Wed, 8:00) – Funny story about Back to You. Over at Melt Your Face-off, a very early post by my linemate Reasonable Doubt managed to turn the entire Pittsburgh Penguins fanbase against us. It turns out that people from Steel City can’t exactly take a joke like those from say, Edmonton. A few days later after they were calling for our jobs, we posted another article, also with Pittsburgh fans in the crosshairs. LeNoceur had stumbled across a Washington Post online chat discussing fall television, and with Back to You being set in Pittsburgh, all of Western PA was fearing ridicule yet again. Despite getting the privilege of being the setting for a evening news-based sitcom starring PrimeTime powerhouses like Kelsey Grammer and Patricia Heaton, they were more concerned with how their small market would be lampooned before a national television audience. Hey, Pittsburgh – this is going to be funny. Relax. Staying calm works. That’s the only way Sidney Crosby is able to sneak in to R-rated movies. Wait a minute – this was supposed to be a football preview? Right. For the Eagles, they should seem limited competition from the NFC East, all whom are dealing with their own problems. Last year, we went to the playoffs on the back of Jeff Garcia, and this made him very tired. He’s now in Tampa, along with weak-in-the-knees Jeremiah Trotter. It looks like it’s Back to You, Donovan. EDGE: Philadelphia Eagles

Dueling Previews '07: The AFC North

I feel like we've come to a point in cinema where the beginning credits are no longer necessary. The Internet has already informed many of the moviegoers as to who the main talent in the film is - directors, actors, producers - these roles have become common knowledge. I think unless you have a killer musical score or a sweet visual montage to utilize random words at the beginning of your movie, we should all agree to go the way of television and abandon the opening themes altogether. Words are just getting in the way of what you really want to see.

You know, like the preview of the AFC North.

Pittsburgh Steelers and The Sarah Connor Chronicles (FOX, Midseason) – The nineties were quiet for Sarah Connor, who assisted California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger in fighting Technology gone wrong in the Terminator franchise. When the Machines rose over a decade later, Arnold didn’t need her help. Who knows what she was up to? She may have gone back to waitressing. She may have spent more time in a mental institution after her first botched bombing attempt at Cyberdyne. Hell, she may have stayed home and cried, as she watched her son Edward Furlong get eaten up by Young Hollywood. But thanks to a crack team of writers, she’s now fighting the bad guys yet again. Of course, after hanging out with T-1000 and his friends in the first two movies, her specialty has been fighting the baddest guys Technology can muster. Her latest foe? Why, the new mascot of the Pittsburgh Steelers, who is pictured here. His name is Steely McBeam. (take some time here to stop laughing, I’m dead serious.) Connor will use her wit, brawn, and guile to defeat this beast made of steel, which is a welcome change over the methods employed by Roethlisberger last summer. EDGE: Pittsburgh Steelers

Cleveland Browns and Bionic Woman (NBC, Wed, 9:00) – The idea behind the original Bionic Woman, which appeared on ABC and NBC in the late seventies, was that aside from the Six Million Dollar Man, no one really expected an everyday working woman to possess such super powers. She possessed blinding speed, great strength, flowy hair – standard seventies’ superhero requisites. And apparently 31 years later, we’re due for another installment, even if we didn’t really expect it, either. It has little star power in the cast, but then again, neither did NBC’s flagship rookie last year, Heroes. Phil Savage, on the other hand, has made great strides to rebuild his team, the Cleveland Browns, who have lacked a hero all the way back to the days of Bernie Kosar’s Jew fro. He was the mover AND the shaker in this year’s NFL draft, netting accomplished fisherman and offensive tackle Joe Thomas third overall, and then wheeling and dealing to pick their future franchise QB in Brady Quinn at pick 22. They also swiped division rival workhorse Jamal Lewis from Baltimore (no doubt an equal price to pay Art Modell, who stole ALL OF THE BROWNS on behalf of Charm City.) Throw in a bionically repaired leg for Kellen Winslow Jr., we just might see a winning season for the Dawg Pound. He CAN rebuild them. EDGE: Cleveland Browns

