Send In the Serial Killers

I got the following email this morning via from Shawnee Group veteran Karen Yelito.

I ran across this gem~
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w0OcF4_vEKs
Who knew Chris Condon was so LAME.... hahahaha... I mean the title is cool but the who cinematography and story line could suck so bad.

Ok, when you get an email and you are called out by name, it pretty much compels you to click on a link, right? Especially since you do have a YouTube video of your own out there on the interwebs, and you’re hoping that K-Yel didn’t just discover you lazy-Sunday-masterpiece, some two years after the fact. But as I clicked through, and did not see that familiar “An SNC Digital Short” title screen, I knew that I was in for a ride.

A sad, depressing, clown-incorporated ride.

I am well aware that I am not the only Chris Condon in this world. We are a people strong, with writing ability, artistic talent, and height. We’ve written books. We can morph into available real estate. We can publish well-produced parody ads, and also spend our time taking pictures on the PGA tour. But these are all just the day jobs of Chris Condon. At night, it’s a completely different story.

And as Karen mentioned previously, it’s a lame one at that.

Now I’m not saying that I AM the Chris Condon that this “movie trailer” is featuring, as the producers of the flick do point out that “all events and characters in this movie are fictitious. Any resemblance to real people, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.”

Let’s hope so.

Let’s go frame by frame, and allow me to explain myself. Again, here’s the link.

:03 – The opening title frames feature an eye surrounded by darkness. Considering my eye was surrounded by blackness for the last few weeks, this does not bode well for my case to prove that this has nothing to do with me.

:09 – The Life of Chris Condon is the name of this flick, and it’s starring me as well, me. This is clearly a coup for Central Casting. You always wonder who Hollywood would have play you in a film. I always assumed it would be Jon Favreau. This works as well.

:15 – And there I am, clearly drunk at the wheel of my red convertible. Wait a minute, I don’t ever recall having that car. It’s probably a Porsche, which is clear-cut proof that this isn’t me. Do you think I’ve ever been able to fit my legs into the driver’s seat of a Porsche? Or maybe that’s why I drink. I drink the pain away. (In hindsight, that was a lousy parking job on my part.)

:20 – “Chris Condon is a serial killer by night.” It appears that serial killing is a tiresome occupation. It appears that I’ve fallen asleep immediately after exiting my vehicle. Hmm, a propensity to fall asleep in unusual spots. Damn it, this screenwriter has me pegged.

:24 – Did a clown just carry my lifeless body inside? Huh?

:25 – “And a clown by day” Wait a minute, so I’m the clown? Well, I guess that goes to explain why I don’t remember that car or anything about that ever happening to me. Now here’s where the facts get skewed. I hate clowns. I think they’re stupid, and often creepy. There’s no way I’m a clown, unless it’s the only way I can hide my night job from Katie. I don’t think her parents would approve.

:28 – Ah, the old hand buzzer. That would slays me every time.

:37 – “The only people he kills are other clowns.” You see, I told you I don’t like clowns. So it’s like a vendetta-type thing. This is making sense.

:55 – Ok, costuming totally screwed this one up. I know it’s highly confusing that all clowns are wearing the same exact outfit. But mark my words, I’m the clown in the black mask holding an axe. Clown-to-clown combat can get rather fierce, and there’s no way I’m bringing a knife to an axe fight. Hey, is that axe passing through my pelvis? Ow.

1:05 – Didn’t even need the axe. I just killed that guy using mind bullets.

1:12 – Ok, so now I’m in some sort of old Mexican cathedral setting. This was supposed to be a boardroom, but we blew all of our production budget on that car back in the first scene. We had to deal with what was available. And no, those three actors aren’t zombies.

1:20 - “And of course…he kills…HIGH” I was just about to admit to being a chain smoker, until our helpful narrator just turned the table on me. That’s no ordinary cigarette. Who’s hungry?

