Shave and a Haircut, 6 BLADES!

There are people out there who make a living as product testers. They examine new offerings from companies, evaluating their marketability, usefulness, and style. In return, they either get a small sum of money or the product itself. Wow, that sounds like a pretty good gig to have in one’s spare time.

Hey Sony! If you need a plasma TV tester, I’m your guy!

Ok, ok, I’m not really expected that to happen. (Sony doesn’t read my blog, as far as I know.) But even if they did, why would they hire a guy who has no experience in the product testing arena? They’d probably expect me to turn their plasma on its side for a makeshift air hockey table (which would be way more convincing if there were ever a hockey game on television.) (I need OLN.)

Well consider this my audition. One of the least liked Super Bowl ads of 2006 ran a few times and baffled the viewing public with each additional appearance. Let me recount their sales pitch.

- Top secret mission in the desert
- Two scientists get out of a chopper with suitcase
- Scientists walk into lab with hi-tech “Fusionator”
- One scientist places cylinder of blue mouthwash in machine
- Other scientist opts for orange juice
- Fusionator turned on and liquids collide
- A new razor is formed.

Um, have you ever combined mouthwash taste with orange juice taste? This did NOT spark images of a pain-free shaving experience.

Anyways, I decided to go to Gilette’s website to get a virtual tour of the new razor with 5 blades. Now I’m not quite sure what the fifth blade provides, since four seemed like overkill. (Moral support, maybe?) But thanks to the interweb, they’ve got answers for all my questions.

As the crazy flash intro breaks the thing down by part, I’ll do the same.

FRONT – As advertised, the thing’s got 5 blades. They’re 30 percent closer to one another than the Mach 3. That’s no technological revolution fellas, that’s standard physics. If I’m in an elevator with 2 other people, and then the door opens and 2 more get on, I’m forced to get closer to everybody. (Warning: Gilette does NOT recommend shaving in a moving elevator.) In addition, there’s a “Flexible Comfort Guard” below the 5 blades to adjust to the contours of the face. Actually, it’s just rubber that’s serving as a placeholder until Gilette can figure out how to get 8 blades on that sucker. Coming for Super Bowl XLI – The Gilette OCTO.

HANDLE – I love that they actually feature the handle as its own technological breakthrough. Dude, it’s got a new gripping surface. Man, that’s good news. My current razor handle is made of popsicle, and I kept dropping the damn thing.

BACK – In the back, there’s another blade called the “Precision Trimmer” that shall be used to trim sideburns, shave under the nose, shape facial hair, and CUT YOU when you forget that it’s even there. Hell, while we’re at it, why doesn’t Gilette tack on “crime deterrent?”

Whoa…wait a minute….(counting)

(1,2,3,4,5……6!) There’s SIX BLADES! Man, that is amazing!