Tip of the Hat, Wag of the Oscar, Part II

Good afternoon, Nation. I’m Stephen Colbert. Thanks for tuning into to You’re a Blog today for the second half recap of the 79th Annual Academy Awards. Now you may know I’m not a big fan of movies not starring me, as cinema is breaking down the moral fiber of American society. At least the ones that don’t end with the protagonists going to White Castle. Regardless, Editor Condon (what an American) has asked me to give my thoughts on who should have won and who did win. Since Grizzly Man wasn’t eligible (there’s nothing worse than seeing a man fraternize with Godless killing machines), I’m happy to do so, as long as he name something on the blog in my honor. That brings us to tonight’s word:

Oscar.

Best Foreign Language Film
After the Wedding – 0%
Days of Glory – 6%
The Lives of Others – 0%
Pan’s Labyrinth – 88%
Water - 6%

Who Condon picked: Pan’s Labyrinth
Who Stephen picked: Pan’s Labyrinth.
Analysis: Look, America. I’m cool with the fact that we are just a simple part of this big Earth, although by far the best part. I’m also cool with limiting the rest of the world to one award, while we distribute our little gold guys to our own (and Helen Mirren – rowrrr.) So the Germans won over the Spanish favorite, it appears, and I’m cool with that, too. But “Water?” From “Canada?” After my son, Stephen Colbeagle, fled to Canada – that is not a nomination I will choose to recognize.

Best Sound Editing
Apocalypto – 0%
Blood Diamond – 12%
Flags of our Fathers – 18%
Letters from Iwo Jima – 41%
Pirates of the Carribean: DMC – 29%

Who Condon picked: Pirates
Who Stephen picked: Flags of our Fathers
Analysis: Look, I know refer to you, my viewers, as the true Heroes, and this is not a term that I like to throw around likely. But Clint Eastwood? This man is a true Hero. Through film he has shown us the importance of the work our soldiers perform daily on our behalf, even if his Japanese movie was far better. So if you want to honor him as a Hero by throwing an accolade in the direction of his A/V Club lackeys, I’m all for it.

Best Sound Mixing
Apocolypto – 12%
Blood Diamond – 12%
Dreamgirls – 47%
Flags of our Fathers – 24%
Pirates of the Caribbean: DMC – 6%

Who Condon picked: Dreamgirls
Who Stephen picked: Ahem, Stephen?
Analysis (listening to headphones) “We're your dreamgirls, dreamgirls will never leave you” What? Oh, we’re back on? Sorry about that, Nation. Um, ok, let’s see, um I want Nancy Pelosi’s head on a stick? That sounds more Me than singing along to the wildly catchy Sound Mixing winner, right?

Best Visual Effects
Pirates of the Caribbean: DMC – 76%
Poseidon – 0%
Superman Returns – 24%

Who Condon picked: Pirates
Who Stephen picked: Superman Returns
Analysis: Damn right I picked Superman to win this trophy. Does he not stand for truthiness, justice, and the American way??? All Captain Jack Sparrow stands for is rum.

Best Animated Short
The Danish Poet - 0%
Lifted - 0%
The Little Matchgirl - 24%
Maestro - 35%
No Time For Nuts - 41%

Who Condon picked: Maestro
Who Stephen picked: Jon Stewart
Analysis: Heh, heh, hee-hee. Woooo! Get it? Jon Stewart? Animated Short? God, why do I even pay writers for my show, I could do it myself and kill. (God, I’m sorry for addressing you in that prior sentence directly without genuflecting and also insinuating that I would be capable of murder. Don’t smite me. And send my best to your Son.)

Best Short Film
Binta and the Great Idea - 12%
Eramos Pocos - 29%
Helmer and Son - 6%
The Saviour - 12%
West Bank Story - 41%

Who Condon picked: The Saviour
Who Stephen picked: The Saviour
Analysis: You see God? I totally didn’t mean to disrespect you in my analysis of Best Animated Short. I chose YOU to when Best Short Film – not Mel Gibson, not Al Gore - you specifically! Man, how sweet would that Oscar look as the new mantelpiece to the Gates of Heaven? Probably pretty damn nice next to the signed self‑portrait I sent you for your birthday in December. Oh, there are still readers here? Sorry, Nation.

Best Documentary Feature
Deliver Us From Evil - 6%
An Inconvenient Truth - 82%
Iraq in Fragments - 6%
Jesus Camp - 0%
My Country, My Country - 6%

Who Condon picked: An Inconvenient Truth
Who Stephen picked: My Country, My Country
Analysis: ‘Tis of thee! Sweet Land of Liberty! Of Thee I sing! Land where it’s great to sing, and Al Gore was boring. Iraq we are defending! Best Doc Award.

Best Documentary Short
Blood of Yingzhou District - 24%
Recycled Life - 35%
Rehearsing a Dream - 18%
Two Hands - 18%

Who Condon picked: Blood of Yingzhou District
Who Stephen picked: ZzZzZzZzZzzzz….
Analysis: Coming to theaters in June of 2007: the epic you’ve all been waiting for.
Alpha Squad 7: Lady Nocturne: A Tek Jansen Adventure

Best Costume
Curse of the Golden Flower - 12%
Devil Wears Prada - 24%
Dreamgirls - 29%
Marie Antoinette - 24%
The Queen - 12%

Who Condon picked: Dreamgirls
Who Stephen picked: The Queen
Analysis: General rule of thumb, America. If there’s a movie with East Asian setting, it will get a nomination for Best Costume. If there’s a movie about the fashion industry, it will get a nomination for Best Costume. If there’s a movie about Victorian England, it will get a nomination for Best Costume. Due to a stunning lack of sharp suits and power ties in any of these, I had to go with The Queen – it had kilts.

Best Makeup
Apocalypto - 41%
Click - 18%
Pan's Labyrinth - 41%

Who Condon picked: Pan’s Labyrinth
Who Stephen picked: Real men don’t wear makeup…Marie Antoinette.

Best Original Song
I Need To Wake Up - 6%
Listen - 35%
Love You I Do - 41%
Our Town - 6%
Patience - 12%

Who Condon picked: Listen
Who Stephen picked: I’m Proud to Be an American
Analysis: I mean really, more love for Al Gore? How did this man get so wildly popular? He’s a frickin’ ROBOT! I’ve even bought insurance to protect myself from Al Gore.

Best Art Direction
Dreamgirls - 18%
The Good Shepherd - 0%
Pan's Labyrinth - 59%
Pirates: Dead Man's Chest - 12%
The Prestige - 12%

Who Condon picked: Pan’s Labyrinth
Who Stephen picked: Taller Walls
Analysis: Yes, that’s right, America. We need to build taller walls around Hollywood. As Pan’s Labyrinth picked up its third award of he evening, it seems that we have an immigration epidemic on our hands. Between Guillermo del Toro, Alfonso Cuaron, and Alejandro Inarritu, it has become clear to me that the Mexicans are taking all the good American directing jobs. Did you see Stephen Spielberg? He looks hungry! And why does he look hungry? Because he’s not making any money! Somebody build me a taller wall and grab Stephen Spielberg a Danish if you could.