Telecommuting It In

From a 4/05 post titled “7 Deadly Office Sins”:
Do NOT bring up Office Space at work. It’s a funny movie, and it’s very good. But no matter what reference you make to it while at work, your work situation will never, EVER be as funny as the movie.

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. This is my confession.

Well it’s not exactly bringing up Office Space at work if you are not physically at your office, is it? After all, the quote I would like to use to preface this post is fitting, but for the actual place of use, I guess I didn’t technically do anything wrong. I’m really quoting Office Space ABOUT work, not AT work, so you know what? I didn’t commit one of the 7 Office Deadly Sins. But since I’m typing here in the Confessional, I might as well confess a sin I plan to commit sometime in the near future. Father, I am sorry for when I pretend to be on the phone when that crazy woman down the hall comes and tries to orate on what it takes to be a good parent. My bad.

Ok, on to the quote:
Joanna: So you're gonna quit?
Peter Gibbons: Nuh-uh. Not really. Uh... I'm just gonna stop going.
Joanna: When did you decide all that?
Peter Gibbons: About an hour ago.
Joanna: Oh, really? About an hour ago... so you're gonna get another job?
Peter Gibbons: I don't think I'd like another job.

Translation: Working from home is great.

Over the course of the last two weeks, while home trying to introduce the outside world to a brand new human being, I was able to do all of my work-related computing from the comfy confines of our apartment. And I gotta confess, it was pretty sweet.

Normally, you take off work on a weekday because you have a reason that will not allow you to come to work that day. Vacations are popular; not only will you not be in the office, you’re not even planning on being in the town/state/country. No one can contact you, and if they do, we think it might be time to turn that Blackberry into the most expensive skipping stone ever to be launched into the drink.

And then there’s the glorious Monday of a 3-day weekend. However, the government has not decreed you to stay home from work just for the hell of it – they feel that you must be celebrating something. Which is why so often that Monday will have a barbeque, picnic, or ball game planted in the middle of your off-day agenda.

And I don’t take sick days. They're for sick people.

Which leaves virtually zero days during the week in which I may wake up in my bed and have a completely clear, non-work schedule ahead of me. Sure, they’ll be diapers to change and clothes to wash, but that beats sitting at a desk, doesn’t it? And sure, I can log some hours by getting work done on the laptop, but would they know the difference if I’m wearing shorts and sandals and sitting in the Big Brown Chair? (all rights reserved) Heck, no! In fact, I’m thinking of moving all operations to homebase – if I’m getting my work done – who cares if I’ve got Cool Runnings on over my shoulder? I don't think anyone would mind if Sanka Coffie chimed in on the occasional conference call. Hell, he does my taxes, I'm sure he could contribute.

And yet somehow, inexplicably, the blog slows down when I’m at home. As the Magical YAB Post-Partum Tour rolls on, we’re doing our best to amend that (I think this Post #6, and Wednesday’s not even over yet). I guess the reason is simple:

I must have left the funny locked in my office drawer.

Postscript: Have you ever watched a DVD in the background of your work computer and gotten away with it? If so, the comments are your forum to brag.

Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Oscar, Part II

Good afternoon, Nation. I’m Stephen Colbert. Thanks for tuning into to You’re a Blog today for the second half recap of the 79th Annual Academy Awards. Now you may know I’m not a big fan of movies not starring me, as cinema is breaking down the moral fiber of American society. At least the ones that don’t end with the protagonists going to White Castle. Regardless, Editor Condon (what an American) has asked me to give my thoughts on who should have won and who did win. Since Grizzly Man wasn’t eligible (there’s nothing worse than seeing a man fraternize with Godless killing machines), I’m happy to do so, as long as he name something on the blog in my honor. That brings us to tonight’s word:

Oscar.

Best Foreign Language Film
After the Wedding – 0%
Days of Glory – 6%
The Lives of Others – 0%
Pan’s Labyrinth – 88%
Water - 6%

Who Condon picked: Pan’s Labyrinth
Who Stephen picked: Pan’s Labyrinth.
Analysis: Look, America. I’m cool with the fact that we are just a simple part of this big Earth, although by far the best part. I’m also cool with limiting the rest of the world to one award, while we distribute our little gold guys to our own (and Helen Mirren – rowrrr.) So the Germans won over the Spanish favorite, it appears, and I’m cool with that, too. But “Water?” From “Canada?” After my son, Stephen Colbeagle, fled to Canada – that is not a nomination I will choose to recognize.

