Junk in the Comment Trunk

I’ve been hesitant to put up that comment authentication tool for the commenting YAB public for three reasons, really. First, I want those who would like to bring some funny to be able to crack jokes uninhibited, not being forced to spell words like “yinoxjti” or “bloufzarn” or “ovechkin.” Secondly, I know Mattias and Nordberg have both been making great strides on their spelling homework in recent weeks. I wouldn’t want to confuse them, making them think that there is more and more vocab to master. And thirdly, I wouldn’t be so wildly entertained by some of the junk comments that hit the board on a daily basis.

I’m sure every now and then those who frequent this site on a daily basis see the occasional random appearance of a non-sensical post, whereby YAB is being used as a springboard for the start-up business world. Granted, every morning, I pull out the e-squeegee and wipe the slate clean so that I can single-handedly thwart their business model (ok, double-handedly. E-squeegees are very heavy.)

Since January 14, YAB has been inundated by 108 generic comments that all follow the same exact format. This is no fan of the funny, this is the blog equivalent of an automated dialing machine. And like I said, it always follows the same syntax:

“ blog. ”

Let’s break down the art of the junk comment, shall we?

1 – The is the first strike of the mass marketers to get my attention as the YAB Chief Awesome Officer. In the last 45 days, YAB has been called prodigious, exciting, creative, sensational, suitable, astonishing, unusual, inspiring, energizing and hype. Whoever this guy is, he’s married to a thesaurus.

2 – It’s not that we don’t welcome readers from overseas, in fact it’s kind of cool to think that what we write is showing up on computer screens from Albania to Zaire. But our auto-comment man is just piecing together the English language like it’s an LFO song. A typical example would read as such: “This site I love much and it out did itself and will be back!” What will be back? You? The blog? Sanity?

3 – The second sentence always talks about surfing. ALWAYS. And it will pull the title from the particular post it is referencing for added hiliarity. And as I write post 396, I assure that no post has been safe, dating back to July 2004. It’s like blindfolded darts, and YAB is the doorway to the left of the dartboard. Another example: “when I have time to surf the net, I consistently find blogs about The Goooaaaliieee! In much favor.

I never knew how much you cared.

4 – Finally, the sales pitch. I’ve been targeted to help hawk cash advances, ice fishing shelter, boomerang supplies, work at home jobs, skydiving supplies, Spanish wedding planning, and shoes.

This morning, I received a perfect example of all discussed methods from a guy who posts as “Crazy Dan.” It read:

“Tis the season! I was searching the web and found entry Writer's Block Party. I really like your site and found it worth time reading through the post. I am looking to publish a comprehensive site ranges many types of historical needlework. All those interested in this area will find this article of interest as it is written from many perspective. Please feel free to take a look at my blog at atm machines and add any thing your want.”

All I have to say is Wow.