Desperately Seeking Mutombo

I don’t care how Desperate you are; don’t disappoint Dikembe.

Dikembe Mutombo easily makes out Top Ten Personalities in Sports right now, and probably takes a back seat only to Gilbert Arenas in the NBA. We’ve featured him as a hypothetical employee here as a minor tribute, and we asked a computer his age-old question on his behalf. Long story short, he’s a 7-foot-2 man from the Congo with shot-blocking talent and a heart of gold. Hell, he even befriended the French.

In the NBA, the most prominent player from France is San Antonio Spurs guard Tony Parker. You wouldn’t know it from his appearance, since they don’t allow players to wear berets or cravats on the court and he has yet to head butt Andrea Bargnani in an NBA Finals game. Overall, Parker is a nice player and a nice guy. But his defense and jump shot are not why most people know Tony Parker. Most people know Tony Parker because he’s part of the current highest profile relationship in pro sports.

He’s engaged to Eva Longoria.

Eva, for better or worse, has forged a career by being cast on ABC’s flagship dramedy “Desperate Housewives” over the last three seasons. She’s turned this job into becoming a fixture on all those “Sexiest People on the Planet” lists as well as underdeveloped movie scripts. Now Parker is still alive in the playoffs (the Spurs are currently doing battle with the Utah Jazz for Western Conference supremacy), but once that’s over, the two of them will be getting married this summer.

Good for them. Bad for the children.

Parker is a national icon in France, and the French would gladly pay good money to see him play hoops live. Now Tony doesn’t need the cash – hell, anyone who registers at Tiffany’s doesn’t need the cash. So why not donate it to a good cause. As the great humanitarian Gheorghe Muresan once proclaimed, “Win One for the Kids!”

Enter Mutombo.

Mutombo has raised millions of dollars, as well as donated a large sum of his own earnings to better the lives of so many back in his native Republic of Congo. He’s been the chief benefactor behind countless hospitals and schools. And as an international face of the NBA, his plan to hold an exhibition game in Paris in July would benefit the children of the Congo. Of course, if he holds a game in Paris, he should probably include Tony Parker.

And so he did…

…Parker was totally excited to be playing in front of his countrymen, and signed up immediately. Turns out, he’s going to be a little busy. Now Katie was cool when I finished up a finance project for B-School on the flight down to our honeymoon. Eva Longoria, I’m guessing, not so much.

Parker’s out, since he’ll probably be at some exotic locale where he and his new wife rent a bungalow on the beach for eleventy billion Schrutebucks a night. Mutombo, being a kind, gentle soul, understands. Of course, this means the game has to be cancelled.

WAIT!

According to this article, Longoria plans to be back on the set of Desperate Housewives the day after the wedding. The honeymoon isn’t immediately following, as she’s going back to work as Eva Longoria Parker the very next day. But Eva, why aren’t you letting your husband come out and play?

Easy. Eva Longoria hates children.

Look, I understand that you need to keep up with those fast-lane ladies you roll with. They’re not nice people. Marcia Cross kicks puppies. Teri Hatcher once ran over a hobo and drove away. Felicity Huffman cuts out boxtops for education and promptly burns them in her fireplace. So it should be expected that Longoria is just maintaining street cred by depriving the children of the Congo of health, schooling, and happiness.

Tony, it’s not too late, man. Run away.