Best Sound Editing
Apocalypto – 0%
Blood Diamond – 12%
Flags of our Fathers – 18%
Letters from Iwo Jima – 41%
Pirates of the Carribean: DMC – 29%

Who Condon picked: Pirates
Who Stephen picked: Flags of our Fathers
Analysis: Look, I know refer to you, my viewers, as the true Heroes, and this is not a term that I like to throw around likely. But Clint Eastwood? This man is a true Hero. Through film he has shown us the importance of the work our soldiers perform daily on our behalf, even if his Japanese movie was far better. So if you want to honor him as a Hero by throwing an accolade in the direction of his A/V Club lackeys, I’m all for it.

Best Sound Mixing
Apocolypto – 12%
Blood Diamond – 12%
Dreamgirls – 47%
Flags of our Fathers – 24%
Pirates of the Caribbean: DMC – 6%

Who Condon picked: Dreamgirls
Who Stephen picked: Ahem, Stephen?
Analysis (listening to headphones) “We're your dreamgirls, dreamgirls will never leave you” What? Oh, we’re back on? Sorry about that, Nation. Um, ok, let’s see, um I want Nancy Pelosi’s head on a stick? That sounds more Me than singing along to the wildly catchy Sound Mixing winner, right?

Best Visual Effects
Pirates of the Caribbean: DMC – 76%
Poseidon – 0%
Superman Returns – 24%

Who Condon picked: Pirates
Who Stephen picked: Superman Returns
Analysis: Damn right I picked Superman to win this trophy. Does he not stand for truthiness, justice, and the American way??? All Captain Jack Sparrow stands for is rum.

Best Animated Short
The Danish Poet - 0%
Lifted - 0%
The Little Matchgirl - 24%
Maestro - 35%
No Time For Nuts - 41%

Who Condon picked: Maestro
Who Stephen picked: Jon Stewart
Analysis: Heh, heh, hee-hee. Woooo! Get it? Jon Stewart? Animated Short? God, why do I even pay writers for my show, I could do it myself and kill. (God, I’m sorry for addressing you in that prior sentence directly without genuflecting and also insinuating that I would be capable of murder. Don’t smite me. And send my best to your Son.)

Best Short Film
Binta and the Great Idea - 12%
Eramos Pocos - 29%
Helmer and Son - 6%
The Saviour - 12%
West Bank Story - 41%

Who Condon picked: The Saviour
Who Stephen picked: The Saviour
Analysis: You see God? I totally didn’t mean to disrespect you in my analysis of Best Animated Short. I chose YOU to when Best Short Film – not Mel Gibson, not Al Gore - you specifically! Man, how sweet would that Oscar look as the new mantelpiece to the Gates of Heaven? Probably pretty damn nice next to the signed self‑portrait I sent you for your birthday in December. Oh, there are still readers here? Sorry, Nation.

Best Documentary Feature
Deliver Us From Evil - 6%
An Inconvenient Truth - 82%
Iraq in Fragments - 6%
Jesus Camp - 0%
My Country, My Country - 6%

Who Condon picked: An Inconvenient Truth
Who Stephen picked: My Country, My Country
Analysis: ‘Tis of thee! Sweet Land of Liberty! Of Thee I sing! Land where it’s great to sing, and Al Gore was boring. Iraq we are defending! Best Doc Award.

Best Documentary Short
Blood of Yingzhou District - 24%
Recycled Life - 35%
Rehearsing a Dream - 18%
Two Hands - 18%

Who Condon picked: Blood of Yingzhou District
Who Stephen picked: ZzZzZzZzZzzzz….
Analysis: Coming to theaters in June of 2007: the epic you’ve all been waiting for.
Alpha Squad 7: Lady Nocturne: A Tek Jansen Adventure

Best Costume
Curse of the Golden Flower - 12%
Devil Wears Prada - 24%
Dreamgirls - 29%
Marie Antoinette - 24%
The Queen - 12%

Who Condon picked: Dreamgirls
Who Stephen picked: The Queen
Analysis: General rule of thumb, America. If there’s a movie with East Asian setting, it will get a nomination for Best Costume. If there’s a movie about the fashion industry, it will get a nomination for Best Costume. If there’s a movie about Victorian England, it will get a nomination for Best Costume. Due to a stunning lack of sharp suits and power ties in any of these, I had to go with The Queen – it had kilts.

Best Makeup
Apocalypto - 41%
Click - 18%
Pan's Labyrinth - 41%

Who Condon picked: Pan’s Labyrinth
Who Stephen picked: Real men don’t wear makeup…Marie Antoinette.

