Attend this!

“Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen, I’d like to take a few moments of your time for some brief instructions. If you could direct your attention to your flight attendant at the front of the cabin, thank you.”

I’m a word short and a day late on this one, but it’s time for another edition of “Little People, Big Mouths.” The first round, focusing on the epic battle of Gymnast vs. Retail, eventually Gymnast won as the stupid shirt got pulled off the shelves. Call me crazy, but in the Main Event of Flight Attendant vs. Hollywood, I’m not exactly pulling for the underdog.

“We’d like to take this time to review the features this aircraft has been equipped with in case of an emergency. I will now hold up a mutated seatbelt and show you how easy it can be to strap yourself in. Hey, why aren’t you paying attention to me?”

As reported here, three different Flight Attendant unions have banded together in a show of solidarity to try and convince the world to boycott the latest Jodie Foster thriller, Flightplan. Before I tell you why, can I ask a quick question? Why do we have THREE different flight attendant unions? Can’t we all just get along? Could you possibly have different agendas? Are some for the right to watch the in-flight movie, while others are stumping for the use of rollerblades to accelerate drink service? Ok, that was four quick questions.

“Yes, as I was saying, in the even of cabin air pressure loss, the compartments above will open up and an oxygen mask will drop down. Please put yours on first before assisting anyone else. That way, your children can take their mind off impending doom because you look like a duck.”

Apparently, Peter Dowling’s screenplay doesn’t exactly paint the flight attendant occupation in the best flight. Or in their words - “We could get over the rudeness, but the evilness, to be the villain that is not acceptable.” Ok, so flight attendants don’t save the day in this thriller. Hey guys, you can’t always be the hero. You had your glory – in Airplane.

“In the event of a water landing, your seat cushion can double as a floatation device. So can your flight attendant union leaders – they, too, are full of hot air, and should get you to shore in an efficient and friendly manner.”

Look, flight attendants are helpful people. They are responsible for the comfort and safety of all people entrusting passage in the friendly skies. And I’ve never had a problem with a flight attendant before. They’ve always been extremely accommodating when I try and fit this 6’4” frame into a seat with 1’3” of legroom. When it comes to your job, you do an alright job.

“I’d also like to turn your attention to rows 7 and 23 of our aircraft – these are our exit rows. In there is electrical failure in the cabin, the aisle will illuminate with lights directing you to these two rows. However, Chris Condon’s logic may indicate that we’re the ones who should exit now.”

But don’t get bent out of shape when you are made to play the fool in a Hollywood work of fiction. Did the EPA freak out when Ghostbusters made Walter Peck an absolute jerk? Did the NSA file a complaint when Will Smith took them to school in Enemy of the State? Where was the protest from the LAPD when they were the corrupt arm of L.A. Confidential? And finally, where was the AP press release from the Stormtroopers when they were portrayed as a white-suited trainwreck of a fighting corps? See, it happens to EVERYONE, flight attendants. I suggest you return your chair to its upright position, put all tray table into their locked position, and quietly excuse yourself from the spotlight.

”Thank you for flying Yora Air."