Letters from Iwo Virginia

Ron Burgundy: Boy, that escalated quickly... I mean, that really got out of hand fast.
Champ Kind: It jumped up a notch.
Ron Burgundy: It did, didn't it?

Much like the Anchorman sayeth, my predictions this morning for the 79th Annual Academy Awards didn’t exactly follow my recent rise to near-perfection. Since our annual tabulator Mike Nordberg hasn’t checked into the office yet today, our summations are reporting accurate predictions in only 31 of 40 slots, five off last year’s pace, and the worst we’ve done since, well, ever. (That’s only four years, let’s not make it out to more than it is.) And while we can’t be pleased with such an effort – after all, we have seen 16 of the 36 flicks with a nomination – we’re happy to see certain movies get their due despite our best efforts.

Rather than reading boring re-caps on CNN or E! or some other website with unnecessary punctuation, here’s what you need to take out of this morning’s announcements.

Dreamgirls got smoked.

This is what happens when we have an over-saturated media. I remember reading reports prior to LAST year’s Oscars that Dreamgirls was the runaway favorite. I remember it being praised this past fall even before anyone had seen the final cut. And here we are on el Dia de Los Nominaciones, and they’re on the outside looking in. No Picture. No Director. No Screenplay. One thing is clear. Hollywood is no place for Condons.

(Just kidding – my Uncle Bill won a screenplay Oscar for Gods and Monsters. And he makes some wicked good pancakes.)

Here’s how it happened. Dreamgirls is a good movie, and many people liked it. But it’s not a great movie, and we nominate great movies for Best Picture. The way the noms work is that voters rank their five favorite movies in a category. The Academy then looks at first-place votes, and if any movie had enough of ‘em, they’re in. Then they look at second-place votes, and if they have enough, they’re in, too. This will normally get you 5 nominees. Confusing? Let’s say you’re getting married, and for some reason (maybe you’re insane, I don’t know), you’ve decided to let everyone in the bridal party help choose the menu for the rehearsal dinner. You ask everyone to look at the list of possible entrees (you’re rockin’ the family-style), and the Top 5 choices will make the menu. Now everyone has a different favorite (even Nordberg, who insists on lobster tail – dude we’re at an Italian joint), and those votes are made. But for everyone’s fifth choice, it’s Chicken Parm across the board. Everyone likes Chicken Parm, but nobody loves it. Therefore, you’re stuck eating Lobster, Steak, Shrimp Scampi, Chicken Marsala, and some veggie pasta crap dish (I’d blame a bridesmaid), but no one gets Chicken Parm.

So that’s 3 of my 9 errors right there. I believed too much in Chicken Parm.

Also, there’s the screenplays. Screenplays are written by writers. And writers were probably English majors. And English majors don’t get me. They look at me weird when I walk by Tucker Hall, and say things like, “Stranger than Fiction was a clever, tight, entertaining script ABOUT writing a book – how the hell don’t you guys think that’s awesome?” And Volver wasn’t apparently the script that La Catrina, my Spanish 3 learning videos were. Oh, and English majors don’t like Chicken Parm, either. Also, I put Borat in the wrong place. His mind should be honored for what he writes, not how he acts. My bad. High five?

All in all, it was a good day for Oscar. Hooray for Letters from Iwo Jima, for Mark Wahlberg and Djimon Hounsou, for sparing us from a Prince performance, and for finally giving us some material for another Oscar video.

What? Who said that?