Best Original Song
I Need To Wake Up - 6%
Listen - 35%
Love You I Do - 41%
Our Town - 6%
Patience - 12%

Who Condon picked: Listen
Who Stephen picked: I’m Proud to Be an American
Analysis: I mean really, more love for Al Gore? How did this man get so wildly popular? He’s a frickin’ ROBOT! I’ve even bought insurance to protect myself from Al Gore.

Best Art Direction
Dreamgirls - 18%
The Good Shepherd - 0%
Pan's Labyrinth - 59%
Pirates: Dead Man's Chest - 12%
The Prestige - 12%

Who Condon picked: Pan’s Labyrinth
Who Stephen picked: Taller Walls
Analysis: Yes, that’s right, America. We need to build taller walls around Hollywood. As Pan’s Labyrinth picked up its third award of he evening, it seems that we have an immigration epidemic on our hands. Between Guillermo del Toro, Alfonso Cuaron, and Alejandro Inarritu, it has become clear to me that the Mexicans are taking all the good American directing jobs. Did you see Stephen Spielberg? He looks hungry! And why does he look hungry? Because he’s not making any money! Somebody build me a taller wall and grab Stephen Spielberg a Danish if you could.

Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Oscar, Part I

We’re still not quite sure what the point of Chris Connelly’s teaser monologues were before each commercial after 10pm. Here’s a guy who’s always been an average pop reporter who was trying to convince the viewer to come on back after these messages because of all the surprises that were bound to happen. The only real surprise? Chris Connelly wouldn’t shut up. ABC was putting on a good show – we didn’t need Kurt Loder’s perpetual understudy to tell us that.

Instead, of Chris Connelly, we’d like to let Chris Condon walk you through the night of 24 awards, like we do every year on YAB. Why? For starters, he has better hair. Here are the 12 major category results, with percentages reflecting the OPIII electorate, and the winner in bold. Like last year, I’ll cover this one, and maybe guest critic Stephen Colbert will take over.

Best Picture
Babel – 35%
The Departed – 53%
Letters from Iwo Jima - 6%
Little Miss Sunshine – 6%
The Queen - 0%

Who I Picked: The Departed
Who Should’ve Won: The Departed
Analysis: This was the only movie from this year I gave 5 out of 5 on Smith’s site The Film Critic. An excellent gangster thriller with an unbelievable cast, it improved upon similar Mystic River by keeping up a torrid pace, yet never leaving the audience behind. With the exception of the CGI rat in the final scene, I have not a single complaint about this movie. You got it right, Academy.

Best Director
Clint Eastwood – 6%
Stephen Frears – 0%
Paul Greengrass – 6%
Alejandro Inarritu – 12%
Martin Scorsese - 76%

Who I Picked: Martin Scorsese
Who Should’ve Won: Paul Greengrass
Analysis: I’m not a big fan of two things – awarding Best Director to someone not named Condon, and giving an Oscar for someone’s larger career/body of work. Fortunately, Scorsese deserved this for crafting together such a clever adaptation of Infernal Affairs. If he hadn’t won, I would have been happy with ANY of these guys winning. But all in all, the ability of Paul Greengrass to dictate and direct the events of United 93 with a bunch of amateur actors was truly amazing. Also, he held the camera steady for once (ahem, Bourne Supremacy.)

Best Actor
Leonardo DiCaprio - 6%
Ryan Gosling - 0%
Peter O'Toole -6%
Will Smith - 18%
Forest Whitaker - 71%

Who I Picked: Forest Whitaker
Who Should’ve Won: Forest Whitaker
Analysis: In his role in Last King of Scotland, Whitaker had to turn on a dime so many times between lovable buddy and insane Ugandan dictator, he was really playing two roles (this is how it should be done, Norbit). I've seen all of these performances save O'Toole, which I believe is Irish for "Of the Toole." Don't worry, by the end of their careers, both Smith and Leo will win someday. Oh, and since I haven't mentioned the fifth, um, McAdams loves Gosling.