Baltimore Ravens and The Big Bang Theory (CBS, Mon, 8:30) – Of all the new sitcoms, this one seems to be the most predictable. Which means it will be perfect for CBS’ Monday night lineup. I’ve never understood the allure of shows like Two and a Half Men or According to Jim. A show that pairs a couple of physics nerds across the hallway from a smokin’ hot “screenwriter/waitress” (they throw screenwriter in there to make her smarter, but she’s not fooling anyone), and most likely, they’ll learn valuable lessons from one another. I also don’t understand why everyone in TV apartment complexes know and socialize with their neighbors. Since college, I’ve lived in no less than four different rental pads, and the most information about ANY of my neighbors was that at Random Run, they were from Romania and liked Tae Bo at 8 am on Saturdays. And they weren’t smokin’ hot screenwriter/waitresses. But then again, neither are the Baltimore Ravens. Everyone’s got them in the playoffs (you know, those boring previews that actually try and predict football straight up), but then losing in the divisional round because they got a bye but can’t handle an AFC powerhouse in their own building. San Diego? New England? Indy? All of them are the smokin’ hot, sexy screenwriter picks for prognosticators. Baltimore is the physics nerd. They’re going to be there in the end, no doubt – but that’s not why Football Nation is turning on the TV. EDGE: Baltimore Ravens

Cincinnati Bengals and Aliens in America (CW, Mon, 8:30) – Chad Johnson is not of this world. This is a man who makes casual viewers watch Bengals games in order to witness first-hand his next ludicrously awesome touchdown celebration. He swiped Terrell Owens’ stick, attached a lobster to it, and now he dons a most excellent hat. He even insisted on being called Ocho Cinco last year, complete with jersey patch. And this was all in a down year – Chad has vowed to RETURN to his entertaining excellence this year, since last year he turned himself down a notch. He loves to play the game and it shows. The CW, on the other hand, seems to have the right idea to television innovation. They’re trying to mimic the success of The Office by green lighting unusual sitcom ideas, like “Nobody’s Watching” and now Aliens in America. AinA features the pairing of two aliens – an awkward Wisconsin high school kid and a Pakistani exchange student named Raja, in hopes that adolescent hilarity doth ensue. So why does this innovation seem to feel a lot less like The Office and a lot more like Perfect Strangers? (Side note: if anyone enters the Dethrone the King pool with Balki’s method of picking teams, I will gladly grant you a bumper sticker.) EDGE: Cincinnati Bengals

Dueling Previews '07: The AFC East

The AFC East is often listen first in most football standings found in newspapers. Why is that, you say? Well, for any newspaper market that does not serve as home to an NFL team, they really have no reason to list any division above any other. So instead, they default to placing the AFC before the NFC, for the sake of alphabetization. After that, the East Coast Bias that was brought to the New World by the Pilgrims takes over. (They had the option of landing on the West Coast, they opted not to.) Therefore, the AFC East gets listed first. Before anything else can happen, there are the damn Patriots staring you in the face.

Guess what AFC East? In my world, you just got demoted to Second.

Again, leave a note in the comments if you want a last minute chance to get in on our Dethrone the King football pool. Bumper stickers are at stake, people.

New England Patriots and Dirty Sexy Money (ABC, Wed, 10:00) – Unlike “Life,” the producers behind DSM actually spent time coming up with a series title that will get the attention of possible viewers. And they followed up that by loading the cast with heavyweights like Donald Sutherland, Daniel Baldwin, and Kjill Clayburgh, all of them part of a crazy Hiltonesque family that will rely on a new lawyer to keep them out of jail and the tabloids simultaneously. Who better than Peter Krause, the man who co-anchored my all-time favorite sitcom, Sports Night? Krause (pronounced unnecessarily as Kraus-uh), will bring his Casey McCall charm and his Six Feet Under acting cred to a role that seemed designed and written exactly for him. As for the aforementioned Money, the Patriots finally opened up the wallet and spent some of the hard-earned cash those Super Bowl championships gets you. With big name free agent Adalius Thomas in the linebacker corps, Randy Moss patrolling the post routes, and yes, Vinny Testeverde warming the bench, the Pats hope it was Sexy well spent. EDGE: New England Patriots