1:30 – “HIGH…CLASS…ENGLISH PEOPLE” Did I say I was HIGH? Sorry about that, that was a mistake. I have never done drugs. (I’m going to kill that guy with the cue cards.)

1:42 – I shot them? Where’s my axe?

1:46 – That guy on the left took a long time to die. What a ham.

See? I told you that wasn’t me, Karen.

Naming Rights and Wrongs

Sidney Lanier is a man we’ve chosen to remember as famous. How do I know this? The man warrants his own well-written Wikipedia page. Some would say Sidney Lanier, a guy you’ve surely never heard, is not worthy of having his own Wikipedia page. After all, it appears that Sid was nothing more than a Civil War-era musician and poet, which explains why the Confederacy lost. For it is our opinion that musician/poets make terrible soldiers. Especially flutists.

That’s why we invented Fife and Drum Corps a hundred years prior.

But Lanier would go on to greater mediocrity, publishing poetry in low-circulation Southern magazines and finding a chair in the world-acclaimed, um, Baltimore Peabody Orchestra. (The Peabody was no match for the Boston Pops or the new York Philharmonic. So, it was pretty much EXACTLY like the A.L. East division in MLB.)

But apparently being an above-average fish out of water of the past is exactly what it takes for someone in the future with too much free time to pen a Wikipedia page about your life. And what’s more, that is not where the legend of Sidney Lanier stops, no-no.

The man’s got a middle school in Virginia, too.

Yes, after much recent construction, my morning commute vision is no longer obscured and I can now see that Sidney Lanier Middle School is the name of the bastion of learning next to the 7-11 on Jermantown Road. It’s a beautiful facility that will surely do the children of Fairfax Country much good for years to come. How an average musician/poet from Macon, Georgia got his name on a Virginia school is beyond me.

Sonnets make crappy bribes.

As baffling as that is, it gives me hope that my name will someday be arbitrarily plastered on a civic locale of note. The way I see it, there’s tons of things that need random names assigned, and my strong background of alliteration and, well completely awesomeness, should go a long way in securing naming rights. But just because you’ve got your name on something doesn’t mean you’ve reached the holy grail of existence. There are levels of name fame, and here at You’re a Blog, we’ve decided to save you the legwork.

Our following categories will denote how famous you’ve become based on how awesome your memorialized plaque item is. The theme for today if you’ve yet to reach that top tier? Don’t Settle.

TIER 1: middle schools, hurricanes, deadly diseases

TIER 2: a grandchild, elementary schools, high schools, university building/facilities, libraries, your own cable news show, an intergalactic star, hospital wings, production company, mixed beverage

TIER 3: a new species of plant/animal, element on the periodic table, passed federal legislation, a character in a movie, a street in your hometown

TIER 4: a college or university, an internationally-recognized prize of distinction, a professional sports stadium, a professional sports franchise, international airport, Fortune 500 company, France

TIER 5: national monuments, national parks, mountains, major city, a new United State

TIER 6: the Christopher P. Condon Pearly Gates of Heaven

Any other ideas? Let me know in the comments and I’ll let you know where they fall.

Housen Hunting?

Many of you may know that Katie and I have begun looking for our next living locale, and this time, there’ll be equity. You never know where you may come across the property that will supply you with your first mortgage, whether it’s patrolling nearby neighborhoods in your car or scouring the weekend section of the Post. However, in the Internet age, one cannot overlook a newer avenue.

Some list belonging to a guy named Craig.

Fellow Monrovian Diana Kelly can be credited with e-mailing this super-sweet pad to our attention. And I have to admit, this place looks promising.

Luxury Condon For Rent

2 bedroom/2 bathroom luxury condo for rent
New upgrades and fresh paint
Free Access to Tennis Court, Swimming Pool, and Gym
Minutes to DC and free shuttle to Van Dorn Metro

That’s right, consumers. Chris Condon now comes in two varieties.

Regular and Luxury.

