A Video Game Shame

I maintained a healthy childhood playtime regimen of living in both the actual and virtual world. I grew up as a Nintendo enthusiast, but for every conquest to save Zelda, every Mario Kart race I won by photo finish, and every attempt to master the ultra-trippy Super Mario Bros. 2, I made sure to play outside with real people and in real games. I think kids these days play a lot of video games, and I understand why. The realism of modern systems is enough to make a kid think it’s the real world. Did I ever think I was getting on a real motorcycle when I played Excitebike? No, which made it easier for me to go outside and get tennis balls stuck in my dad’s gutters. And look, I turned out pretty normal. Right?

Well, I still have a gaming system, courtesy of the Prodigal Roommate, although much of the entertainment fare has been condensed to sports. I’m not picky – the general competition of professional athletics being translated to a quick-spinning disc will do. I may even, on a slow day, let you know the lengths we go to make it not just A game, but OUR game. (It’ll scare you, I promise.) EA Sports has a quality product, and I support them wholeheartedly. But what if I wanted to step off of the playing field and play a non-sports title.

Well, here’s an option from Hell.

That’s right, kids! Coming soon to an Xbox or PS2 near you is The O.C.. Based on the trendy (and from what I hear, addictive) teen soap opera on Fox, you, too, can be pretty and brooding at the same time! Here’s an article excerpt on the gameplay:

The style of play is similar to reality-simulation titles like “The Sims,” allowing fans of the show to explore the “O.C.” universe by dressing to impress, joining the right cliques, dating the right people, and striving to fit into the ultra-trendy community, Guillemot.

Hey Guillemot, whoever you are, I’ve got news for you. What happens when kids realize it’s more fun to dress to scare away, join the wrong posses, date the mailman or a fire hydrant, and strive to fit into a community that is completely dysfunctional and craves cupcakes? This is the real fun in simulation games – taking the whatifs and throwing them on their collective head. So while you finish up with the programming for this trainwreck, Best Company Ever will be releasing the following titles, just in time for your holiday shopping needs! Enjoy!

The A.C. – You are Bayside’s #1 jock, A.C. Slater. Make your way through high school while managing to fight off the evil hosebeast “Spanno” while maintaining your varsity letterman status in wrestling, basketball, football, track, and ever other sport that has ever existed.

The C.C. – Act as Chief Awesome Officer Chris Condon in his daily routine. The Kingdom of Ig demands that you bring the funny, while doing battle with dragons, volcanoes, and Redskins fans.

The D.C. – The very first public transportation racing game! Level 5 is a doozy, where you try and make it from Franconia-Springfield to Silver Spring in less than 6 hours.

The J.C. – A Biblical offering from BCE. Help Jesus lay the smacketh down on some Pharisees. Gain strength points by chowing down at the Wedding at Cana.

The M.C. – Become a master of ceremonies for a Fox reality talent show, a la American Idol. Goal: don’t be a tool.

The N.C. – Video game based on the intense rivalry between the UNC Tar Heels and the Duke Blue Devils. Lead your rabid college fan base in a prank war against a friend!

The P.C. – Navigate through the twists and turns of being an outspoken politician without offending any voting blocks. Also, be sure to keep sidekick Strom Thurmond under close supervision.

The U.C. – Get your money’s worth of your college dining plan by eating as much as you possibly can at William and Mary’s central dining facility. Bonus points for knowledge quizzes based on the copious amount of Flat Hat copies available.