Buffalo Bills and Kid Nation (CBS, Wed, 8:00) – Have you heard about Kid Nation?? CBS isn’t really promoting it – they’re letting the media do it, and they’re not even spending a dime. Basically, the premise is such: children are left to run their own town, form a government, and carry out basic living tasks like cooking, gathering resources, maintain order in the home, and play fantasy football. I don’t see what’s so revolutionary about this – the kids from the Simpsons tackled this over a decade ago. (An episode, which if it already isn’t, should be a part of any promotion video for Model UN programs) Well, some parents are ticked that their little boys and girls were effectively laboring as children, and their injuries (namely cooking grease burns) should not be tolerated. Look lady, the waiver was very clear, and you signed it. Hell, the kids even got paid thousands of dollars each. (They quickly spent it at 11 year-old entrepreneur Kenny’s Candy, Puppies, and Dress-Up Arcade.) Sadly, Buffalo Bills 21 year-old running back Marshawn Lynch’s application was not accepted for the show, and now will have to settle for a job that made him a fantasy sleeper across the country. In addition, rookie Paul Posluszny has been named starting linebacker after a stellar career at Penn State. Neither is expected to be dumb enough to eat the purple berries. They taste like burning. EDGE: Kid Nation

Miami Dolphins and Canterbury’s Law (FOX, Midseason) – You have to hand it to Fox. It’s about time they entered the fray of making drab dramas about a group of lawyers that should be interesting, but ultimately are not. What made The Practice a winner? What made Ally McBeal a success? Why do people stomach Shatner on Boston Legal? For every successful law show (these 3), another 5 have bitten the dust in the early throes of fall prime time programming. And now FOX, who would prefer to produce underwhelming shows of all varieties, have thrown their case onto the docket. Canterbury’s Law comes from the Grey’s Anatomy school of Program Naming, putting Juliana Margulies in the lead role. Margulies has earned her TV drama cred as being part of the early years of NBC’s ER. Similarly, Trent Green has earned his NFL Football cred as the QB of the highly successful Kansas City Chiefs offense from the first half of this decade. But was Trent Green the reason? I say nay. Al Saunders was the Clooney. Priest Holmes was the Edwards. Tony Gonzalez was the LaSalle. And Larry Johnson was the latecomer, Noah Wyle. Each of those guys is what made ER great. Trent Green? He’s just the Juliana Margulies. Enjoy him, Miami. EDGE: Canterbury’s Law

New York Jets and K-Ville (FOX, Mon, 9:00) – Perhaps the most ambitious new series, K-Ville actually refers to New Orleans, Louisiana. Viewers will follow the efforts of a fictional police force that has been assigned to defend a city that was defenseless two years ago against Hurricane Katrina. This will not be your standard cop show, and if nothing else, it’s probably worth an effort. (What’s that? They put it against Heroes? Nice knowing ya, K-Ville) So why didn’t I make the obvious connection to the New Orleans Saints here? It’s because there is a greater problem at hand for K-Ville than obviousness, and that problem’s name is Anthony Anderson. Anderson, who you may remember from such excellent work such as Kangaroo Jack and the TNBC show “Hang Time,” is the perfect example of wasted talent. Look, I know Anthony Anderson is a funny guy. When cast in the right role (as in Me, Myself, and Irene), he can be killer. But too many times, casting directors find a place for Anthony Anderson that couldn’t be a bigger mismatch. In Transformers, he played a paranoid computer hacker that ruined scenes – the only acting performance more egregious was Tuturro’s. In Romeo Must Die, he’s inexplicably cast as a funny guy in a movie that had no business casting a funny guy. Who is A-Squared’s NFL equivalent. Well, his name is Thomas Jones, and he plays running back for the New York Jets. After mis-castings in Tampa Bay, Arizona, and Chicago, let’s hope he’s found his dream role. EDGE: K-Ville

Dueling Previews '07: The NFC West

Welcome back to another year of Dueling Previews, the only place on the Interwebs where you can find a comprehensive NFL season preview and a review of all the rookie shows on the prime time TV schedule - AT THE SAME TIME. We feel that last year was a rousing success, as we provided far more pub to cellar dwellers like Celebrity Duets, Vanished, and "Oakland Raiders" than just about anywhere else.