Best Actress
Penelope Cruz - 6%
Judi Dench - 0%
Helen Mirren - 88%
Meryl Streep - 6%
Kate Winslet - 0%

Who I Picked: Helen Mirren
Who Should’ve Won: Helen Mirren
Analysis: There's not much more that can be said about Mirren's Tour de Force performance in The Queen. So instead, a small anecdote - My sophomore year in the apartment, we were playing Cranium and I had to do one of those stupid green cards that require you to get up and act like an idiot. I drew Princess Diana. Now it was one of those cards where I was allowed to talk, and a high-pitched "I'm the Queen!" was all that it took to get my crackpot team to guess my identity. Well that, and the poorest taste joke I have ever made. So, rather than thank the Academy, I'm using this blogspace to now formally apologize to Princess Diana. Sorry, D.

Best Supporting Actor
Alan Arkin - 12%
Jackie Earle Haley - 0%
Djimon Hounsou - 6%
Eddie Murphy - 35%
Mark Wahlberg - 47%

Who I Picked: Eddie Murphy
Who Should’ve Won: Eddie Murphy
Analysis: This is where the politics of Hollywood sucks. Murphy's frontrunner status came crashing down because 1) he was too safe in the lead, 2) Norbit shows a lack of, well, everything but fat suits, 3) Arkin was a Lifetime award waiting to happen, and 4) Dreamgirls is still chicken parm. Murphy was GREAT in his role, and Arkin was just good. (It should also be noted that I may have even enjoyed Hounsou and Wahlberg more than Arkin as well.)

Best Supporting Actress
Adrianna Barazza - 6%
Cate Blanchett - 0%
Abigail Breslin - 24%
Jennifer Hudson - 65%
Rinku Kikuchi - 6%

Who I Picked: Jennifer Hudson
Who Should’ve Won: No Idea Whatsoever
Analysis: Of these performances, I only saw Breslin and Hudson, and yeah, I'll give Hudson the edge over Little Miss Sunshine. But while Eddie Murphy fell, Hudson remained a stone-cold lock - and I'm not quite sure why. Maybe it was weak competition (I have a feeling Blanchett could hav taken this if anyone had seen Notes on a Scandal), but Hudson wasn't awesome - she was good, like Arkin. She looked semi-ridiculous in her send-off song to Foxx in the middle, and while she rebounded nicely, it was an easier role. Chances of Jennifer Hudson ever winning again? Elevnty Billion to One.

Best Adapted Screenplay
Borat - 24%
Children of Men - 24%
The Departed - 47%
Little Children - 0%
Notes on a Scandal - 6%

Who I Picked: The Departed
Who Should’ve Won: The Departed
Analysis: It's a pretty good rule that the Best Picture winner also takes home its respective screenplay award - why? Because the screenplay is the MOST important part of a movie. You can have outstanding actors, acclaimed directors, unbelievable staging and effect, and an ungodly cool score - but if the story sucks, then you're going nowhere. (Ahem, The Interpreter, I believe we are looking in your general direction.)

Best Original Screenplay
Babel - 29%
Letters from Iwo Jima - 6%
Little Miss Sunshine - 53%
Pan's Labyrinth - 0%
The Queen - 12%

Who I Picked: Little Miss Sunshine
Who Should've Won: Any of them
Generally speaking, the Adapted category is traditionally the better of the two categories because those are movies based on the best of the best of the other literature mediums. Whether those scripts come from previously-awesome plays, novels, tv screenplays, or memoirs - they've already been proven to be great. Writing an original screenplay is much harder - you have no previous greatness on which to rely - and yet, all five of these scripts were truly great movies.

Best Cinematography
Black Dahlia - 6%
Children of Men - 35%
The Illusionist - 12%
Pan's Labyrinth - 35%
The Prestige - 12%

Who I Picked: Children of Men
Who Should've Won: Children of Men
Analysis: They showed a clip of C of M during the screenplay presentation, and I was riveted. I can't wait to see this movie, and the way it was shot is a big reason for this. I tried to get Katie to see it a few days before we had Clara, but she wasn't too keen on seeing a flick that involved a pregnant woman running for her life and dodging bullets. Go figure.

Best Original Score
Babel - 35%
The Good German - 6%
Notes on a Scandal - 6%
Pan's Labyrinth - 35%
The Queen - 18%

Who I Picked: Pan's Labyrinth
Who Should've Won: Babel
Analysis: Yeah, I got this one wrong. Big deal. But if I don't hear that Pirates of the Caribbean is not only nominated but victorious next year, I'm writing off this award for good. The themes from that trilogy are easily the most memorable Original Score since American Beauty. Savvy?