I know what you’re thinking. The market is still so inflated, how will I ever afford a Luxury Condon? Or a luxury condon, for that matter? After all, you were in the market to buy a residence, and then Craig (a savvy marketing major, no doubt) also tries to get you to buy a Condon. And yes, he’s planning on upselling you. Luxury Condons are a great investment.

Now I know you’re new to the marketplace, and you’ve never really considered purchasing a Condon, luxury or otherwise. And since we know, Diana, that you were originally looking for condos, we’ll cover that two. After this informative blog post, you’ll never confuse the two again.

A luxury condo features 9-foot ceilings, leaving your house guests with plenty of head room.
A luxury Condon hits his head on 9-foot ceilings, because his head requires more room.

A luxury condo has granite countertops in the kitchen.
A luxury Condon will gladly fall asleep on countertops in the kitchen.

A luxury condo has ample food prep space and cabinets in a spacious kitchen.
A luxury Condon preps his Condiments in spacious kitchens, but insists on using fancypants Ranch dressing in order to satisfy the luxury requirement.

A luxury condo has hardwood flooring, to give your den a sophisticated feel.
A luxury Condon finds hardwood boring, he’d much rather have floors made of trampoline.

A luxury condo has free access to a tennis court, swimming pool, and gym.
A luxury Condon plays tennis with two forehands, plays his best pool blindfolded, and makes fun of other people at the gym.

A luxury condo is walking distance to the Metro.
A luxury Condon thinks Eddie Murphy should have stuck to being the Beverly Hills Cop.

A luxury condo will often feature a fresh coat of paint on all walls.
A luxury Condon once got sent home from pre-school because he refused to finger paint.

A luxury condo is outfitted with stainless steel appliances.
A luxury Condon thinks stainless steel sounds like a challenge.

A luxury condo will allow you to live and entertain your guests in the lap of luxury.
A luxury Condon insists you pay the bank $75 if you land between Park Place and Boardwalk.

Letters from Iwo Virginia

Ron Burgundy: Boy, that escalated quickly... I mean, that really got out of hand fast.
Champ Kind: It jumped up a notch.
Ron Burgundy: It did, didn't it?

Much like the Anchorman sayeth, my predictions this morning for the 79th Annual Academy Awards didn’t exactly follow my recent rise to near-perfection. Since our annual tabulator Mike Nordberg hasn’t checked into the office yet today, our summations are reporting accurate predictions in only 31 of 40 slots, five off last year’s pace, and the worst we’ve done since, well, ever. (That’s only four years, let’s not make it out to more than it is.) And while we can’t be pleased with such an effort – after all, we have seen 16 of the 36 flicks with a nomination – we’re happy to see certain movies get their due despite our best efforts.

Rather than reading boring re-caps on CNN or E! or some other website with unnecessary punctuation, here’s what you need to take out of this morning’s announcements.

Dreamgirls got smoked.

This is what happens when we have an over-saturated media. I remember reading reports prior to LAST year’s Oscars that Dreamgirls was the runaway favorite. I remember it being praised this past fall even before anyone had seen the final cut. And here we are on el Dia de Los Nominaciones, and they’re on the outside looking in. No Picture. No Director. No Screenplay. One thing is clear. Hollywood is no place for Condons.

(Just kidding – my Uncle Bill won a screenplay Oscar for Gods and Monsters. And he makes some wicked good pancakes.)

Here’s how it happened. Dreamgirls is a good movie, and many people liked it. But it’s not a great movie, and we nominate great movies for Best Picture. The way the noms work is that voters rank their five favorite movies in a category. The Academy then looks at first-place votes, and if any movie had enough of ‘em, they’re in. Then they look at second-place votes, and if they have enough, they’re in, too. This will normally get you 5 nominees. Confusing? Let’s say you’re getting married, and for some reason (maybe you’re insane, I don’t know), you’ve decided to let everyone in the bridal party help choose the menu for the rehearsal dinner. You ask everyone to look at the list of possible entrees (you’re rockin’ the family-style), and the Top 5 choices will make the menu. Now everyone has a different favorite (even Nordberg, who insists on lobster tail – dude we’re at an Italian joint), and those votes are made. But for everyone’s fifth choice, it’s Chicken Parm across the board. Everyone likes Chicken Parm, but nobody loves it. Therefore, you’re stuck eating Lobster, Steak, Shrimp Scampi, Chicken Marsala, and some veggie pasta crap dish (I’d blame a bridesmaid), but no one gets Chicken Parm.