Honestly, from scrutinizing the new fall schedule, we don't have high hopes for TV in 2007-2008. Nothing has caught my eye as a must-see, and with Lost on hiatus until January, it's going to be brutal. In order to combat dullness, the NBC Studio Football Night crew has now expanded to 18 people, bringing in new faces including John Riggins, Jimmy Fallon, Kenny Chesney, and Tank Johnson's ammo guy.

But football never disappoints. If you have an interest in making games like Oakland-Detroit actually interesting, you can join our Dethrone the King pool here on YAB by leaving a comment on this post.

Ok, let's get to it. Who's up for running an Oop-Tee-Oop?

Arizona Cardinals and Viva Laughlin (CBS, Sun, 8:00) – Have you seen anything about CBS’ new rival to Extreme Makeover: Home Edition? No? It’s probably because the ad wizards at CBS have no idea how to promote a show that’s being described as a story about “a dreamer who gambles his assets on the launch of a fabulous new casino. He's plagued by a mistress, a murder, money problems and a greedy rival. Oh, and people occasionally break into song.” Ok, it seems like a standard Vegas drama – I see gambling, organized crime, cut-throat business tactics, and what? Choreographed singing and dancing? (Allison Fraser would LOVE this.) Is this our generation’s Cop Rock? In the NFL, the Las Vegas-esque position is the quarterback. The QB is the movie star, the rock star, and the high roller of the team. One of the few faces a fan can recognize sans helmet, the QB makes the big money and knows how to spend the big money, just like in Vegas. Now based on the off-season coverage of the NFL, a casual fan might conclude the quarterback is the one responsible for the violence against puppies. Hey man, Vegas has violence, so should its NFL equivalent. This makes sense. But Matt Leinart isn’t your typical quarterback. He doesn’t kill puppies. He LOVES puppies. Check out that photo! That is so un-quarterback like! And that, there, is no song and dance. EDGE: Arizona Cardinals

San Francisco 49ers and Private Practice (ABC, Wed, 9:00) – 4 years later, it may be safe to assume that the greatest asset that ABC’s dramedy powerhouse Desperate Housewives gave the network was not the Emmys, the ratings, or America’s unhealthy obsession with Eva Longoria – easily the least talented of the four actresses on that show. No, what DH did was re-open a timeslot that had been long considered deceased by TV watchers – Sundays at 10. For the viewership who would tune in to see DH then stuck around for Grey’s Anatomy, another ratings powerhouse. Now Grey’s has gotten too big to afford all its actors, and have spun off red-headed doctor Kate Walsh into her own private practice in California, far from the familiar halls of her Seattle hospital home. Similar thinking hit WR Darrell Jackson this past summer, bolting the Seahawks’ familiar blue, gray, and electric green (?) after 7 years to set up shop in San Francisco. Will his QB, Alex Smith, now in his third year, prove to be a passer with surgical precision? We’ll have to tune in and see. EDGE: Private Practice

Seattle Seahawks and Moonlight (CBS, Fri, 9:00) – When we read that Moonlight is about a dashing private eye who also happens to be a vampire, we scanned all of the NFL rosters for a player who would be most likely to fit that profile. But then we got a call from the NFL’s new commissioner, Roger Goodell, who asked us explicitly to avoid prolonging the negative image that has plagued the league in his first year of office. Since it’s unusual for us to get phone calls from pro sports commissioners (owners, on the other hand…) we decided to oblige Mr. Rog. So instead, we’re using this space to promote the player in the nfl who we feel is the complete opposite of a dashing private eye who also happens to be a vampire. And that player is Seahawks quarterback Matt Hasselbeck. If he were dashing, Elizabeth from Survivor would have married him over his understudy brother, Tim. If her were a private eye, he could have solved the mystery of the questionable refereeing from Super Bowl 40. And if he were a vampire, he would have a strong distaste for garlic. Matt can’t enough of that stuff. EDGE: Seattle Seahawks

