Like an Orange on a Toothpick

(name the reference, you cine-philes...)

Halloween is fast approaching, and while I thought that the days of dressing up were long gone, I'm under the gun to come up with something for the office party on Saturday. The trouble is, my co-workers have very high expectations because of my role in the organizational culture. I'm the funny one in the office - they count on me to have something witty to say (or to strike someone down with a stress ball when they least expect it.) And while they might not be expecting a funny costume, my people demand creativity, or at least a little bit of thought on my behalf.

Translation: Wearing a baseball cap with a leaf hanging down from the brim and coming as a "leaf-blower" isn't going to cut it.

So I've got an idea that I am fairly pleased with, but there's a hitch. I need a hat to pull it off. "A hat you say? You've got lots of hats, Condon." No, for two reasons. 1) I don't have the type of hat I need. 2) My roommate is a hat thief. Of course, there's a larger problem in this plan.

That larger problem is my head.

Caput Magnum, man.

The hat industry would probably say that they cater to those of us who are nogginally-enhanced: with sombreros. Don't get me wrong - sombreros are a good time, but it's not the kind of hat I'm looking for in order to complete this ensemble. Thinking back, every costume I've ever head needed special attention to headgear.

• I was Yoda when I was like 3 years old. It was one of those plastic masks with the elastic band that the Surgeon General has since outlawed in 43 states. I may have caused suffocation, but it didn't singe my head.
• I remember being Dick Tracy one year, probably when I was 9. I had a plastic fedora that had a way of popping off my head, but it was roomy enough to hide gum that I got Trick or Treating. Mom wasn't a fan of the gum.
• I was a football referee in 7th grade. For the costume, I had to wear my little league baseball cap. Little league was always good about catering to my type. The caps were always big enough to fit, but I hated going to the plate with the medium helmet cause guys like Chris Smith would have the only X-Large one and he would be on base. Ow.
• Every year from 15 on when I've had to dress up, I've been a hockey player. I bought my own helmet, so I know it fits. Even if it didn't, it really didn't matter. No one really looked at me funny considering I'd rollerblade around the neighborhood with a 6'0" giant blue Cookie Monster.

Well, I think I've found the solution to my problem that won't cause cranial bleeding come Halloween. Maybe this weekend I'll finally figure out how to use pictures on this thing.