So that’s 3 of my 9 errors right there. I believed too much in Chicken Parm.

Also, there’s the screenplays. Screenplays are written by writers. And writers were probably English majors. And English majors don’t get me. They look at me weird when I walk by Tucker Hall, and say things like, “Stranger than Fiction was a clever, tight, entertaining script ABOUT writing a book – how the hell don’t you guys think that’s awesome?” And Volver wasn’t apparently the script that La Catrina, my Spanish 3 learning videos were. Oh, and English majors don’t like Chicken Parm, either. Also, I put Borat in the wrong place. His mind should be honored for what he writes, not how he acts. My bad. High five?

All in all, it was a good day for Oscar. Hooray for Letters from Iwo Jima, for Mark Wahlberg and Djimon Hounsou, for sparing us from a Prince performance, and for finally giving us some material for another Oscar video.

What? Who said that?

Turning Words into Money

Yeah, it’s December 19th, and you’re reading this blog because you’ve given up eschewing work in favor of some last-minute online Christmas shopping. But there’s bad news on the horizon – now you’ve waited to long and if you need what you intend to purchase by Christmas, the requisite shipping has escalated to Two-Day Shipping. That free Super Uber Saving Shipping that Amazon is toting is free, yes, but guarantees you will absolutely have what you ordered by Epiphany. And while it was okay for the Three Wise Men to show up a few weeks late with belated gifts, your brother or sister probably doesn’t share in their wisdom. Any internet savings? Gone in the shipping, my friend.

But for those who seek a great last minute gift of inspiration and advice, may I recommend you head down to your local Barnes and Noble/Borders/local bookery and BUY MY BOOK. No, it’s not YAB: You’re a Hardcover, which has been shelved until someone restarts Blogbinders.com. Instead, it turns out that according to Amazon, I, Chris Condon, have written a book.

And I had no idea it even got published.

Kids write the craziest things in elementary school. They write book reports on Tom Sawyer and make the best research the World Book Encyclopedia has to offer seem like their own. They churn out short stories about soccer or horsies or dirt or pizza. I wasn’t like other kids. I didn’t write about soccer or horsies. I wrote –

Building Real Estate Riches
By Chris Condon

Yeah, I know I may lose some credibility since I don’t currently own A home, much less many homes to constitute a home portfolio. But hey, while other kids were eating paste and taking names, I was studying the ebb and flow of domestic real estate. I’d personally like to thank Amazon for doing such an excellent job recapping, summarizing, and promoting by book on their web page. Let’s look at some of the highlights, shall we?

First off, they’ve decided to price my paperback at 16.95, with a 0% discount. 0%? Come on, Jeff Bezos! The people demand home buying advice, and with a down payments and mortgages, cut them some slack. Okay, if you buy this book and show it to me, I’ll institute a $6.96 discount into your wallet – that’s how it should be.

(There are only 3 left in stock – damn, I must be good.)

According to the editorial review on the page, “Industry insider Chris Condon addresses the most critical step for investors--planning for resale through the entire process to maximize the number of potential buyers.” First off, I’d like to say it’s great to be considered an industry insider. I don’t think a whole lot of people in this industry know of my whereabouts, but that’s only because I’m REALLY inside. Hell, I’m an industry undergrounder. Secondly, I just can’t stress enough about maximizing your potential buyers. I feel while discount interested rates and move-in specials have some effect on this point, cupcakes always seem to do the trick.

Currently, I have the 398,527th best-selling book on Amazon.com. I’m coming for you, Obama.