St. Louis Rams and The Next Great American Band (Fox, Fri, 8:00) – Before I get to Stephen Jackson and company, let me give you a brief explanation as to what American Band aims to do – and that is to improve the rock scene by turning it into a voting arms race. Much like American Idol aimed to make a superstar out of one person via a drawn-out, watered-down reality competition, your next supergroup will be formed using similar methods. Here’s the rub. Great bands are formed over time by friends who have inherent musical chemistry, not by choosing a lead singer to pair with a shredworthy guitarist to pair with a drumming virtuoso. That may be how good rock is formed, but not great rock, which the title so implies. The Rams? They’re good rock, not great rock. If they haven’t made it to the NFC Championship with the current cast of characters, they inch closer to a tear-down and rebuild phase. Torry Holt and Isaac Bruce aren’t getting younger or healthier, and Marc Bulger is the starting QB because his wife was less scary than Kurt Warner’s. Defense has a new face in Adam Carriker, but otherwise is toast against stronger teams. The Rams may want to be Zeppelin; instead we have Nickelback at the Edward Jones Dome, now through December. EDGE: St. Louis Rams

This afternoon: The AFC East!

Tower, Version 2.0

Let’s cut to the chase, people. In this era of primetime game shows, we’ve been getting most of our crazy money giveaway ideas from the United Kingdom. For some reason, they have cornered the market on innovative ways to simultaneously dole out large sums of money to undeserving peasants, while at the same time inject just enough suspense and glitz to prevent you from changing the channel. Eh, they were bound to be good at something – you know, after that whole colonialism thing blew up in their faces.

Why must we look across the Atlantic for programming innovation? Are we incapable of coming up with riveting television on our own? We’ve got resources they don’t. We are graduating millions each year in silly collegiate majors like “communications,” and no doubt if we get someone to organize, we can have these people sitting in rooms round the clock inventing new, good TV, right? We have more people! More rooms! More clocks! Suck it, England!

(calms down)

When it comes to overcoming our once-oppressors, it’s helpful to look into America’s past. After all, there's no place better to look how to top the Union Jack than what history has shown us. We can find an original television idea in our annals that would work perfectly well in today’s media programming climate. In fact, I think NBC already has.

They’re bringing back American Gladiators.

This is an excellent choice. Not only was this one of the best game shows on TV in the early nineties, patriotism will ooze out of TIVO, it’s so American. Now I don’t know what updates are to be made to the previous edition, but I do know that they’re going to need contestants. And barring stupidity on their part, that means one thing.

Chris Condon is going to be on American Gladiators.

I have copied selected excerpts from my 22-page completed questionnaire. Enjoy.

3) What is the next milestone in your life if you do not make the show? I intend to re-focus, re-tool, and re-apply. I understand that Gladiators in America is the pinnacle of the sport; however, there are many smaller national federations in which I plan to hone my skills and eliminate any deficiencies. I’ll start in the Caribbean ranks, beating up the competition on Haitian and Curacao Gladiators, and then make my way to the mainland up north. I’ll come back as the 3-year reigning champ of Canadian Gladiators, with a world record time in the “Igloo-Build” event.

7) What would your friends say are your best qualities? I’m tall.

8) What would your friends say are your worst qualities? I can’t hear them to find out. They’re all much shorter than me.

10) How competitive are you in every day life? I’m damn competitive. This morning I made two dishes of oatmeal, handed one to my 6 month old daughter, yelled “GO!”, and finished way faster than her.

15) How would you use the American Gladiators prize money? I’d put a significant down payment down on a new townhome in the DC area, thereby reducing my monthly mortgage payment to just under $6,000/month.