Best Film Editing
Babel - 35%
Blood Diamond - 6%
Children of Men - 18%
The Departed - 29%
United 93 - 12%

Who I Picked: The Departed
Who Should've Won: Blood Diamond
Analysis - So Marty Scorsese has a little Algerian woman do all his editing for him, huh? Looking at Thelma Schoonmaker's IMDB resume, every movie she's done was a Scorsese picture. Looks like she edits one film every 1.5-2 years. God, how can I get work schedule like that?

Best Animated Feature
Cars - 59%
Happy Feet - 29%
Monster House - 12%

Who I Picked: Cars
Who Should've Won: Cars
Analysis: Did the Academy turn off Happy Feet with 15 minutes to go? Had they not, they would have seen that all humans are evil, everything that they do is bad, and that UN resolutions are only drawn up expeditiously when a cute furry penguin demands it so. Cars isn't the best Pixar out there, but it's sure as hell the best in thie category.

Wow, that took a lot out of me. Part Two later on, with guest critic Stephen Colbert.

Less is More, Sayeth Al Gore

Let’s keep things rolling here on YAB’s Post-Partum Comeback Tour with the beginnings of our coverage of the 79th Annual Academy Awards, and more importantly, Oscar Party IV.

Waking up on the morning of an Oscar Sunday is indeed an exciting one. Sure, there’s plenty of work to do until the only real official party I throw all year commences, but you’ve got to enjoy the anticipation or you’ll never get anything done. On the West Coast, the very same thing is happening near the Kodak Theatre, as AMPAS rolls out the red carpet and makes sure their preparations are final. It’s pretty similar for me in Fairfax, except for one minor detail.

The snow.

I spent the drive to church surveying the damage that Mother Nature was concurrently wreaking on the DC Area, and it didn’t look good. My friends drive an Army of Civics – not exactly upstate NY road warrior vehicles. And with a guest list of near 30 folks, I was running the numbers through my head as to expected turnout. For the record, we had a strong 17. 17 people who favor Cinema over being stuck in their driveways. Bravo to those who made the trek. Now if it snows in downtown Hollywood on Oscar Sunday, event planners wouldn’t be doing these mental calculations or devising contingencies.

They’d be busy preparing for the Armageddon.

So what could our Snow Heroes expect upon making it to the Billiard Room of my esteemed apartment complex?

A chance to watch the Oscars in good company. Overall, it was a strong telecast. Ellen, while slightly flat in her monologue, was solid. She relied more on wit and candor than pre-produced comedic pieces, and it seemed to work in a room of the powerful. Her best joke of the night was the Oscar Baby Bjorn. Her worst? The vacuum gag in the ninth hour of the telecast.

Yes, it was a little long. Last year, the awards started at 8 and they ended right before 12. This year we pushed it back a half-hour, and it ended before 12:30. In essence, the telecasts were the same length – so why did this one drag? It’s all in the pacing. Too many of their strongest ideas – the Ferrell/Reilly/Black trio, the Scorsese and Eastwood gags, the interpretive dancers, the sound effects symphony – all came through in the first 90 minutes. It got the show off to a rousing start, but left little in the tank for the homestretch. The In Memoriam should be a high point – instead people were checking their watches (11:50) instead of honoring Altman, Boyle, and Knotts. I have no problem with two special awards (the humanitarian one was actually quite good), but to roll out Celine Dion to honor Morcone? Yipes. All in all, 10:00 to 11:30 had too few awards, too many montages, and no real surprises.

(If anyone ever decides the best way to honor me is to have Celine Dion sing to me, the words “marked man” come to mind.)

But I still enjoyed it, as did the attendees of Oscar Party IV.

In place of last year’s Sequeled Song Bee, Spud and I flipped to a script and held a Quote Bee instead. The twist? All quotes were read by the robotic timbre of my computer, Attica. There’s a cheap freeware program out there that will read anything you copy to the clipboard. And there’s nothing like a Stephen Hawking-esque voice reading delivering Bill Pullman’s speech from Independence Day to bring down the house. Congrats to Justin Miller, who took a Raising Arizona quote to the victory.

And with 17 horses coming out of the gate, it was a photo finish at the very end that crowned Oscar Party Co-Host Spud Mellor the Champion of OPIV. Had Babel taken Best Picture, Jasen Andersen would be our victor; instead, Yaz settles for his third Top 3 in three years.

Here are the final standings for another great year of Oscar Party. Hopefully next year, we’ll be able to expand it in a townhouse of our own.

