Milk Carton Employees

When expecting somebody you know well to arrive at a specific place at a specific time, the imagination doesn’t even have an opportunity to get out of the starting blocks thanks to the comfort of familiarity. Rather than fearing the worst, you can always pick up the cell phone and call to find out exactly where your missing friend is. Because you share a closer relationship, no one thinks twice about calling, only to find out that the parking garage is fuller than Peter King with Himself and that your buddy will be there in 3 minutes.

With a co-worker, it’s not that easy.

Some of you may have co-workers that have become your friends once the office is closed for the day. Good for you, we say. But it is doubtful that all those around you have made your Christmas card list, so it’s safe to assume that this following scenario. Let’s say you have an employee that works for you that has remained an arms-length acquaintance and has yet to arrive at the office. Because pronouns are our enemies, let’s use a Harfordian plot device and give our little worker bee a name. How about Dikembe Mutombo?

Okay, make that a ridiculously tall worker bee.

So it’s 9 o’clock at the office, and Dikembe Mutombo is not at his desk. His chair is still pushed in and his computer is turned off. Even his bobblehead of himself is quietly still. Now Dikembe is an incredibly consistent man of schedule arriving at 9 o’clock every day, with a give/take of 5 minutes. So when the clock strikes 9, and big #55 isn’t at his desk (even his suits have a number embroidered on the back), there’s no reason to be concerned. After all, he’s still got a margin of error. As a supervisor, you don’t think twice.

Now it’s 9:10 at the office, as you walk by the desk of the aforementioned Mr. Mutombo, and nary a thing has changed. The latest you’ve ever seen him walk in the door passed five minutes ago, and you remember that day well. After all, fearing for his job, Big DM was sprinting through the hallway. On a 7-foot-2 frame, he scared poor Lois in Personnel half to death. However, he’s only ten minutes late and even all NBA Defensive Players of the Year hit bad traffic once in a while. As a supervisor, you pause, but ultimately forgo taking action in favor of that new tray of bear claws that good ole’ Lois just placed in the kitchen.

At 9:25, you’ve not only finished your bear claw, but engaged some co-workers into a riveting conversation wondering about something that sounds so violently fierce can be so delectably tasty. Returning to your desk, you call Dikembe’s office phone about the Q3 forecast, but nobody picks up. At this point you sit there 5 standard deviations from the norm, and now might be the time to get curious about his whereabouts. You review your calendar and e-mails to make sure he didn’t ask for the day off, and then call the front desk to see if they saw him come in the building. They ask for the employee’s full name, and rather than trying to pronounce that full name (it’s Dikembe Mutombo Mpolondo Mukamba Jean Jacque Wamutombo), you start on your morning West Coast e-mail responses, but keep as eye on the clock.

Okay, now it’s 9:45, and no sign of Dikembe. Maybe he’s downtown receiving a Human Service Award from the Ambassador of Zaire, or perhaps stuck in line at Kinko’s (that’s your fault for finding hidden comedy in having the big guy wave his finger and say “No, No, No” when they ask him if he’d like this press release collated.) But now comes the time that you need to take action – after all you’re worried, and as a supervisor, the time has come to take the responsibility into your own hands. My God, what if he’s hurt? I mean his health is important, but if he can’t play in your rec league basketball game against those bastards in Product Development Thursday? – What to DO? WHAT TO DO?

“Ring…ring…oh hey, Dikembe – yeah, it’s me Chris. I was just wondering if – oh? You overslept! No that’s no problem! In fact that’s great news! I was just wor – hey, it’s my job. Oh – well since you’re after the rush hour – could you, uh, stop at Kinko’s for the press release printing? Ok, thanks, man. I have a bear claw waiting for you when you get here.”

Supervisor Tip #731: Never freak out when you can’t find an employee.
Supervisor Tip #732: Fill job vacancies with people who average 11 boards a game.