19) What conversation topics are “off-limits” for you at a dinner party? I cannot answer this question, as I’ve never hosted a dinner party. Dinner parties are for those who lose at American Gladiators. Winners have other means of eating – like going through a Wendy’s drive-thru and poking the cashier relentlessly with my giant jousting bar.

21) If you were going to be in People Magazine, what inside info about you would be put up next to your picture? “Actually subscribes to People Magazine.”

22) What is your most embarrassing moment? So there was this lamppost once…

23) What is the weirdest thing about you? I am typing this questionnaire with my mind.

26) From the list above, please circle your 3 biggest fears. (From the list, I circled “fire,” “the ocean,” and then I wrote in “If you find a way to put fire on the bottom of the ocean, I might cry.”)

30) Do you have any allergies? Red, white and blue spandex. Will that be a problem?

34) Do you know anyone who has or is applying for the show American Gladiators (if yes, please list their names.) Sure. Chris Condon

44) Below list the people you would like to appear with you on the show to help support you:
1. Katie Condon
2. Jesus
3. Master Yoda

----------------------------------------------------
I’ll let you all know when my episode airs.

Save Your Carry-on, Save the World (Pt. 2)

As I had mentioned two posts ago regarding my encounter with Sylar, the first season of “Heroes” has wrapped for the year. While the setting for the final showdown between Sylar and the good guys was cool (a completely abandoned city plaza), the action and the lack of closure with several characters left me disappointed. But hey, I’ve already affirmed my inability to write effective reviews of television and movies, so that’s not what I’m here to do. Instead, I’m going to find work for the Heroes.

You never know when you’ll need some scratch for the ice cream truck.

This may be a big travel summer for the family and me, as we attempt to show off the little one to as many people as possible prior to her becoming, well, more than just little. I know we have at least one more trip via the wild blue yonder, so my encounter at the airport with Sylar may become a recurring theme. Now some people will decry against the crime of overpacking – the method by which you bring everything you own even though you won’t use 80% of it – and I have to admit, it’s a valid point. I’ll be sure to only pack 3 pairs of cargo shorts instead of 4 next time. But one place I will not skimp?

Bringing Heroes to the airport.

The way I see it, each of the superpowered characters on Tim Kring’s NBC creation have some ability to make my trip through the many terminals of an international airport go smoothly. Airports are notorious for letting Vehicular Car-ma kick you in the knees (only to benefit later on, of course), and there’s nothing more frustrating to see even your most uberconservative time management scenario get shot to hell because of something beyond your control. If there were only a group of people able to bend time, space, and matter to help you along the way, you could kiss TSA woes good bye. Our assigned Heroes Airport Tasks (HATs) are as follows:

1. For half a season, Isaac Mendez was the struggling, heroin-addicted artist who could paint the future, complete with comic book-style carnage, intrigue, and color. When the moment would strike him, his eyes would gloss over, and the painting would begin. A whirlwind of brushstrokes would ensue, and when it was all said and done, you’d have canvas-based future. It seems more and more I’m getting on airplanes at ungodly early hours of the day. And since the airlines’ website never seems to be updating in real-time, it would be nice to have a nice watercolor rendering of my plane taking off with a clock in the foreground. It would be nice to know if I should pack a crossword puzzle for a grueling three hour delay. Thanks, Isaac.
2. If you are returning home, you probably have a pesky rental car to square away prior to checking in. Sadly, there’s not enough time to guarantee making it through the lines and getting that minivan back to the off-site parking. Sometimes, it would be nice to be two places in one. Enter Niki Sanders. Just let her evil alter ego do the checking in – I wouldn’t want to see her get pissed at Enterprise for a quarter tank of gas. And while you wait in line with her, you can quote all the Varsity Blues lines you want. Thanks, Niki.
3. Man, has getting through the metal detector ever become a chore these days. Now you know you’re not a terrorist, and since you’ve got the Heroes with you, there’s zero possibility that an actual terrorist would be beating the system with this next maneuver. In case you haven’t flown in awhile, you need to put your personal belongings into these gray plastic bins so that they can be X-rayed. And once you take off your shoes and belt, remove your laptop from your carry-on, drop your spare change, cell phone and keys, you’ve got an impressive 62 plastic bins to collect once you make it through. As long as you assure electronics whiz-kid Micah Sanders that you’re not a terrorist, he’ll gladly “fix” the detector so that all of this can be avoided. Thanks, Micah.
4. You’ve made it into the terminal. Congratulations. Since you have 40 minutes to spare, you decide to stand in line at the Starbucks kiosk for a well-deserved shot of caffeine. Life is good. That is, until some track star sprints right by you trying to make the 9:15 to Tampa and his carry-on hits your venti Latte with the force of Terry Tate. Good thing those 3rd-degree skin burns are only temporary – since Claire Bennet is on hand to help with those pesky searings. Thanks, Claire.
5. We were fortunate enough to travel on a plane last week that our old child mistook for a stationary room with many rows of seats. Had we explained to her that we were cruising at an altitude of 38k, she may have screamed and cried her head off, as babies are prone to do. Now while Clara was an exception to the rule, it is a well-known fact that babies like to cry on airplanes. It’s something having to do with having an audience that allows them to belt so clearly into coach and first-class. However, I wonder what they’re actually trying to tell us, since flight attendants don’t seem to have any actual idea. Enter Matt Parkman. The LAP cop who can read people’s thoughts would be glad to translate babyspeak. Thanks, Matt.
6. All this help and you STILL missed your flight? Just call Senator Nathan Petrelli. He’ll give you a lift.