Name // No. Correct // Total Points // OPIII Finish
1. SPUDler’s List // 14 // 45 // 6th
2. The Wizard of YAZ // 16 // 42 // 2nd
3. JONdhi // 13 // 41 // NA
4. French CONDONection // 13 // 40 // 3rd
5.ALLISON’s Quiet on the Western Front // 12 // 38 // NA
T-6. My Fair LIGGETT // 12 // 37 // 20th
T-6. NORD of the Rings // 11 // 37 // 11th
T-8. Forrest GRIMMp // 13 // 36 // 10th
T-8. JACQUESy // 12 // 36 // 9th
10. Million DARKER Baby // 10 // 34 // 14th
11. FERRIots of Fire // 10 // 32 // 1st
12. Greatest SHARPE on Earth // 9 // 29 // 14th
13. Driving Miss KATIE // 8 // 26 // 8th
14. Mrs. MiniVIEHWEG // 8 // 24 // 14th
15. aMATTIAS // 7 // 21 // 13th
16. SHAYespeare in Love // 6 // 17 // NA
17. Saving Private PRETZ // 2 // 9 // NA

Toughest. Mormon. Ever.

Rulon Gardner would like to challenge God to a duel.

This world does not have the firepower to derail Rulon Gardner. Jack Bauer, Vin Diesel, and Chuck Norris could attack him one-by-one (Foot Clan style), and they would have as much success as The Astronaut Farmer at the box office. Rulon Gardner can’t be dismissed by the other great warriors of our world. For Rulon Gardner, a man who commands so much respect a blogger cannot type his first name without immediately following with his last, has found a way to not only cheat death, but steal death’s wallet and run up a $250 tab at Denny’s.

Rulon Gardner is tired of fate.

Over the weekend, Rulon Gardner was flying on a plane over Good Hope Bay near the Utah-Arizona border. (More likely, the plane was flying on Rulon Gardner – he’s that beastly.) On the Not-to-So Scale of Airplace Velocity, his craft plummented from So-to-Not in matter of seconds. Before Rulon Gardner could even put on his super cape and utility belt, he was submerged in icy, 44-degree water. For an hour. Yes, it was a full hour before he and his two friends were rescued from the frigid submersion of their plane, but Rulon Gardner doesn’t care about elapsed time. He spent the hour doing laps for a cardio workout and killing innocent fish with his swiftly-kicking feet.

This wasn’t the first time Fate tried to kill Rulon Gardner.

In 2004, Rulon Gardner was riding a motorcycle when he was struck by a speeding vehicle. (This is the complete opposite of Ben Roethlisberger, who Rulon Gardner torments on a daily basis for wussing out and letting the car win. In fact, Rulon Gardner went to Big Ben’s house over the holidays, pulled his Christmas cards out of the mailbox, and ate them in front of Ben’s elderly mother for no reason whatsoever.) He flipped over his handlebars upon impact, and walked away with a few abrasions and a bruised heel. But Rulon Gardner doesn’t care about heels. Heels are for people who are afraid of the consequences. Rulon Gardner lives life on his toes.

This wasn’t the first time Fate tried to kill Rulon Gardner.

In 2002, Rulon Gardner was stranded in the wilderness of Wyoming when his snowmobile died and he ended up losing a toe due to frostbite. One would assume that since Rulon Gardner lives life on his toes, this would be a major problem. But he could care less. Who needs ten toes, anyway? Most of them are non-participatory freeloaders. Oh, and to make the country of Japan pay for his crappy Yamaha snowmobile, he picked this guy for revenge.

This wasn’t the first time Fate tried to kill Rulon Gardner.

In the 2000 Summer Olympics, Rulon Gardner fought Alexander Karelin for a gold medal. Karelin hadn’t lost a match in 13 years. Rulon Gardner decided that was ridiculous. Fate asked Karelin to destroy Rulon Gardner. Alexander Karelin now hangs his head in shame.

This wasn’t the first time Fate tried to kill Rulon Gardner.

In the third grade, he brought a bow and arrow in for Show and Tell. The kid who sits in front of him brought a bar of soap he whittled into, well, a smaller and more uneven bar of soap. Rulon Gardner found that it was so painful to listen to Soap Kid, he decided to distract himself from the agony by shooting himself in the abdomen with an arrow. Good God! Do you know what a compound bow can do to the mid-section of a nine year-old? It’s a good thing Rulon Gardner was no normal nine-year old.

Rumor has it that upon this flesh wound, Rulon Gardner looked to the sky and yelled, "Oh, Smite me, mighty Smiter!" (We're waiting on confirmation from Soap Kid, so that last part may be the only part of this post that's false. Unbelievable.)