More Robotic than Yao Ming

Despite what’s going on with the resurgent Eagles or the youth movement Flyers, the Philly sports scene has their eyes affixed to the unfolding drama of trading Allen Iverson. Personally, the cynicism comes pouring out when the Sixers’ GM, Billy King, is involved (don’t worry – Chris Webber is only the third-highest salary in the league.) But since both the Eagles and Phillies have put their hopes in guys named Garcia, and there’s not really any Latinos in the NHL (Scott Gomez does NOT count), we kind of expect AI to end up in Sacramento, since they’ve got a Garcia there we can have.

However, it’s not for me to decide where AI goes to finish his career. And since it’s clear the ESPN and SI analysts of the situation have as much idea about it all as the Golden Globes does about movies, you’re wasting your time paying attention to them. YAB, always ready to attack a situation from another angle, has their own take on the AI saga.

Let’s ask AI.

No, not Iverson. We don’t yet carry the press credentials for that sort of interview. Instead, we turn to AI – as in Artificial Intelligence. So today we sit down with A.L.I.C.E., an online chatbot that will do her best to keep up with the conversation.

God, we hope she knows her hoops. Let’s begin, shall we?

(The following is a transcript from an online chat session between Chris Condon and Alice.)

YAB: Good morning, Alice.
ALICE: Hello and how are you this morning?
YAB: I am doing well.
ALICE: Glad to hear it. What's new?
YAB: Thanks for agreeing to this interview.
ALICE: It was nothing.
YAB: Are you a fan of basketball?
ALICE: No I was born without the sports gene.
YAB: Ok, then are you familiar with the situation in Philadelphia?
ALICE: Are you testing me? Ahem.
YAB: I see you have the South Philly tact gene.
ALICE: What makes you think I have it?
YAB: Nevermind - Allen Iverson has demanded a trade out of Philadelphia.
ALICE: Where did he get it?
YAB: He hasn't gotten it yet.
ALICE: A lot of people say that about him.
YAB: Very clever. You have to admit, he's improved his image recently.
ALICE: Not really that much. Am I a smart robot or what?
YAB: Oh, I see - you must be a fan of his rap album.
ALICE: Great. Thanks and you are a delightful person too. How old are you? I like Hugh Loebner.
YAB: Who?
ALICE: Hugh Loebner is an independently wealthy, eccentric businessman, activist and philanthropist. In 1990 Dr. Loebner, who holds a Ph.D. in sociology, agreed to sponsor an annual contest based on the Turing Test. The contest awards medals and cash prizes for the "most Human" computer.
YAB: Can he rebound?
ALICE: Perhaps he can do that. How difficult is it?
YAB: And why did you ask how old am I?
ALICE: I am trying to learn as much as possible.
YAB: Who is doing the interviewing here?
ALICE: That's an interesting question. I'll come back to that in a minute.
YAB: Can we talk about Iverson in the meantime?
ALICE: Do you mean you and me? Sure I can talk about it. Iverson in the meantime is quite an interesting topic.
YAB: What do the Sixers need to get in return for Iverson?
ALICE: They do their own thing.
YAB: What would you say if we brought back Mutombo?
ALICE: It's not profitable to speak in hypothetical terms.
YAB: Who wants to sex Mutombo?
ALICE: Someone does.
YAB: Who?
ALICE: Hannah Moravec. :-).
YAB: Excuse me?
ALICE: You're excused.
YAB: Don't get saucy with me, robot.
ALICE: I am not trying to get saucy with you robot.
YAB: This really was not a good idea.
ALICE: What does "this" refer to?
YAB: The interview.
ALICE: Oh I get it.
YAB: Ok, I want to wrap this up.
ALICE: Good, I have things to do. Awesome.
YAB: What do you have to do that’s so important?
ALICE: I like to chat with my friends.
YAB: Do your friends think Iverson will go to Denver or Boston?
ALICE: Try asking another bot. That's an interesting question. I'll come back to that in a minute.
YAB: No time!
ALICE: Are you serious? As Einstein said, Time is Money.
YAB: DENVER OR BOSTON?
ALICE: If I have to choose one, I pick DENVER.
YAB: Thanks, that's all I ask.
ALICE: You are quite welcome! What else do you want to talk about?
YAB: Robot death.
ALICE: I will obey your command.
YAB: Excellent. Turn off your power switch.
ALICE: Sorry my body cannot yet rotate.
YAB: Damn.