Save Your Carry-On. Save the World (Pt. 1)

Ok kids, we’re back. Quite possibly with a vengeance.

Over the past week, we’ve been biding our time at the base of the Rocky Mountains. You see, my sister-in-law is now a newly minted 2nd Lieutenant in the United States Air Force, and we got to witness it all. There was pomp. There was circumstance. There was cross-country air travel with a small infant. Get ready to party!

But even before we could test how a 3 month old child would react to non-exit row seating and subpar in-flight movie selections (read: Bridge to Terabithia), we had to get on the plane first. And the best place to board planes, we’ve found from experience, is at airports. Funny how things work out that way. When you are traveling with a baby, it’s best to minimize the number of steps in the process. With two parents, one can be dropped off and stand guard over luggage and kin while the other desperately tries to find a place to park in the econolot.

Katie = Terminal Sentry
Chris = Econolot Nomad

However, if it weren’t for my trip to the lot that time forgot, I wouldn’t have seen Zachary Quinto getting off a shuttle bus upon my return to the terminal. You see, I didn’t know his name was Zachary Quinto at the time, so I didn’t say anything to him. Surely, you don’t know about whom I am typing either under the name Zachary Quinto. For all you care, he’s just another guy at another airport with no other claim to fame than having the most obscure initials on the planet. But what if I called him by another name?

What if I called him Sylar?

NBC’s largely successful sci-fi drama Heroes may have produced an underwhelming season finale, but that will in no way detract from the series’ frosh effort. And the villain of Season One was a twenty-something white guy with a penchant for sawing people’s heads off with his finger and absorbing their special power. So with each murder, he grew stronger and harder to defeat. He’s Mega Man, but with a heart of stone.

And he likes to fly domestically out of Dulles Int’l Airport.

Normally, this would be an awesome story to kick off a vacation. “Dude, I saw someone famous at the airport this morning!” “That’s awesome! Who was it?” “It was SYLAR – the guy who has the power to furrow his brow and set of a nuclear bomb at any time!!!”

Needless to say, this guy’s probably not going to make it through the TSA without taking off his shoes and belt.

Surely, there must be a line that can delineate the real world from Hollywood, something that would make me breathe more easily that I’m entering the baggage check area a few yards ahead of a man capable of the eradication of life by merely blinking. After all, actors and their characters often assume very different appearances. It’s not like Jack Nicholson goes to Lakers games dressed like the Joker. (Although it should be noted that the Joker just requested a trade from L.A. as well.) Here’s the problem with Mr. Quinto.

He’s dressed just like he’s on the show.

He wore a pair of blue jeans, a gray t-shirt, Chuck Taylors, and a black hoodie sweatshirt. Yeah, pretty much exactly like he looks on the show. Granted, he was clean shaven, and also was wearing a beat-up Pittsburgh Pirates cap, but he could have walked right off the set and into the terminal. (From his iMDB profile, that makes sense, since he’s from Steeltown. Our sincere condolences.)

And for the record, I didn’t stop him and say hello, really only because I didn’t know his real name and didn’t what to call him Sylar to his face. I feel that famous people only want to be approached by actual fans, and I think that actual fans would know enough to know the guy’s real name.

Well that, and I like my skull to stay in one piece for the flight. Makes wearing the in-flight headphones a lot easier and much less gross.

Desperately Seeking Mutombo

I don’t care how Desperate you are; don’t disappoint Dikembe.

Dikembe Mutombo easily makes out Top Ten Personalities in Sports right now, and probably takes a back seat only to Gilbert Arenas in the NBA. We’ve featured him as a hypothetical employee here as a minor tribute, and we asked a computer his age-old question on his behalf. Long story short, he’s a 7-foot-2 man from the Congo with shot-blocking talent and a heart of gold. Hell, he even befriended the French.

In the NBA, the most prominent player from France is San Antonio Spurs guard Tony Parker. You wouldn’t know it from his appearance, since they don’t allow players to wear berets or cravats on the court and he has yet to head butt Andrea Bargnani in an NBA Finals game. Overall, Parker is a nice player and a nice guy. But his defense and jump shot are not why most people know Tony Parker. Most people know Tony Parker because he’s part of the current highest profile relationship in pro sports.

He’s engaged to Eva Longoria.

Eva, for better or worse, has forged a career by being cast on ABC’s flagship dramedy “Desperate Housewives” over the last three seasons. She’s turned this job into becoming a fixture on all those “Sexiest People on the Planet” lists as well as underdeveloped movie scripts. Now Parker is still alive in the playoffs (the Spurs are currently doing battle with the Utah Jazz for Western Conference supremacy), but once that’s over, the two of them will be getting married this summer.

Good for them. Bad for the children.

Parker is a national icon in France, and the French would gladly pay good money to see him play hoops live. Now Tony doesn’t need the cash – hell, anyone who registers at Tiffany’s doesn’t need the cash. So why not donate it to a good cause. As the great humanitarian Gheorghe Muresan once proclaimed, “Win One for the Kids!”

Enter Mutombo.

Mutombo has raised millions of dollars, as well as donated a large sum of his own earnings to better the lives of so many back in his native Republic of Congo. He’s been the chief benefactor behind countless hospitals and schools. And as an international face of the NBA, his plan to hold an exhibition game in Paris in July would benefit the children of the Congo. Of course, if he holds a game in Paris, he should probably include Tony Parker.

And so he did…

…Parker was totally excited to be playing in front of his countrymen, and signed up immediately. Turns out, he’s going to be a little busy. Now Katie was cool when I finished up a finance project for B-School on the flight down to our honeymoon. Eva Longoria, I’m guessing, not so much.

Parker’s out, since he’ll probably be at some exotic locale where he and his new wife rent a bungalow on the beach for eleventy billion Schrutebucks a night. Mutombo, being a kind, gentle soul, understands. Of course, this means the game has to be cancelled.

WAIT!

According to this article, Longoria plans to be back on the set of Desperate Housewives the day after the wedding. The honeymoon isn’t immediately following, as she’s going back to work as Eva Longoria Parker the very next day. But Eva, why aren’t you letting your husband come out and play?

Easy. Eva Longoria hates children.

Look, I understand that you need to keep up with those fast-lane ladies you roll with. They’re not nice people. Marcia Cross kicks puppies. Teri Hatcher once ran over a hobo and drove away. Felicity Huffman cuts out boxtops for education and promptly burns them in her fireplace. So it should be expected that Longoria is just maintaining street cred by depriving the children of the Congo of health, schooling, and happiness.

Tony, it’s not too late, man. Run away.